Mess I knew I was loophole!
Quote:
17. UFO - Subconscious Being
The opening stanza is so beautifully written, very good job on that. I felt like the first time around, the chorus made no sense to me because of the attitude you had set up in the initial verse but other than that, your story progressed really well. I didn't really enjoy those lines where it felt like movie dialogue rather than lyrics. For instance "I am now aware of your presence" is so distracting. Also kudos on the technicalities such as meter, it made the song flow well but I could tell you didn't have to sacrifice your message to make your lyrics fit these "requirements". Although you kept the space imagery consistent, words like "loophole" and "hemisphere" were not good word choices. Also, the river/drown part was pretty random. All in all, I enjoyed this a lot.
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Thank you!
The opening stanza is my favourite part too. nn I do that a lot where at first nothing makes sense but hopefully it will nearer to the end
Mess, I did feel like some lines sounded more like spoken word. Wait METER?!
I actually threw meter out of the window this round fff I guess congrats to me! I definitely tried to focus on the emotion and the story more.
I can see why "loophole" and "hemisphere" would clash against the space imagery which is less grounded. I chose "loophole" because of the transgender themes and I thought hemisphere was a nice contrast to the more ambitious imagery. I'll take that into account though. The bridge was VERY random
Tbh whenever I write a song with such a specific theme I always try to not make it
too specific so it has more appeal, I feel like that worked in my favour!
I understand where you're coming from though.
