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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 16,101
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
how tf was i "semi-negative"
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It just seemed like one of those, "Aw! You did your best, at least!"
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 35,912
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Member Since: 4/4/2014
Posts: 10,514
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Thank you for your review, Jackson! The song was definitely to a lover. That may have felt so obvious to me that I didn't realize how else it could have been read. The "ands" in the final stanza were meant to build up to the final line. And thank you, I liked those lines, too! 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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Member Since: 9/16/2011
Posts: 50,981
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I feel like so, so many people were dragged for being "too poem-like," but like... Album intros can be spoken. They can be poems. 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Witch_Privilege
A semi-negative review from Clarkson, and a semi-positive from Jackson.
Middle of the pack here I come!
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Quote:
Originally posted by Witch_Privilege
It just seemed like one of those, "Aw! You did your best, at least!"
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Nah. Reviews don't perfectly reflect scores, you'd be in the positive from me on MC 
Quote:
Originally posted by Wonderlust
i demand a refund!
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So do we!
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Achilles.
I feel like so, so many people were dragged for being "too poem-like," but like... Album intros can be spoken. They can be poems. |
But I specifically in the challenge post said "songs." Multiple times.
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Member Since: 3/26/2012
Posts: 37,592
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Quote:
Originally posted by Achilles.
I feel like so, so many people were dragged for being "too poem-like," but like... Album intros can be spoken. They can be poems. |
Mine was almost meant to be spoken. Almost a Lotus tea.
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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BATCH TWØ
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21. OreGuy – Chances
The song started out interesting and definitely grabbed my attention, but the whole time I was waiting for it go somewhere it never did. You never really explained who the three spirits were or what war they were facing. Ultimately it felt like a ton of unrelated imagery that and strong single lines that didn’t relate to much else. The rhyme scheme was also a bit messy, especially at the end of the first stanza and at the end. Next week try to get a better grasp of what you’re trying to say and make your message a little clearer. It seems like you knew exactly what was going on here, but you need to convey that better to the judges.
22. JPOW – Something Wonderful
The flow of your song starts off so perfectly. The internal rhymes and meter you chose along with your flawless stressing make it a really fun song to read. Unfortunately, since your flow was so on point most of the song, whenever it missed the beat or a syllable was added it was glaringly obvious. A few of the rhymes were a little forced as well (“I take flight as the groove is flowing”). Still, this was a delight to read and your use of imagery was perfectly spot on. Poetically this was one of the better entries this round, and I loved the sense of nostalgia I got while reading it.
23. Tylerbv – The Door
This is definitely an interesting concept and a fairly original once, which is hard to come by in the songwriting world. The last verse especially was magical and really thought provoking. There were still a lot of glaring errors, however. The “thunder” line in the first verse atrocious and completely threw off the flow of the song lyrically. I wasn’t a fan of the “wrist” or “slate” lines either. Fortunately the last verse really saved the song and gave it the majority of the score I gave it. Next week really watch out for forced rhymes. Remember every word counts and every line could lose you major points. Focus on your strong concepts and build strong metaphors and images around them.
24. Wild Child – Escaped
I like that you chose to portray your concept in a more abstract way, telling the events of abuse without every explicitly saying what is going on. The execution was still fairly poor, however. “Deranged” is a weak rhyme. The meter in the first verse is out of whack, going 9/10/9/12. The use of multiple adjectives before each noun is excessive as well and comes across as try-hard. I wish you had kept the language a bit more simple and emotive instead of trying to use meaningless descriptive words.
25. Buyonce1814 – I
I definitely have to appreciate that you went the road less travelled on this. You took big risks in both theme and structure. For me one of them worked and the other didn’t. Your song lacked any sort of flow as there was very little structure. The lack of rhyme scheme alone didn’t bother me, but coupled with the lack of meter and structure made the song more of a poem or speech than anything, and while you can definitely experiment with flow in an interlude it should still resemble a song. The whole first stanza is weak in its imagery as well. It seems so sinister in a different way than the rest of the piece. I enjoyed the sentiments of the next stanza, even if I wish it had been structured better. “I bathed in the Quran/Doused myself in bleach” was a worthwhile risk in my eyes. It was so oddly descriptive that it stuck out without feeling overbearing, yet still carries an incredibly relatable message about someone that loses themselves in a lover. I don’t think a lot of people will really understand the underlying ideas in this song but I enjoyed them. Past that, I found the last lines of the second to last stanza to be a bit abrasive in comparison to the light language used throughout the rest of the song. Still, the flow and structure are definitely something that need to be fixed and that I know you’re capable of improving.
26. Ughgabriel – Psychotropic
I almost wish you had left out the first stanza entirely. It’s filled with unnecessary big words and lacks the strong flow the rest of the song possesses. Throughout the song there were a lot of unnecessary descriptive words near the end of each line (delirious/psychotic/narcotic, blinded/green). A few of these words added tastefully in would have been great, but the fact that each line had the same general structure of words took away from the song. Beyond those criticisms, I enjoyed the concept of the song and it was executed fairly well. Make sure you don’t throw in words just to sound smart. You can do so by replacing nouns and verbs with more descriptive and emotive versions of themselves as opposed to simply throwing in adverbs and adjectives. My favorite part was the last line, “I pray you don’t fade away after the break of dawn”. The whole flow of the song leads beautifully to that last line and it feels like an extremely conclusive and satisfying ending.
27. YoungCalifornia – I Knew A Kid
Fortunately for a rap artist, the one thing you have down for the most part is the flow of the song. It wasn’t anything groundbreaking or particularly interesting, but it works for the genre. Your language was also a bit vanilla but worked for the most part apart from the babysitter line, which stuck out because every line around it was so inoffensive and non-threatening. I enjoyed some of your internal rhymes (conflicted/vindictive) and the references to a struggling childhood. I felt as though the revelation at the end of the interlude was kind of expected and not worthy of its placement at such an abrupt end.
28. Ceremonials – Madness Ends
I’m guessing the female in this song is death, and the kiss would be the kiss of death, but overall the song is a bit vague. I do like how each verse was a separate experience, yet they were all tied together well. Although your storytelling element is admirable, a few words you chose made the song seem too “bookish” to me. Phrases like “operating room” are a little too abrasive in a poetic piece like this. There were a few clichés that could have been cut out as well, like “let go of all your fears” (which also had too many syllables, you could have cut out the all) and “on that cold December night”. Make sure to not let your interesting, original concepts get muddled by clichés, poor word choices, and hiccups in meter. Next week I’d like to see you focus more on using original, descriptive language and applying that to your strong storytelling techniques.
29. Petals – Dawn
The biggest problem I have with this is your rhyme scheme seems to narrate your song, almost as if the song progresses only for the purpose of forcing a rhyme on each successive line. A few of the forced rhymes are more apparent (dusk/husk) and some feel simply cliché (near/tear, light/bright). As each line seems to work to fulfill your rhyme scheme you often lose a sense of meter as well. Next week I would focus on making each line count. Know exactly what you want to say before you find the words to say it and your song will feel more natural. Try to count syllables as well to make sure your meter is precise. If you get those two things down try to spice up your language as well, but those should be your focuses first are foremost.
30. Navyofbadgals – Black Sand
This is one of my favorite entries this round. You had a really strong concept, painted a strong image in my mind, had just the right amount of emotion, and had a great structure. I love the way you ended the interlude similarly to how it began. The way you created this landscape to symbolize the wasteland of the human mind is really admirable as well. Make sure you watch for misspellings in your song (creaty) as they seem sloppy to us judges. Although your loose meter works more or less for this challenge, make sure you watch it more closely in the following rounds. Even though your rhyme scheme and meter were fairly weak your chiasmic song structure made it feel complete and together. In the future work a little harder to tighten your meter. I could see you going really far in this competition.
31. SorryImLuke – Refresh
You’ve definitely made a lot of progress since I first saw you write. Your sense of imagery has grown exponentially since season six. Your meter was OK but felt a bit rigid. Especially in an intro/interlude round I would have loved to see you experiment with your structure a bit more. There were still quite a few awkward lines. When you said “hearing a whisper, hello” I couldn’t help but see Adele’s face peeking around a corner . Gasoline isn’t usually a pleasant smell or one I’d associate with rebirth, and although I get where you were coming from with setting fire to cleanse your life it still seemed awkward in this context. Even though you had good imagery throughout, I’d love to see you step up your word choice and make it more vibrant. A lot of the words you chose to describe the setting of the song were fairly basic. “Feeling blessed” was an awkward line as well.
32. Achilles. – Red Carpet Funeral
This is a classic Achilles song, but you still brought something new to the table here. Technically it was proficient, and there were a lot of interesting lines as well. Satire can often come off as cheesy or try-hard, but this was a perfect look into the coverage of deceased celebrities. The way you kept it fairly literal while also relating the events to a red carpet even was quite clever. “This monument is monu-mental” felt redundant and unnecessary to me. Some of the infomercial-ish clichés were executed well enough to merit a spot, and others were a little cringey (plan your deaths today! And “lights camera action” being both a cliché and forced rhyme to season). The spoken bit at the beginning felt unnecessary as well.
33. MattyTacos – The Whole World is Watching Me
This was not one of your best works. A good portion of the rhymes were forced (role/close, disguise/sunrise). After reading your inspiration I was excited for what you had written, but your approach was way too literal. This feels almost as if it’s a musical synopsis of the movie as opposed to a song inspired by it. The emotion here feels generally cheap and uninspired as well. The whole time I was waiting for some kind of twist or surprise ending that never came. Next week work on bringing back some of your best imagery and use emotion from your own life as opposed to siphoning it off a movie.
34. TheCheetahWings – Stagnant
This is an example of a simple, yet powerful entry. “Nightmares are only dreams” is one of the single best lines this round. I love the line “Everything used to make sense” as well. Your use of repetition was both original and striking, in that you made minor changes to almost every repeated line or section to give it new power. Still, I wish you had cut out a verse and chorus to streamline the entry a bit better. “Life isn’t what it seems” is a disposable cliché as well as “I saw that I have no regrets”. You could have tried to express those sentiments in a more original, descriptive way. In addition, I wish you had expanded on why this relationship is so “stagnant”.
35. Jaxswim – Welcome to Me
Reads song. (Laughs) I love your Back to Me tribute! This was actually better than you’re saying it is. The first line (Looks like…) sounds like an iconic introductory line. That entire first stanza is almost flawless until you get to the naivety line. This song is an example of vulgarity done right. It feels sarcastic and spunky. “Daddy’s too tired for me” should be changed to “of me” to fix the flow of the line. The me/glee rhyme was forced (as is the word glee in 99% of songwriting cases). I loved the flow in the last stanza. It was really unique and catchy just to read it.
36. Ausdaniel – Grand Debut
I can tell this was a rushed entry, and there’s quite a few flaws in this song. Even the clichés were misquoted here (third time’s a charm, don’t write me off yet). I found a good portion of the song to amount to nothing more than cliché, and the rest of it was relatively bland and uninspired. You did have a good sense of meter which I commend. Try to avoid using the word “scars” as it almost always comes across as forced. You should have tried to enhance your language by using more descriptive words. I did like the line “a mystic compilation/of strength and tears” and the title.
37. Dylobs – Exorcism
I almost wish “Be brutal if you like” was part of your entry, it would fit the song so well . You used a lot of advanced language here, and for the most part you pulled it off, but you stumbled on your words at times. “Uncoiling” sounds funny among the other, more slick words, and “inwardly” and “cowardly” rhymed awkwardly. You should have expounded further what this “exorcism” entails, as it isn’t mentioned until the end of the song and is very vague. You mention a “purifying remedy” but fail to explain what exactly it is. Still, I loved the last line and appreciated the depth of your entry.
38. Feelslikeadream – W 37th Street
Starting a song on a cliché can often be off-putting, and this was no exception. “I slept a thousand nights/Traveled a thousand miles” read like a line straight out of every power ballad ever. “Searched like a man gone blind” doesn’t make a lot of sense either, as blind men don’t really have much to search with, and when they do don’t usually search very far or very successfully. The structure of the first three stanzas was fairly similar as well, which made the slant rhyme of street and dream read a little harshly in comparison to the perfect flow of the rhymes in the other two verses. I like how you juxtaposed the contrasting ideas of “home” and “alone” at the end, although alone feels like a cheap word in itself. The third and fourth stanzas are the highlight of the song. I enjoyed “But it’s a trick of light, a trick of my mind/A falling back through space and time”. The flow of the italicized verse was also enjoyable, and I like how you didn’t fall victim to a rigid meter.
49. Keshaspearsxo – Companion
The flow of your song was unusually uneasy for you. Worth/unearth, weren’t/learnt, and filter/blur were all forced and awkward rhymes (I can’t tell if the last one was even supposed to be a rhyme). “Part of myself I’ll redeem” is phrased awkwardly as well, as generally it would be “I’ll redeem part of myself”. Your imagery was more murky than usual. The best glimpse I got of your song was the second stanza, especially in the filter/redeem/blur lines. Still, I would have loved to see what you visualize when you “emerge from the blur”, because the best I got was a blur itself. I did enjoy the sentiment of being one’s own companion and the confidence portrayed through your rather simplistic lyrics. In following rounds I’d love to see you return to your vivid imagery and tight structure I know you’re capable of. But even more I’d love to see you try to tackle bigger, more abstract concepts and include more storytelling in your lyrics. If anything I’d say you have a knack for writing the best simplistic, thoughtful songs of the competition, but there’s always room for growth and challenge.
40. Citrus – Toothbrush
I’m glad took advantage of the opportunity to write an interlude, because a song this simple wouldn’t quite cut it in the majority of rounds. You have a really interesting title that drew me into your song before I even started reading. You had really good flow for the first few lines of the song, until the second stanza hits. Since the structure of the first two stanzas appear the same, it struck me a bit when the meters were completely different which made your song a bit clunky. I also didn’t like that you used the word bed twice in such close proximity as end rhyming words. In the second half of the song I found the middle stanza to be unnecessary. It is immediately obvious what the toothbrush signifies, and the fact that you spell it out takes away some of the magic of the sentiment. The ring line was also phrased awkwardly. I wish you had also ended on a stronger line, as holding hands while getting ready for bed doesn’t seem practical or realistic. You could have ended on an emotion or another reference to the toothbrush, as it was only mentioned once in the entire song. I really did enjoy the meaning behind your song, however, and you executed it fairly well. Remember next week to stick to your meter and structure throughout the song and to watch carefully for awkward rhymes.
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 16,101
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
Nah. Reviews don't perfectly reflect scores, you'd be in the positive from me on MC |
Oh yay! It's probably just from my own insecurities from flopping last season. 
I've never really shared my songs with anyone before, so I've never gotten feedback about them.
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
Mess at Huga snatching Jackson and I's brother feels!
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Does the pandering ever end? 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 35,912
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Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
So do we!
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you break it you buy it sorry!
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Member Since: 3/26/2012
Posts: 37,592
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This is definitely an interesting concept and a fairly original once, which is hard to come by in the songwriting world. The last verse especially was magical and really thought provoking.
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The intro of this review is going on my fridge.
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
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as blind men don’t really have much to search with, and when they do don’t usually search very far or very successfully
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That's the point  It took that long to find this ~thing~ cause I was bad at looking for it. Glad you liked my favorite verses tho!
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 15,127
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I think this is the longest Ive ever seen the judges type for early entries   analyze us!
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Member Since: 8/17/2013
Posts: 15,103
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Omg thank you so much Jackson 
And ugh I hate that I wrote Creaty 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 1,742
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There better not be any eliminations this round, I'm not ready to go!
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Member Since: 2/7/2014
Posts: 3,371
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I'm kind of crying @ the universal acclaim on my first stanza. That was the only part I edited from my first draft. Starting to learn a lesson here.
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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Remember next week to stick to your meter
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I'm out of quarters okay
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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I just need to imagery the fúck out of my next song and it will slay 
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