| |
Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
|
REVIEWS AS THEY COME (YOUR DAD IS SO OLD THAT WHEN HE COMES HE E-JACKULATES POWDER /WHITECHICKS)
Quote:
13. feelslikeadream - Rest
This is an very intriguing concept and the song would have fit PERFECTLY in Hor Records  The interior rhymes gave this song a really nice foundation. I love how you go from young people buying their first phsycal home to an old person finding home in death (a Day of the Dead tea). A lot of your entries this season have had a connection with the term "home" and it's many meanings, it's interesting. My only complaint here is that "But all you’ll find is darkness / In the deepest black night," states the obvious and serves wooden branch tea, like you just wanted a rhyme for "light." Other than that, the bridge was spectacular and was rather chilling. Beautiful title. I kind of want to steal this whole thing.
|
|
|
|
|
ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
|
Quote:
Originally posted by mxtthewdelrey
I'm really angry, and this is not okay.
|
I'm cackling idk why
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/18/2013
Posts: 2,811
|
Well I'm gong out this round 
Not one of my favourite songs I've ever written being dragged to high heavens. Oh well, that's the way my favourites always seem to end in this competition.
_______________
I only find one part of my song remotely Country-ish
And the antidepressant line was purposely written like that. It's kind of half serious but also mocking typical indie lyrics
________
Oh well. I'll just enjoy the song myself 
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
|
Quote:
Originally posted by CountryBritney
Well I'm gong out this round
Not one of my favourite songs I've ever written being dragged to high heavens. Oh well, that's the way my favourites always seem to end in this competition. |
Well, one person has a huge score penalty and another sent a troll entry. I don't think you have too much to worry about. 
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Hugamari
Well, one person has a huge score penalty
|
Who could you be talking about?
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Dylobs
Who could you be talking about?
|
Moonchild, obviously
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
|
low key tired, sorry 14-17!
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
|
Praying that I get out. I want at least one week off. Pretty sure the comeback round is after round 7, right?
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
|
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
|
Taylor's next album gonna serve
"You know that I'd never cheat on a man
Cause I'm not like that
I'm physically crafted to be
As fitting as McQueen"
realness.
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
Quote:
Originally posted by ceremonials
Praying that I get out. I want at least one week off. Pretty sure the comeback round is after round 7, right?
|
Next week, sorry!
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
|
Quote:
Originally posted by swiftie13
REVIEWS AS THEY COME (EAT MORE PINEAPPLE GUYS)
|
If there's ever been a time a judge has pointed out a part of somebody's song in praise and I've agreed with it, it's here
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
|
Quote:
Originally posted by ceremonials
Praying that I get out. I want at least one week off. Pretty sure the comeback round is after round 7, right?
|
Why would you play for weeks if you didn't want to be in. Weren't you just saying something about me not respecting my position?
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
Got the first 5 reviews doneT
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
|
Wow slay. Hopefully you get the other ones done before your life becomes a vicious tornado of theatrical releases and parties with loud music and alcoholic beverages.
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
|
I got bottom 3 in r/LSFYL this week 
I need more people to vote for me this coming week
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Hugamari
Wow slay. Hopefully you get the other ones done before your life becomes a vicious tornado of theatrical releases and parties with loud music and alcoholic beverages.
|
Hopefully I get blackout drunk tomorrow and forget all about this game 
|
|
|
|
ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
|
Quote:
Originally posted by jpow
I got bottom 3 in r/LSFYL this week
I need more people to vote for me this coming week |
What is it I'll vote
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
Next week, sorry!
|
 how many are coming back??
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
|
ALL REVIEWS
Quote:
1. Hugamari - Bastard Child
Wow, I don't think I ever expected to read a song like this from you but you pulled it off fantastically. This flows very well and it definitely fits within the folk style of writing. The first verse rolled off the tongue so well and although brother/mother/father are easy rhymes, it connects the subject very well without being forceful in my opinion. Again "why even try," may seem like an easy rhyme and safe line but it comes across as powerful in its simplicity. The bridge could have been better (it was far too cliche for my taste) but it did a good job at presenting the (fantastic) plot twist at the end. After last week's tumble in quality, I'm glad you came back with something as strong as this. This is exactly what I was looking for.
2. Nait Phoenix - Cinders
I can see how this would fit into 8ths label, good job. Although it's far too vague to comprehend at first, it's well written and the flow is incredible. There weren't too many cliches even with all the fire imagery, surprisingly; that's always a plus. The only parts I have complaints about are the bridge and the pre chorus. More specifically the "travel through these lands," part. It didn't seem to fit in with the rest of the song very well and it appeared to be an easy way out for your rhyme scheme. Also the "I'd rather choose to die or live again," line makes little sense. Otherwise, great entry!
3. Vision - Chasing Alice
This was very well written. "She dances just like a dream / In rivers that flow through me / Now my world is full of colour / Each moment with her sets me free," this is quite possibly my favorite thing you've written in this competition. I will say, the opening verse was kind of a rocky beginning, and the "take her all night," was either confusing or vulgar, I don't know. The stressing in the chorus made it awkward to read and "one more drink we'll paint the town red," was an awkward phrase to begin with. Actually, the whole chorus was pretty weak but the spoken word lines really lifted the entry. They lifted any emotional dullness this song had.
4. Citrus - Scary Movie
I don't know whether to applaud you going all the way with your concept or what. It's definitely a unique entry with a concept that I wouldn't generally view as lyrical but I'll put that aside and give it to you. There were many clever one-liners here. "The audience isn’t sure we’ll make it,
But let’s write a sequel anyway," showcases just how good of a writer you are. You have such a distinct style even when experimenting. I was originally concerned when you were talking about hyperlinks but it wasn't an exhausting amount (a reverse ClarksonSlays experience); the references were kept at a desirable amount. Not your best entry by any means, but it was not bad at all.
5. mxtthewdelrey - Thinking About You, Girl
"She’s only three metres away-ay-ay-ay," if you're serious, I'm sorry. I don't get your artistry. I can see this working for things with instrumentals but based on lyrics alone, it's weak. Some lines were clever ("No longer waiting, this impatient nation," I liked this one, idk). Yet with the inclusion of trees, gravy, and what seemed to be a parody of love cliches, it felt like a joke. The rhymes were also forced everywhere, it was almost immature (writing wise). I feel like your style could work if you become a little more clever with it but you seem to take the easy way out when it comes to things to say.
6. CountryBritney - Georgie
Sorry but "Your beauty is luminescent / While your mind's on anti-depressants," has got to be the funniest rhyme of the season. That + the name Georgie + the bridge are the only salvageable things about this entry. The rest feels like a collection of songs with the same concept mashed up in one piece. I really didn't enjoy reading this but I KNOW you have it in you as evidenced by the poignancy in your bridge ( ). Also this didn't seem to fit the label you chose in my opinion, it sounded more like a country song.
7. Buyonce1814 - Jimmy
I LOVED the opening line, however the easy rhymes throughout the first verse almost cheapened it despite it having a good story to tell. The second verse and prechorus were MUCH better using both quirky language and storytelling techniques without the cheap rhymes. I think this captures the ideals of Jackson's label perfectly and even if it comes off as contrived a couple of times, it's very well done overall. I can hear a whole backing track to this as I read it. You displayed versatility quite nicely this week. Good job.
8. Tylerbv - You and I
Gaga, ha impact! Okay, a lot of this song was intelligently written and that of a true writer ("but my hands were shaking as i ignored the brakes," is the kind of lyrics I LIVE FOR). However there was some awkward language in between ("you found me at our agreed upon spot,") that could have been easily fixed thus making your entry way better. The twist at the end was a bit too sudden in my opinion and the language itself started getting sloppy for the sake of telling the rest of the tale, and while the story is probably more important, I'd rather you keep a consistent quality throughout the piece. I see how this fits Jackson's label nicely. A Bonnie and Clyde tea with a twist!
9. Jaxswim - If You Cant Take The Heat
"Imma (two gunshots)" great lyricism! Condescension aside (am I able to ever put that aside? I dunno, but anyway...) I don't know if this is what Jackson was looking for in his description. ("Gun on me, whiskey on me / Gun on me, bad bitch on me," sounds more like a male anti-Lana Del Rey). There's some conflicting language in here as well with "dust before my wake," clashing with the more... gangster (?) language used. Overall the flow was good (in the verses anyway), though, so it read well out loud. But please, this is a lyrics competition. (Two gunshots) does not cut it. The chorus overall was messy and strife/life seemed rushed.
10. MattyTacos - Head Over Heart
This started off rather brilliantly but quickly fell into a puddle of cliches. "Sipping on our history, guess I’ll have another drink," is one of my favorite lines this season but if you had deleted "guess" it would have been ten times better. This wasn't a weak entry, it just wasn't as strong as it could have been. The strength lies in the verses, which held this piece together. The bridge also came full circle quite nicely. I like the remarks about the city and streets and "I see you in places we’d never go," is such an emotional line when you really think about it. The surreal/feel rhymes are inexcusable!  I can see HRJR using this, though, good job on that!
11. jpow - Magnum Opus
OK, WOW. Very rarely am I excited line by line as I read an entry but as I was reading this, I was looking forward to the next line. This is truly your magnum opus. The way you incorporated the history of art into this is genius. I also love how in the first verse, the girl went from coming out of the shell to having a pearl earring (THAT'S THE KIND OF STUFF THAT WRITERS WRITE). "Sunday afternoons spent at La Grande Jatte," was clunky and it started feeling almost like a list here but this was quickly amended.
"Begin with the background
And move to the focus
Paint with a passion
For your magnum opus,"
This is ARTPOP if I've ever read it. Easily one of my favorite concepts to date.
12. Ceremonials - Areola
Your pu$$y is too dry to be riding our diXks like this.
Tbh this was perfect.
13. feelslikeadream - Rest
This is an very intriguing concept and the song would have fit PERFECTLY in Hor Records The interior rhymes gave this song a really nice foundation. I love how you go from young people buying their first phsycal home to an old person finding home in death (a Day of the Dead tea). A lot of your entries this season have had a connection with the term "home" and it's many meanings, it's interesting. My only complaint here is that "But all you’ll find is darkness / In the deepest black night," states the obvious and serves wooden branch tea, like you just wanted a rhyme for "light." Other than that, the bridge was spectacular and was rather chilling. Beautiful title. I kind of want to steal this whole thing.
14. HausOfNiko - Ballerinas Dancing on the Moon
This was a very interesting piece. Although there were some parts that brought this entry down ("But now that you're gone my brain is in a drought," and "We cuddle under my favorite blanket and watch the stars go by,") as they didn't go with the feel of the rest of the song (and cuddling is way too conversational for the style of language you used) it was very strong overall. It took a bit, but after a while I felt the emotion through the words. The way you wrote about the character missing the negatives as well was quite beautiful and possibly my favorite thing you've written so far. The bridge didn't seem to add anything to the song but it wasn't bad. "When the stars were already aligning," really brings out the regretful tone you were going for. Rhyming moonlight with moonlight during the chorus was not a good move in my opinion but "Then I realize we still see the same stars at night / They still move like ballerina's in the moonlight," was SO good
15. Achilles. - Better Than Human
I never thought I'd actually read the word fat or any of its variations in a song. The fatter/matter rhyme was so bad  BUT this piece overall touched my heart. It did take a while (until the bridge) but I got the utterly confessional vibe and I dig it. Although peppered with easy rhymes and an unexceptional pre-chorus that could have been done without, your message is very easy to relate to. This particular entry reminded me of something Madonna would write during her early 2000s artistic peak, so this is definitely something Hor Records would be looking for! Try not to use as many of those rhymes anymore, however. While they may help with the flow, it often cheapens the piece as a whole.
16. Moonchild - Cowboy Style
This is hot (although I'm not sure if this is what Jackson was looking for? I dunno). Overall, the word I'd use for this is clever (I don't have an impressive vocabulary). "My hands rope around your jeans," this shows the way you have mastered the art of incorporating relevant imagery but not without taste. Keep that up. Both verses were so short AND there were no bad lines so that's a plus. The only thing I'll bring up, and this may be prude of me (surprisingly), the inclusion of the word "moan" may have been a bit too raunchy and unsophisticated--which your entry, for the most part, was sophisticated. The home/roam rhyme was also a little below par but you delivered the message behind those two lines well. If this were bacon, it'd be mostly crispy goodness with little to no fat.
17. Dylobs - The Tide To End It All
Water? Definitely belongs to Temporal. Okay, but this is a low key better incorporation of water imagery than anything Temporal has don (well Ocean Lips exists, but still). There were surprisingly very little cliches in here and I can forgive the forced rhymes because they went along with the song quite nicely (away/astray, etc). The structure could have been tighter but the content was powerful and the last line really dug the knife all the way into my heart. The only word choice I didn't really like was "pool," although it deals with water, it just felt out of place for me and rhyming it with shameful was not a good idea. I'm super impressed by this entry nonetheless.
|
I won't lie, I was VERY impressed this round. Keep that up, gals!
|
|
|
|
|
|
