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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 8
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Member Since: 2/26/2012
Posts: 23,655
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I'm sooo ready to get dragged 
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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One of y'all are gonna be so disappointed for waiting.
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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oh no 
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 17,456
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I'm so scared for these results I feel like I flopped now 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 8,324
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Member Since: 1/2/2014
Posts: 2,955
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 14,512
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Perched 
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hugamari
One of y'all are gonna be so disappointed for waiting.
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Negative attention is STILL attention!
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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Hugamari's Comments
Batch 1
Quote:
1. EuphorianSea – No Longer
"Silly" felt like an immature word to use for a serious song. I do like how you wanted the last few syllables to flow like sillhouette, though. Bonus points for not just saying (chorus) in your song to fit the challenge's criteria. With that extra limitation, you really don't have much room for explaining things. My biggest issue is that I feel like I've read it before; it felt a bit uninspired. "Deafened by the crows" is different, however - and I imagine it being symbolic of them being a vulture looming over something dead - in this case, a relationship, so good use of that.
2. Girlicious – Mercury
I'll admit it - I didn't really get it until I read the description. I try to be fair and understand a song before reading the description, but I think I did get more out of your song from reading it. This isn't to say you should rely on descriptions to carry you; this is, after all, a lyric game, and anything you want to say should be able to be conveyed in lyric form without a huge backstory as to what things mean.
With that point, I don't get some of your language choices - the first line for example. I understand that snakes are "cold blooded" creatures, but I don't understand the metal. This would be trivial at best on any other round, but since you have to make every word count on this challenge, some things could honestly be omitted or changed to same effect. Other examples include the use of "just" - the most infamous filler word in all of songwriting, the last line of the first verse (you could remove "can" and it's, imho, MORE powerful that way, although the whole line is a bit cliched.)
3. Nait Phoenix – The Other Side (Tokyo)
On a challenge where the aim is to make sure every word counts, I do not thinking randomly adding "Tokyo" before a breakdown was a good choice of word space. In all honesty, the Japanese intro could be omitted, too - even though it's something unique that the other contestants hadn't done. I do think your song is really catchy and fun-sounding - what you set out to do for this season of PH - but I do not include any audio attached to entries as part of my criteria for judging, as its not fair to those who have no means to do so. I can honestly say the rhythm is on point, but you had a lot of room for making your word choices more effective.
4. Gavin. – Praying For Love
Is this about giving a blowjob?  If not, I really don't know what this song is about. It could be either about being a hopeless romantic, or about having religion forced upon you, but it's more confusing than open-ended to me. The use of "just" pained me, seeing as that's a songwriter's favorite filler word. Filler words on this challenge are not a good idea.
5. Popsicle – Trick R Treat
The whole prechorus felt unneccessary, which isn't good for this challenge. The unneeded use of "just" isn't pretty, either. However, you did a fairly good job of dancing around the limitations bar those things. Thematically, you presented a familiar idea in an unusual way, and I can definitely appreciate that. The chorus seems like it'd be pretty catchy and fun to dance to (idk if that was your intention, though.)
6. KeshasFansRose – Freedom of Love
You, in this song, had some information in-between commas at the end of the first verse. Grammatically, this is for information that isn't needed in a sentence, and just adds extra information. I'm saying this because you really didn't need what was in-between the commas. I think it would be better, and add more to the contrast, if you were to just omit that. It would be a minor nitpick any other round, but as we're focusing on how you employed your limited amount of words, it was something I felt needed pointed out. Actually, the use of filler words is a recurrent theme in this song, using "all" twice, for example, when it wasn't needed. "But now" is also not needed in the song. Your word choices could been used much more effectively.
7. swiftie13 – Mother
Topically, I can say with 100% confidence that I've never seen a song like yours in all my seasons of Platinum Hit. A pioneer if I do say so myself. You told a story, a thought-provoking one at that, with the limit that was set upon you, and that was exactly what the challenge was about. Kudos to you!
8. conatus – Swim Back
I understand that the challenge was limiting, but making the chorus entirely uninteresting wasn't the best approach to getting around the word limit. I also saw some words that I'd consider filler - for example: "raise my voice just like a horn". You would've been fine without it. "I'm not giving up my hope" as well. It's not even as if you were struggling for words, either - you have among the shortest entires this week, being under 100 words. The first verse was a highlight, though. I could only hope a whole song was like that.
9. JustLuke – Touch Us Now
I'm not one to make a deal out of lyrics not being full of meaning and soul or whatever, but what's important about sending a song like this is that you can really utilize things such as rhythm and word play to make a really good, catchy song. I just didn't feel that it was the case here. I can say it read like something I would've heard on the radio back in 2010, but I don't know how much of a positive thing that is. A lot of the rhymes were predictable, and there wasn't really anything new brought to the tried and true party song staple. I do think you could've approached this challenge in a much better way.
10. Jaxswim – Youth
Surprising that not many people choose to write about a topic like this, as it's a pretty obvious one I would think. That's a good thing for you, though - I like how you chose something different! What confuses me, though, is the repetition. Not like the chorus or anything, that's in every song; particular lines, such as at the end of the chorus, are what's getting me. You're right on the limit, so I do think a few small edits would've gave you same elbow room. But as I said, love the song topically and the imagery was clear without trying too hard for it.
11. Vulnicura – Not The Same
What gets me is some of your word choices - a varying shade of blue, for example. I'm trying to pinpoint the relevance it has, but I can't really come up with anything. To me, it felt like it's purpose was more to keep up a rhyme scheme, which is also something I saw in the bridge. While it definitely makes sense, "tether" felt just a bit unusual. I did enjoy the "clouds/weathered" lines, so that's a plus. :latiku: I think you could have done better with word choice and usage, though.
12. Kworb – The Times
BITCH WHAT. I am genuinely curious as to if this is based on a real story or not. It felt so authentic, almost like we were having a conversation of sorts. I absolutely adore how the story is near simplistic in nature, but just the way you told it was so well. You utilized your words in such a powerful way, and I enjoyed it a lot. Very well done! 
13. Truffle. – Plastic Memories
It's important that you make your chorus powerful, as that will be the first thing you recognize nearly any song by. However, I felt yours was entirely forgettable. It didn't end on a high note or anything. Thematically, it's a done before topic, and I didn't find anything that brought new life to it. I also think that you could have used your words better, "still stand tall", for example. I think "still" could easily be removed from the line, and it'd work all the same. As judges, we don't sit and count syllables, so if you're missing one on a line, it's not noticeable a good majority of the time. That's important to note if you're thinking of using a filler word to fulfill a meter.
14. RihsusChrist(ATG) – The Tragic Ballad of Paula Deen
If you wanted to quit, you should've done so. +1 for making me smirk, though.
15. ausdaniel – Wash Me Away
"Ice of pain" sounds like a special attack in an RPG or something. But about your song, it felt very familiar. Nothing new is seen here. You also danced around the limit a bit, rather than embracing it. It wasn't extreme in your case or anything, but it does show that you could have worked within the limit more effectively.
16. Obsession – Compass
Okay I am just confused at this point. You note that at the end, there's a chorus x2, but there are at least 2 different choruses in your song, which one is x2? I can give you credit for sticking with your theme of travel, rather than using it as a one-off metaphor. You did a relatively good job at using your words, nothing particularly tells me that something was there to fill a meter, but there's a kick here I'm not feeling.
17. JakeKills – Therapy
I get that you wanted the "therapy" part to be emphasized, but starting it in every part made it just drag on to me. I am glad that your topic was different from the normal type of entry, though - it livened it up a bit. I can't help but feel the end of your song was said in a sassy voice. Anyway, besides for the repetition of the therapy part, I think you did a good job at using your words.
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 14,512
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Huga come thru
Edit: Oh.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 22,001
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My teacher just said
"Today's like prison, if you don't bother me I won't bother you" and we can just hang out on our phones all hour.
Anyways I guess I'm perched
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Member Since: 1/2/2014
Posts: 2,955
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 8,324
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Why am I not in batch 1 bye!!
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 57,339
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Yeah, I get what Huga means. I think I definitely overthought the challenge and focused more on keeping the song within the limitations than the content and quality of the song itself. Oh well!
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 3/15/2013
Posts: 39,618
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by HausofNiko
My teacher just said
"Today's like prison, if you don't bother me I won't bother you" and we can just hang out on our phones all hour.
Anyways I guess I'm perched
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I feel the same way about mental illness
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 17,456
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Well at least I got the longest display of comments.
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 6,127
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my varying shade of blue line is a reference to feeling depressed, or 'blue', so with the whole day thing I had in my entry, you just feel a "varying shade of blue". I guess it didn't come across strongly enough.
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