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Tournament: PLΔTINUM HIT • season six
Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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I was a bit more harsh than usual this week, but I think that's because I felt like you deserved to know what I feel like you could improve on, rather than my generic "slay bitch!!!" comments. I know I'm like a third wheel here as far as judges go, but I'm trying to get better. 
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Chrysalis probably ties with Nighthawks as my most universally-acclaimed song.  I felt like I overcame something this round. The concept about having a dying wish, the concept about chinese whispers representing the psychological side of love, the concept about flying out of the chrysalis and forming into butterflies, the concept of being strangers before finding the one you love the most, the concept of love becoming dangerous, the concept of 'a swan song', the concept of love acting as a crutch. I could go on and on. I feel fulfilled.
Now imma read through the other contestants' feedback 
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Originally posted by GotSkill
I’m really proud of myself for forcing you to venture out of your shell and do something completely unexpected  . Do you realize that your prose style fits perfectly with love songs? I felt like I was reading an old folky love ballad, and to me that’s a really good thing. I saw you comment about how your bridge wouldn’t make sense, but I think the imagery was perfect and it was a metaphor that wasn’t too cryptic to where I couldn’t understand it. This was beautiful, probably my favorite song I’ve read from you, and out of the six I’ve read so far definitely my favorite. |
I literally had no clue that love songs fit my songwriting style so well. Actually, I kinda knew but I was a bit hesistant at first since I usually focus on the heartbreak afterwards rather than the before and during. 'Old folky love ballad' ahh this makes me so happy because that's EXACTLY the sound I had in mind for it, really mysterious yet raw in its nature. Yeah, the bridge was definitely a throwback to the usual archaic language that I write in but I left it in there because I did feel it made sense to what the song suggested throughout. Thank you btw 
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Originally posted by feelslikeadream
The swans  Anyway, I really liked the opening of the song—the first three lines were so cute. I don’t understand how you just *find* someone lying next to your side though. Ultimately, this song is part “Butterfly” (by Mariah Carey) and part “Burn With You” (by Lea Michele) in that it’s a love song about liberation, with a dark twist. I really liked the concept of the butterfly forming and leaving the cocoon once it had its other half. And I liked the hint of the death drive that undergirded the song. But the swans! Here’s the thing. The bridge is actually OK, but it feels out of place here. “Two swans kiss in a bloody lake.” That does not fit tonally with the rest of the song at all. And the message is mixed—the swans that come later are happy the other swans died? Who would happily dance in bloody water  Those swans sound like they have psychological issues. |
I think that's the beauty of it. Not knowing when you'd find 'the one' and they eventually turn up and you're like: 'damn, were you here waiting for me all along?' The two songs you compared it to are amazing  and I really like that description. The lyric about swans kissing in a bloody lake means that their love will thrive even when they're surrounded by scars they left behind. It's supposed to show a contrast in the bridge which I probably could've executed a lil better. They are the same swans although you could say that other swans came along and ignored the 'bloody lake' knowing they'd eventually drown it it due to love. I'm not sure. All up to interpretation bb The original concept I had in mind was a 'swan song' if you're familiar with that phrase.
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Originally posted by Hugamari
WHAT. THE OPENING LINE. BITCH YOU HIDING SOMETHING FROM US, SOME TALENT IN THERE. Like I just read it and I was like "well damn". A stroke of genius imo. The rest of the song just isn't up to par, but I won't be too harsh since I like the opening line so much.
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ffffffff I was actually really nervous that the rest of my song wouldn't live up to those first few lines since they're so strong in comparison. I did have to re-work it though. Who knows? Maybe in the future I'll write a song, titled: Strangers 
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Quote:
Originally posted by JustLuke
I'd be surprised. To be honest, can't be that much different.
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I still stand by my saying I think you had one of the better entries, and I ranked you as such. I'm not sure about the other 2 judges, though. 
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Sorry for the essay. 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 59,202
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hugamari
I still stand by my saying I think you had one of the better entries, and I ranked you as such. I'm not sure about the other 2 judges, though. |
Thanks, but I do disagree about me using words with more than two syllables, I find that quite naff tbh.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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Originally posted by GotSkill
The song started off really good. The first few lines drew me instantly. They were perfect and I was ready to give you a 9 or a 10 based off of that.
If you want some advice, look at the first verse and bridge and compare that to the rest of the song. Those were your strengths, so study them.
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Thanks, I'll be sure to do that.
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Originally posted by feelslikeadream
I loved this song. It felt a little strange to be the album opener only because it implies that the whole album will be comprised of love songs. Either way, the pre-chorus slays and the use of ‘platinum’ throughout is perfect for this competition. The only bit I don’t like is the third verse—the rhyme scheme doesn’t match the first two verses and the rhymes feel less natural. I liked the bridge a lot too, though I found “heart’s core” to be a little unnatural.
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I found it hard to write an album opener, especially not knowing what everyone's songs were going to be about (i.e. summer single could be anything, could be love song, or perhaps not, other ballads may or may not be about love) so I figured that route was very general and could apply in a lot of cases. But overall it was a triumph message of escaping that love gone wrong and could also relate to empowerment songs. IDK, it was kind of a messy message I agree. I also wanted to kind of make it the "title track", hence the usage of platinum.
The heart's core lyric was a re-write and something I debated using.
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Originally posted by Hugamari
I wrote a song with the word Platinum in it, too. Girl...the first verse went well until that last line. It seems like you stuck it there to fit the rhyme scheme, and I feel similarly about the second. The first three lines in both are great by themselves, but the 4th ones just drag it down.
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Not you reading me like a magazine.  ( )
Those fourth lines (especially the one in the first verse) were forced af, I know that. I was really debating using them (especially the start one) and rewrote it so many times but I couldn't figure out a way to make it work seamlessly and didn't want to give up on that rhyme scheme since I was happy with the first three lines.
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
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Quote:
Originally posted by JustLuke
See I disagree with that, I think that sounds fine, even in your example and the way I sung it while writing it fits the melody.  |
Just substitute the verb and noun and you'll see it's awk:
"Cook the chicken breasts you've ever bought."
"Sing the songs you've ever wrote."
Does any of that sound natural? Want to have a poll in here?
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 59,202
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Quote:
Originally posted by feelslikeadream
Just substitute the verb and noun and you'll see it's awk:
"Cook the chicken breasts you've ever bought."
"Sing the songs you've ever wrote."
Does any of that sound natural? Want to have a poll in here?
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So if I had taken out ever it would have been fine?
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
Originally posted by feelslikeadream
Just substitute the verb and noun and you'll see it's awk:
"Cook the chicken breasts you've ever bought."
"Sing the songs you've ever wrote."
Does any of that sound natural? Want to have a poll in here?
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I never use 'ever' if '-ve' precedes it, but that's just me. They don't roll off the tongue as seamlessly.
It would sound less awkward without the contraction, I think.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 31,895
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Results so early 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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Quote:
Originally posted by Element
Results so early |
Results haven't been posted yet, only judges comments.
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Not me noticing that I took out some lines and rhyming schemes that the judges' don't particularly like - "doom" and "set me free" etc etc. 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 31,895
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Quote:
Originally posted by Sam Jay
Results haven't been posted yet, only judges comments. |
On the last page, GotSkill said he was calculating averages already!
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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Quote:
Originally posted by Element
Results so early |
Hopefully this means ranking + next round early too
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Not a 3 way tie for 2nd place
I also know the 2 that will be leaving. Ugh, I'm really sad to see anyone go tbh
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Oh I'm not posting results yet. I always like to calculate them as soon as I get everyone's scores because I'm just as nervous to see who's leaving as you all are. I'll probably post results whenever I get back home tomorrow, anywhere from 5-7 my time probably
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 59,202
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Quote:
Originally posted by GotSkill
Not a 3 way tie for 2nd place
I also know the 2 that will be leaving. Ugh, I'm really sad to see anyone go tbh |
Oh it's two people...
Welp.
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
Originally posted by GotSkill
Not a 3 way tie for 2nd place
I also know the 2 that will be leaving. Ugh, I'm really sad to see anyone go tbh |
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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Quote:
Originally posted by GotSkill
Not a 3 way tie for 2nd place
I also know the 2 that will be leaving. Ugh, I'm really sad to see anyone go tbh |
I think BlueM killed it this week... he deserves the #1 after such good averages, too.  That means that we won't be equal anymore though.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 31,895
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Quote:
Originally posted by GotSkill
Oh I'm not posting results yet. I always like to calculate them as soon as I get everyone's scores because I'm just as nervous to see who's leaving as you all are. I'll probably post results whenever I get back home tomorrow, anywhere from 5-7 my time probably
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ohhhhhh gotchu
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