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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
Member Since: 8/18/2013
Posts: 12,955
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 15,127
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Let me brace my self for the lashinngs tonight
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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 Batch 3
Quote:
41. Vulnicura - the Vagrant (Outro)
Some of the language here didn't work. "Dull bones" doesn't make sense, "Regal king" was redundant, not sure why you had to include "passive hound," and I wasn't a fan of "cur-sed." In contrast, "flesh jeweled" was nice, as was "The sky littered in ashen tones." You're kinda serving Björk with lines like those! As for the challenge itself, I think you did an okay job with it, but I think you wrote more of a short (a little poem-y) song than an actual outro.
42. Musickid203 - Playboy Paul (Interlude)
I see potential here, you have a semi-poetic lyrical style, but the flow both metrically and conceptually was really scattered. The first stanza was broken into two parts for the meter: the two couplets flowed fine on their own, but together it was really disjointed. Conceptually, that stanza was essentially four lines all on their own, there were too many images and ideas and you didn't stick to one of them long enough for it to work. The style was also a bit dense ("I desire your warmth and all the wild things" and "Your sweet paradise is needed here with me"), which played into the meter being hard to follow. Also, the rhyme scheme shift in the 3rd stanza was really jarring. For next week, shorter lines (and shorter words) would probably work to your advantage.
43. Speezy - You Run, I Run (Intro)
Is English your first language? I thought that the mix of colloquialisms and lack of contractions was really odd. You had no issue using "round and round" (instead of "Around") and "this is what your love do" (instead of "does") yet you also used "I will run far" in the chorus instead of something smoother like "I'll run far." The mix of both of those features made it hard to hear in my head. In addition, this felt disjointed in terms of the story, or the lack thereof. You had the running motif (or image), then a war motif, and then a rain motif, and they didn't work together. Side note, it should be "an" M16 not "a" M16 (it's the vowel SOUND that dictates whether you use "an" or "a" not the spelling, in this case, the sound is "Em"). Finally, this felt more like an interlude than an intro. I liked the structure though and the general idea of this piece, though.
44. Colton Haynes - End of Me (Interlude)
I hate that I've had to say this so many times because I'm definitely the biggest culprit of this on the panel in my own work, but this way too poem-y! The lines overall, especially the first stanza, were WAY too long; I read those sections as a slam poem more than a song. When your lines are too long, it 1) ruins the meter or flow and 2) can be fixed by shifting your style. For example: "I can hear the commotion, but none of the words makes sense" could be broken down like "I hear the commotion, but the words don't make sense." The flow of that is SO much better. The third stanza was pretty bland and corny, but I liked the cadence in the final stanza. This was a solid choice for an interlude as well.
45. Obsession - Act of Contrition (Intro)
When I first read this, I was "meh" on it being a song more so than a prayer, but when I read it again like it was a Madonna song, it worked really well  All the basics were here: the meter/flow here was really strong, the rhyme scheme was solid and you had some really nice rhymes (ex. Absolution/Retribution), and you stuck to your theme throughout. There were a few nitpicky things: I didn't quite get the "husband cheats on wife with a guy" thing since you'd need the gender of the narrator to make that assumption. Otherwise, you'd need something like "omg what will SHE think?" so that we get the contrast with the "He." I think the tense shifted in the first stanza from present to the past as well. Speaking of the first verse, you say "may you never grant me peace," yet you also say "I ready my heart to carry out my penance." Do you want forgiveness, or not? I wish you would've had some super strong lines on their own, that I could point out was "Wow!" moments but there weren't really any. Don't get me wrong, though, overall this was quite strong.
46. C/H/A/N/E/L - Welcome to Darkness (Intro)
I was hoping for "LIFETIME CONSERVATORSHIP (INTRO)"  Where is your rhyme scheme bby? The first stanza was ABCA (kinda), the second was ABCBDB and finally ABCB. You need to pick one, maybe two, and stick to those. Without a solid rhyme scheme, it became really hard to follow your story. At first, this entry is a "game," then it's a train ride, and then it's a "tale"; I would pick to one of these ideas to communicate the "darkness." Meter was messy in the second and third stanzas, but the first was alright. The third stanza was my favorite lyrically, though.
47. lovesong - Through the Maze (Outro)
It's been so long since I've read a lovesmash! Your style is so simplistic yet so nuanced, it's a great mix of understandable and poetic. The basics were here, I don't need to talk about that - except that the multiple rhyme schemes were pushing iT a bit - so I'll just focus on content. The final stanza was everything! The second verse confused me somewhat: are the "men in conversation" who are your "constructed fabrications" the versions of yourself that others have wanted like you mentioned in the first line, or the "they" in the second, or someone entirely different? "Constructed fabrications" was redundant as well. Anyways, this was quite nice, as expected!
48. Lucky#17 - Waiting... (Interlude)
Sex songs are always a bit risky in Platinum Hit, to be honest, but this worked really nicely. It wasn't salacious, it was a nice mixture of spicy and tamed, and there was so much nuance to this piece. There wasn't much of a rhyme scheme, but your meter and the use of internal rhyme made it somewhat easy to overlook it. I think the 2nd stanza was a bit redundant since it's essentially the last two lines of the first stanza again. Nitpicks: the "your" in "your heart beats rapidly" wasn't needed, and I think it would've flowed better without it. "So let's have/this rendezvous" was also a tad bit clunky and didn't quite work the way you wanted it to. Really nice job!
49. Alesus - Weeping Willow (Intro)
You missed the chance for a really interesting play: you had the pills under the pillow when they're usually in your mouth while the gun is under the pillow, yet you put the gun TO your head and not in your mouth. That would've been a really great double play! You and Tylerbv both wrote pretty philosophical entries, and with that came some issues. The first stanza of the second verse felt super forced; the questions you posed and answered really weren't particularly engaging and the use of "weep" was really trite. "I know your leaves will protect me" was a really weird line, since they offer no protection to anyone, emotionally or physically, unless you're an ant. This was a nice entry, but philosophical songwriting is a really hard medium to work in, and you bit off a bit more than you could chew in that regard.
50. Urban - the New-New Me (Intro)
Grammar was your biggest Horcrux here: you don't refer to a person as a "that," especially yourself, it should be "who" in that case. You used the contraction "that's" for "that's as" yet you also used "as pure"; if you cut out the first "as," you should've cut out the second as well (and are stars really "pure" anyways?). I'm sorry, but I read the third and fourth stanzas in a Forrest Gump voice  It might have been that "new-new" was an annoying phrase in itself, but I'm pretty sure "The new-new me" was just digging your grave grammatically so that whatever followed it would sound really weird. It was really hard to overlook the grammatical errors for the actual substance of the work, but the first stanza was nice.
51. Ventitonic - Self-Closure (Outro)
In the judges chat, we've been joking about entries that felt more like AP Lit essays than entries, and unfortunately, this was DEFINITELY one of them. I know you're a lamb, but when Mariah uses unconventional words like "relinquish," the words fit their contexts perfectly. "Exertion with no equilibrium," for example, just didn't work in that way for either "exertion" nor "equilibrium." It was close, but close only counts in horseshoes and nuclear warfare. Similarly, "retrospectively diminishing every effort I made willing" was just a really bizarre, inverted line where it was blatantly apparent that you were forcing language into your piece. The third stanza, however, was a knockout punch lyrically, and the words and flow locked right in place. I know you were somewhat forced into this contest (srry), but this really wasn't bad, and I'm interested in seeing what else you come up with.
52. Element - Limelight (Intro)
Wow, an on-time entry!  Ellie better sue you for "Holding on for my life," though! Anyways, your flow was  It kinda stumbled in line 2, stanza 2, but the first stanza was everything in terms of meter. I'm not sure what the double meaning of "every vibrant thread of green will get me high was"; I assume the first was, you know, marijuana, but that alone doesn't fit with the imagery around it, and I can't think of another interpretation for that line to work (I guess trees would kinda work, but that would be a ****** line if that's the double meaning you were going for ). The third stanza felt a bit corny and throw away, I know there's a running joke that if you throw in any form of imagery into your song I - and possibly the other judges - will go nuts for it, but here it was just really contrived (especially the lyric "here in the springtime"). I liked the idea of limelight, though, and this was a great choice for an intro. Nice job!
53. ""Anonymous"" - Pandorum (Intro)
This was way too short, in terms of lines, but conceptually as well. You essentially drew out "I grew up" in a multi-line poem by repeating the same lines and ideas over and over without any new interpretations. This was just way too cliché.
54. Midnight - Hometown Voices (Intro)
I have no idea what you're talking about. At first, I thought the "you" died in a car crash but the last stanza made me think they're alive? I don't know. There were a few forced rhymes in here: Drones/Phones (especially since I don't know why you chose "drones"), Rome/Foam/Comb was (I'm sorry) absolutely egregious, and Was/Us/Discuss were iffy choices as well. I liked the second verse, but what is the "penalty" you're talking about? I suppose for an intro this worked at attracting my interest, but it's an interest to resolve my confusion more so than to see what happens next.
55. Pecinta Mariah - Song of Soul (Interlude)
The concept far exceeded your execution, unfortunately. "Breathed" in "A song breathed from my heart" was super clunky and a little ugly in this case. The flow there just wasn't good. "Whom do I sing it?" was annoying as well, I know you know that you need a "to" to complete the lyric and that you cut it out to complete the rhyme, but when you choose to be a grammar stickler with "whom," you should've gone the whole nine yards. The "letters" line felt forced as well. Again, very pretty concept, but shotty execution.
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Member Since: 2/4/2014
Posts: 2,059
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come thru with more acclaim please 
edit: acclaim CANCELLED 
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Member Since: 8/18/2013
Posts: 12,955
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"too many images"
girl...
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Alesus
come thru with more acclaim please
edit: acclaim CANCELLED |
Gurl
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 5/28/2011
Posts: 39,615
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The panning
Noir will be interesting
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Member Since: 2/4/2014
Posts: 2,059
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
Gurl
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gurl
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and you bit off a bit more than you could chew in that regard.
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 +let me self-deprecate in peace!
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Member Since: 3/26/2012
Posts: 37,592
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The contestants their revolt!
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Member Since: 2/4/2014
Posts: 2,059
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atleast I got one good review. see y'all next season!
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Alesus
gurl
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let me self-deprecate in peace!
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That was just critique, your score was still cayute 
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Member Since: 9/15/2012
Posts: 22,487
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Hunter stop telling everyone all their rankings and their scores we probably won't even have results for two more days like
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 7,250
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Quote:
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The third stanza, however, was a knockout punch lyrically, and the words and flow locked right in place. I know you were somewhat forced into this contest (srry), but this really wasn't bad, and I'm interested in seeing what else you come up with.
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Thanks dad
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Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
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Quote:
Originally posted by Alesus
atleast I got one good review. see y'all next season!
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my score probz saved you
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 22,001
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My critiques have been mixed so far. The concept of the song is what is saving it which makes me happy. I like the concept and the imagery I used!! I agree my meter was a mess, this is the first time I didn't check for meter since my debut in S7  it makes the song feel less forced and flows better but I risk it with having a messy meter
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tymps.
Hunter stop telling everyone all their rankings and their scores we probably won't even have results for two more days like
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You're kidding rite
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ventitonic
Thanks dad
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This damn gif 
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Member Since: 9/15/2012
Posts: 22,487
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
You're kidding right
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I'm as serious as Metacognition of the Big Toe Aphrodisiac, which according to some judges means I'm serious af soooo
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Member Since: 8/18/2013
Posts: 12,955
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Temp thinks my meter is a mess NOW 
He should've seen it before I asked for feedback 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Formatting 8th's reviews now, it's taking a little while to delete the scores
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