ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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batch two.
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ceremonials & ughgabriel -
I really enjoyed the imagery and story of this entry. I think the theme is really interesting, and you tied the whole song together well with similar descriptions. My only complaint is maybe the length, I think if you're going to have bulky verses it's best to have shorter choruses and vice versa. Maybe having a pre-chorus makes it feel to bulky, but I do like the pre-chorus as a stand-alone. Also the outro being like 3 verses, kinda messy. There were a few words I was iffy about, consecrate, for example. But overall I think you handled a difficult story, rather beautifully and emotionally.
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Auburn & Dylobs -
I really enjoyed the first verse, I think you managed to create the tension/suspense in a very subtle manner. The chorus however, "Where you sit and watch and see" really triggered me. Why did you need to say watch AND see, when they're essentially the same thing? You just made the line really long and clunky for no reason. Besides that one line, I really did enjoy the rest of the song [if we delete the outro and pretend it doesn't exist]. You could have worked in more of the relationship metaphor because it felt a little random when you mention 'girls of your past'. But if I take the song on face value about the spider and the fly, it works so well.
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Moonchild & Aurora -
Is this about hansel and gretel (sp?) Because I don't know the significance of gumdrops and it threw me off? I get the gingerbread house and oven reference though. Verse 1 was long but then the rest of the verses were short, it just felt like this song was too short, like it had just got going before being snatched away? I'll be honest, I probably only liked the first verse here, this just really wasn't my style/cup of tea.
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minho & 8thPrince -
I'll be honest, I have no idea what this song is about. I liked the intro and I loved the bridge. But everything else sort of blended together. Chorus 2 was okay too. There was some nice description/imagery, but I didn't really get excited by this song.
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Jackson & Citrus -
It's always risky when you separate a song into multiple voices, there's a risk of one being overpowering or the song not flowing with too many different styles involved. But this is a risk that paid off. Both voices blended together well and complimented each other, rather than battled against each other. I think I prefer the Father verses if i'm honest. There were two iffy bits in the Mothers part, the line about guilt finding a simpler home felt clunky and picking up the bits felt a bit blunt. But other than that, I think you managed to tastefully tell a touching story here.
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swiftie13 & Achilles. -
A very sad story here, I love the whole under the same moon thing, like really love it. I somehow feel like you could have done more with this though, dare I say the rhymes/flow felt a little basic. I feel like verse one/the bridge were the best parts and the rest sort of hanged off that. Maybe if it was longer like the final chorus? Simplicity aside, this was tastefully and beautifully conveyed though, your styles really blend well together.
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conatus & Gladion -
As much as I detest Christmas music (that isn't Wrapped In Sales or Kylie Legendmas), I actually really liked this entry. Giving it a mistress/heartbreaker twist was nice and made it feel less cheesy. The flow is great, the rhymes are nice, i'm kinda pleasantly shocked how well your styles meshed?
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