ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Temporal's Bonus Round Reviews
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1. Corsola - Baddest Christmas Bitch
I mean, it seems like you had fun with this song - after all, it is a bonus round, but it’s clear that rap isn’t your strong suit! There weren’t any punches with this, and the “ho” thing is so overdone in general that including it not once but twice in this song really exposed your shortcomings.
- “Hater” is a noun not an adjective (try “hating”)
- “I'm so mother****ing rare / I’m pretty and cute, I'm glad I'm not you” You randomly changed the rhyme scheme (for lines that weren’t that good or deserving)
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2. Aurora - Alone at Christmastime
Okay, I get the summer imagery because you live in the Southern hemisphere, and it’s a clever addition to the Christmas canon, but why does the artwork have snow in it then?  The winter imagery that you did include also felt conflicted and really made the narrative confusing (mittens, fireplace). You should’ve stuck to one season and accentuated that instead of using any of the traditional northern Christmas imagery.
- The chorus is nice but the “chimney” line was a bit weird (suggestive and non-practical)
- “Mittens/Position” was forced
- “All I want for Christmas / Something that I’ve never known” You could’ve thrown in an “is” before “something”, it wouldn’t have wrecked the meter and I think it flows better
- The eggnog line was awkward as well
Still, this was decent.
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3. Citrus - Another New Year’s Eve
Henny this was a Christmas round, not a New Year’s Round. You don’t even mention Christmas once! Pears’ PM of the entries is literally titled “Christmas”. On top of that, the song itself was mostly banal; there wasn’t a lot of or enough enthralling imagery - the most we got was snow, and even then you had to mention it twice - and the narrative felt a bit cliché. Overall, this fell flat; it was just okay.
- “Photo/Metro” was forced
- The first chorus fell flat, it was a too banal/straightforward.
- The second verses flow was really lopsided, each line kept getting shorter, and “The new year would bring / I saw a ring.” was oddly structured and jumpy.
- The bridge was cute
- I liked the ending of the finale chorus
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4. MattyTacos - First Snowflake
This entire song was so confusing. I don’t have the slightest idea of what’s going on. The development was really poorly done, and none of the images work together. Boys standing in the hall, your father’s coat, white faces at the starting line, voices in your head; it’s just all way too much.
- “Hall/All” was forced, and “He says, “then why did I come here?” implies that you told him something beforehand since the “then” is indicating a response, but as far as the reader knows, you haven’t said anything to him. Is he responding to your “mind” changing? What was mind changing from and to? Is he reading your mind? “Like watching the snowflakes disappear” what is this simile referring to? Your mind changing? This entire section is overwhelmingly vague.
- “Now, child, when are you going to realize?” is this referring to the boy in the hall or the narrator?
- “When will you work up the courage to try?” try what?
- The entire third verse is so jarring, what does your father’s coat have to do with falling in love and flowers growing?
- I don’t get the snowflakes metaphor with falling in love.
- “ when will I realize / That the boy I fell for wants to be mine” from this it sounds like you HAVE realized that?
Your tone and style were nice, but the lyrics themselves seemingly had no substance.
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5. Cupcake13 - Ho Ho Ho
This wasn’t bad, but it definitely started stronger than it ended; it fell apart more as it went on. We should mix this was Christmas Cheer though for that Rap/Sung Holiday collab tho 
- “Caress your beard, bite your ear like Tyson” bitch 
- “Cl!t/Kings” didn’t rhyme, or at least punch as hard as the rhymes in the previous stanza. It also broke the flow of that verse.
- “Bought an ugly sweater so you could c*m on it” this was too direct I suppose? It didn’t punch or make as much sense as the other lyrics. Idk how to explain.
- “Rudolph getting cold, his nose is burning” this feels shoehorned in. It doesn’t have any sexual undertones like the rest of the song.
- The third and fourth verse’s flow are hard to grasp.
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6. funnel legs - I Won’t Let It Ride
This suffered from too many simple rhymes and clichés, which really bogged down the emotion you were trying to communicate. This really needed more elaborate imagery besides lights, fires and your heart. It just didn’t capture my attention.
- “You're the hands that have carried me, / put me through life, and saw me across the sea.” “Sent” would work better than “saw” IMO
- “Easy/Say” don’t rhyme
- “I'm not afraid, I'll be brave, I won't lose it / this faith in myself feels like I'm on fire,” the chorus would be stronger without this IMO. It’s too fluffy and the line preceding this already communicates the exact same feeling.
- “Apart/Heart” was bleh. It’s a rhyme that every writer has had to use, but the second line in the couplet feels obligated to fill the rhyme more so than be a part of the lyrics if that makes sense. If not, it was just really forced, and I can tell you had to write the second line around the rhyme.
- The fifth stanza had really weird rhymes and structuring, and was very clunky.
- You used “apart/heart” again and it was even worse with the cliché “yet we're worlds apart”
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