Round 1 - Introductions: Comments
Nait's Comments
VDK
I don't like the idea that we are TXT TLKN throughout this "exchange"; just comes off as childish. I understand where you were trying to go, but it doesn't read correctly.
Onto the lyrics, "who" exactly were you talking to? Because this is what I'm reading: you change up who you are in the song before we even get into the Chorus. I see you made a quotation mark for when you change up from first-person to third-person, but why so early? What it looks like is that you couldn't keep it first-person for more than two lines.
And when going into the chorus, I thought I was reading a whole new song. First part of the song, you're looked down upon, second part is you saying "i don't care what you think", third part, "Hi, how ya doin?"! Wait, WHAT!? Now we're happy? It wasn't two words ago you were telling "an unknown assaulter" "screw you" and now we're "Hi, I'm so-and-so. I wanna hang with you". How did we get there?
There is little-to-no connection in your song. It's four different themes in one song. If you make it past this intro round, work more on connecting your songs together on a central and more assumable theme.
JadGhamloush96
I'm not gonna critique you on the name, but for future reference, make the title as exciting as you want the song to be. You want them to match.
Not many songwriters are direct with how they were brought up, yet still manage to rhyme, and I'm glad you have the necessary skills to do so. I would've liked you to delve deeper into who you are; for me, this feels like the "I just flew into New York and boy are my arms tired" story and not YOUR story. There were times I smiled because I felt this really did come from your backstory, and then there were times I just couldn't understand who you were as a person, or as "the Person". So dig deeper.
Another thing is some parts of the song were stretching into the metaphorical, and I love that the most about this piece. But, what really would've popped to me is if you combined the correct terms and made it wholly connected and topical. You talked about overthrowing villains and regaining your kingdom. Had you changed the word "villains" to "tyrants", that entire verse would've been THE standalone part of the entire song.
The hook is a'ight. I mean, it's not memorable in my eye, but it shouldn't have to be. Even though, from the looks of it with the repetition of "I can be... [insert stoic word here]", you wanted it to be. Not every hook must be catchy, it just needs to be the focal point; otherwise known as the reason I want to keep reading the lyrics or listening to the song.
But, other than that, this was a solid job and I commend you for attempting to tell your story.
Remember
Gotta admire someone who has the entire song mapped out with breakdowns, instrumentals, and tempo changes. At least you know how you want the song to sound.
Unfortunately, what it sounds like is this big made-up story. The point of this challenge was to introduce yourself; showcase who you truly are to the rest of the contestants and ultimately stand out. I mean no offense, but this entire song sounds unbelievable in the strong sense of "I don't believe it".
You had a nice line: "I don't need fifteen minutes of fame because I upgraded to a lifetime". I did like that in the metaphorical sense, but because you made it seem so "factual", it didn't feel like the metaphor I wanted it to be.
I won't deny the entire song is nicely written, aside from the numerous breaks in the words (usually heard better than written). Please refrain from doing that on your future writes, because it looks messy and detracts from reading the song properly. So, when it comes to who you are and who you are really about, no more stories.
e437
You don't know how to feel about this one? I do: extremely depressed and saddened. I was so heart-stricken reading this. There are times when it doesn't take fancy rhymes and easily accessible meanings to understand what the writer is talking about, and I have to say your words reached me.
I will admit that I'm very uncomfortable reading what looks like a suicide note, but aside from how it looks, I love how you're not only introducing yourself, you're opening up about yourself. That's what I want to see in this challenge: someone who's not afraid to admit they have problems or not afraid to feel hurt and write (type) it down (up) on paper (document program).
But, if I had to nitpick, there was something a little off about "waiting for the bad words you've got for me"; it almost doesn't fit because it seems like that wouldn't be enough to cause such a drastic reaction. Also, "the messed one" seems out of place; actually, it feels like it could've been a different word or reason that I'm just not understanding.
However, aside from those minor mistakes, this was an excellent job. That doesn't mean I'll expect a suicide song from you every time, because I'd rather you embrace every emotion you have in your further writings.
seanoh
Okay, let's go there. For an introductory piece, you come off as a little standoffish. I don't think I like the person you portray yourself as in this song, but it's not to say that it's not you. To be honest, I do not know you, so I can't really judge whether you're being purposefully boastful, or you are just playing the part of who you want others to perceive you as.
So, it would be really unfair to judge you as if this was all a facade, because it doesn't seem like you're lying in this piece. Which means, if you actually are a nice person, I don't see it in here which actually makes this a good piece.
I mean, all I picture in my head is this "Queen bitch who reigns over the club and will not be taken lightly". While it's good imagery, it's not good for first impressions. This was a bad first impression, and it makes me feel uncomfortable just reading how pompous and arrogant this (hopefully!) character sounds. I'm assuming you are trying to send a message to the other contestants, but you have to remember that WE, as judges, are the first ones to read it. So take into consideration what you say, because it can be perceived in the incorrect way.
All-in-all, aside from it sounding "rude", I like it. Would I have sent it in for this challenge? Not likely...
EatmeZayn
Can I say you, sir, are brilliant?
I love that you see immortality as easily obtainable, because not a lot of people realize that being immortal can happen in so many ways. I'm assuming from "filling up my cup", "washing [your] mortality away, and "shoot[ing] it up" that you're basically drinking away your life, but for a higher reason. To me, that's a very easy way to obtain immortality by just being remembered, and while I wouldn't condone that, it's beautiful interpreted. Even if that's not what you meant, I like that there is more than one way to look at this. I, especially love the line "You're only as young as your heartbeat". I mean, that's lyrical genius right there.
My only real critique is that I don't know how this is going to perceive to the judges: there is no clear rhyme scheme although it would've been better if there wasn't one in the least, and the flow sometimes doesn't fit, but I can easily look past that if t he words have meaning. I have to commend you for this one. Really amazing job right here.
Erotic
It's painfully clear you missed the entire point of this challenge, because all I see is you calling out somebody and clearly making them the focal point of your lyrics. I don't know who this person (or these people) you are directing all this spite towards is, but they must be on your mind 24/7 to make you forget that this was suppose to be ALL ABOUT YOU!
I mean, I get the sense that you must like "(t)rap" music, but what it really comes off as is that you really like dissing people. Perfect for ATRL, not perfect for "reading lyrics". Sure, you talk about yourself for 15% percent of the time, but that's 85% of me wondering where all this hate is coming from and why you're just putting this person (who I still don't know) on blast like this.
So, I can't really give you a pass for this since you didn't do what was asked of you, at least, in my opinion. This, again, I'll leave for the other judges to let you through or not. Sorry...
Warrior
Well, I like the metaphor... that's it...
The metaphor "[You're] like a song" is very cliché, but can be interpreted in many ways that it doesn't feel like it. How you interpret it at first, "[I'll] never forget you", I like, but "always on beat, never off-key" doesn't translate well to actual personal qualities. The shame of it is that you have this wonderful idea in the chorus, yet this HUGE disconnection with the rest of the song. None of it matches with the hook; work on matching your main topic with everything else as a whole.
There's no real line that pulls me in and wants me to read it again. Flourish what you want to say, don't just ball-face describe to me who you are, do it with pizzazz and make it stand out from the rest.
Midnight
You have a knack for metaphors, but too many can make the whole thing seem muddled and confusing at first. "A square in a sea of circles" and "when reality walks, I dance", those are very stand out and smart lines in this piece. And I like that this whole entire piece feels like a dreamlike state.
Another note: I don't want to assume this, but it feels like you were trying to be overly intelligent. I mean, it's not everyday you hear terms like "pontoon" and "Dime a ray sweeper" (although I think this was suppose to be "dime a day", but...). So, it threw me off-balance at times because they felt like "squares in a sea of circles" (again, very smart).
So, this is great work, but don't overdo everything. Make it so that when someone reads this, they don't feel so...
...
TeamRHI
This just felt like one whole big macramé of clichés and song titles.
When you were repeating "Just in a dream", every other word was a well-known term or song, and it didn't feel original. So, while I won't assume these are nods, you gotta up the ante when it comes to using terms like that; never make it seem obvious.
I liked how you described yourself as "awake in another dream where [you] have it all and [,,,] called the king". It's a believable thought and it does tell me how you can see yourself. But I feel you were looking for rhyming words by the second verse, because how many people use or even know what a fife is. When I read that, it didn't seem to make any sense why it's there or what it's trying to say.
In a nutshell, don't be so obvious and don't try to rhyme EVERYTHING. Sometimes it's good to just stick to what you know and make it read better than it sounds.
Doodledot13
I like someone who's willing to fight for what he wants.
You seem like the kind of person who's not willing to back down, that's good. Very affirmative piece. It's somewhat simple, but I feel it doesn't need to be complicated to be good. I like that it's simple enough for everyone to understand. There's no weird parts, and no weird motions. So, I like it.
However, this whole thing was riddled with grammar issues. I don't know if English is your first language, and I don't want to insult you if it is, but there were more than a few awkward phrases in this piece. Try and work on that.
Other than that, solid job.
Bahjat
Salaam! By the way, easily could've been the name of this piece.
I like that you're the optimist; you want to live your life to the fullest and you want to live your dreams out. But, if we're being honest, it feels very "eh...". Not saying what you want this to mean is not a good message, but it just seems very transparent. I mean, this kind of stuff has been shoved down my throat since I was a kid, so it doesn't feel new to me. And how you interpret it doesn't seem new to me.
I like that you added "salaam" into your song, but it would've been even more helpful if you maybe added another phrase or word in Arabic so that we can understand where you're coming from with that. "Salaam" actually is more common than you think; it's almost as common as hearing "Hola" or "Kon'nichiwa". So, to put the word itself in there, but with less meaning than what it stands for almost seems like a throwout. Like you just wanted it to be there for the sake of it being there...
So, it's a so-so job for me. Maybe expand it a little, make it more reachable and less teachable, and let it just flow from how you feel.
ImARudeBoy
Very, very healthy start. This is a really good piece. I love that you compare yourself to a pawn in the game that is New York City; brilliant writing. I also love that you described the city with minimal imagery and left the focus on you.
It was on the bridge that I felt it waver a little; seemed a bit cliché. But, other than that, I really don't have many things to say except great work and keep it up!
Hustler
Word of the wise: don't admit you didn't do a good enough job or otherwise those who read this will think you didn't do a good enough job.
Onto the lyrics, you're not the only one, but because you admitted to doing it, I have to touch base with it. I don't like the stuttering. I-I-I-I don't like-like it when I h-h-h-h-have to read-d-d-d this and i-i-i-i-it sounds like I-I-I-I have some k-k-k-k-kind of st-st-st-stutter-r-r-r-ring-ing-ing-ing problem... Not to point you out, but it looks and sounds ridiculous.
That said, I don't approve of bettering yourself when all you need to do is come as you are, but the writing's not bad. You're telling your story, you're referencing who you were and who you are now, so all-in-all you meet the criteria. And swear words are not a deterring factor in my book; just as long as you don't use them to make yourself sound "harder" than you really are.
So, it's not a bad piece, but I would've liked it more if you didn't make yourself out to be this "god". And no more st-st-st-stutter-er-er-ering-ing-ing...
Lucky#17
It seemed a little like "Songwriting 101" to me. I remembered when I first started that I tried to rhyme as much as possible, but when I read it back, there was little-to-no sense in the entire piece. I feel like I'm reading something to that effect; no clear reason, words formed together just to rhyme, and a single word that looks cool as a title but doesn't have any meaning to the story.
Speaking of story, where's yours? If I remember, you're suppose to showcase yourself, and unless you're "a spotlight you want to use as a gun"
, I don't see that in here in the least. And your flow, it's all over the place; first you reference "Snow White", then you're flirting with somebody, then you're defending yourself while also threatening to kill them, now all of a sudden they are colorblind. I'm sorry, where are we going with this?
Long story short, there's little logic in this piece and I sense no sense of you anywhere in here.
PhreshDiamond
I can't! I can't! This must be a joke. This must be the joke song you sent in to make us just fall off our chairs laughing, because you cannot be serious with this. I'm literally tearing reading this because it's so damn ridiculous.
I hate to be this rude, but it's like you can't take yourself seriously with this. And if you can't take yourself seriously, why should I take you seriously? I mean, you write like a second grader... TRYING to be cool... but it just comes off as juvenile and pointless.
If you want constructive criticism, (I guess) try not to make up random sentences and piece them together just to make them rhyme. I don't want to read a glue-covered collage, I want to read a viable and understandable piece of writing.
I'm sorry, but this to me is not an acceptable entry. You better hope the other judges see differently.
Disco_Blisters
I didn't know we had a supermodel on ATRL. Wait, why are you on ATRL? Shouldn't you be catwalking in Milan or something?
All jokes aside, why are you portraying this higher being I know you're not? I want to give you so many points for how good the song is written, but I really wanna take away so many points for this whole thing being a "I wanna be..." essay. I mean, are you some kind of drag queen? Do those stilettos you apparently wear hurt when you walk? Or, are you really a supermodel trolling the hell out of everybody on ATRL?
Next time when you write a song about yourself, I want you to do this: let someone you know read this aloud and ask them if he or she believes this to be truthful about you. Because if it doesn't sound truthful to them, it's not going to sound truthful to us. I mean, I can't claim you to be a fraud, but you've gotta admit this is highly irregular for someone introducing themselves on a internet forum.
And, like I said, how it's written, I like. I can hear a campy, house-like beat to this song. But we're not asking you to write hits, yet. Right now, we just wanna know who you really are. Please don't take this in the wrong way when I say, I have no clue who this person is in the song, but I don't believe it's really you.
I also like how you used Salaam in your song (I actually have a friend irl whose last name is Salaam.) In that way, I can appreciate it from both a lyrical point of view and a personal one.
for that part. I can't really critique that line, so...just 
Maybe you're a king who likes city lights, but is a "stranger" there because you are royalty among peasants? 
I don't really get it too much. Like I said, I like both verses, but they don't connect too well imo.
But otherwise, the metaphors were great, the lyrics flowed well, and it was about you. If I had a difinitive check list for the requirements of the challenge, you would've marked all of them.
I know it’s supposed to be BET but it doesn’t make much sense. Try making sure parts that are the same have similar syllable counts for future reference. The lyrics felt really trite, I’d like to see more unique metaphors and ideas next time, if you’re still here. On a side note, you really don’t need to type the lyrics like someone’s singing them 
The song reads like it would be monstrously hook-filled if made into a “real” song.
. I am not thinking about that tho, but I am kinda sad usually so that is why I wrote that.
But now I definitely see how my song can be perceived as messy, thanks for the advice Huga + Adam! 
Still have to read Nait's... Kinda worried