If it makes you happy, I'd glady jump back on the Austin Mahone bandwagon if he would stop being a dumb ass.
Um if you stan Daddy Mahone then you can take as long as you like with the reviews.
You have my permission.
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What about love?
What about our promises?
What about love?
You take it all and leave me nothing
What about love?
What about us to the end?
What about love?
You cut my wings, now I am falling
What about love?
swiftie13 - Firstly, I really like this opening line. Personally I wouldn't use "her feet have burns" I'd use "her feet are burnt". There's also something about "Upon" at the start of line 2 which disrupts the flow slightly. The second verse is beautiful, I love the play on the word shelter and how it sets up the rest of the song as a nod to flowers, sheltering those below from the weather. The 3rd verse, could you maybe have switched the scarred part with the cultivated part? The first line seems a little long, also the 4th line was kind of a let down after the first 3, it needed more punch. The 4th verse hit me, change "easy" to "easily" and that's a smack in the heart right there. "Her tired eyes poured out rain, Nurturing the garden" I love this, maybe my favourite couplet of the whole thing. The rest reads beautifully, I think you did a great job at using a metaphor that you wouldn't immediately associate with the theme of the song. A very poignant start to Diamond Hit.
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SaintWest - "Pull my sleeves down" - Something about this opening line was a bit of a let down to me. An opening line should intrigue the listener/reader, you want to try and get people interested from the very first thing you say. It sort of felt like I was reading half way into the song rather than the beginning. The second line, was really good, i'd probably remove the word "all" since it clutters up the line a little but that should have been your opening line tbh! "pain is never broken" I don't really understand what you were going for with this part, I've never really heard anyone say pain is broken? The pre-chorus was great and the beginning of the chorus was good too, I could definitely see one of the self empowerment popqueens singing this. "Don't take advantage of my vulnerable veins" I feel like vulnerable sticks out here in the chorus, it flows better without that word in. Verse 2 I love the Katy reference ha! Overall this was a rather simple entry to the game, if I were to give you some feedback it would be to try and make your lines connect to each other more, it would be nice to know more about the story behind the pain, and try to avoid a lot of the cliches that fall into the empowerment genre.
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Jackson - You obviously don't need any critiques about flow because this reads perfectly. "Though veils of snow pervade the night" You didn't need to put "though" it kinda threw me because I was expecting "through" and was wondering if you made a typo for like 5 minutes. Also, pervade? I'm all for throwing out some posh words but this one i'm unsure about. I feel like a different word would have sufficed and also "pierce" in the next line would punch a lot harder if there wasn't "pervade" in the previous. "Experiments we locked away, A pill could kiss the pain away" easily my favourite couplet from this! That verse is easily 10/10 tbh. "photophobic" has to go, period. "Fell flat under my wicked dreams, But in that darkness battles ceased" I'd kinda like "Fell flat beneath my wicked dreams and in that darkness battles ceased" better but maybe that's personal preference. Overall this is a strong start to the game, you're experience really shines through with the flow/meter and the imagery you create is extremely vivid, my critique here would be to watch the fancy words you throw in, try not to get too over the top.
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Tylerbv - I like that opening line, but you ended on "head" and opened the next line with "led" and then ended the 3rd line with "dead" - this was a big flaw and throws off the rhyme/flow. "Empty heart, dizzy head, Floating in the ocean, Not alone, seaside friends, Drowning, bright and hoping" This verse had so much potential, if you just remove "seaside friends" because it makes it really cheesy. But the other 3 lines are easily my favourite part of this. I don't really get the message behind this song though, someone feels sad so they go underwater and make friends with mermaids? I'm not sure, the song itself is rather sad but the story is just throwing out little mermaid imagery. I think you have some good ideas, but you need to work on setting up a story better. Maybe the restrictions of this challenge hindered your storytelling a little, i'm not sure really.
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Kunst - "we were putting pills in our tongues" now sis. We can't physically put something in our tongue. If you had said on, we would have had a very intriguing opening line here. I found the pre-chorus very cheesy/basic if i'm honest, it sorta feels like there was no effort in that at all. The first 4 lines of the chorus picks up the song, "chasing better tomorrows" is my favourite line from this. The last line of the chorus kills it though, it's very clumsy. "every drunk kiss was such a miss" now this part, you shouldn't have kiss and miss on the same line, having that rhyme throws off the flow for the rest of the verse. "dancing and becoming songs" i'm confused, becoming songs? Overall i'm kinda torn on this entry, I see a LOT of potential, you evoked a lot of emotion with some parts, but then there were sloppy mistakes/basic parts in others. My advice here would be to not go with the obvious rhyme, keep the emotion, but improve on the delivery with your vocabulary.
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Moonchild - "My Tootsie Roll's looking" ugh, I wish you had put "craving" what a missed opportunity! "I'm in between them legs, Like the 3 Musketeers" wait what? Is the chocolate famous for being inbetween legs? Because the 3 Musketeers TV/film doesn't reference that? I don't get the joke? I don't have much to say other than it was pretty funny, it all flowed well and rhymed nicely. If I had to give you some advice it'd be to be more adventurous with your rhymes, when you're doing a humorous song like this, you can afford to be a bit more crazy/experimental with your style - "honey, money" seems a little basic etc.
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Glassmouth - A nice opening verse, it definitely captured my interest. "nothing can hurt as loss, you spit on cruel men" This part is very jarring in the pre-chorus. The first part doesn't really make sense, "nothing can hurt like loss, nothing can hurt as much as loss" - one of those would work? And then the sharp jolt to "you spit on cruel men" doesn't flow very well. Similarly this part "I didn't put all that I could give, you gave the one left" put is out of place, and the second part I don't understand. I think you have the basic ideas and principles in place, but there are a few English issues here. I see potential here, my suggestion would be to send your song to one of the mentors or other participants and they can help you with some of the wording.
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Uneek - "I see you fly, but you can't even reach me" this opening line is a little cluttered, remove the "even" and it flows much better. The rest of it reads okay, but it's a little basic. The theme is nothing new and the language and delivery is pretty standard. I feel like you're holding back.
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musicislife11 - I'm actually really enjoying your opening verse! Some parts were a little basic, but I see potential there. Don't be afraid to go deeper and tell more of a story, rather than just describe emotions. "We can stand ten feet tall, We can get through it all" This part is really cheesy, try to avoid these cliches. "To release and let grow" this part confuses me, let grow doesn't really make sense. Overall I think it was a pretty basic introduction to your songwriting, my advice would be to ditch the cliches and write from the heart, tell us a story, let us into your world.
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PhreshDiamond - What's the significance of a red wig? I don't get it? "Hetero heels clack on the pavement, I’m Diamond certification. " okay that made me cackle good job. The rest of the verse is very basic. The chorus is okay, the some-what rhymes kind of work in this genre. "what’s your name isn’t Pauline?" this part doesn't make sense. Funnily enough, I don't hate this, but it does feel very rushed. I think if you're going to do this style of song, you can afford to be a little crazier, make it personal, bring in a few names and disses. Try and fit the rhymes together, so they connect and aren't so random.
Nnnnnnn
I will defend this metaphor until I die tbh. Okay so basically the relationship used to be represented by a tree. In other words, a living organism that still experienced growth which is very much like a relationship. But when you cut down the tree branches they instantly stop growing, they become wooden - like a relationship that goes nowhere. But whatever I'm over it now *hides from feelslikeadream"
Like you wouldn't call a tree wooden, right? It only becomes wood after it's chopped down. Just like how pollen isn't honey until it's fertilised by bees. Same difference. Anyway what I'm saying is there's a difference in growth and it was supposed to symbolise a stagnant relationship. But whatever lol at least I got an iconic line out of it
Like obviously wood=branches because they're the same thing, but different MANIFESTATIONS of the same thing. Anyways lol
I can't believe I wrote a novella about one song omg Wooden Branches (Where We Begin) is iconic but definitely not one of my best.
We are both just wooden branches
Stumped, with nowhere else to grow
Creating our own shadows
so tragic. Tbh a lot of my songs are tragic, some more than others.
I actually love how I used to take so many risks when I first competed in Platinum Hit. Like now I would never write a coming-of-age song about a girl who smokes weed with her friends in a parking lot but one day she gets run over and they leave her to haunt the parking lot forever (Chillin' In The Parking Lot) but lol maybe I'll take more risks this season, we'll see!
Afghan Crucifix is another example of how edgy my songwriting used to be, whew! That song title alone gives me blacklisted on radio teas.
I wear my crown of thorns
But they’re smothered by a field of roses
^ (!!! whew this line slayed me when I first wrote it tbh!! )
Stayed here from dusk ‘til dawn
Kept watch, I’m a scarecrow to many
I don’t deserve to play you like you played me
You told me I was family, but I guess daddy didn’t love me
And I guess it’s too late to run away without being burned at the stake
yas bitch! serving you original sacrilegious anthem before conatus' baroque pop usurpation anthem before conatus' baroque pop usurpation
"Though veils of snow pervade the night" You didn't need to put "though" it kinda threw me because I was expecting "through" and was wondering if you made a typo for like 5 minutes.
Just from this excerpt, because I definitely haven't seen Jackson's song, I can tell that I would have done the same thing. I always misread though as through and vice versa.
1. 1989 and EMOTIONS are updated versions of TD.
2. Style and Run Away With Me meant to be TD of albums but they flopped.
3. EMOTIONS are overrated.
4. 1989 is a decent pop album. But Kendrick's record was so much better.
The best tracks are obviously I Know Places, Out Of The Woods and All You Had To Do Was Stay.
5. Since U've Been God , God by God and My God Would Suck Without God are highlights of her career.
God's gospel
"My Tootsie Roll's looking" ugh, I wish you had put "craving" what a missed opportunity! "I'm in between them legs, Like the 3 Musketeers" wait what? Is the chocolate famous for being inbetween legs? Because the 3 Musketeers TV/film doesn't reference that? I don't get the joke? I don't have much to say other than it was pretty funny, it all flowed well and rhymed nicely. If I had to give you some advice it'd be to be more adventurous with your rhymes, when you're doing a humorous song like this, you can afford to be a bit more crazy/experimental with your style - "honey, money" seems a little basic etc.
*hides from feelslikeadream"
so tragic. Tbh a lot of my songs are tragic, some more than others.
)
