Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9 - Page 524

Hugamari

Quote:

Originally posted by ughgabriel

So a couple of hours ago I was at a coffee shop drinking, well, a coffee. And this random guy came to me and asked if he could made a phone call with my phone, so I said yes, then he started calling a lot of people from another state/city, and his conversation was really strange. The thing is he tried to kidnap me, but I took my phone and ran as fast as I could. I'm really frightened cause his friends have my phone number now. I blocked them all but still, I can't be calm. It was horrible.

Okay, is there some Platinum curse or something? Every season, crazy **** happens to contestants. Regardless, it's good that you got away (and with your phone no less!), but even I'm here worried for you. Have you considered changing your phone number or even getting a new phone?

Also, I'm in bed right now, typing this from my tablet, but I wanted to say good night and good luck everybody on results!

UFO

ok so imma try to make my song more succinct next week, let's hope it pays off

Citrus

Is it result day

swiftie13

OH my God Gabriel, stay safe

Cupid

Quote:

Originally posted by jpow

:ludicolo:

make it happen @vision

Lol! We already threw that one in the trash.

swiftie13

Quote:

Originally posted by Citrus

Is it result day

Every Sunday night henny

When will any other platinum host employ such beautiful consistency

MattyTacos

Quote:

Originally posted by ughgabriel

So a couple of hours ago I was at a coffee shop drinking, well, a coffee. And this random guy came to me and asked if he could made a phone call with my phone, so I said yes, then he started calling a lot of people from another state/city, and his conversation was really strange. The thing is he tried to kidnap me, but I took my phone and ran as fast as I could. I'm really frightened cause his friends have my phone number now. I blocked them all but still, I can't be calm. It was horrible.

Omg what??? I'm so glad you're safe omg

ceremonials

Quote:

Originally posted by CountryBritney

I really hope you're alright. Thankfully you're safe, but if you want to talk or anything just PM me. You must be really shaken up.

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Anyway, thank you 8th. My best review from you I think? Really appreciate the feedback

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I think I'm ready to share my song. My boyfriend and I have had a really tough week, we went through a miscarriage. We were unsure whether or not we would have kept the baby in the first place, but after losing her/him, we both know that we couldn't have realistically terminated the pregnancy to begin with. I was unable to focus on anything other than my baby this week, and wanting to write something for him/her, I decided to make my fairy theme into a lullaby. I know the judges have called me out on the 'fairy in the sky' line multiple times now, and I did almost change that line but John (my boyfriend) and I, have always called each other Peter and Wendy, so fairies have always meant a lot to us. Hence why I couldn't change it. Still really struggling, heck I keep waking up crying, and just spend all day under the duvet and John keeps tearing up at random points of the day but this morning I actually caught myself singing while I was washing up and I know I'm getting there. I never realized quite how traumatic losing a baby was until now. It really rips you apart but it's happened, and I've got to learn to accept that somehow.

Lullaby

Wow, that gives this song a lot more meaning. Very touching. Hope things get better

8thPrince

Batch 2

Quote:

Musickid –

I enjoyed that you committed yourself to your theme. At times, the variety of fire metaphors came off as haphazard, with the stake line and burned bridges being the most strange, but none of them are too out of place. Particularly good is the reference to an ash tray and cigarettes, with “Old habits you never let go of” in the next line.

I have to give you grief for the bridge, however. “Crumb” doesn’t match the stressing of the previous line, is a bad rhyme, and is absolutely not the word you were looking for. You could’ve gone further with the fire theme here and said something like “cinders” instead.

In general, while I think the actual plot of the song isn’t that memorable, you did dress it up nicely, and pushed yourself with the challenge. It’s a bit superficial, but a good superficial: for your next songs, I want you to cook up a more original concept, yet execute it as well as you did here.

HausofNiko –

Aw, I was hoping for a concept piece about doppelgangers in the Artic.

I do get the “ice is isolation” metaphor, but I felt like the ice references aren’t developed in a new way, as if I’ve heard them before. “Stone cold” and “icy blue” would be two examples of those. Most strange is that your chorus, which should be the main “statement” of your song, is lacking ice imagery entirely, when it should have had the strongest motif.

Overall, I think this piece is uneven. It’s supposed to be about ice and a guarded protagonist, but the narrator never feels standoffish, and immediately begins defrosting once their romantic interest shows up. It’s not a particularly believable shift, and it takes away from your ice theme.

For you next songs, remember that the most satisfying thing for an audience to watch is to see a character change in increments: that would’ve made your song more gripping, and more applicable to the Ice type.

Jpow –

I personally liked the metaphor of the ocean’s overwhelming force and pressure being akin to the weight of depression. Your character is literally crushed by “blue”. That was an interesting twist on the concept of the Water type, but it wasn’t the principal focus of your piece, despite it being the most interesting premise. It fades away after the first verse, and that’s a bit of a bummer.

After reading your song, it’s comes off as too simple in description. This person is at the bottom of the sea: I don’t want to just hear “I can’t breathe” or “I can’t see”, I want to read lines like “the dark waters set my lungs on fire” and “my eyes are burned by the ocean’s salt”. The ocean has been well-explored as a concept in Platinum Hit, and this isn’t nearly as explorative as them. The most intriguing image you conjure is that of Matsya, but it isn’t developed at all behind one line: you’re asking a literal god to come and bring you salvation, but the most divine feat you ask him to do is to protect you? This isn’t the level of writing you needed to be at this week.

Next week, I want you to paint a very vivid scene, as you missed your opportunity with this.

Cheetah –

Wow, amazing formatting.

This has the same problem I’ve been clamping down on for many entries this week, where the song takes only one aspect of their theme and applies it to one part of the song, whereas I’m looking for pieces that embody the theme in full. The concept, diction, imagery, voice, and atmosphere should all feel like the Steel type. Here I only see that your word choice was influenced by the type, with a few examples metal-related imagery scattered throughout. It would’ve made your entry stand out had you chosen a mood and voice for the piece befitting for the Steel type. The challenge-related aspects of the piece feel incidental. I feel like this is a song you would’ve written back in Round 1. That’s not what I’m looking for. I want to see new sides of contestants each week.

As a more specific critique, the central saying in this piece that appears in the prechorus doesn’t entirely click with me. It’s fairly esoteric. The main danger of inventing a phrase in a song is that it has to make sense while still being a surprising observation, or the understanding of the piece falls apart. It serves as an impediment to the enjoyment of the piece for anyone who doesn’t understand it. The “gold” rhyme scheme you use really, really doesn’t work for me with how painfully labored it sounds, and it seems you even sensed that yourself, as you begin repeating rhymes before the song is over. It’s not the level of quality we’ve gotten out of you thus far, although the meter is still very nice.

Just to recap, I want you to really buy into these challenges from now on, and try to show us a different side of your writing next week.

Ughgabriel –

An example of a piece that buys into communicating their type through the whole package. It’s about vampires, how is that not awesome? Especially love the lines like “ruby flecks” as a metaphor for bite marks, and “onyx dove”. Just very fine all around, and nice reference to the Gen III games!

Advice: just bring more of this next week!

Buyonce –

This is the first song this week where I feel that the structure of the piece communicates the typing just as well as the words that make the song. Everything is very terse and brief, just as the instant nature of electrical currents. I totally understand that your character thought they saw sparks fly, but everything changed in a flash, simply from seeing how the words are organized. It’s brilliant.

This is what I was hoping would be accomplished this week. What this perhaps lacks in the tone an Electric type might have, it more than makes up for with how it communicates itself via structure. I’d ask all contestants to consider line length and structure as another means of communication, and not simply a template or mold they’re confined to. I ask you to keep up the level of work you’ve demonstrated this week and last.

Lucky –

I like your choice of amnesia for a concept, though I wish you would’ve layered on the suspense of whether Edison would remember his sister a bit thicker. Perhaps another interesting twist would be that you remove the intro and actually introduce the sister as a stranger to both the audience and Edison, making us feel the same confusion as him. Arriving at the conclusion that she’s his sister at the end would’ve been a much more satisfying finish, I feel. Always been on the lookout for unique opportunities in narrative, as something like that would’ve made for a great storytelling song.

You’ve been doing a good job of showing your diversity as a writer, I’m excited to see what else you pull out, as I know it’ll be different next week. Make sure that your voice is consistent throughout the piece, as the first stanza of the second verse makes use of some odd vernacular out of nowhere (The double negatives and “shook”).

Tylerbv –

This was… surprisingly adorable? It’s admittedly very cheesy and a bit out there with the “foster child equals plot of land” metaphor, but who am I to discourage ridiculous concepts? It actually kind of works with soil being regarded as the nurturer of life, and the somewhat simple view of events matches up with both a child’s perspective AND the Ground type. The voice here is spot on, is what I mean to say. Keep in mind that it’s the perspective and voice this song is sung from that makes the simplicity work: in another context, I imagine this wouldn’t be as intriguing.

Between this week and last, I’m starting to see you really come into your own as a writer. Next week, I want you to try and see how you do employing some more figurative language.

Ceremonials –

In Cheetah’s review, I noted that a danger of creating sayings for your song is that if you fail to make your audience be surprised by it after understanding it, it only becomes an impediment to your readers’ comprehension: that’s not a problem here.

“Some things you love you have to lose/To become your own anchor/You told me to be your anchor/I knew that meant I had to drown” is pretty darn fantastic. It’s easy to understand, yet still clever and a surprising observation that the average person doesn’t think about. I think both of your characters are very interesting: the selfish lover who only wants to take, and the dependent narrator that learns to let go. This is very solid.

The only thing I’d like to point out is that this song probably would’ve worked better as a Rock type entry: there is the change aspect of water clearly going on here, but I feel like the resilience and stability of the Rock type fits the theme more overall. You didn’t lose points for this, but I want you to know your score would’ve been even better had this been a Rock type entry, as I feel like the added layer of juxtaposition a rock in the sea brings is more interesting.

Moonchild –

The cynical tone of the piece makes me feel as if it could’ve fit on “White Light from the Mouth of Infinity”, which means that it’s pretty cool, in my opinion. This is easily my favorite entry of yours, this season. I like the succinctness, and even with the brevity, it doesn’t fail to deliver on startling visuals, such as “clawing through marble skin”. In fact, I feel this could be even shorter: the omission of the outro would only serve to make the piece better, as I feel it’s easily the weakest part.

Zeroing in on the “…And I Must Scream”-ness of immobilization was a cool twist on the Rock type, and I would’ve liked to see the tone and themes used in the chorus be applied to the first verse, which is a bit more typical than the rest of the song.

This was a nice change of pace for you, this week. I hope you consider experimenting more with conciseness in the upcoming weeks.

Ausdaniel –

Quote:

Sorry to disappoint.

Thanks for the apology.

Element –

While referring to narcotics as poison is an obvious connection by now, I feel like you were on the right track with the chorus. A vivid description of the physical effects on your body, rather than the mental ones, is just what this piece should have aimed for. I would’ve been really interested to see a song equating the path of these agents to the effects of venom.

I feel like this would make for a decent start, but it still needs further polishing. Digging deeper into the apathetic nature of the narrator would’ve been great, as you could’ve reflected this listlessness in his manner of speaking and tone of voice. A distinct element such as that would’ve taken your song over the edge from being decent to being great. I hope you try your hand at building distinct characters for each of your songs, rather than trying to write them all from the same viewpoint.

Ventitonic –

I’m not entirely sure this commits to the Poison type at a significant level. There’s a one-time metaphor between the narrator and snake, but it’s a pretty shaky connection. Yes, there’s the drop of the word venomous, but as I’ve been saying before, I wanted songs that completely immersed themselves in the theme.

There is some shaky meter and weird details, such as the knife line and especially the AA reference, which doesn’t work as a simile at all. I’m sure the other judges will point that out, but I think the biggest problem with your piece is the protagonist.

I don’t like him. Maybe we’re meant to hate him, but that’s not what I mean. I want to say that he’s not a very good main character. We’re meant to like him with how smooth and how much of a playboy he is, but he honestly comes off as a huge dork. He’s not nearly as cool as he needs to be to pull off this kind of song, and that is a major problem that can hurt you beyond this week. Your characters need to be sympathetic in some way, either where we would like to know them, want to be them, or want to see awfulness befall them. Here, your character is pretty two-dimensional. I want you to work more on characterization, and making them less hollow.

Urban –

Thanks for trusting us enough to share something personal to you.

This does read as a last-minute entry. The meter is pretty irregular, and not at the level of consistency we’re looking for.

In regards to the challenge, it’s a bit one-note with the repetition of “fight, fight, fight…” with no variation on the theme. It rings hollow after so many empty utterances.

I’m more interested in hearing about what fears your character was facing, and what the mother did, but we don’t get answers. It doesn’t have to be what really happened, but there should be some kind of answer for questions raised in songs like this. Remember to answer questions you raise yourself in your songs.

Dylobs –

Some others might complain about the slightly antiquated language, but I think it works for a piece directly calling back to Poe.

I like your twist on the story, making it a psychological metaphor. It’s interesting, and the feelings of paranoia play into the Dark type well. It simultaneously reads as a good story, poem, and song.

Though consistent in language for the most part, the first stanza is much too obvious for this sort of thriller: not only are mentions to a bedroom and “sexual tomb” not fitting at all, they also distort the tone of the piece. In fact, I think this would have benefited from ambiguity about whether the dead body is a real person or not. Don’t pass up opportunities to build suspense.

Temporal

I was confused when you said that you and your boyfriend went through something tough in your PM; the way your song read I thought your boyfriend died since I forgot you were a girl

Besides that, your song is very touching!

And Gabe, I'm glad you're safe

Did he try to grab you or something?

And @Citrus yas

Element

Quote:

Ausdaniel –

Quote:
Sorry to disappoint.

Thanks for the apology.

Element

Thank you to all of the judges for their comments! I have a lot to reflect on and work on moving forward.

Tylerbv

Aw I like 8th's review

I think I got 2 pretty positive reviews and 2 that were.. not so positive.
I still want to make a judge's top 10 at some point before I get eliminated

8thPrince

Hints!

Dylobs Absol
Niko Cloyster
Buyonce Electivire
Tylerbv Golem
Urban Hitmontop
musickid Infernape
Cheeatahwings Jirachi
Ceremonials Kingler
jpow Kyogre
Lucky Mespirit
Ventitonic Qwilfish
ausdaniel Shelgon
Element Toxicroak
ughgabriel Tyranitar
Moonchild Tyrantrum

ceremonials

Thanks 8th!

ceremonials

Quote:

Originally posted by Tylerbv

Aw I like 8th's review

I think I got 2 pretty positive reviews and 2 that were.. not so positive.
I still want to make a judge's top 10 at some point before I get eliminated

I thought you already did? Anyway I'm pretty sure you were in swifties this round

CountryBritney

Quote:

Originally posted by ceremonials

Wow, that gives this song a lot more meaning. Very touching. Hope things get better

Thank you

Quote:

Originally posted by Temporal

I was confused when you said that you and your boyfriend went through something tough in your PM; the way your song read I thought your boyfriend died since I forgot you were a girl

Besides that, your song is very touching!

I always forget there are women on this site. I still only know like two others?

Thank you though

Temporal

Results at 2PM EST? That sound good?

Tylerbv

Quote:

Originally posted by ceremonials

I thought you already did? Anyway I'm pretty sure you were in swifties this round

Not yet!
Was I? I didn't understand his hints

--

Why do I have to be Golem? He's so ugly

CountryBritney

Quote:

Originally posted by Temporal

Results at 2PM EST? That sound good?

So just under 2 hours?