Hugamari's Comments
Batch 3, Part 1
(surprise, bitch)
Ceremonials – No Sun on the Horizon
[DISCLAIMER: You are free to take what you want from this/completely ignore whatever I say] You know, as much as people rode you for starting every line with “I’ve”, I liked it. Given, I could see their point, and I wouldn’t want to see you make a habit out of it, but to me, it worked. The thing for me, though, is that you have these impressive-sounding lines that’d make great one-liners, but just that. They feel like they’re all stronger pieces of a weaker whole. The best thing I can liken it to, imo, is Destiny’s Child. They’re fine by themselves, but I’m sure anyone would agree they’re doing better on their own. (Or at least one of them is.) I tend to like to tell people what lines I thought were stand-outs and why, but I’m just going to say none of them are standouts because they all are, if that makes sense to you. I guess what I’m trying to say here is…I don’t think this worked much like a song than a collection of lines, albeit cool-sounding ones. (I’ve only been able to make sense of it by imagining you wrote it from the perspective of a literal god.)
Jaxswim – Hit Me Up
[DISCLAIMER: You are free to take what you want from this/completely ignore whatever I say] The point of the Twitter challenge wasn’t to hinder you, and to me, you didn’t see it that way. For instance, you repeated “you” a few times in a row. I could see why you might do “It’s only you, it’s only you”, the repetition drives that point hone, and I suppose that’s what you were going for here, but to me it just felt like you wanted adlibs. That, or you wanted to fill your meter. Besides that, you had some lines that were a bit confusing. “Raining tears and racing” was really confusing to me particularly because I originally thought that the rain symbolized tears and those tears were racing, but it’s literally raining, you’re crying, and probably driving past the speed limit based on your earlier line “Driving, aching, craving”. It was a weird line no matter how I interpreted it, though. I could also touch on the poison line, but others have already. Basically, I got the impression that you wrote around the challenge instead of for it, and I hope it becomes more clear later on that you’re working with the challenge instead of against it.
Legacy – Tommy
[DISCLAIMER: You are free to take what you want from this/completely ignore whatever I say] Let’s just start with that rhyme scheme you used. “fine/line/times” ouch. What I find peculiar about this piece is that it looks as if you wanted to be metaphorical but everything came out literal. The line about drowning in alcohol, for instance. Usually, I could get that it means you’re drunk/have been drinking, but it literally feels like you’re in a room filled with alcohol and you’re about to drown in it. The reason for this, I think, is because you mixed it with very specific details. Time spans, names, etc. It seemed like you were telling a story, and the metaphors weren’t a seamless transition. You do seem to be drawn more towards story-telling, though, so I would focus on that! We don’t get many story-tellers here, and they tend to do well.
8thPrince – Fifty-One
[DISCLAIMER: You are free to take what you want from this/completely ignore whatever I say] I think this song is a lot better when you imagine that this is from the perspective of a vindictive ghost or something. It’s the impression I got anyway, and I’m only left to make my own guesses because there’s no obvious answer here. I don’t know if that was by design, but if it was, slay I guess. I guess the best thing I can say about this is the dark, foreboding, uncertain feel I get from it. You don’t have a problem with the basics, I’m sure you know that, so I guess I was just waiting for that one part to hit me, and it never did.
Achilles. – Dead In The Eyes
[DISCLAIMER: You are free to take what you want from this/completely ignore whatever I say] (Possibly suicide) is funnier than all the comedy entries we got and you didn’t even want to be funny. I don’t know why I find that funny. One thing I want to compliment you on, though: Your chorus genuinely felt like it could be in a song. It was the first time this season I could genuinely hear it. I think that says a lot about the type of writer you are. Overall, I was really impressed by how much it felt like an actual song and not just a really good poem, but if I were to pick something apart, it would be the bridge, if only because I immediately thought of a way to lower the word count. “My youth, my innocence / My hopes, dreams, and wishes / All sentenced to death / Shattered and extinguished” lowers it by 3 words and is just as effective. Personally, I also think it flows better, based on how I picture it in my head, but it’s fine regardless because as I said, it’s only if I had to pick something apart.
BORDERLlNE – Passing Notes
[DISCLAIMER: You are free to take what you want from this/completely ignore whatever I say] Love this concept, just to start. It’s such an innocent concept that has a lot of potential. I think that it would’ve been better if you didn’t decide to make it preachy in the bridge and just kept it more simple about how you and someone else would pass notes to each other. I get that sounds like a more boring concept, but I’m just gonna tell you now that I would’ve lived for it. Also, you have conflicting tenses in your chorus. “Passing notes ‘til we grew old” makes more sense since you’re talking in past tense in the line after it. Besides that and what I said about the bridge, you invoked the sense you wanted, and I did still find it to be really cute! (Sidenote: I high-key expected you to copy Halsey THANK YOU for proving me wrong! Badlands surprised me as an album, but I want to see the contestants’ writing )
DripDrip – Please Respect Me
[DISCLAIMER: You are free to take what you want from this/completely ignore whatever I say] You better sound the **** OFF at the beginning. I was leaning even though it gave me slam poetry teas. I won’t make a big deal out of it now, but you should spell check in the future <3 It’s “torture” sis! Also, “left the water get full”…I’m trying to figure out what you meant. From what I gathered, you attempted suicide by drowning (based upon “hell cracking in my bathroom”), but you didn’t successfully kill yourself, and the failed attempt made you decide to become stronger and own your identity. A strong narrative, but I had to basically make that up myself because I didn’t really see it coming through. Seeing as we’ve actually been friends for a while now, I can surmise what this is about, and I love that you chose to write about it. It’s a unique perspective we don’t see in this game, which made it so much more refreshing to read. I know the other judges are just gonna expect you to turn up the quirk factor and play your niche role, but I think that’d go against what you just submitted, so just do YOU sis even if they don’t get it.
Minho – Prism
[DISCLAIMER: You are free to take what you want from this/completely ignore whatever I say] You shouldn’t have told me what other people thought of your song, because I see it. . That isn’t to say I didn’t enjoy reading your entry, though, because I could imagine a whole music video to it. Also a first this season! Nobody else has been able to do that for me. Also, I’m obsessed with the whole part starting with “We’re distant, but I feel you trembling”. It’s the part of your song with the most life. I’m going to be petty and say I didn’t like the use of “dazzling” in both the verse and chorus, but it’s really minor…for now. I hope with future entries, I am able to see just where you take your concept!
Meaning: you're gonna write 1 line about it aren't you
Dylobs - The Ambitious Rose Petal
[DISCLAIMER: Everything I say is TRUE ****ING TEA hunty and you better slurp it bitch.] This is trash. Incoherent, inconsistent, and completely disregards any respect for the laws of writing. Honestly you should be ashamed to have wrote it. (10/10)
Dylobs - The Ambitious Rose Petal
[DISCLAIMER: Everything I say is TRUE ****ING TEA hunty and you better slurp it bitch.] This is trash. Incoherent, inconsistent, and completely disregards any respect for the laws of writing. Honestly you should be ashamed to have wrote it. (10/10)
OMG I have the weirdest boner right now aghhhh lash me daddy
Make my night complete and change that 10 to a 3 PLEEASSE
I have 16 entries left I need to judge, and so I decided that I will be doing 8 after I wake up (I'm going to bed now.) and 8 after I've had some time away from judging entries.
Your chorus genuinely felt like it could be in a song. It was the first time this season I could genuinely hear it. I think that says a lot about the type of writer you are.
If I were to pick something apart, it would be the bridge, if only because I immediately thought of a way to lower the word count.
You know, as I was writing I did actually play around with the word count in the bridge (deletng the "ands" vs keeping them). In the end I decided that I liked the 7 syllable lines more than the 6 syllable lines, so I kept the "ands." But if I remember right, Jackson told me to get rid of them too when he did me the courtesy of looking over my draft..
I don’t know why I find that funny. 
One thing I want to compliment you on, though: Your chorus genuinely felt like it could be in a song. It was the first time this season I could genuinely hear it. I think that says a lot about the type of writer you are. Overall, I was really impressed by how much it felt like an actual song and not just a really good poem, but if I were to pick something apart, it would be the bridge, if only because I immediately thought of a way to lower the word count. “My youth, my innocence / My hopes, dreams, and wishes / All sentenced to death / Shattered and extinguished” lowers it by 3 words and is just as effective. Personally, I also think it flows better, based on how I picture it in my head, but it’s fine regardless because as I said, it’s only if I had to pick something apart.
) 
