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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 8
Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
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Had you kept those emotions and that sense of urgency throughout the song this could have been one of my favorites. I think you took repition to an extreme, especially at the end of the song. Remember we’re just seeing a page of lyrics, so “we’re running free (x57)” doesn’t do much for us.
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The point was kinda to contrast the urgency of the prechorus + bridge with the slower, calmer chorus. Calmness is freedom, so it's a build up to freedom. 
Would it have been better if I had just used "repeat chorus," then?
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Member Since: 8/18/2013
Posts: 1,808
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Quote:
Originally posted by Sam
10. Kunst – I Bet (Betrayal)
I loved the emotions behind this song and your story-telling approach. I almost wish the chorus was less metaphoric, or that you had at least not included a cliché knife line. The storyline was enthralling but the chorus almost lost my interest. Your flow could use a bit of work, and with a bit of tightening up this song could be extremely powerful. I didn’t quite get the twist.
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Thanks GS! I knew the second I click on submit, that this line was weak, and it did water down the chorus, so I'm glad that was pointed out. Hopefully, if I make it to the next round, I'll skive those little cliches!
And just if you want to know, the song is written in first song, making me look like the traitor, and then in the bridge those words are attributed to the someone that wronged me, and the POV switches, therefore, the last chorus being written in inverted person.
Thanks for the feedback, thou 
Same to you Hugamari 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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21. ClarksonSlays – Pain Remains (Guilt)
This gives me Otto teas tbh. You definitely used the devastation of 9/11 as almost a crutch to hold up your song, but there were more than a few parts that were good in themselves, so I don’t mind too much. A few lines (“How I still smell your shirt, and wear your green coat”) read as awkward. The varying meter did mess me up a bit, and I’m not buying your lazy excuse of “it showed the chaos of 9/11” or whatever you were trying to pull . The chorus, thankfully, was the best part.
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otto? idk ha
Yeah those lines were kinda bold 
And I'm trying to use more literary devices - ie the meter shifting - because
1) my world lit class is actually teaching me about them
2) I use my songs for discussion board posts to get credit, so I try to my songs into the class somehow 
You liked the chorus the best? Literally everyone else liked the second verse most.
I didn't get tugged that hard
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Member Since: 4/4/2014
Posts: 10,514
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Achilles serving "Out of the Woods" realness.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Okay, well, I'm peacing out. Buy Delirium on iKoons!
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 5,500
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11. TheCheetahwings – Solidarity (Loneliness)
This song started out awkwardly, but fortunately got better throughout. The title line could be rephrased and make the song much tighter, and the line “And it’s not voluntary/When I choose to be alone” doesn’t make a lot of sense. Your second verse conveyed the themes of your song much more effectively, and your bridge practically saved you.
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Mess, did I send it in with the wrong title or
I'm glad it got better as the song progressed tho  And I agree the title line definitely could've been better, it was the main part I struggled with. And yas @ you liking the bridge though I hope it's enough to get me through to the next round 
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Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
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Quote:
Originally posted by Moonchild
Achilles serving "Out of the Woods" realness.
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I wish it was that good.
But wait it really is. Repetitive chorus. Sense of urgency. Use of the word "monsters" in the bridge.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Skill, I get what you mean about my style, it's very particular and very Florence
But what do you mean by "something more emotionally charged"?
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Originally posted by Jaxswim
Bitch I am FIFTEEN years old do not be pushing your sexual agenda on me. 
I'm kidding but no, it was not about handjobs, lemme clear that up. 
So glad you liked it!!  |
It wasn't about handjobs OR fingering? 
Lemme rescore then 
Quote:
Originally posted by Achilles.
The point was kinda to contrast the urgency of the prechorus + bridge with the slower, calmer chorus. Calmness is freedom, so it's a build up to freedom.
Would it have been better if I had just used "repeat chorus," then? |
If you were trying to convey calmness, I wish you would have done it in a more descriptive way, more similar to how keshaspearsxo did it this round to make it more interesting.
You could have said repeat chorus, or honestly you could have left that part out for us. I get that it was part of the song for you, but I'm sure you can understand that for us judges it doesn't really add anything. When i was a contestant I would sometimes write two versions: the song I would submit and the song that I would keep for myself to sing and play.
Quote:
Originally posted by Kunst
Thanks GS! I knew the second I click on submit, that this line was weak, and it did water down the chorus, so I'm glad that was pointed out. Hopefully, if I make it to the next round, I'll skive those little cliches!
And just if you want to know, the song is written in first song, making me look like the traitor, and then in the bridge those words are attributed to the someone that wronged me, and the POV switches, therefore, the last chorus being written in inverted person.
Thanks for the feedback, thou
Same to you Hugamari |
OK, that makes the twist make more sense. You could have done something in the bridge to provide a transition to make it make a little more sense and for the song to read a little more smoothly.
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Originally posted by ClarksonSlays
otto? idk ha
Yeah those lines were kinda bold
And I'm trying to use more literary devices - ie the meter shifting - because
1) my world lit class is actually teaching me about them
2) I use my songs for discussion board posts to get credit, so I try to my songs into the class somehow
You liked the chorus the best? Literally everyone else liked the second verse most.
I didn't get tugged that hard |
Otto is one of the most iconic flops in PH history. That's all you need to know
Quote:
Originally posted by ceremonials
Skill, I get what you mean about my style, it's very particular and very Florence
But what do you mean by "something more emotionally charged"?
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Your style is almost 100% focused on your imagery and meter. From a technical standpoint your songs are virtually flawless. Still, it doesn't quite feel like you're connected to the song or you "feel" it 100%, so I just want to see you connect with a song a bit more. Write about yourself or something you're struggling through maybe. It doesn't have to be every week, but I'd love to see you try it.
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Member Since: 2/7/2014
Posts: 3,371
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Quote:
Originally posted by GotSkill
It wasn't about handjobs OR fingering?
Lemme rescore then |
I mean, it's obviously sexual but it's not like about anything in particular
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Member Since: 4/4/2014
Posts: 10,514
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23. Moonchild – Lifeblood (Desire)
Why does your writing style remind me so much of myself?  . Just take it all. This is exactly what I look for in a sex song. It was subtle, sensual, and beautifully descriptive without being overly explicit. I see you in the finale already.
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Thank you so much, GS!  Are there any parts you specifically liked or anything you want to see improved?
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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05. Dylobs – On My Own (Loneliness)
General: What's confusing about this song to me is that the chorus felt like an empowerment anthem, but the verses felt like a slow dramatic piano ballad coupled with sad strings in the background. Speaking of the verses, though, I absolutely adore some of the lines in them! "I've misconstrued the beckoning/Mistaken it for company", in particular, was a real high point of the song for me! You had some real brilliant lyrical moments in this song, and I can definitely appreciate that!
Does it fit the challenge: What's interesting about this is, in a way, I did get a sense of loneliness - breaking free from it, anyway. I'd say yeah, it does.
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05. Dylobs – On My Own (Loneliness)
Maybe it was just the way I read it in my head, but I loved the flow of your verses and the melodies I picked up throughout the song. Lyrically, your verses were also your strongest part of your song. Unfortunately, your chorus didn’t live up to the verses. The first line alone was much too clunky and didn’t make a lot of grammatical sense. The last two lines don’t seem to fit the theme or tone of the rest of the song either. Other than those few lines, I thought you grasped the theme of loneliness well.
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I have to admit, I was very proud of the verses. In particular this:
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I've misconstrued the beckoning
Mistaken it for company
Only to be thrown away
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I knew that this was probably one of the smarter lyrics I've come up with in the past 4 songs I've ever made. I know the choruses were weaker than they should've been but I struggled coming up with something that wasn't cliche but instead I just made shiz. How did either of you find my bridge btw ?
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by Moonchild
Thank you so much, GS! Are there any parts you specifically liked or anything you want to see improved? |
some favorite lines
"hands on my hard and lips on me soft"
"sex clouded eyes and lust in my vision"
I've noticed you mention the moon a lot in your songs, so I'd just be wary of that so you don't become a one trick pony. I would also rephrase the prechorus a little to make it make grammatical sense and fit the flow simultaneously. I'm not sure if I love the "ice touch, sweat, skin" contradiction either 
Quote:
Originally posted by Dylobs
I have to admit, I was very proud of the verses. In particular this:
I knew that this was probably one of the smarter lyrics I've come up with in the past 4 songs I've ever made. I know the choruses were weaker than they should've been but I struggled coming up with something that wasn't cliche but instead I just made shiz. How did either of you find my bridge btw ? |
I liked the pretense shattered wall line or whatever that was. I liked the last two lines of the bridge as well. They were better than the chorus but not quite up to the level of the verses.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Quote:
Originally posted by GotSkill
It wasn't about handjobs OR fingering?
Lemme rescore then
If you were trying to convey calmness, I wish you would have done it in a more descriptive way, more similar to how keshaspearsxo did it this round to make it more interesting.
You could have said repeat chorus, or honestly you could have left that part out for us. I get that it was part of the song for you, but I'm sure you can understand that for us judges it doesn't really add anything. When i was a contestant I would sometimes write two versions: the song I would submit and the song that I would keep for myself to sing and play.
OK, that makes the twist make more sense. You could have done something in the bridge to provide a transition to make it make a little more sense and for the song to read a little more smoothly.
Otto is one of the most iconic flops in PH history. That's all you need to know
Your style is almost 100% focused on your imagery and meter. From a technical standpoint your songs are virtually flawless. Still, it doesn't quite feel like you're connected to the song or you "feel" it 100%, so I just want to see you connect with a song a bit more. Write about yourself or something you're struggling through maybe. It doesn't have to be every week, but I'd love to see you try it. |
Like, it should be more of a personal experience rather than a narrative like most of my songs are? Is that what you mean?
But yeah, imagery and meter were things that drug me down a lot in the first two rounds so I've been focusing on them more
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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Quote:
Originally posted by Moonchild
If it's flipped, it's:
Vulnicura, Matty
spearsxo, Jax, 8th, Moon
Ausdanial, jpow, Euphorian, ceremonials, Kworb (or Urban), Clarkson, Element
Dylobs, inunorg, Conatus, Kunst, Cheetah, Achilles, Jack!
Buyonce, Tymps, Blue
URBAN (or Kworb) |
So this is basically the order, based on your comments
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Member Since: 4/4/2014
Posts: 10,514
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Quote:
Originally posted by GotSkill
some favorite lines
"hands on my hard and lips on me soft"
"sex clouded eyes and lust in my vision"
I've noticed you mention the moon a lot in your songs, so I'd just be wary of that so you don't become a one trick pony. I would also rephrase the prechorus a little to make it make grammatical sense and fit the flow simultaneously. I'm not sure if I love the "ice touch, sweat, skin" contradiction either |
Aw, I love the moon and its symbolism. I'll keep that in mind, though. Thank you!
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Member Since: 2/7/2014
Posts: 3,371
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dylobs
So this is basically the order, based on your comments |
I'm in disbelief that I made top ten on anyone's scores
Thank you GS
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dylobs
So this is basically the order, based on your comments |
Yas I made his top 10 then
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by ceremonials
Like, it should be more of a personal experience rather than a narrative like most of my songs are? Is that what you mean?
But yeah, imagery and meter were things that drug me down a lot in the first two rounds so I've been focusing on them more
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Yeah, it's just something I want to see you try, not a permanent change. I think you could get something good out of it. It's kinda hard to find the balance between imagery, poeticism, flow, and emotion, but I only give 10's to songs that have all 4 of those things down perfectly (dont worry about being perfect yet though)
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Originally posted by Moonchild
Aw, I love the moon and its symbolism. I'll keep that in mind, though. Thank you! |
I get that the moon is kinda your "thing", and I respect that and like that you have a symbol you hold on so tightly too, just don't overuse or abuse it
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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So Sam, would you say 5 people are leaving this time?
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