Quote:
Originally posted by Alesus
how is this for a hook? the repetition of the 'see' sound and 'fell' is intentional but let me know if it doesn't work. been playing around with less direct storytelling.
 The Gallows I fell into their trap, lost 'fore I could see
Chased their bait, and fell into the sea
I was hooked, and then strung up high
Any false moves and I die OR My Death, a false move would bring
How could I have seen it coming?
All I wanted was to sing |
I'm going to assume these are two separate ideas, with
" I fell into their trap, lost 'fore I could see
Chased their bait, and fell into the sea
I was hooked, and then strung up high
Any false moves and I die" being one, and
" I fell into their trap, lost 'fore I could see
Chased their bait, and fell into the sea
My Death, a false move would bring
How could I have seen it coming?
All I wanted was to sing" being the other
I am just trying to figure out how it would be sung, and any way I try to read it, it doesn't seem to keep the momentum set at the first lyric. To me, keeping the first 2 lines in tact, the first idea might sound better with something like
"I bit onto their hook, then they strung me high"...then something that rhymes with that. I wanted to suggest something that kept your word choice, but I didn't really know how.
But for the theme itself, keeping a consistent metaphor through the whole hook is a good way to keep it stuck in your head, so that part is good. I also think the use of "see/sea" was good, but idk about fell...it could work, though!
I'd say Sia, Snow Patrol and maybe Avril Lavigne are good representations of it. I used to be a lot more daring with my lyrics than I am now.
