Your first line -"Footsteps echo the pulse between my lungs" - is SO confusing. I read it multiple times and got a different interpretation every time. The "mirage of flowers" bit was also a bit jarring, that's such a specific image and not one I'd expect to be a mirage (if that makes sense).
I did that **** on purpose Intros aren't supposed to be black or white, in my opinion. I see what you mean though. The imagery I choose can be confusing and disjointed.
25. Buyonce1814 - I (Interlude)
This was a biT too long in terms of lines, but most of them were short so I'll let you slide! And yes, interludes and intros are a little more free in terms of structure and poemy-ness, but I think you went a bit too far with it (in the challenge I specifically made sure to say "song"). You said in the thread that if we took this entry "literally" it would just be about lunch in Starbucks, but how the **** am I NOT supposed to interpret "As I lick the sweet and sticky, caramel topped, whipped cream from the plastic black spoon" literally?? Okay, enough lashing, this served Lemonade interludes so hard. The second stanza was wicked, I loved it (even though it was still too poemy)! The subject was a bit too shallow for your style, you wrote a pretty epic entry, and then to have it mixed in with "Starbucks" imagery, it was really jarring and just didn't work. As a poem, I loved this, even though the subject was shallow, but as a song, which I'm grading it as, I have to take points off for not exactly adhering to the challenge.
[/font]
I was purposely trying to go down the poem route for the interlude which may not have been the best idea in hindsight.. Nnnnnnn drag me with the Starbucks thing . I have to admit that whilst I was inspried a little by Lemonade, I didn't mean for it to be that strong. My bad. It seems the second stanza was universally loved so I'll try and keep that up in future. I appreciate your feedback. I'm dusting off the webs so hopeully you'll see me improve over the course of the competition, if I'm not eliminated, that is.
Quote:
Originally posted by Jackson
25. Buyonce1814 – I
I definitely have to appreciate that you went the road less travelled on this. You took big risks in both theme and structure. For me one of them worked and the other didn’t. Your song lacked any sort of flow as there was very little structure. The lack of rhyme scheme alone didn’t bother me, but coupled with the lack of meter and structure made the song more of a poem or speech than anything, and while you can definitely experiment with flow in an interlude it should still resemble a song. The whole first stanza is weak in its imagery as well. It seems so sinister in a different way than the rest of the piece. I enjoyed the sentiments of the next stanza, even if I wish it had been structured better. “I bathed in the Quran/Doused myself in bleach” was a worthwhile risk in my eyes. It was so oddly descriptive that it stuck out without feeling overbearing, yet still carries an incredibly relatable message about someone that loses themselves in a lover. I don’t think a lot of people will really understand the underlying ideas in this song but I enjoyed them. Past that, I found the last lines of the second to last stanza to be a bit abrasive in comparison to the light language used throughout the rest of the song. Still, the flow and structure are definitely something that need to be fixed and that I know you’re capable of improving.
Yas at me having a longer review than most. I have to appreciate your critique as I totally admire you as a songwriter. I totally understand everything you've said and I will hone in on where it went wrong and learn from it. I'm glad you have faith in me to improve. Thanks once again.
Quote:
Originally posted by swiftie13
25. Buyonce1814 - I
Sorry, what? I'll commend you for taking a risk because I know for a fact that you knew this was a mess. You went from licking a spoon in a Disney-like fashion to dousing yourself in bleach. The imagery clashed everywhere, going from casual restaurant, to religious, to well, Beyonce's bathroom rituals. This felt obnoxiously arty but I have to hand it to you, at times you pulled it off really well. I liked the second stanza, especially the line "the smile that enamours your prey into submission," despite this jungle-like description once again clashing with the imagery in the other stanzas. Because each stanza did have its own structure, your song felt patched together. Some lines/word choices that did not work at all: "fasting for a whole month," "Quran," "exterminate," wreak havoc," and "enraptured." Some lines/word choices that held this together: "Of how you want me to be / of who you need me to be." Some parts felt like you stated the obvious like "not realizing that I'm losing myself." I see that All For You reference The hot macchiato was a nice return to the cafe imagery but overall, you should've cleaned this up some more. I do really appreciate the unique style, though. And last season I named a song "i," my impact!
Nnnnnnnn! lksefpihfphrgphg not you dragging Beyonce though . My Artpop has no bounds I guess. Thanks though man, I'll look at where you think I went wrong and improve in future. It seems structure and consistency is something I need to look at and I will focus more on that in Round 2. Slay at you having a song named I. Maybe I'll follow your footsteps .
I think 8th will be the deciding factor between Jake and Huga.l And jpow will be third most likely
If that were the case, I'm just gonna assume Jake wins! I figure the out-there nature of his song would be something 8th would really enjoy, where mine is more straight and narrow.
Intros aren't supposed to be black or white, in my opinion. I see what you mean though. The imagery I choose can be confusing and disjointed.
. I have to admit that whilst I was inspried a little by Lemonade, I didn't mean for it to be that strong. My bad. It seems the second stanza was universally loved so I'll try and keep that up in future. I appreciate your feedback. I'm dusting off the webs so hopeully you'll see me improve over the course of the competition, if I'm not eliminated, that is.
.
I need another A Higher Power