ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Part of Batch Three
Quote:
1. Dylobs - the Ambitious Rose Petal
LAMBS, stop TRYING to serve MARIAH with your VOCAB  Again, this has been the overarching issue of the round, so to have this committed by someone I’ve harassed about this before is disappointing. Anyways, the entire narration kinda felt like a children’s book? I’m not sure how to describe it, but that was just a bit… weird. I couldn’t read it as a song at all, I had to read it in this baby voice. I could point out specific lines and their issues, but everything really comes back to that narration problem.
- “Caressing the sky and flying to the sun” this was a good line tho
I know I lashedT you a bit, but this wasn’t bad, let’s just try for something different next week.
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4. Gladion - Untitled
I like the concept here tbh. Some of the lyrics here didn’t make sense, and there were definitely struggles with rhyming. You’re still struggling to write around a rhyme and not necessarily within one, if that makes sense.
- “Fable/Available” served “sorry/ferrari” fix it, Jesus
- “Hoping i’ll achieve my fixation “ I know what you meant, but you don’t really “achieve” a “fixation” (that couplet's repetition as also unnecessary IMO)
- “In my dreams you still have the same eyes “ adjegsj what else would they be? 
- “Only in my sleep, is when I can have you / Only in my dreams, is when you’re mine” kinda felt redundant with the preceding lines
- “Your illusion is the best disguise” also redundant
An alright piece, but a good starting place for the season!
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3. OnikaSlays - False Awakening
Like a lot of others, this was cute in terms of emotion, but the delivery was expected and somewhat bland.
- “Breathing in and out, just to find remnants of your skin” this just made me think of you inhaling dust, which is mostly dead skin
- The rhyming in the chorus was way too easy and simple (true for the first verse as well)
- “Desire burning like a wildfire / Intoxicated by your touch” this was p nice
Not a bad song tbh. For next week, try to find a concept or a metaphor to write through, that will be a good step forward.
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Despair
That's what I like to think