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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 8
Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Quote:
Originally posted by conatus
Yeah, I get what Huga means. I think I definitely overthought the challenge and focused more on keeping the song within the limitations than the content and quality of the song itself. Oh well!
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At least you put effort towards what the challenge was asking for. I feel like some people didn't even do that. 
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 3,834
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Quote:
6. KeshasFansRose – Freedom of Love
You, in this song, had some information in-between commas at the end of the first verse. Grammatically, this is for information that isn't needed in a sentence, and just adds extra information. I'm saying this because you really didn't need what was in-between the commas. I think it would be better, and add more to the contrast, if you were to just omit that. It would be a minor nitpick any other round, but as we're focusing on how you employed your limited amount of words, it was something I felt needed pointed out. Actually, the use of filler words is a recurrent theme in this song, using "all" twice, for example, when it wasn't needed. "But now" is also not needed in the song. Your word choices could been used much more effectively.
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Thank you for this. Although it's very difficult when you're closely following the meter. And the commas I use for pauses when singing it, my bad.
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Quote:
Originally posted by Vulnicura
my varying shade of blue line is a reference to feeling depressed, or 'blue', so with the whole day thing I had in my entry, you just feel a "varying shade of blue". I guess it didn't come across strongly enough.  |
Oh, okay that makes sense! My lack of critical thinking 
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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I really want to know what the 1 score songs were like 
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Do I have to wait another half hour for batch 3 because I could be doing amazing things with this time, like, looking at my big empty room or opening a window
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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I sound really bitter in these comments. Maybe I should tone it DOWN a tad.
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Quote:
Originally posted by keshaspearsxo
Do I have to wait another half hour for batch 3 because I could be doing amazing things with this time, like, looking at my big empty room or opening a window
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Spoilers but you don't want to see my comments. Trust me.
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Member Since: 2/26/2012
Posts: 23,655
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Kworb is slaying 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 22,001
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The marvin comment
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 6,127
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thanks for the detailed comments huga. I'm really curious to see swiftie13!
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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Hugamari's Comments
Batch 2
Quote:
18. ceremonials – Stockholm Syndrome
This is high key reminding me of something and I'm 100% positive it's coincidence too, so it's kinda freaky. Anyways, I absolutely ADORED the first verse, and I can only suggest one thing - "quite awake" sounded like filler, and when I read it to myself, removing quite did not affect how it flowed at all. It's minor, but the name of this challenge was to make every word count, and you didn't really need that. The second verse was good, but some word choices prevented it from being great. The weird "rue" at the end of one line made it sound like you paused mid thought, but that could be how I'm reading it. The chorus might actually be the shakiest part, though, because it followed the same trend as the verses - first part great, second part meh.
19. Speezy – Brighter Side
The beginning was very wordy, and that's not a good way to start a challenge about making your words count. Also, it sounded forced as far as rhymes go, so really that whole part could've been omitted. Same with the beginning of the second verse - although tbh you had another one-liner that I quite enjoyed so it's not all bad.  Beside that, your words didn't feel like they were filler, that just lacked a pull in any way for me. (sidenote: "It feel so good"  )
20. ughgabriel – The Sky
night/light is one of the most oredictable rhymes to begin with, but in the line that ends with "light", it sincerely felt like some words were there to fill a meter. "Wandering round to find the light" still sounded fine, but not as wordy. Using words to fill a meter isn't a good sign in this challenge. Speaking of fulfilling a meter, I mentally took a red pen to that whole prechorus, I eliminated a good 5 or 6 words. I also felt that many words in the song were just there to be there, and there were other awkward word choices.
21. Alesus – All A Lie
Okay, so as catchy as this could potentially be, this would definitely be one of those songs carried by its instrumental and melody. I really liked the way the song read, but specific word choices seemed off. "Like a woman with a child", for example, seemed like a very strange simile to use. There are some words there just to be there - "just" is the most often that word in songs, and it's in yours.
22. Urban_Fan – End Of The Line
Something I really enjoy about your writing is you have a strong grasp of melody - so strong that it's evident just by reading your lyrics with no audio added to them. The pre-chorus is especially infectious! I also felt that very little words were there just to be there, and everything connected well. You did a great job this round well done.
23. TheCheetahwings – Duplicity
Why did you purposely make some of the text black when it's black by default? It makes it hard for me to see these things.  Anyway, solid entry overall - there only minor things I'd fix (one line in the prechorus, and a word choice in the second verse actually) but overall you did what was asked on a sufficient level.
24. Kunst – Fox
Very Lana.  However, as far as fulfilling challenge requirements, you did that fine! Nothing stands out as being out of place or anything, so good job. 
25. DripDrip – Californian Coast
THE*ASTERISKS*OMG* Did you notice them before submitting? Well I'm gonna hope you didn't because otherwise Now, what's interesting about your entry is that I don't think there were words that shouldn't have been here necessarily, it's just that there could've been better words to use; "built of ice", for example, sounds more awkward than "made of ice". I love the theme you had for this song because it's very you, and I enjoy that. 
26. Pencita Mariah – Rays
The title you chose isn't the first thing I would have thought of for a title. But it's your song and nobody can tell you what to call it.  About the song itself, though - it's hard to describe. Although you did repeat a line quite a few times, it's one of the few times that I think it actually added something to the song. It adds a bit of desperation, which is thematically relevant to your song. In the same time, the repetition makes it like you're mentally degenerating or "losing it", but I can only wish the rest of the lyrics had followed that concept. It isn't bad, but I think adding a different idea to it would've pushed it off the edge to amazing!
27. Buyonce1814 – Bitter Pill
This is a topic that I would think was fairly obvious, yet barely anyone in this competition actually wants to tackle it. Maybe they think they couldn't do it justice? Well anyway, you did! I just wanted to tell you that. There's a few very specific things about this song though, such as the prechorus. "I guess", to me, makes this somber topic seem casual, which is not the vibe you want to have. I would say the way you structured your words sometimes felt a bit weird, but imagining an older person say it actually allowed it to make sense. Overall, great job this week!
28. Qatari Monster – Lies
For this challenge, you were supposed to make sure all of your words had a reason to belong in your song. Pointing out adlibs that do very little for your song is counter-productive in that sense. You could have done with a few more slant rhymes as well, to be completely honest. The song is also thematically familiar; you brought nothing to make it your own idea.
29. inuborg – The Needle
The word choice for rhymes was completely unexpected! I really liked that about your song. However, what was disappointing about it was that the chorus was the weakest part of the song. That should never be the case in any song. It's not that they were particularly bad, it's just...there's nothing seperating them from any of the verses. You could make verse 2 the chorus and call your song "The Astronaut" and there wouldn't be any difference. The last line of the bridge also felt clunky. 
30. Dylobs – The Only One
I think it's cute how creatively you danced around the word limit. But other than that, I didn't seem to find something that really captured my interest in the song. I do want to point out, though, in the bridge: "...nothing strong" seems a bit off. I am going to overlook that, though - maybe "...something gone" was almost too easy to use there, and you avoided it for that reason. I personally wouldn't have said anything about it, though!
31. jpow – Prove It
I like how you used your rhymes in the verses! It added to the catchiness. However, I can only wish this song had more personality to it. It felt very familiar in a "this could be anyone" type of way...nothing really distinct to it. A lot of it has to do with the uninteresting chorus. All I can really say is that I wish there was something more to it. 
32. Tiberius – Resolutions
Although slightly annoying, I actually wish you'd kept the structure you established in verse 1 into verse 2, just to keep things consistent. Anyway, although I do get what the song was about, I wish that there was more reason to it. Like yeah, we have to change...why? What will happen if we don't? It leaves a lot of questions, and not in a good way. I also thought the song was just a tad cheesy, but I won't take points off for that or anything.
33. 8thPrince – Champagne On My Parade
I couldn't help but read this as rap, but it added a lot to it in that sense. Anyway, I like how you chose an unusual topic! It's a nice breath of fresh air when every entry seems to have people heartbroken and dying. You're just...lonely and aching! Jokes aside, I think you did a good job on this.
34. keshaspearsxo – Of Dreams
Good.
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hugamari
Spoilers but you don't want to see my comments. Trust me. |
I'll open a window
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 22,001
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MESS @ "Good"
A me telling justluke "cool" wben he was expecting an essay of a critique
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 6,127
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kesha being top 10
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Member Since: 2/26/2012
Posts: 23,655
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Quote:
Originally posted by Girlicious
Well at least I got the longest display of comments.
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Kudos for your positivity sis
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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What you mean I creatively danced around the limit I don't think I did anything extraordinary 
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 17,456
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About the cold blooded line I understand why one could be confused. It was to not only make reference to a snake which is a cold blooded creature but also to foreshadow and make reference to "mercury" the element which is a cold liquid substance when touched.
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 3,834
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Here's my song We R Who We R, Born This Way, if anyone's interested.
 Freedom of Love
FREEDOM OF OUR LOVE:
(Verse 1)
Finding myself, I was the villain
Fighting my heart, that beat through my chest
Tried to show me, the way to heaven
But I went and built up, inside me, a hell
(Chorus)
The freedom of our hearts
Can ignite our lost spark
Crying for our freedom
When we lose all reason
It’s the freedom of our love
Sometimes we fall
Because we follow our heart
Fighting through the seasons
Giving ourselves reason
It’s the freedom of our love
(Verse 2)
Sorry for all the smoke and mirrors
But why can’t I be like all the rest?
The screams are filled with silence
But now I’m gonna fight it, so don’t ever let me fall
(Chorus)
(Bridge)
End of the rope, end of control, oh
We’ll fight for our song
We fall, we stand, stand strong, because
It’s the freedom of love
Of love…
(Chorus)
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