Hugamari's Batch 1 Comments
[heed the disclaimer]
Swiftie13 – A Sunflower’s Dance
[DISCLAIMER: You are free to take what you want from this/completely ignore whatever I say.] I will start with what I thought were positives about your entry. You have some powerful single lines – stand-outs include:
Quote:
”An alchemist, she planted gold
Out of what seemed nothing
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Quote:
”Her tired eyes poured out rain
Nurturing the garden”
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Quote:
”A garden grown with sacrifices
That weren’t yet obvious to me”
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Lines like these give off a powerful message without being too blunt nor too cryptic. I also enjoyed your consistent use of a garden/sunflower imagery and how it compares to raising a child, and I can’t say anything was there for the sake of keeping up this image. You had a reason for what you said.
However, I think your biggest downfall here will be awkward phrasing. I will take the first line that I said was powerful as my example. “Out of what seemed nothing” was jarring to read. “What seemed like nothing”, or “What seemed to be nothing”, something along those lines would have made for a less jarring read. You could claim that this was to fulfill a meter (and I know you said not to clock you on it), but I couldn’t really feel one in here. I didn’t get an obvious pattern to attach myself to as I was going along, which is important. You could even take just the stand-out lines I pointed out above and see that they don’t follow an obvious pattern.
There are other examples within the song, but I think I made my point. You could ask for me to expand if you really want to, though.
I will say that this was a pleasant start to my season as a judge, so thank you for not sending something God-awful.
Saintwest – Bulletproof
[DISCLAIMER: You are free to take what you want from this/completely ignore whatever I say.] Right off the bat, I must give you some good ol’ advice from a veteran player and judge: Avoid the words “scars” and “pain” – it’s at the point where it’s cliché just to use them, and they don’t give off the emotion you think they do. Now, let’s focus on the song itself. What you have here is…Round 1 Material! This is round 1, obviously, so I cannot fault you on that front, but I will hope you learn from the first few rounds so you can later avoid this type of writing. You have a song about…being hurt? We don’t know who hurt you, or why it is you’re hurt, but you are, and somehow, we’re supposed to resonate with that. We need a
reason as to why you are hurt. Also, you don’t really have any central idea to balance your idea around. You talk about “makeup” in like…2 lines? This is fine, I suppose, but it would be a lot stronger if, for instance, you made your song about how you live life like you’re a jester – you put on a face for everyone, and people think you’re happy and everything is fine, but once you take off the makeup, you’re sad, scared, alone, etc. This is JUST an example of course, and I’m not saying I want your next song to be about jesters, but my point is that having a central idea to build your metaphors, imagery, etc around will elevate your writing!
I’ve spent a lot of my critique telling you what you did wrong, but it’s not all bad! I think you had some moments that a personality broke through the clichéd. For instance:
Quote:
I pick myself up
Fix my smeared makeup
Pretend I'm wide-awake
Oh look, I lied again
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This, to me, really broke up what was otherwise a run-of-the-mill entry. It had a bit of a tongue-in-cheek flavor that I really liked. It showed a bit of cynicism, even, which gave the slightest bit of life to the character that is in this song.
In short, I want you to try to take a single metaphor or idea, and build around it, and I’d also like to see just a bit more of the personality that you showed here. If you want me to go into more detail, feel free to ask!
Jackson – Welcome to Hugamari’s World
[DISCLAIMER: You are free to take what you want from this/completely ignore whatever I say.] Okay, you don’t need me to stroke your ego because I’m positive you know you did a great job with this. If I really had to go through and pick something to critique, your use of long words doesn’t resonate well with Country listeners. They’re simple folk! No, but seriously, I did find the use of long words a bit off-putting, even if you did manage to make them work. Speaking of, using “mama” in an otherwise very eloquently stated set of lyrics felt…too casual. This, however, is like me going to your house to tell you your grass is too green, just looking for something to complain over.
Tylverbv – Back Above
[DISCLAIMER: You are free to take what you want from this/completely ignore whatever I say.] This read like a nursery rhyme. However, if you don’t know what type of person I am, I’ll tell you know – I mean that as a compliment. It flows SO well and it has a whimsical way of going about it, kind of like waves. I also appreciated that you had an idea for this song and WENT for it. It’s pretty…in a dark way. My favorite!
Let me get to the problems I had with this now. You used some very familiar ideas, particularly familiar to Platinum Hit. “Drowning” is basically a meme. I don’t see that one line that just floors me or makes me react. Water imagery isn’t exactly a novel concept, either. However, this is early days, so just take this with a grain of salt for now, but keep it in mind later.
One last thing I want to mention: MORE of the way you did with that beginning and end. Not to say you should rehash that exact idea, but the way you shifted the tone so flawlessly was a real highlight.
Kunst – Wonder Years
[DISCLAIMER: You are free to take what you want from this/completely ignore whatever I say.] Wow, I also liked Badlands! For real, though, this felt very…inspired...by particular artists. While it’s great that you have those inspirations, I don’t want to see something that I believe could be by those that you took to for inspiration. Use those inspirations and combine them with your own stories and experiences, and it’d make for a much more believable experience.
The good thing about your song is that I have an example for what I liked from your piece and what I didn’t – they’re literally right next to each other.
Quote:
every drunk kiss was such a miss
loving good but loving wrong
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Don’t do this. The kiss/miss part, to me, felt just a bit forced. Loving “good”…good is not a strong descriptor here. It makes the line almost child-like.
Quote:
“we were in hell but it was bliss
dancing and becoming songs”
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This was a highlight! Particularly, the “dancing and becoming songs”, because that’s a powerful image right there. I would like more of that from you, and it definitely shows you’re a capable writer.
Moonchild – Candyman
[DISCLAIMER: You are free to take what you want from this/completely ignore whatever I say.] I could have done without the shoe-horned name-brand candy references. I suppose it’s clever? However, any highlight that was in this song came from the lines without those references. For instance, the first and last lines of Verse 2 were great because of the repeating consonant sounds and because they work as metaphors more than shoe-horned references.
Also, it was a bit of a risk sending a light-hearted, humorous song, but I welcome it – especially since if anyone knows how to give something polished, it’s you. It’s important that you don’t sacrifice technique in a comedy song, which I feel a lot of people seem to do. I wouldn’t worry this round! (Inb4 this is the longest song you submit this season.)
Glassmouth – Get Into
[DISCLAIMER: You are free to take what you want from this/completely ignore whatever I say.] One thing I would really advise you to do is to get some second opinions from fellow contestants. They may help you with some things you may have overlooked, like grammatical errors. With that out of the way, the best word I can think of to describe this would be “typical”. This idea you set up is a common trope in songs – popular, indie, etc., and I didn’t see anything that put a twist on the idea. The best way I can tell you to put a novel spin on a common idea is to build it around a central idea. You had an idea about heartstrings, for example. Why not make a whole song comparing your heart into an instrument, and how it doesn’t play the same songs it once did, it’s out of tune, broken, etc. It would really make this song stand out more. This is just an example, of course! If you would like for me to go into more detail, just ask.
DevonDreams
[comments deleted bc plagiarism]
Uneek – You Don’t Wanna Save Me
[DISCLAIMER: You are free to take what you want from this/completely ignore whatever I say.] Right away you used a half-rhyme
Made a much more natural-sounding phrase. Then you went and made a major sin – you ended a line with “what”. DON’T DO THAT EVER. The phrasing of “put your hands across her skin” feels awkward. “Run your hands across her skin”, for example, is a more exciting and better-sounding sentence. Also, I see Selena Gomez got to you in one part!
I’m also going to tell you this now…you fell into the worst zone you could have, as far as critiques go. You’re in the middling zone. You did okay enough for me to not drag you for how bad it is, but nothing you have here is worth commending, either. I can only tell you specific things about your song, and that I’d like to see you pull an emotion out of the judges next week. Shock, fear, anger, sadness, happiness, whatever! You’re such a compelling person, too, so it really surprises me to see you in this state.
Musicislife11
[DISCLAIMER: You are free to take what you want from this/completely ignore whatever I say.] What is there to say about this entry…well, it was giving me pop radio. Interchangeable with a plethora of other songs that are the same thematically, lyrically, etc. There was nothing done to make this stand out, and that’s the worst for someone who has to give you criticism. The best thing I can tell you, right now, is to try and invoke a reaction out of someone who may see it. Don’t be afraid to be adventurous, especially for the early rounds! This was very safe and unexceptional, and you need to avoid that to leave an impression. The fact you didn’t even give this a title only adds to the feeling of…existing that this song is doing. I cannot tell you much about your song specifically, except maybe get someone who can proofread it because you had a few typos and grammatical errors. You can reach out to me if you really want more about this song specifically, though.
PhreshDiamond – Apologies To Those Competing
[DISCLAIMER: You are free to take what you want from this/completely ignore whatever I say.] More like apologies to those judging! …I’m kidding, of course. It’s about time someone wrote about how I feel as a judge. “Try something new, it’s not cheating” BITCH TELL ‘EM. Also, I found it really daring to submit what I presume is a rap, but I enjoyed it. I could imagine how it’d go in my head, which is important for any entry, but it’s EXTRA IMPORTANT for rap, because flow is half the writing battle.
I know you didn’t have much time to write this, but if I had to tell you some things I didn’t like – you did have moments where the flow felt off, mostly due to your use of big words. I’d try not to use really big words (bereavement being the biggest offender), but you got a reaction out of me, and that alone is worthy of some points in the early rounds. I enjoyed this.
My life has been made, i'm glad you could see how it might be performed on stage I was worried about that and for understanding thats more rap with attitude (Phresh out the runway style, anyone trying to sing it adele style won't get it to work) and thank you for the pointers!