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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Batch 2
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16. Achilles. - Star of the Show
Label songs structures pls. "He crosses the room like a storm/And leaves us breathless in his wake" YAS bitch! This was good, there really weren't any major glaring issues. That being said, my biggest issue was that conceptually, I think this was a 50/50 duet. In execution, however, this duet relied more on the male than the female; her voice feels a bit drowned out, which does play into the subject matter, but I feel like this almost would've been more effective as just a male solo song instead. "Runaway/face" was a really weird rhyme because of the stressing, and it was unfortunate that it was one of the first rhymes too. "Pity those who fall victim to his charm" was a really abrupt line, I couldn't tell if you omitted an "I" (as in "I pity those...") or if the singers suddenly shifted to directly addressing the audience (as in "YOU should pity those..."). In the latter case, that would've been really weird, almost like breaking the 4th wall, but regardless I didn't like that line for lack of a better explanation. The "of course" in the 2nd stanza felt forced as well. Nonetheless, I really like that you're writing these highly conceptual pieces, which is something I'm probably looking for the most in the contestants.
17. Jaxswim & CountryBritney - Sin
This was a sufficient entry for me. The rhyme scheme was really confusing, I couldn't tell where you were trying to rhyme and where you weren't, and that was a huge detractor for me. I also think that the two singers should've sung together as one before the final chorus, or at least have had the chorus repeat again. It was a bit weird for a song about two lovers in the same bed to not have that level of communication until the end of the song I suppose (but that's more of a suggestion than a critique). "It's killing me endlessly" was a really awkward line, and the meaning even got a bit muddy. Though "Feelings are too strong for words to convey," was a simple but really powerful line, the rest of the song lacked those brilliant moments. From the subject to the execution to the word choice, it all felt a bit familiar.
18. UFO - Subconscious Being
he communication was great and the concept was definitely original. This was an excellent use of the duet format; you didn't just fulfill the challenge but you exceeded it. However, concept exceeded execution: the metaphors/similies here were a bit scattered, "like fire in a cage" didn't feel appropriate because when is fire ever caged? Fire and cages just don't seem related. Freedom doesn't multiply into fields, either, even in a figurative sense that was a bit of a reach. The imagery was all over the place as well, "stars" were way overused throughout this piece, the "universe" metaphor felt stretched (not to belittle anyone, but I don't think one person coming out as transgender qualifies as "opening up the universe"), while the river/bridge metaphor was overdone. So much of this piece felt forced, but you did have good moments, and you nailed the challenge nicely. T
19. Element & ausdaniel - Brownstone Tears
I ended up reading this entry last because I had the entries stored all over the ****ing place, but this was a great palette cleanser. It was really refreshing, a smooth, relaxing read metrically and lyrically (though the subject matter obviously wasn't "smooth")! I really only had issues with some of the rhymes and words. Chest/mess was a shakey rhyme while heartbreak/shake was really forced, the "castle of love" was an odd image especially since you never came back to it and the rest of the entry lacked those grandiose ideas, and the "doorway" needed "where" after it, especially since the lines after it included it. There could've been a little more metaphor and imagery in this piece overall as well. Still, great job.
20. jpow - Intoxicated
With the tense that you were using in the first verse, I don't think "When walking up to the dance floor" was the right way to lead into the rest. Maybe 8th or Swiftie could break that down with participles and imperfect tenses and whatnot, but this just didn't sound right. "Creating a tonic, gin and juice" was a really (sorry) bad refrain for the chorus, even with the punch of "intoxicated with you." The bridge was honestly disastrous: "All I wish would to be alone with you"? giiiiiirl. "The lady in front when I thought it was us two" was a "what the ****" moment for me, especially with that egregiously misconstrued line before it. I had no idea what you were talking about, and the last two lines playing off of the first two didn't help either. The outro was a really nice moment, though.
21. Witch_Privilege - Bleeding Hearts
"How do save us now" giiiiirl. NOT a typo like that in the chorus  Anyways, this was WAY too direct and bland. I don't know if you took the "dialogue" concept that I mentioned too literally, but this lacked nuance, ideas, metaphors, all of that. It was more like reading a Sparknote of a song than a song itself (specifically in the verses). The bridge was definitely a highlight, but really only because it was more "songy-y" than "talky." "Cost" in the bridge needed to be followed by another noun.
22. ughgabriel - The Last Of Us
Making "again" stressed so that it's "uh-gain" is easily my biggest rhyme pet peeve, even above "mystery" as "miss-tore-e". Never again. Overall you submitted a sufficient, good entry; the flow was really nice. The concept was a bit bland, but I thought your execution at least was more original. However, I think your biggest problem right now is choosing prose for its sound over its practicality and meaning. "Doubt fulfills my veins / Cause I don't want to lose you", what? The first line doesn't make sense within its context and/or in general, and the second line doesn't justify the first either. Just listing off some critiques now, I think the chorus was actually weaker than the pre-chorus; I would've shifted the two. I read the pre-chorus as the chorus of the song in my head and it worked better. I didn't like the use of "lose you" twice in the chorus - especially rhyming it with itself, and there were bland lyrics as well: "It hurt me when I found out you lied" and "Did I deserve to be treated this way?" You were in a rush this week weren't you? Either way, this wasn't a bad entry.
23. Ceremonials & Buyonce1814 - Unholy Night
This was a good piece that was really weighed down by impractically long lines and word choices. For example, "Your blood drips profusely where my claw marks have been drawn" is way too Shakespearean for a song. It's not a bad line by itself, but in a song, it's far too wordy. Both of you should try to cut down on the length of your lines. Grammar/mechanic checks: "Your bite had broken skin, I felt it pour out like wine." The "it" in this case would refer to the bite, but you went back a line to grab the "blood," so that was weird. It also should've been "poisonous" or "poisoned" not just "poison" (ex. it's a "poisonous snake," not a "poison snake"). The concept got a bit confusing with all the different animals, especially in the bridge. I love the style and the flow from both of you, but you're biting off more than you can chew.
24. feelslikeadream & HausOfNiko - Distant
Slay that Piece by Piece promo! This was a beautiful entry. The second stanza of the first verse was ***Flawless, and there were a plethora of great moments throughout. The simplicity or your style(s) just really works. However, this didn't function that well as a duet; the two voices blended into one. This really broad talk about their "past love" or whatnot drowned out moments of communication like "If I come back" and "If YOU come back." You could rearrange 90% of this song it would still say the same things if that makes sense. Of course, the mechanics were all perfect, I just had minor issues with individual phrases. Throwing in a month at the end of a line as a rhyme will almost always be forced, so "June/Room" didn't work for me (even though the June line by itself was cute). "Shadow town" was a bit iffy as well, and "When we were good we were the best" fell flat despite its quirky intent. Great job.
25. Citrus - To
"In a sea of awful memories, you’re an island of what I got right." So, when and where I can retrieve my weave after that line? This was great, this served Piece by Piece tea which is always great; snatch that Top 10 viral smash! The last chorus was gorgeous with the small lyric shift and the call and response; even though your prose wasn't that deep and metaphorical, your use of structural elements made your lyrics pop. Your issues were relatively minor, aside from the fact that I didn't get WHY the mother wasn't going to be able to meet her granddaughter. Did she have lung cancer from smoking or something? That wasn't made entirely clear. In regard to the minor issues, the graduation scene was a bit corny and distorted the other simplistic and dramatic scenes in the verses. You also had a tense issue in the 2nd verse: the third line was present tense while the rest was past tense. For formatting, I think you should've broken the lines by commas as well so that they weren't so long in the verses. Still, really well done.
26. Vulnicura - Songs of the Sparrow
Label songs structures pls. You were in a rush this week and you apparently hate this entry so I'll keep it brief. You know this needed more development. This also needed structure, or at least have the components needed to be labeled. I liked the message, but the execution just screamed "thrown together" with the rhymes and disjointed lyrics (specifically in the first and last stanzas). I almost forgot this was supposed to be a duet as well; this was really one-voiced.
27. Ventitonic - Still Shaken
Label song structures pls. Overall this was far too ambiguous, I have no idea what the subject matter was! What was the orange voice struggling with? I wanted something with more depth regardless; in combination with the vagueness and the lack of images and even metaphors and similes, the whole thing fell flat. As a side note, the last line of the first stanza felt tacked on and somewhat random. The word choice was better in that you didn't stuff in unnecessary words, so I think we're making progress, but now is the time for you to start moving towards bigger concepts and ideas; bolder and bigger statements.
28. keshaspearsxo - Pony
Coming for Star Lord's wig I c. Wtf is "moaning like a pony"? I lol'd at the second pre-chorus and bridge, though.
29. Dylobs - Purgatory
This was the same problem Ventitonic had last week: you're masking relatively weak prose with flowery words. The vocabulary feels forced, and often doesn't make practical sense: I don't get how your demeanor could mask the fantasies of someone else like you say in the first stanza, and the jungle/puddle parallel didn't make sense. The whole thing was dense and exhausting, which didn't help convey an emotionally draining topic. Maybe this is a defense mechanism for not wanting to directly express raw emotion, but the language was just too distant here. Aside from the vocabulary issue, I didn't understand if the woman and man were married, or if they were two separate people who had been raped. I thought the use of purgatory and some of the ideas that you presented were interesting, though.
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
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Wait, IDK how you didn't understand the bridge? 
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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Lol I hated my entry too 
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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I'll get 'em next time, maybe.
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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Quote:
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Your issues were relatively minor, aside from the fact that I didn't get WHY the mother wasn't going to be able to meet her granddaughter. Did she have lung cancer from smoking or something? That wasn't made entirely clear.
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Of course I have this whole backstory and what not, but it was difficult for me to decide what to keep in and what not to. Last week, both Jackson and Swiftie said they didn't like how blatantly I laid things out in my song, so I cut the explanation for the mother's illness and just left it at the allusion to cigarettes.
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In regard to the minor issues, the graduation scene was a bit corny and distorted the other simplistic and dramatic scenes in the verses.
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I knew while writing that the graduation scene was hokey AF but I was super attached to it because it's (luckily) one of the only parts of the song I sorta took from my real life. Definitely agree the bridge could've done without it, though.
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 7,250
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Me being mentioned in another person's review whew lord my impact
when will the other gurls
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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I thought I'd never become one of those girls who replies to judge feedback trying to explain themselves. What has this game done to me.
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ventitonic
Me being mentioned in another person's review whew lord my impact
when will the other gurls
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I was mentioned in Jackson's review of Citrus' song.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by jpow
Wait, IDK how you didn't understand the bridge? |
That first line doesn't make sense, and then the "lady" comes out of nowhere, is that the "girl" that the guy came with?
(I'm on mobile and I can't see your song right now but I'm p sure that's what it was)
Quote:
Originally posted by Citrus
Of course I have this whole backstory and what not, but it was difficult for me to decide what to keep in and what not to. Last week, both Jackson and Swiftie said they didn't like how blatantly I laid things out in my song, so I cut the explanation for the mother's illness and just left it at the allusion to cigarettes.
I knew while writing that the graduation scene was hokey AF but I was super attached to it because it's (luckily) one of the only parts of the song I sorta took from my real life. Definitely agree the bridge could've done without it, though.
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Don't worry about me then, if the others got it, it must've just been me. I thought that's what it was, but I wasn't sure.
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Quote:
Originally posted by Citrus
I thought I'd never become one of those girls who replies to judge feedback trying to explain themselves. What has this game done to me.
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I reply to the feedback to let them know I appreciate their effort. It's a good thing.
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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Originally posted by Hugamari
I reply to the feedback to let them know I appreciate their effort. It's a good thing.
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I try to just take it and get better without a reaction. I need everyone to think I'm a cocky cool kid.
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ventitonic
Me being mentioned in another person's review whew lord my impact
when will the other gurls
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Minimalistic talent being mentioned in a maximalistically intricate song review 
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
That first line doesn't make sense, and then the "lady" comes out of nowhere, is that the "girl" that the guy came with?
(I'm on mobile and I can't see your song right now but I'm p sure that's what it was)
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Yes its the girl he came with. The whole idea of the song was for the first voice to be dancing with the second voice and not noticing he was also dancing with a girl at the same time. I mean I know I have issues with my language this song but the bridge was supposed to be when the first voice finally notices the girl there.
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 7,250
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dylobs
Lol just submitted  Literally an awful song through and through but I'll bounce back next week since there better not be any eliminations this week. Eh, at least I know I'll do better than Ventitonic. |
We'll see how far "maximalistically talent" tries to make that last statement true this round
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Member Since: 2/7/2014
Posts: 3,371
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out of curiosity, do songs ever slay all 4 judges? I know my duet made top 10 on Jackson & swiftie's reviews but I guess it didn't connect with Temporal as much.
It's interesting to see what each judge values most and try and fit them all together. I know Jackson loves his flow/meter (which I can relate to), Temporal loves his imagery and hard-hitting lines... still figuring out the other two.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ventitonic
We'll see how far "maximalistically talent" tries to make that last statement true this round
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dylobs
Minimalistic talent being mentioned in a maximalistically intricate song review |
My impact tho, when will venti
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jaxswim
out of curiosity, do songs ever slay all 4 judges? I know my duet made top 10 on Jackson & swiftie's reviews but I guess it didn't connect with Temporal as much.
It's interesting to see what each judge values most and try and fit them all together. I know Jackson loves his flow/meter (which I can relate to), Temporal loves his imagery and hard-hitting lines... still figuring out the other two. |
No, mine and 8ths scores are an exact inverse of each other
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jaxswim
out of curiosity, do songs ever slay all 4 judges? I know my duet made top 10 on Jackson & swiftie's reviews but I guess it didn't connect with Temporal as much.
It's interesting to see what each judge values most and try and fit them all together. I know Jackson loves his flow/meter (which I can relate to), Temporal loves his imagery and hard-hitting lines... still figuring out the other two. |
I sent 8th a stereoscopic photo of my lower colon this round, so we'll see when he finishes his reviews
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jackson
No, mine and 8ths scores are an exact inverse of each other
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So he's not an ass man?
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