ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Batch Two
Quote:
8. feelslikeadream - DNA
Family
9. Achilles. - Scapegoat
Responsibility
"Now I'm reaping what I've sown" I read that as "raping"  This was one of your better entries in a while  I liked that you didn't use the title in your song, since "Scapegoat" is kinda hard to fit into a lyric. There were a few clunky moments in this: "You did nothing wrong / But I threw you to the dogs" the dog lyric was a bit campy though relevant, "But if I could I'd take it back / Cause the world would be better" the 2nd line was a bit redundant since you would essentially only take something back for the greater good, and the rhyming throughout was easy, but I think it worked since the flow was so tight and you wrote this like an actual song. Since you're sticking to this straightforward style, I'm going to look for more originality rather in your lyrics themselves or in your concepts, since your concept was limited this week. Rise lotus, rise!
10. Musickid203 - Cheap Thrills
Sanctuary
"Just one thing makes my mind race full throttle / And that's a life-changing pill bottle", "Such cheap thrills / From these pills" honey noooooooooooooo. SO. FORCED  "Amiss / Bliss", "Quilt / Silk" and "Pills / Chill" were also comparable levels of egregious. The song as a whole felt like couplets stitched together, the verses didn't work in larger units, whether as a stanza or an entire verse. There wasn't much of a story here either, and I didn't get to know you much better. What are you hiding from? What are the pills even for? This entry was missing too many basic elements to work effectively.
11. Tylerbv - 17
Identity
The pre-chorus here is high-key the best thing you've ever written, and this entry overall is the best piece you've written  My overall issue with this is that the imagery wasn't consistent. There're angels and devils, tightropes and tunnels, and wagons and blades. It was a bit of sensory overload. I think that if this was a bit shorter, it would've been more manageable. I liked this quite a lot, we just need to scale back on the scope of this from now on.
12. Dylobs - Natural Disaster
Betrayal
The song was good, but this was definitely not a self-portrait song. You can write using a metaphor, but the whole point of this challenge was to get a deeper insight into who you are as a person, and that was completely drowned out by the imagery here. What was your love interest's literal betrayal? I have no idea what he did because everything was far too metaphorical and distant. There were some pretty bad rhymes in this too: "Future / Torture" and "Rattle / Battle" being the most prolific. I just don't think that this was the right challenge for this piece.
13. TheCheetahWings - Wasteland
Anger
Pretty much the same thing as Dylobs, WHY were you angry? You just hit the ground running with the "I"m mad!" mood and don't stop to explain yourself. As for technical elements, there were some shakey rhymes - "Eyes / Compromise" especially since you said "choice or compromise", if you would've taken out "choice" it wouldn't have been so obvious that you were trying to fill the rhyme - and tense issues. You move from the past to present in the verse and chorus, and then back to the past while seemingly advancing the plot in the second verse and chorus; it was just really wonky. I thought you did a very nice job with the wasteland concept, however, describing it both in terms of its location (the "land") and what it is (the "waste").
14. Moonchild - Story
Upbringing
Okay, I know I've pointed this about before, but the length is too short. There's no length requirement for entries, but songs can be too long and too short for their requirements, and here, I think you needed more development and especially a climax. The second verse did climax a bit, but just going from one step (the first verse) to the second step (the second verse) held this back from reaching a higher level. This stayed at a decent level, but the storytelling aspect really needed more room to breath. There were definitely nice moments in this - I liked that your language reflected your topic with "good ol' Southern charm" - and I think you choose a nice topic to hit on, but more is more in this case!
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The rhyme was obviously future/torture 
That's what I meant!
I'm just bored and like making a big deal out of nothing 
I also just wanted to post as many Justin pics as possible because he's legit gross and you have no taste <4
Thanks 