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Celeb News: Is Rihanna asking to be beaten again?
ATRL Administrator
Member Since: 5/2/2000
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Is Rihanna asking to be beaten again?
Interesting piece from Salon.com... it's a good read, but a bit long. If you're lazy, just read the bold text.
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Is Rihanna asking to be beaten again?
by Dr. Amy Tuteur, M.D.
Rihanna has inadvertently shined the spotlight on a taboo subject. No, not domestic violence; discussions about domestic violence have become commonplace. Rihanna has highlighted the problem that no one wants to talk about, the role of women in sustaining abusive relationships.
The sad secret of domestic violence is that it takes two people to sustain an abusive relationship, the abuser and the woman willing to be abused. Rihanna is now the poster child for these women. Rich, talented and beautiful, Rihanna has no objective reason for returning to Chris Brown, the man who battered her face, an important source of her livelihood. She’s going back because she has the psychological need to be hit again, and Chris Brown is going to oblige her. It is only a matter of time before another picture of a bloody and bruised Rihanna appears in People Magazine.
Next time, it will be Rihanna’s fault as well as Brown’s. Sure, it will be Brown who perpetrates the violence, but it will be Rihanna who deliberately has placed herself in harm’s way. Just like the motorist who hits a pedestrian bears some of the responsibility, the person who darted in front of the car at the last moment is equally to blame.
Harsh? You bet it’s harsh. The problem of domestic violence is a brutal problem with harsh realities at its root. It’s time that we acknowledge a central harsh reality: women who return to abusers do so because of their own psychological need for abuse. Until we are as willing to confront the woman’s role in domestic violence as honestly as we confront the man’s role, it will be difficult to make any progress in this already difficult area.
Rihanna’s case is particularly worth highlighting because it has none of the added motivations that are often involved in returning to an abuser. Many women in abusive relationships have children by the abuser, adding an additional emotional tie. Many women in abusive relationships cannot support themselves without the abuser, and therefore stay rather than live in poverty. Most importantly, many women are deathly afraid of their abuser, having no means to protect themselves if the abuser wishes to wreak vengeance.
None of these factors affect Rihanna. Her relationship with Chris Brown is casual and has not been going on for very long. They are not married, and they have no children. Rihanna is fully capable of supporting herself without Brown, and, more importantly, can afford to hire protection against Brown if that is necessary. So Rihanna is going back for one and only one reason: she wants to go back.
Based on publicly available information, it appears that Brown has a classic motivation for domestic violence. As a child, he witnessed his mother being beaten by his stepfather, and he was powerless to protect. Now, as the abuser, he is the powerful one, reliving the experience as the abuser, not the victim. Without serious effort and significant psychological counseling, it is difficult for such men to restrain themselves from abuse. The chances that this was his last episode of domestic violence are vanishingly small, regardless of what he says, promises or believes about himself.
The motivation for women who deliberately return to abusive relationships often centers on deep-seated insecurity. Simply put, as painful as it is both physically and psychologically, being a victim of domestic violence feels “right” and deserved. Such women do not believe, at the deepest levels of their being, that they have the right to be safe, healthy and cherished. They, too, need significant psychological help to reject the mindset that leads them to blame themselves for “provoking” the violence, and to reject the desire to forgive the abuser or believe his protestations of remorse. No doubt Brown is remorseful, but that does not mean that he won’t hit her again.
Only those close to Rihanna can encourage her to get the help she needs, and perhaps even they cannot get her to appraise her situation more realistically. Whatever happens to Rihanna, however, she has give parents a priceless opportunity to discuss domestic violence with their children, particularly their daughters.
Every girl should be taught, and must accept at the deepest part of her being, the conviction that she deserves to be healthy. No one, absolutely no one, ever has the right to hit her. There is no verbal or behavioral provocation so great that it merits physical punishment of adults, let alone adults in an emotional relationship.
Any girl who is treated abusively, either psychologically or physically, by a boyfriend should run in the opposite direction. He may appear remorseful, but it is important to understand that he will not change until he gets considerably psychological help, and maybe not even then. While it may be worthwhile standing behind a husband who makes a long term, good faith effort to control himself, there is simply no justification for standing by a boyfriend.
Rihanna is sending a message to young girls everywhere, but likely not the one that she thinks she is sending. She may believe that she is demonstrating the power of forgiveness, but, in reality, she is demonstrating the power of self-hatred. Parents should make sure that their daughters understand what Rihanna is doing, and that they should feel sorry for her, not admire her. There is never any justification for allowing a boyfriend to be abusive … never! The sooner our daughters learn that, the better.
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I think she makes some good points. Everyone still hates Chris Brown, and now it's also Rihanna's fault, as well, if this happens again. The whole thing really sickens me. Both of them. Thoughts?
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Member Since: 1/9/2009
Posts: 3,553
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Rihanna seemed very strong and tough to me, so I was shocked to hear she took Chris Brown back but now I see she's naive and insecure. She's sending the wrong message to girls my age.
Fight against the abuser don't embrace him.
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Member Since: 8/3/2006
Posts: 33,524
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This proves she had a big part in triggering the fight, she loves him & there's nothing anyone can do or say. Move on... 
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ATRL Senior Member
Member Since: 12/29/2003
Posts: 6,311
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She’s going back because she has the psychological need to be hit again, and Chris Brown is going to oblige her.
Is it really that hard to understand people remain in such relationships for other reasons than just psychological "need to be hit"?! Granted, Tauteur later mentions most of the reasons but I feel like there is still something wrong with how people are viewing her decision. I mean, he was there since the for most of her rising career, and so there is a chance that she ended up growing with him and he had a great impact on her emotionally. If that is the case, it would be very hard to let go.
I do like how Tuteur mentions how "[only] those close to Rihanna can encourage her to get the help she needs, and perhaps even they cannot get her to appraise her situation more realistically." No matter what is going on in her head, it really depends on those that truly know her, not her "fans" who are "disappointed" that she did not follow up on their support and leave him. All of this is easier said than done and while I am not saying that her decision is right or logical, how can no one even attempts to understand how hard it may be. Yes, she SHOULD leave, and NOW, but what does everyone get out of blaming her and losing respect for her?
Also, the article briefly mentions Chris Brown's history but it still focuses on Rihanna's decision to stay and little on Chris Brown's inability to control himself and not seek such kind of power. That is why I get frustrated, because I have seen more responses concerning her decision rather than his action. He has no influence on younger boys, especially those from abusive families, but her decision makes her the poster child for every female in abusive relationships?
On an end note, I do completely agree with how "[every] girl should be taught, and must accept at the deepest part of her being, the conviction that she deserves to be healthy. No one, absolutely no one, ever has the right to hit her. There is no verbal or behavioral provocation so great that it merits physical punishment of adults, let alone adults in an emotional relationship."
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Member Since: 12/12/2004
Posts: 17,160
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Well obviously.
tmz said she told police it wasnt the first time he was physical with her & the fact that she got back with him so quickly kinda shows its not a big deal to her or that shes used to doing it. Tierra, obviously she pissed him off or "triggered" the argument but that doesnt mean anything.
By going back shes putting herself in the position to get hurt BUT why are people just expecting that to happen? People can really change.
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Member Since: 1/9/2009
Posts: 3,553
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Quote:
Originally posted by Delicious
Well obviously.
tmz said she told police it wasnt the first time he was physical with her & the fact that she got back with him so quickly kinda shows its not a big deal to her or that shes used to doing it. Tierra, obviously she pissed him off or "triggered" the argument but that doesnt mean anything.
By going back shes putting herself in the position to get hurt BUT why are people just expecting that to happen? People can really change.
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If he hit her many tines before, he'll probably do it again.
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Member Since: 12/12/2004
Posts: 17,160
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Quote:
Originally posted by Love is Love
If he hit her many tines before, he'll probably do it again.
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He probably will do it again. OR he probably wont ever do it again. People keep saying it like its a fact that he will based on studies or whatever.
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Member Since: 4/6/2007
Posts: 15,583
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If RiRi wants to be with Chris then let her be. I swear some people want Rihanna to get out of the relationship and write a powerful ladies anthem and Chris put to death and his remains cremated and sent to the bowels of hell even though we don't know them. You know sometimes it's possible to work things out. 
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Member Since: 1/9/2009
Posts: 3,553
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Quote:
Originally posted by Delicious
He probably will do it again. OR he probably wont ever do it again. People keep saying it like its a fact that he will based on studies or whatever.
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I'm not saying it's a fact, that's just my opinion but based on what I've witnessed ,I think he'll do it again.
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Member Since: 1/9/2009
Posts: 3,553
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Quote:
Originally posted by Yahhh!
If RiRi wants to be with Chris then let her be. I swear some people want Rihanna to get out of the relationship and write a powerful ladies anthem and Chris put to death and his remains cremated and sent to the bowels of hell even though we don't know them. You know sometimes it's possible to work things out. |
That would do wonders for her career
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Member Since: 8/3/2006
Posts: 33,524
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Quote:
Originally posted by Yahhh!
If RiRi wants to be with Chris then let her be. I swear some people want Rihanna to get out of the relationship and write a powerful ladies anthem and Chris put to death and his remains cremated and sent to the bowels of hell even though we don't know them. You know sometimes it's possible to work things out. |
Exactly. This scandal's excitement was over the moment the pics leaked anyway, it became serious, Whitney's pics never leaked, we just heard about it.
You definatly stole that avatar from my guy Cody, BTW. Or did you make? He's so appealing to me. 
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ATRL Administrator
Member Since: 5/2/2000
Posts: 2,844
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They're both poster children in the worst way.
Chris Brown represents the manipulative, remorseless abuser. I call him remorseless because of the picture of him on his stupid jet ski. He is deplorable. Rihanna represents the naive, complacent victim who puts herself back in a situation where she will get abused again. She lost everyone's respect because she, as a celebrity, had much more support than a normal person would, and as the article's author pointed out, virtually no excuses to get back with him.
Sickening and sickening.
What's worse is seeing people who support them getting back together. That's not supporting a relationship; it's saying physical abuse is OK. If that ends up as the popular opinion, this generation has no hope.
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Member Since: 12/12/2004
Posts: 17,160
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Basically...people just dont understand. It doesnt have anything to do with the fact that she can take care of herself financially so she "doesnt need him", its the fact that she loves him. She said he was one of the few people she trusts & shes from an abusive background just like him. It goes alot deeper than everybody thinks.
Bottom line, she's gonna do what she wants to do for herself. Why cant they get together and have a healthy relationship, why people gotta stick their soggy noses up in their biz tryna throw shade?!
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ATRL Administrator
Member Since: 5/2/2000
Posts: 2,844
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So she trusted him... how could she ever trust him now? Someone explain that, because it makes no damn sense. Trusting someone who tore your face apart. That has gotta trump everything else he ever did.
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Member Since: 1/9/2009
Posts: 3,553
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Quote:
Originally posted by TC
So she trusted him... how could she ever trust him now? Someone explain that, because it makes no damn sense. Trusting someone who tore your face apart. That has gotta trump everything else he ever did.
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She's extremely naive. I think Rihanna and Chris could end up being the next Ike and Tina or Bobby and Whitney.
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ATRL Senior Member
Member Since: 12/29/2003
Posts: 6,311
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Quote:
Originally posted by TC
They're both poster children in the worst way.
Chris Brown represents the manipulative, remorseless abuser. I call him remorseless because of the picture of him on his stupid jet ski. He is deplorable. Rihanna represents the naive, complacent victim who puts herself back in a situation where she will get abused again. She lost everyone's respect because she, as a celebrity, had much more support than a normal person would, and as the article's author pointed out, virtually no excuses to get back with him.
Sickening and sickening.
What's worse is seeing people who support them getting back together. That's not supporting a relationship; it's saying physical abuse is OK. If that ends up as the popular opinion, this generation has no hope.
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I am not, at all, supporting her reason for getting back with him. I am just sick of seeing so much against her for getting back with him when he was the one who was abusive. I am glad you see how they are both poster children but from majority of the replies, there seems to be a loss of respect for merely Rihanna, and not so much for Chris Brown. I do not think anyone really supported him, except some people who say that she might have instigated him, but where are the articles and news segments concerning his need for help and how he is setting a horrible example? From what I have noticed, the media always focuses on the one being abused and not so much the negative behavior of the abuser, as if that is more accepted. I get how people do not see him changing and yet they expect Rihanna to change drastically? Why does the media make Chris Brown's behavior seem more acccepted, or something more normal?
As for trust, I do not know if she even really wants to trust him again or if she feels compelled for some reason to just stay with him and let her emotions overrule the facts. Honestly, my opinions are more geared towards abusive relationships in general, and not specifically towards Rihanna and Chris Brown, since I really do not know that much about the two.
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Member Since: 12/12/2004
Posts: 17,160
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Quote:
Originally posted by TC
So she trusted him... how could she ever trust him now? Someone explain that, because it makes no damn sense. Trusting someone who tore your face apart. That has gotta trump everything else he ever did.
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You still dont get it....logically what you're saying makes sense but feelings are another thing. Imagine spending almost everyday with somebody, its like you cant imagine what life would be without them. One slip-up isnt gonna change that & especially if your partner keeps apologizing & telling you how much he loves you, you're gonna want to believe it.
People act like shes a grown ass 35 year old with experience who should just know everything thats going on & how it will affect her. She's still young & this is probably her first real relationship & doesnt know anything else especially considering her background...
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Member Since: 4/6/2007
Posts: 15,583
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Quote:
Originally posted by 1-N-Only21
Exactly. This scandal's excitement was over the moment the pics leaked anyway, it became serious, Whitney's pics never leaked, we just heard about it.
You definatly stole that avatar from my guy Cody, BTW. Or did you make? He's so appealing to me. |
I made it. I thought I was the first lol Cudi is gonna slay soon. 
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Member Since: 12/12/2004
Posts: 17,160
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ugh at me getting so involved 
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ATRL Administrator
Member Since: 5/2/2000
Posts: 2,844
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Quote:
Originally posted by Love is Love
She's extremely naive. I think Rihanna and Chris could end up being the next Ike and Tina or Bobby and Whitney.
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They very well could be. Good point. I hope not, though.
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Originally posted by Delicious
If your partner keeps apologizing & telling you how much he loves you, you're gonna want to believe it.
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Of course. He's taking a page right out of the playbook. It's never the truth. She's just young and naive.
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Originally posted by orange
Why does the media make Chris Brown's behavior seem more acccepted, or something more normal?
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Nobody accepts Chris Brown's actions. No one gives a **** about Chris Brown because it's obvious that being an abuser is really bad. Nobody is gonna defend his actions or waste time debating it. There's no debate.
Rihanna's decision is much more a topic for debate, and that's why everyone is talking about it. Like it or not, it's the responsibility of the victim to leave. Only she has the power to stop it. The abuser sure isn't gonna stop it. The victim can either redeem herself or she can accept her abuse. It is solely her decision.
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