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I loved this. It was sharp, clever, and I totally see it working for the challenge. The pre-choruses are possibly the best thing you've written this entire season ("red dress holding you," "black tiles grounding me," etc... genius). Although at first I didn't get what was going on in the second verse with the words in parenthesis, I became okay with it the second time around. This song embodies nostalgia without being obnoxious about it.
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Thank you so much for the positive review! Definitely need the confidence boost!
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This was a definite step up from your past entries. Your language was still fairly base-level (red dress/green eyes) but I finally got a glimpse into your songwriting world and felt genuine emotion from you. The parenthetical rhymes in the second verse appeared forced and I didn’t like the “molding your grin” metaphor. I’m not really sure what the white walls/black tile line was there for, as the setting is never really delved into much, although I did like the flow of that verse and the “grounded” reference to your original song.
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Thank you for noticing my improvement!
If I can, I will say the second verse would've originally been without the parentheses and each word would've been placed where they correctly belong according to English syntax, but I like to make sure the rhythm isn't off and without it, the flow woulf've been all off.
I didn't mean for the color-coded lyrics to come off as "base-level" or needless; I really wanted to incorporate the color idea more than just a "blue song," which is why the metaphor of a song building these white walls and black tiles, enveloping it in a red dress with green eyes was what I originally wanted to convey clearly. I understand if it didn't come off like that, but I really appreciate the feedback!
