[Dylobs]

Dylobs - The Times
So, I will try not to make any assumptions, but to me, it seemed like this was you trying to write through writer’s block. You can clock me on that if you want, but that’s how it felt. A lot of your rhymes felt too on-the-nose (“door/store”, “seat/cheat”; two examples), and I couldn’t help but think you were trying to tell this story more than have good lyrics, and it ended up coming across as a rhyming diary entry. I do think your idea was an intriguing one (you seem to have good ideas in abundance), but the execution was definitely off this week.

Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow. Speaking of:



This was an idea I'd been holding on to for a while so I'm a bit sad you thought it was the product of writer's block.

BUT i do understand the criticisms and get them (mostly). I was kind of trying for that diary entry story telling vibe but it musn't have come across well. I'd love if you were to PM/wall me details on what you'd improve cause this was the kind of song I'd like to pursue and perfect

thanks anyway; i do genuinely appreciate it

[Hugamari]

Originally posted by Dylobs

Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow. Speaking of:



This was an idea I'd been holding on to for a while so I'm a bit sad you thought it was the product of writer's block.

BUT i do understand the criticisms and get them (mostly). I was kind of trying for that diary entry story telling vibe but it musn't have come across well. I'd love if you were to PM/wall me details on what you'd improve cause this was the kind of song I'd like to pursue and perfect

thanks anyway; i do genuinely appreciate it

Okay, I walled you. Sorry that I didn't get to it sooner. My laptop also started acting up on me in the middle of writing my message, so that had me shook.

[Hugamari]

Originally posted by Hugamari

Hugamari's Comments
Round 4
(not one of y'all got a 10 #spoilers)

funnellegs - Wooden Branches
You had a relatively strong start, but I felt that slip away as I continued going through. I think, for me, the chorus was when it really started going down. I do not get the “soldiers of memory” part, seeing as none of your other lines have anything to do with...soldiers or war. “...they know it all, so here we go” is also a line that just fell completely flat for me. Where are you going? I suppose it’s more along the lines of when you’re getting ready to do something rather than go somewhere, so..what are you doing? I’m guessing remembering something, but that’s hard to tell. I’m only focusing so much on the chorus specifically because I tend to think it’s the most important part of a song, but it felt throwaway here. Something outside of the chorus, though - “beautiful/bountiful” was hard to read. Delete that. I did say you had a strong start, so let me tell you what i did enjoy. All of the first three lines were nice, even if “Dripping in gold” isn’t all that novel. I also liked the falling into the sky part. It doesn’t necessarily make that much sense, but I thought it sounded nice.

Kunst - The Times
Alright, so I’m not going to make a bold claim that all your imagery was nonsense and pretty words. I am, however, going to tell you that I have no idea what you meant by anything in the first verse. Are the “Exploding flowers” symbolic of them growing for spring? It seems like a very...violent way to describe it. Maybe you were going for the juxtaposition with the following “gentle showers”, but I didn’t quite get that. I just ended up more confused than anything. Even if this is your idea with the verse (as in, talking about Spring coming back around), you seem to have lost that idea with the chorus, and it becomes about boys who cry and girls who get high. (I wasn’t a fan of that rhyme, by the way; It almost felt predictable.) I’m also not sure what the second half of your chorus represents at all. It suddenly reads like a self-empowerment anthem? The second verse is better than your first, in my opinion, I could obviously tell the ideas were there (I did like the sunlight spilling onto the streets paved by mistakes idea), the execution seems to be what gets you here, and that’s a common theme in your whole entry. Particularly, where I think your execution let you down is in how you decided to rhyme your words. sweet/streets, sins/skin, and even mistakes/take all were a bit too forced sounding to me, like you were looking for a better word, but stuck with those because they rhymed. What is the significance of “Scarlett letters”? It seems like you had an idea for “Scarlett Bitch”, but abandoned it, and used that line for this song. The bridge is the clunkiest part of your whole song. The rhythm I did pick up was very monotonous to go through, but I get the idea behind it. Then we get to your final chorus, and things are put into perspective. This song is about how society is changing and either those that were were considered taboo before (like women being equal and men being gay) are becoming more accepted, or are simply no longer caring about being accepted and are going to go do what they want regardless. It’s a cool idea, but seeing as the execution was all over the place, and the song could’ve had at least three different themes, the power behind it becomes lost.

Corsola - Wooden Branches
The first verse I really enjoyed that. Maybe because it reminded me of smash hit Yozakura (which should’ve been a title choice for this round!!). At any rate, definitely a career highlight for you so far. Speaking of: “When your flowers grow in spring / When your petals drop in fall” !!!! you DID THAT!! Best couplet in your career as of now Verse two was...not as great as verse one. The switch between winter/summer and sun/moon metaphors felt unneeded. Would’ve been much better to see you stick with one or the other (or possibly just keep the theme set up in verse one for ultra-consistency) It took me awhile to get what you meant by the line at the end of the bridge, but once I did, it really put the whole entry into perspective. At any rate, you still have some things that could be worked on, but comparing this to Round 1, there is a definite growth that I really enjoyed being able to see first hand.

TheCheetahwings - Island
You had a good meter, an interesting topic, and little faults as far as execution of ideas went, but there are a few things that I will comment on. The chance/circumstance couplet was a bit messy, mostly because of “A brand new chance” - that was there to fill meter. The choruses felt a little too plain for me. They could’ve merged with the verses easily...those are the only things I can think specifically to comment on, actually - although the way you ended the song the same way it began, although with a different tone, was a highlight.

Ughgabriel - Siren Song
Did not one person tell you to change “Sweet inferno, you were unkind” to “Sweet inferno, so unkind” so you could fulfill your meter?..or did you not show this to anybody before submitting? (inb4 you had it like that before and someone told you to change it.) At any rate, this was such an obvious change to me that I had to point it out. Speaking of obvious changes, “Ring the alert”??? I know we tell y’all to avoid cliches, but this doesn’t really make sense. Alarm would’ve worked better, and sounds better when followed by “siren song”. OMG and here’s another one. “You gave me time to show the signs”...if you changed “show” to “read”, not only would you have an internal rhyme of me/read, it also goes better with “peace of mind”. LORD there are so many small changes you could’ve made to really elevate the whole thing. Anyway, the reason I am harping on about small things because you did very well, generally. I absolutely adore how the whole song reads, it has such a nice, natural rhythm. You really nailed it there. (The pre chorus could’ve been deleted, but I digress.)

Dylobs - The Times
So, I will try not to make any assumptions, but to me, it seemed like this was you trying to write through writer’s block. You can clock me on that if you want, but that’s how it felt. A lot of your rhymes felt too on-the-nose (“door/store”, “seat/cheat”; two examples), and I couldn’t help but think you were trying to tell this story more than have good lyrics, and it ended up coming across as a rhyming diary entry. I do think your idea was an intriguing one (you seem to have good ideas in abundance), but the execution was definitely off this week.

UFO - House of Cartoons
I’m going to admit it - the line about the sweet nothings made me laugh. “Are you trying to make me fat” I don’t know if this was intentional, but this felt very mxtthew/PC Music, but in an enjoyable way. It made me miss him, actually. I was triggered by your use of triggers, as well as the chorus, where you ended a line on “of”. WHY DID YOU DO THAT. Also, I’m wondering what this song is even about...is it about being a schizophrenic? That’s what it’s giving me tbh. Quite an interesting take on the topic, if so!

Achilles. - Island
So, is this literally about being on an island, far from society, and killing yourself to escape? If so, it’s interesting to take such a literal approach, and if not...I can’t tell what it actually means. I’ll give the benefit of a doubt and say you meant it literally. You had some cute stand-out lines, my favorite being “...there’s only one way this story ends/so what’s the point in adding chapters”, given this would’ve been more effective in a verse all about book metaphors, but it was cute regardless. Something that’s different from your last entries that I noticed is the chorus just didn’t really stand-out, and it nearly played second fiddle to the verses, which isn’t what you want. As i said earlier, you had some cute lines, but as a whole, it didn’t seem as strong to me. I think the challenge may be responsible, though, as you didn’t get to choose your own title

Citrus - The Times
The biggest fault in this song was you having to use the title. I think you’re aware of that. The song itself, in all honesty, has charm, but it felt dragged down by having to shove “The Times” somewhere in it. I liked the changing choruses, it was a nice touch. Something that I didn’t get was how, even though he has Alzheimer’s, it’s shown that he remembers his childhood, in some form. I do not exactly know how Alzheimer's works, but I do know that people can forget people they’ve known all their life, so it doesn’t seem so farfetched to think he would forget what his ambitions as a child were. Ignore that part completely if your character in this song doesn’t actually have Alzheimer's, and is just a wee tad forgetful.

Auburn - Nighthawks
The chorus was fun, even if I am ever so slightly irked by you ending a line with “I”. I imagined this song being in a more pop format, which allowed me to forgive it, though. On that note, this did have a feel of being a song that’s actually able to be sung - at the very least, the chorus feels that way. In that way, your chorus stands out. The verses, on the other hand, didn’t seem to capture my interest. It was typical early game lyricism, thematically. I do suppose it’s nice that the choruses stick out, but making the verses uneventful isn’t the right way to go about it. I do hope to see more like your chorus, though.

Ceremonials - The Times
I do actually like the prospect of connecting your older works into a song, though I would’ve appreciated something like this later on, and you could’ve chose some of your career highlights :’( It makes sense in a chronological order to do it now, though. I know Temporal said this already, but be weary of your topics becoming samey, and it turns into you just trying to rewrite the same song to better results. I would try something a little more...out there in theme next week, should you be here for it. (I can’t see why you wouldn’t be, but I’ve been gagged by this game before.) I can’t tell you much in the way of specifics, except: DO NOT use proper nouns to rhyme. Seldom does it work. Also, her/dirt was there to rhyme, it was a tad obvious.

Jackson - Island
This was fun. Tranquility reminded me of unconditionally, but other than that, it was great. The way you ended your chorus This is definitely an example of a strong chorus that wasn’t only strong due to weak verses. What I would like to see from other people.

Swiftie13 - Heartwater
I think you making your song that short, and your choice of rhymes, were both very daring. I appreciated that about it. I think expanding on the “a lullaby for you” part could’ve done something for the song, but I imagine it would just be “lalala lala” afterwards if it was a real song, and I would’ve just dragged you for doing that, so it’s probably better that you didn’t. I think with your format, though, having it be more simple in language choice would’ve taken it further. It would’ve been a genuine case of authentically minimalist. At any rate, it wasn’t the worst this week.

8thPrince - Thank You. I Love You. Goodbye.
You know what? Despite the fact that I still think the language choice almost takes away from any emotion we’re supposed to be getting from this, I actually quite enjoyed this entry. You had a lot of great lines here, such as: “Like bright fireflies, can I bottle the sky?” and “Even your body language is foreign to me”, I thought those were standouts. Something I can critique you on, though...I am an advocate for making sure your metaphors are thematically consistent, but to me, “...solar figure eights” was an attempt at making it fit that just didn’t need to be there. I did like the general idea of that line, but the “solar” part was not needed. The line would’ve been just as good without it, and I don’t think I would have said anything if you made it like that. This is my favorite entry from you so far this season, though. Great job.

Gone With The Breeze - SaintWest
The very first thing I’m going to mention is the way your song plays out. It has such a nice rhythm to it. I’m also amazed that you kept it up as long as you did, because truthfully, I found it a bit excessive in length. It’s fine if you need it to say everything you had to, though. Although thematically, I found this entry to be typical PH, I did find a standout line in “...and for my past, some gasoline”. I think it was a creative way to get your idea across. Something I didn’t get, however, was “I shone with champagne flames”...what was the significance in this line? Is it about overcoming an alcohol addiction, or did the gasoline suddenly turn into champagne? I suppose it sounds nice, but I do not know what I’m supposed to be connecting it to. Regardless, you had a really nice way with rhythm in this, but I think having something slightly more concise, as well as making sure your imagery is relevant, would really elevate your work. I’m looking forward to your next entry, though.

Jpow - Deer
“deer/fear”? Delete that. Now onto more serious comments, the length is appreciated, although maybe it was a bit too short. I would’ve liked to see more of a story here...I do get why someone would want to go away from the city to be more with nature, but besides for randomly seeing a buck in the woods, why would the person in this entry want to escape to the woods to be like a deer? This isn’t touched much, if at all, and I think this could’ve made for an interesting verse. I also think the idea of escaping with someone and “getting away from the world” is a tad played out, and you didn’t do much to put a different spin on the idea. Also, I don’t think the outro did anything to enhance your song.

Gladion - Double On Tundra
As someone who saw the original Double On Tundra, this one pales in comparison. I wouldn’t mention this in anyone else’s entry, but you chose a title that was originally yours. The first one was so much more...original and inspired, and this one felt like, albeit polished, a more worn down and typical rehash. The chorus was completely uneventful and forgettable. The bridge also had something that could’ve very easily been fixed. You used ‘but’ two times within two lines, and it isn’t a good look. Changing the second ‘but’ to ‘and’ would fix that.

Speezy - Get To Heaven
“I apologize for surrounding myself with twisted beings and malicious things” WOW that’s a mouthful just for one line in a chorus. This is going to bring me to my main point here: the meter is all over the place, if there even is one.Even if the meter wasn’t questionable, the song is also very typical thematically, and I don’t see anything to make it personable to you or unique. I think if the way you presented the idea was a tad more novel, it would’ve took it a long way.

Auroroa - Deer
So, normally I would’ve said something about having the same rhyme for all of a verse being monotonous, but I actually enjoyed that about your verse. You pulled that off nicely. I also really liked how you approached the idea of a “deer”. Something I will say, for criticism’s sake, is that I think ending on “now this deer has died” would’ve been a powerful ending, and the outro wasn’t necessarily needed. I do get that the outro gives us the reason the deer died, but so does the bridge, and it does it less bluntly. It had a nice subtlety to it that was perfect for the song. Anyway, I think you’ll be the first successful comeback of the season, so welcome back.

figured i should bump this to the next page

[Corsola]

At any rate, definitely a career highlight for you so far.

My slayage

[keshaspearsxo]

Ok @ Cupid bring the only judge to listen to me 🐍

[Jackson]

wow @ me leaving Huga speechless

[Corsola]

Originally posted by keshaspearsxo

Ok @ Cupid bring the only judge to listen to me 🐍

As if he's even started anyway

[Jackson]

Originally posted by Hugamari

I never know what to say for Jackson. It's pretty evident this week, too.

but will i finally get a ten?

[Corsola]

Oh also

Speaking of: “When your flowers grow in spring / When your petals drop in fall” !!!! you DID THAT!! Best couplet in your career as of now

Can't say I disagree, I SCALPED myself with this

[Jackson]

Even your body language is foreign to me

woo I'm scalped by this from the review alone

[Hugamari]

Originally posted by Jackson

woo I'm scalped by this from the review alone

Definitely one of the best one-liners of the season. Lemme make sure 8th submits that for the Grammys.

[Hugamari]

Originally posted by keshaspearsxo

Ok @ Cupid bring the only judge to listen to me 🐍

Sorry, I didn't want the girls to have to wait for New ATRL

[Corsola]

The way ''Prime melody of her heartstrings'' will always be my best one-liner even though it's from my first and worst entry

[jpow]

So when will we get reviews from Temporal, Cupid, and Pears?

[Achilles.]

Originally posted by jpow

So when will we get reviews from Temporal, Cupid, and Pears?

When the sun rises in the west and sets in the east. When the seas go dry and mountains blow in the wind like leaves. When your womb quickens again, and you bear a living child. Then our reviews will appear, and not before.

[jpow]

Originally posted by Achilles.

When the sun rises in the west and sets in the east. When the seas go dry and mountains blow in the wind like leaves. When your womb quickens again, and you bear a living child. Then our reviews will appear, and not before.

Thank you Pocahontas

[keshaspearsxo]

No time soon babes. Ha!

[SaintWest]

at me potentially not flopping this week.

[ceremonials]

Ff I didn't know we had to submit for the grammys

[Hugamari]

Originally posted by ceremonials

Ff I didn't know we had to submit for the grammys

We did last season, dunno how they'll work this season, if we're doing them at all.