1. Vision - Love Traunt
I know you mentioned you had a rough week going back to the hospital and whatnot, so I'll take solace in both of us knowing that this isn't your best work, but you took way too many steps backwards with this. Perfect rhymes almost always come off as forced, and "Fluent/Truant" is the most beautiful example of this: it was terribly, terribly forced. The "fluent" line itself was super corny, and pairing that line with a forced rhyme exacerbated the situation. The rhymes in general were too strict, there needed to be more slant/near rhymes in this, especially because your concept was fairly shallow. Combining a shallow concept with predictable rhymes(Foe/Woe, Heart/Apart, Lust/Trust, Doubt/Out) sunk this piece down. This also needed a second dimension in terms of the concept/story, WHY does the narrator have problems with love, WHERE exactly do they struggle with it (aside from not being able to say "I love you")? I feel like all I know about you/the narrator from this piece is that you can't say "I love you" and that you have green eyes. I needed a lot more from this.
2. Hugamari - The Monster They Made Me
Well. This was interesting! I think you did a really good job portraying the psyche of a sociopath; a number of criminals start off with animal abuse before escalating to human abuse (see Dracula), so I thought that was a really nice play. A few things: the dissecting frogs line doesn't make any practical sense: you say that "you" do it in science class, but that it's also "just for fun"? You're either doing it because you have to, or you WANT to, not one or the other (does that make sense?). You didn't leave much ambiguity as to what was happening in the first and second verses/choruses, but in the final chorus I feel like you should've kept pushing the bill by not just leaving us with "I did something bad." I wanted to know what it was, sort of a morbid curiosity thing that I think this song plays into a lot. I should also applaud you for your rhymes here, they were a really nice mix of slant rhymes and more predictable rhymes that felt natural but not overdone. This was one of your better songs in a while, but I wouldn't stick to the metal shtick for too long!
3. Citrus - Father
I'm at a loss for words honestly… I loved this and my jaw dropped plenty of times, but in the way of feedback… I just don't know I liked that you had a story with this - it pushes it past Cupcakke comparisons in a way - but some of the images and phrases you used were a bit too obscure, for me but I also think for most people in general. With a really vulgar song like this, we shouldn't have to Google some of these things like "Emerald Ash Borer" and glomerulosclerosis when we just want to laugh really. It's like a comedian telling a joke with a punchline nobody understands.
4. Nait Phoenix - Paranoia Nova
Hm. Your concept here honestly went over my head. I interpreted it as someone describing their paranoia, like someone knocking on a door sounding like a rocket, or seeing a red wine soaked shirt as a bloody shirt. I was a bit lost with some the imagery, like when you said "Sirens" I wasn't sure as to whether you meant sirens as in the mermaids or in an alarm, and the "set a supernova off" line came out of nowhere. This really reminded me of your Blue Cassette's sequel with the concept/lyrics being a bit abstract, but not at the same time? I don't know. I liked this purely for the lyrics themselves, but I'm really lost as to what you intended them to mean.
5. CountryBritney - Out of Focus
I wasn't crazy about this, it was far too didactic. I'm trying not to project my own feelings about technology into this piece, but you didn't really sell your position enough for me. This was more of a thesis/argumenet song than anything else, and I think you definitely hammered on what you think about technology in relationships today, but you didn't hammer in why you feel this way, and mainly why you're right and the opposing side is wrong. For example: '"A handwritten note and spoken words / Mean so much more than text on a screen" I get what you think but why do you think that? I needed some evidence or proof because I'm not entirely sold. In that respect it made this lose a broader appeal by trying to appeal to people that already agree with you, as opposed to using this song as an instrument for greater change. I don't think that your concept was a proper use of the medium here.
6. Tylerbv - Retail Therapy
Your tone and demeanor didn't match the concept here, which was a really bland one. You tried to dramatize a non-dramatic and honestly boring subject and it made the whole piece feel forced. No matter how hard I try, I don't think equating a supermarket job with a "second dungeon" is an appropriate metaphor. It's like me dropping a goldfish and using it as a metaphor for suicide. It's just SO extra. I liked your structure and the time repititions (even though I thought they should've been sung and not spoken), but the core of this piece was way off the mark.
7. Achilles. - Full Time Mom
The biggest problem with this was that it was so uneventful. This was similar to Tyler's song in that your concept was really straightforward and common, but this actually needed some dramatizing. To put it bluntly, there was nothing amazing about this. From the concept, to the rhymes, to the structure, everything was far too simple and completely lacking in any risk taking or brilliant moments. You can have understated songs, but even in understated songs there's something brilliant within that. The "my mom is a hero because she's a mom" idea is already a cliché, and I just can't see this song gaining any traction on Country radio or even Pop radio because this is so elementary. I apologize if that's too direct, but after seeing what you've been capable of this season with really unusual and brash concepts and then just writing an uneventful piece like this makes me frustrated. To be clear, I'm not grading you on your past work, but I'll certainly comment on it here. At the very least, I think your simple rhymes matched the simple concept, but I just didn't find enough to redeem from this.
8. Musickid203 - Black and Blue This read like a Round 2 entry
Firstly I'll just say that Love The Way You Lie did this better. Secondly, the flow was completely off and I had to fight to find it. The second verses's syllable counts were 13-11-9-12 and 11-11-9-12, and the chorus was 10-9-8-7. There was far too many internal variations in the flow of this piece for it to work, and made the piece as a whole come off as messy. Thirdly, I get that you were also trying to be poetic with your lyrics such as "Those 3 words are a lie, yet they come from your lips / And sometimes I convince myself that they're true", but those instances fell flat ("thing of liqour" was also NOT poetic at all). I think you needed to use a little bit more imagery. Though the bridge wasn't great, it was definitely the highlight because it some nuances in the language and little sprinkles of imagery. Fourthly, the black and blue concept is just really tired, especially in Platinum Hit. If you're going to write songs like this, you need to bring something new to the table whether with the story, building off of clichés, or using new images and language, but unfortunately, none of that was here, and I feel like I've seen this all before.
9. feelslikeadream - Spaces
This was cute. Not brilliant or excellent, but cute. I think the number of ways you can interpret home is starting to break down though; haven't you already written a song that focused or touched on "home" as an emotional construct before? I wasn't crazy about "bed from the bedroom door", super nitpicky, but having "bed" in that sentence twice made my skin crawl a biT. "And you made space in your closet to hang my clothes" really jumped out from the rest of the bridge; the other lines were talking about travelling and being with one another, but that line was about... your closet? It didn't fit in with the lines around it. I also wanted to rearrange some of the lines like "In all the spaces we filled with love." That line for example was a tad sappy and overdone; I was looking for a little more nuance. Per usual, there weren't any glaring errors, so you're more in an independent study situation to me.
10. TheCheetahWings - Dead by Dawn
Nice job, one your stronger entries in a while. I think this was a problem last week, but the last two lines of the stanzas in this often felt disconnected and dangling from the rest of the lyrics. The first stanza of the second verse is probably the most prolififc example of this, with the last two lines coming seemingly out of nowhere from the rest. The rhyme scheme was what played into this, I had trouble finding it in some cases. I couldn't tell if you were trying to rhyme "sky" with "fire" or "insincerity", or if that verse was just supposed to be ~~edgy~~ as ABCDE. I liked the contrast between the fire and the ocean, but the only way I can imagine someone "writing your name in the ocean" is by peeing and that's not cute!
11. Moonchild - Our Love's a Game
I think you've really hammered in your own unique style. I loved the images, metaphors and ideas you brought into this, and how you fully executed the "billiards" idea for a relationship. The cigar line for example was a nice use of billiards room imagery, one that I wouldn't have considered since a billiard's room doesn't strike me as a scene for imagery. Nitpicky moments: the rope and noose line broke the flirty and dirty style of the piece, while "We played the game from the start" felt somewhat redundnat since you play every game from the start with only occasional exception, and the first couplet of the second verse also felt a bit different from the rest of your piece. This was an excellent piece all around regardless.
12. Dylobs - No Spice No Rice
"When I dip into the dating pools / Of those who I seek interest in / I'm always very suspicious / Of who they chlorinate within"
This concept was sincere and vulnerable, but the way you went about handling this was very conflicting. Some of these lines read almost comedically because of their bluntness and then some lines seem to shift to genuine emotional discourse? The style needed to be nuanced and delicate enought to handle this subject, but it was far too direct in too many places. Show me, don't tell me.
2. Hugamari - The Monster They Made Me
Well. This was interesting! I think you did a really good job portraying the psyche of a sociopath; a number of criminals start off with animal abuse before escalating to human abuse (see Dracula), so I thought that was a really nice play.
Yeah, I'm really glad you picked up on that! A whole verse about torturing animals when my focus was more on being a serial killer of humans could be seen as...useless, I suppose, but it's something I felt needed to be said.
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A few things: the dissecting frogs line doesn't make any practical sense: you say that "you" do it in science class, but that it's also "just for fun"?
That was my way of hinting at the age of the person in the verse. That's something you would do around middle school. However, changing it to something like "I find it to be fun", or something more along those lines, would be a better way of stating it, so I can see your point with that.
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You didn't leave much ambiguity as to what was happening in the first and second verses/choruses, but in the final chorus I feel like you should've kept pushing the bill by not just leaving us with "I did something bad." I wanted to know what it was, sort of a morbid curiosity thing that I think this song plays into a lot.
I've been told a lot that I'm too blunt when it comes to these things in songs. For example, when I made a song about someone killing themselves, I made sure to directly state that, and I got called out for it. I figured that would be the case this time, but maybe not? I really wasn't sure how to say he killed himself at the end without...you know...saying it. I kept it simple because otherwise I felt like it'd be too blunt.
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I should also applaud you for your rhymes here, they were a really nice mix of slant rhymes and more predictable rhymes that felt natural but not overdone.
Finally nothing about my rhyme scheme.
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This was one of your better songs in a while, but I wouldn't stick to the metal shtick for too long!
This is most definitely a one-off, believe me! I had fun writing this song, really, but it's not my style. I would really like to go back to where this season began, and have a slice-of-life type of song...it just never really came around in the challenges until this time, but I figured the judges made this challenge just so we could write a good song that didn't have to fit a challenge, and they weren't looking for a song we'd typically write in PH, so...that's where this came from.
Thank you for your positive review, by the way. Piece by piece your restored my faith that a judge could be kind.
I really wasn't sure how to say he killed himself at the end without...you know...saying it. I kept it simple because otherwise I felt like it'd be too blunt.
I did get that he killed himself at the end, but did he harm other people in the final chorus, like shoot up a school or whatever?
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Piece by piece your restored my faith that a judge could be kind
I did get that he killed himself at the end, but did he harm other people in the final chorus, like shoot up a school or whatever?
My score average was lower than Jackson's though
Yeah, that's what happened ddd. In my head, it was more like on the streets randomly. I figured the bridge set that up, but I can also see how it could be seen as too vague. A big problem I know I have is not being able to utilize context clues to put someone in a place. If I want someone to be somewhere, I just say they're there. It's a skill I could work on for sure.
I liked that you had a story with this - it pushes it past Cupcakke comparisons in a way - but some of the images and phrases you used were a bit too obscure, for me but I also think for most people in general. With a really vulgar song like this, we shouldn't have to Google some of these things like "Emerald Ash Borer" and glomerulosclerosis when we just want to laugh really. It's like a comedian telling a joke with a punchline nobody understands.
oh well I guess I need to work on being vulnerable
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