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Corsola - "Scorching blazes surround the rubble around me" If you're saying something is surrounding you, there's no need to finish it with "around me" since surround already implies it's around you. I feel like your first entry is rather similar to mine, it reads more like poetry or a story than a song. The lines are way too long and your vocabulary is becoming a little cluttered. You have the storytelling in you, but the delivery is coming out all wrong, there's no flow. I suggest you take a look at Jacksons tutorials (someone will post it?) on meter/flow and the thing that helped me the most was reading it aloud (or in your head) and imagine it flowing with a melody. I like what you wrote, it just needs to be polished into song form!
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I actually am gonna look at his tutorials before I make my next entry. I agree with everything you said and I actually didn't notice the redundancy of surround/around me so thank you for pointing that out
I definitely did write a straight on poem for this round which was my biggest issue imo along with some forced vocabulary which I thought was necessary for my imagery. I should definitely cool it with extra vocabulary because I feel that imagery and conceptual storytelling are my strong suits; I should focus more on writing an actual song with flow, meter, etc.
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