Tournament: 💎 DIAMOND HIT 💎 - Page 172

Temporal

Batch Three Reviews

Quote:

1. Ceremonials - No Sun on the Horizon

Right off the bat, the repetition of “I’ve…” to begin every line got pretty redundant. If this was an Intro or Interlude it might’ve made more sense, but for a full song it was somewhat exhausting. Anyways you had nice lines here, and your biggest issues were missing some opportunities to make a really punchy line, or used some lines that just fell flat, and the fact that this felt more like pretty language as opposed to a piece with real meaning.

- “I've foreseen a life with no sun on the horizon” I wish this one was rewritten. “I’ve foreseen” just doesn’t feel right. Maybe “I’ve seen a life with no sun ALONG the horizon” (to make up for the lost “for” syllable) or “I can see” etc. I love the first stanza besides that though.
- “I've turned to the darkness since the stars went away” could’ve used another word instead of “went” since this is a very imagery based song, like “burnt” or “faded”.
- The couplet you chose to repeat was one of the weaker ones.
- “I've imagined no light at the end of the tunnel” “Imagined” was a weird choice.
- “I've been to the planet where the sun doesn't shine” non mi piace “THE planet”

This was good, one of your better songs IMO, but I would like it more with more revisions.

—

2. Jaxswim - Hit Me Up

The judge who became the judged becomes the judge once more! Your biggest issue were the rhymes, you really bent over backwards to have perfect rhymes and it showed. I really think this would’ve been a good song if you would’ve loosened your restraints a bit. For example “The world all around / Seems so suddenly profound” like it’s kinda pretty, but one can’t ignore how forced the rhyme is.

- The pre-chorus rhymes were all really (sorry) bad. Near rhymes are your friend!
- “poison’s in my veins” a pretty mundane line.

I feel like you’re close to a breakout moment, but this wasn’t it.

—

3. Legacy - Tommy

This was a… lopsided entry? The pacing in the beginning was WAY too quick, the first two lines were cute, and then BAM suicide

It was a bit too much. Then you started hopping around temporally (

) which was quite confusing. Some of the lyrics were way too literal or unnuanced, like “I'm drowning in alcohol” and “Now the pain is gone”.

- “Tommy, I Miss your destructive love” don’t just cram in an adjective for the sake of using one, it needs to not be awkward.
- “And we are both dead and in love” too direct, this felt like a narration more than a lyric I suppose.
- The chorus/repeated part was pretty weak and cliché.

I can tell you’re trying, but you need more nuance and *pizazz*

—

4. 8thPrince - Fifty-One

I’m kinda surprised at how flat this fell for me. A number of the rhymes felt really corny (“alone/barcodes” being the biggest example), and the couplets themselves felt really uneven. The images kept shifting too much for the piece to feel stable - planes, black holes, records, fields and crops and storms - and I think a plot line would really medicate that.

- “Know where I go, so do bad omens” the last clause was… awkward? Idk it feels forced into that line.
- “Stay clear of me, because I’ve got an evil eye” too wordy and clumsy
- “Flocks of crows perch on the rooves of homes I pass” again, too wordy (might consider deleting “perch”)

I like the concept and structuring, but the execution went a bit awry in too many places.

—

5. Achilles. - Dead in the Eyes

I quite liked this, really simple imagery and it paid off. My biggest overall critique is that the background lines were really awkward and broke the feel of the piece, you could’ve done without them.

- The first 4 lines were a biT dramatic for an opening portion
- “My hopes and dreams and wishes” really verbose for an otherwise succinct song. The bridge as a whole was pretty weak.
- “I'll keep walking this earth / For years on end / But the light in my eyes / Won't shine again” murder me daddy
- For your explanation, I’m still not quite grasping the conflict between the adult you and the child you and how that ties into the election.

Nice job, now for one damn season don’t start declining week after week from here on out.

—

6. Borderline - Passing Notes

The lyrics here really weren’t bad - especially for a song about passing notes - but it was very repetitive. It was all “wow we’re passing notes, so #rebellious” and “wow, #nostalgia” throughout.

- “Maxing out the lives we lived” can’t really put my finger on it, but this line didn’t work.
- “Our youth's song” p sure this was used just to fill the rhyme
- “Passing notes till we grow old” grew*

Cute, I look forward to what you have to offer in the future!

—

7. DripDrip

Wow @ this being the second use of “psychotic/neurotic” this round. I wasn’t expecting this to be the overarching issue of the round, but vocal, vocal, vocal. Big words can elevate the level of your piece, but not when they’re shoehorned in at every corner.

- “I'm taking all my confidence back that left the water get full” what?
- “Because I'm human too no matter the gender identification” clunkyyy
- “We all die from breathing the same air no matter the nation” not quite?
- “I may be a bit lost a bit broken” commas are essential!

Waiting for your "Eggs" moment tbh!

—

8. Minho - Prism

This was good, but like Vulnicura pointed out, it was kinda rape-y? Like, if I hadn’t seen that discourse in the thread, I would have totally assumed this was about a rape, and I’m kinda surprised that you didn’t pick that up from what you wrote in the chorus

ANYWAYS, this was pretty good, as expected; I liked the use of “prism” tbh, it didn’t feel try hard (@Titty)

- “Slipping through my fingers like water / Breaking apart into dazzling colours” slay
- Chorus is so rape-y, which makes the whole song feel rape-y
- “Nothing prepared me for your beam of light” blarg at another “night/light” rhyme

This was cute, not mind blowing or anything, but cute.

—

9. TheCheetahWings - Saving Grace

You and your structure

The other FLOPS should take notes. This song was alright, there wasn’t anything here that was brilliant, but for the first round, it does what it needs to.

- Rhyming in the chorus was v simple
- The bridge was kinda choppy, mainly the last three lines
- “We hid within the shadows far from sight” this line was quite forced

Overall this was kind of a throwaway song, but again, it did what it needed to.

—

10. OreGuy - Still Love

This song was cute conceptually, but the execution was lacking. I think you’ve improved from what we last saw, but the language barrier is still kinda there.

- “The clouds are heavy / Their sounds are scary” this rhyme was pretty elementary
- “I should've confess” should be “confessed” (you’re talking about an action you wished you would’ve completed in the past)
- “I've been away for later” this isn’t how you use “later”, you could say “a while” or “long time” but not really “later”
- “And still standing still” slay the alliteration (and tongue twister)
- The bridge didn’t really make sense, you’ll show someone how you’re both suffering and that’s going to make them want to stay?

For next week, make sure you have a mentor read your song.

—

11. Dylobs - the Ambitious Rose Petal

LAMBS, stop TRYING to serve MARIAH with your VOCAB

Again, this has been the overarching issue of the round, so to have this committed by someone I’ve harassed about this before is disappointing. Anyways, the entire narration kinda felt like a children’s book? I’m not sure how to describe it, but that was just a bit… weird. I couldn’t read it as a song at all, I had to read it in this baby voice. I could point out specific lines and their issues, but everything really comes back to that narration problem.

- “Caressing the sky and flying to the sun” this was a good line tho

I know I lashedT you a bit, but this wasn’t bad, let’s just try for something different next week.

—

12. Gladion - Untitled

I like the concept here tbh. Some of the lyrics here didn’t make sense, and there were definitely struggles with rhyming. You’re still struggling to write around a rhyme and not necessarily within one, if that makes sense.

- “Fable/Available” served “sorry/ferrari” fix it, Jesus
- “Hoping i’ll achieve my fixation “ I know what you meant, but you don’t really “achieve” a “fixation” (that couplets repetition as also unnecessary IMO)
- “In my dreams you still have the same eyes “ adjegsj what else would they be?

- “Only in my sleep, is when I can have you / Only in my dreams, is when you’re mine” kinda felt redundant with the preceding lines
- “Your illusion is the best disguise” also redundant

An alright piece, but a good starting place for the season!

—

13. OnikaSlays - False Awakening

Like a lot of others, this was cute in terms of emotion, but the delivery was expected and somewhat bland.

- “Breathing in and out, just to find remnants of your skin” this just made me think of you inhaling dust, which is mostly dead skin

- The rhyming in the chorus was way too easy and simple (true for the first verse as well)
- “Desire burning like a wildfire / Intoxicated by your touch” this was p nice

Not a bad song tbh.

—

14. UFO - Swimming Backwards

Hm. This song had good moments and bad moments and not a lot in between. I thought the use of imagery in each line itself was on point, but the flow of the piece was hella awkward.

- “They filled the skyline with a dense weight” “dense weight” doesn’t really make sense tbh
- The subject change from clouds to all of sudden being drenched in waterfalls and “diving” was really jarring
- “The earth is spinning / I’m hard of hearing / I’m holding on to gravity / I’m always standing” the second line was almost comedically random; it doesn’t fit in at all with the lines around it.

This was okay but I would’ve liked a full song fleshed out instead of just a verse, pre chorus and chorus.

—

15. Auburn - Feel (Interlude)

You can write a full song with 140 words! I promise! This was actually a really good interlude though, I quite enjoyed this! Your style felt soft and delicate which played into the emotion nicely. Very simple, but very nicely done.

- “a sea of grey from a sea of green” not sure what this was referring to.
- “together we'll soon be” inverted sentences are sometimes okay, but this is an instance where it wasn’t

I look forward to a full entry by you!

—

16. XL - Raging Fire

This was an interesting entry, I’m not sure what I expecting from you, but it wasn’t this. I want to say this is your best song? There were solid lyrics here, but the concept was really muddy and there were a number of forced rhymes.

- “mire/fire” was sooo forced
- The entire 2nd verse was forced rhymes
- Not sure what the 1st verse was describing

I’m interested to see what you’ll do if you keep this up.

—

17. mxtthewdelrey - One Thud/Towel Rack

Kelly Clarkson often gets asked about how Simon Cowell treated her on American Idol, like “was he tough on you? Did he scare you?” Kelly always answers that there was one instance where Kelly confronted him and asked why he wasn’t never particularly hard on her, and he responded that “even I were to be mean to you, I know it wouldn’t faze you because you don’t care.” That’s kind of how I feel right now. I’m sure you knew how I’d feel about this, but didn’t expect that to change. I thought this was messy, but as long as you’re happy with what you’re doing I suppose, then go for it.

—

18. MattyTacos - Storm Warning

Daddy Hunter Hayes should sue u tbh. This felt like a demo tbh. You had plenty of words left to throw in a bridge or add on to the verses to make this feel more complete.

- The chorus was pretty weak, saying “I wish I could be the rain / Or an oncoming hurricane” and then jumping to “I’m your storm warning” was…off.
- “You said beauty is deceived under lights” poor use of “deceived”
- “So yours was the brightest to watchful eyes” non mi piace the use of “watchful”

I mean this wasn’t as awful as I would’ve expected (

), but this entry was kinda meddling. Put more effort into it, fat.

—

19. CountryBritney - Sssh

The queen returns! We’ll I definitely think you’re not debuting outside the Top 30 this season

I’ll make this brief since you didn’t get to put a lot into this:

- “try as you might” wasn’t needed metrically
- “liquor/her” was forced (you could’ve more creative with your rhymes overall)
- This definitely felt undeveloped overall

This was your buzz single, looking forward to your debut!

—

20. Citrus - Shoebox

Welcome back, King! This served To/Chocolate Pecans in that it was very simple and emotional, which seems to be your new staple. It wasn’t as good as those two songs obviously, but it was still pretty strong.

- “Photographs of you and me / That will never be again” this was kinda cliché. This was probably your main issue for this piece, which I haven’t seen a lot of in your past writing iirc.
- “When every kiss felt like a risk / And feeling you was feeling right” same deal^
- “And love could conquer shame” this was corny, which was exacerbated by the rhyme with “game”

Like a lot of other people, I would’ve liked a full song instead of just shutting down at the word count and assuming you couldn’t write one, but otherwise this was pretty good.

—

21. Vulnicura - Chrysalis

This was cute I suppose. Some nice lyrics but one can tell that this was rushed.

- “Under the light of summer evergreen” I don’t know what this was supposed to be. Under the light of a plant? This makes it sound like the plant itself is providing the light.
- “Silence broken by river’s breeze “ you could’ve had “a river’s breeze” which would’ve been nicer
- “dusk fills the rotting floor of the canopy” that last word was clunky af. Really the entire second verse was choppy with the disorganized imagery.
- The third stanza was cute, minus the “azure blue” which felt trite

RE: Citrus’s last line

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22. jpow - Heal Myself

My biggest issue is that this song lacked direction. Reduced down, this was a four part song where each successive stanza remained stagnant from the previous. The meter was tight here, but no lines punched at all; I think including a little more imagery would remedy that. For reference, the bridge was the best part.

- “Barely survive the day / and getting engulfed” this was weird tense wise
- “Neither here or there” super nitpick, it should be “nor”. This line was a throwaway anyways though.
- The chorus switch felt artificial.

Not a bad start to the season; looking forward to what we get from you next.

—

23. Speezy - Drained by a Rose

I’m not sure if I can pin down one main issue that you had, it seemed to come down to word choice, and keeping the piece consistent with imagery so that it didn’t come banal or oversaturated.

- “You are vines tangled around my body holding me up” way too verbose. Pretty image, but this needs to be watered down.
- “You seemed alluring while I was pruining away” “pruning” was a really bad verb choice, all I could think about was prunes jswejg

- “Wish I became untangled” okay, you mentioned being “tangled” as a present action, and now you’re talking about it like it’s a past one. Changing “became” to “was” would fix this. Choose a tense and stick to it!
- “Like plants withering away by the frigid air / Your words were cold enough to make me stay” this was contradictory
- “Wasting my time each lie you say” needs a preposition between “time” and “each”
- “I was something much better” p banal

I think this was one of your better songs, but you’re going to have to kick it up a notch if you want to stick around!

—

24. Abyssy - Angel/Demon

This was pretty solid! The flow was quite good, really all of the basics were here, which is awesome for a beginner in Round 1. I do have a few comments, of course:

- There were a few cliché choices, like “Angel/Demon”, which is a pretty overused contrast and shouldn’t have been the central image, the opening “heart beat” line, and the Beauty Behind the Madness rewrite in the 2nd verse
- “Most/Ghost” was super forced (don’t write your lyrics entirely around a rhyme), “Demon/Believe In” was forced to a lessor extent (but was a clever play)
- I liked your style/tone throughout
- Try to tell more of a story or plot next time

I’ll be watching you ��

—

25. Blue. - Untitled

My biggest issue was that this was somewhat hard to understand because your style was really awkward and there were a number of weird lyrical choices or sentence structures. There were also some typos as well.

- “It could be the place you been searching for longingly” sooo verbose
- “At least you don't know when the sun lost its wormth” this line didn’t make sense
- “wormth” um
- “Your breath shapes in clouds, the vanish in air” They?
- “Stakes, what are you counting on?” the first word was unnecessary and made this line much more awkward than it needed to be

Your vocabulary was good and your concept was cute, but you need to be more careful. Take more time and send your entry to a mentor next week.

jpow

okay so its not awful I'll take it

Jackson

Quote:

Originally posted by Aurora

Just from this excerpt, because I definitely haven't seen Jackson's song, I can tell that I would have done the same thing.

I always misread though as through and vice versa.

That line actually did start with "through" originally, but after I rewrite that verse it didn't make sense so I changed it to "through". I see now I could've just deleted the word.

Thanks for the review Cupid!

Vulnicura

King was so gentle in his critiques, thank you

Jackson

Do we know who the 9 is? Achilles?

Gladion

Quote:

Originally posted by Temporal

Temporal's Score Tea
Average: 5.865 (my lowest average for a round ever)
Range: 1.5 - 9
Median: 6

Overall Distributions
10 - 0
9 - 1
8 - 3
7 - 9
6 - 12
5 - 7
4 - 5
3 - 3
2 - 2
1 - 1

Batch Three Distributions
10 - 0
9 - 1
8 - 0
7 - 4
6 - 9
5 - 5
4 - 1
3 - 1
2 - 1
1 - 0

Betting I'm one of the 6's, but based off reviews I'm hoping a 7

keshaspearsxo

Quote:

Originally posted by Abyssy

HELP! POP EMERGENCY!

My laptop broke yesterday and I've now just finished my song. Pears my good friend, sis, bro, lover, icon, king of songwriting. Please accept my late entry.

You too @Temporal my fell Shawn stan, daddy

.

xox

Nobody has finished judging yet anyway so one more won't hurt

Blue. may also be submitting

Tylerbv

Just read like 60 pages of this thread

My reviews were pretty nice

@ everyone who posted their song, talent won!

I'll post my song since I never have before. Definitely better than The Door (Intro) from last season

k

Also I think I'm one of TempOral's 6s probs. Maybe a 5.

Abyssy

Quote:

Originally posted by keshaspearsxo

Nobody has finished judging yet anyway so one more won't hurt

Blue. may also be submitting

Ty

.

xox

PhreshDiamond

Quote:

Originally posted by keshaspearsxo

Nobody has finished judging yet anyway so one more won't hurt

Blue. may also be submitting

blue as in !blue!? please lord

this pokemonster take over

OnikaSlays

Omg I actually had a False Awakening dream last night

I spent the night at my friends and I had a dream I woke up and everyone was going through my phone and looking at my nudes

Citrus

nsfks this song was trash but I thought "when every kiss felt like a risk" was a great way to describe your first relationship as a gay person

Just enjoy this short one, next round I'll be back to my 35 syllable lines.

Temporal

Quote:

Originally posted by Vulnicura

King was so gentle in his critiques, thank you

Quote:

Originally posted by Jackson

Do we know who the 9 is? Achilles?

Legacy

When is the next round?

Jackson

Quote:

Originally posted by Legacy

When is the next round?

after this one finishes

Jackson

Stupid should post score distributions or hints

Glassmouth

thanks to Cupid for not destroying me with his review <3 and yeah I will send my song to even more people to help me with the wording since I had some issues with it lmao

<3 :clefairy <3

Legacy

Quote:

Originally posted by Jackson

after this one finishes

hm ok

PhreshDiamond

Quote:

Originally posted by Jackson

after this one finishes

lkjhgfd

Uneek

I'm confused by this its very unorganised