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Tournament: PLΔTINUM HIT 7
Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
Originally posted by dwuw
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World Peace only gets a day? Girl I'm pretty sure peace can't even last 5 mins
Someone needs to get their **** together
and QUICK
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
Originally posted by Golden
I've watched all her iconic videos but for some reason I've never watched that one. Is it funny?
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It is HILARIOUS.
Good sis rants about 37 different topics in that one video and at the end it turns into an appeal to Barack Obama.
Definitely worth the watch!
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Why did I have dream about zombies and Voldemort ugh this is why I need to start sleeping properly
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Quote:
Originally posted by EuphorianSea
Whew my "friend" getting mad at me cause everyone bailed out on her birthday
Excuse me sis but I told you straight up I couldn't come, I didn't deceive your ass and then not show up
Don't turn on me cause everyone else ain't replying to your messages
You think you're that much to lose? please.
Asking me why I couldn't come then saying "here come the excuses"
No bitch here comes the day I block your number
Have a break, have a Kit Kat.
And sit down.
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I'm done
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ATRL Senior Member
Member Since: 1/6/2014
Posts: 8,787
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Quote:
Originally posted by keshaspearsxo
Why did I have dream about zombies and Voldemort ugh this is why I need to start sleeping properly
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That's better than my dream about riding Velociraptors and chasing T-Rex 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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I never remember my dreams.
The only dream that I remember is when I saw I was holding hands with a guy I hated in high school and then I had a crush on him throughout the last year (only because of that dream) and hated him at the same time.
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ATRL Senior Member
Member Since: 1/6/2014
Posts: 8,787
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Quote:
Originally posted by Truth Teller
I never remember my dreams.
The only dream that I remember is when I saw I was holding hands with a guy I hated in high school and then I had a crush on him throughout the last year (only because of that dream) and hated him at the same time.
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Bad Blood while being Mad Loves I see 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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Quote:
Originally posted by Era
Bad Blood while being Mad Loves I see |
He had this weird mixture of hot and ugly, nice and jerk, beefy and slim, smart and stupid. Weird creature. But he had a certain je ne sais quoi, so maybe that's why he ended up holding my hand in my dream 
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ATRL Senior Member
Member Since: 1/6/2014
Posts: 8,787
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Quote:
Originally posted by Truth Teller
He had this weird mixture of hot and ugly, nice and jerk, beefy and slim, smart and stupid. Weird creature. But he had a certain je ne sais quoi, so maybe that's why he ended up holding my hand in my dream |
So miserable and beautiful at the same time 
I knew my last crush was trouble when he walked in! But I don't have any now
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So when do we get your blessings/lashings/essays/reviews your highness?
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Member Since: 9/15/2012
Posts: 22,487
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by lovesong
Ugh I'm so going home this week  |
We can both go out together 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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Quote:
Originally posted by Era
So miserable and beautiful at the same time
I knew my last crush was trouble when he walked in! But I don't have any now
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So when do we get your blessings/lashings/essays/reviews your highness? |
In like an hor or so probably
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
Originally posted by Truth Teller
In like an hor or so probably
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Member Since: 9/15/2012
Posts: 22,487
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Mitski is officially my #2 artist on last.fm!  She passed Rubblebucket, whom I only really like one album and a handful of songs by. And I've only owned music by her for barely over a year and a half. I've only owned music by Rubblebucket for like 4 months longer but shhhh
This doesn't mean anyone's scores are changed 
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Member Since: 9/15/2012
Posts: 22,487
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 41,181
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 Actors (lovesong)Why do you always follow up your best entries with your worst ones?  did appreciate how you put a more general twist to it with "what if we're all actors", that gave it another dimension. I also loved the final 4 lines of the song, very well written. Other than that, this is surprisingly clumsy for your standards. And not just in terms of the content, I even spotted technical issues. The meter of your first verse is 7 -> 9 -> 9 -> 8 / 12 -> 10 -> 13 -> 8. I never deduct a significant amount of points for meter, but seeing meter inconsistency in round 9 was pretty surprising to me.
The main problem however is that you crossed the thin line between simplicity and basicness. A lot of the lines feel extremely plain, even juvenile in cases. "When you're alone, don't know what to do", "want to explore what I can be" as well as the first pre-chorus sound like they were taken from the average teenager's notebook. Sure, that had the potential to work for the self portrait round, but they needed better delivery. I also didn't like the transition from "you" to "I" between the two halves of the first verse.
And then the chorus didn't manage to save the song either. The chorus needs to PUNCH, it needs to deliver standout lines and be the center of the song. But your chorus felt like a collection of filler lines. "Reality is something we don't know" is too wordy, lacks power and doesn't convey the emotion I'd expect from the chorus of a self portrait song. "I pretend to know what to do" also gives me nothing, cause you repeated that content in the second line of the song and also because from the vibe of the song I had already grasped that you don't know what to do and that you're an actor in some twisted show, so the chorus gave me nothing.
Cold Front (conatus)
Welp, in my opinion, this is your best entry since Mother And Father in round 4. It's simple, it feels spontaneous and honest and it delivered many amazing lines, especially the "heavy hearts" line, the "weather" line and the first 3 lines of the first verse. If you had worked on some of the filler lines to rewrite them or even completely get rid of them, this had the potential to be your best since Get To Heaven. By filler lines, in your case, I mean the lines that are either too obvious or too general, like "it always ends up the same" or "I never get it right". I didn't really need any of these lines because I can assume this information based on the rest of the song anyway. It's also a bit of a personal pet peeve when a lyric like "I'm talking to myself / I'm having conversations with myself" comes up in a song that's supposed to be introspective anyway, but that's more of my problem than it is yours I think.
Dark Side (ClarksonSlays)
This started out really well. I liked the approach of the first verse, it was fun, effortless and entertaining to read. I also really loved the bridge, it gave your song another dimension and the last 2 lines are the best of your entry. Unfortunately, the first verse and the bridge remained the only highlights.
The chorus is your worst to date, I have no idea how you couldn't try to make it better. Using the word "just", the most generic filler word, 4 times in a 6-line chorus is a nightmare. The chorus is supposed to carry your whole song, it can't be built around a filler word. Content wise, the chorus was also watered down. I expected you to go all out with raunchiness and shock value after the verse, but you held back and settled down. Girl, learn to adjust to the pulse of your audience. You can't have a blowjob reference in the verse and the line "I feel the strongest when I'm the hardest" as your pre-chorus and then talk about clipped wings in your chorus. I was ready for Khia, not Kidz Bopz. And then the second verse gave me nothing new, it was mainly a less interesting and less well written rehash of the first one.
Deer (keshasparsxo)
Conceptually, this is probably my favorite song of the season so far. Your idea to present yourself as a lost deer is the most non-cliche delivery of a song about being confused that anyone could ever pull off. Your imagery was incredible, vivid and moving. Your vocabulary was as simplistic and natural as it needed to be. Your meter, stressing and rhyming were perfect. The way "little deer" is repeated in the verses and bridge along with the different actions and movements of the deer makes it sound like a fairytale or a nursery rhyme, which is perfect for a self-portrait song. My only complaint is that I'd like the chorus to be a little more of an event than it was. It wasn't really needed for the chorus to carry the song in your case, because the rest of the song pretty much carries itself, but I could still use a stronger chorus. I could also do without the "the deer is me" part. First of all, because I assumed it anyway and secondly because even if I hadn't, abstract and mysterious >>>>>>>>>> "the deer is me". But that's my personal taste and I didn't deduct points for that one line.
Dont Cry Wolf (8thPrince)
On the one hand, I like how complete your metaphor is. You, like pears depicted yourself as an animal (fox in your case) and let that be the running theme of the song, not just a one-off image thrown in somewhere. I liked that, it made the song feel cohesive and concentrated. I also loved the "outfoxed" line, it was by far the best and catchiest line of this round.
On the other hand, you gave me nothing to connect with. Sure, the song was a self portrait in its own way, but did you ultimately give me anything to relate to? Yes, you depicted yourself as a smart, witty, whimsical creature that doesn't rush things and does everything at his own pace, I did get that message and that self reflection. But there was no vulnerability in any of this. And there isn't any vulnerability in any of your songs, come to think of it, so this was your chance to get out of your comfort zone and make us feel something. Cause you've mastered the craft of putting a smile on our faces, whether it's through catchy lines or through weird titles and metaphors. But you haven't conveyed any deeper emotion, to me at least. So, I'm definitely disappointed that, in a round that was supposed to be about self reflection and introspective lyricism, you stuck to your formula and made a nonchalant, happy song... again.
Free (Era)
I really liked this! It was a simple, but solid approach and it ticked all the necessary boxes without being too cliche. The "open sky" line and the "crowned jewel" line were my favorite and some of the standout lines of the round in general, beautifully written! Just try to keep the ambiguous lines in check, like "i could let everything fall", "you shouldn't act this way". Those are lines that carry little meaning and content, so they're more filler than they are actually essential lyrics and sometimes they hold the song down and prevent it from punching as hard as it could.
More Than This (Sam)
"Through the eyes of an overachiever" is a pretty perfect line to start any honest, self-portrait song. It captures the attention of the reader and it gives them a special part of your personality right from the start, which is great. I overall enjoyed the song. It was not a highlight in this round's bunch or in your catalogue, but it was solid.
The main problem to me was that some of the lines did feel a little corny to me, I guess. "live the greatest story ever told", "I'll last like a famous wonder", "written in the stars" and words like "dreams" / "vision" give me a cheesy Disney soundtrack meets equally cheesy Broadway song vibe. Or maybe that's just my taste, because I do despise all the "I'll follow my dreams and be a star" type of songs. And then, I also disliked the rap verse. If you really want to include a rap verse, you need to go all out with it. Just listen to some more rap music to get a better understanding of where the line between a good rap verse and a clumsy, rather contrived rap verse is. But for someone who doesn't really listen to rap, you're not doing a bad job at all.
Self-Destruct (EuphorianSea)
This was definitely one of the week's strongest entries. I think you've found a style that works for you, so you can't flop or completely underperform with it. Which is great. The highlight of the song was the end of the bridge for me. It was really simple, but it had a pace and a lovely sense of hopelessness that I really appreciated. There were a few overly ambiguous or plain lines ("I don't have a clue", "but only if I like it") and I also didn't really like "I put on my face", even though I get what you were trying to say. But other than that, my main concern is that I feel like I've read this entry before from you. I'm not saying you copied or rehashed another one of your songs, but the vibe, feel and content are a little familiar. I wanted you to maybe dig a little deeper or deliver something I hadn't read before from you or maybe something I wouldn't expect to read from you. It's still one of the better entries of the week though.
The Cave (GotSkill)
It was solid and slightly better than your round 7/8 entries. I like the structure of the verses, the short lines added a good pace to them. "scared sick - photophobic" was not a good rhyme and cave - grave - brave was a little forced, but it works. The past tense in "met" threw me off a bit because the rest of the song is written in present tense, but that's not a big deal. "miserable life" was also not my favorite phrase, but I generally dislike when emotion is force fed to me, so I'd rather be able to conclude that your life is miserable by reading the song, as opposed to just be told that it's miserable. The theme of hiding alone in a dark cave and then yearning to find light is far from original or unexpected, but it decently executed. I'd rather not comment on the last line of the song, it was unecessary and made little to no sense.
To Me... (Hugamari)
Yes! This is what I was looking for!
This is the most perfect submission for this round because, not only is it an undeniable self-portrait, but it's also easy to connect to, it's introspective, it's personal, it's everything the challenge was about! Was it the most polished or intricate entry? No. But it was the most honest, uncontrived and relatable to me. You really poured your heart into it without overanalyzing or trying too hard not to follow the typical style of personal ballads. It's very spontaneous and it conveys emotion, all in its unfiltered, simplistic nature. I loved it 
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
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This was definitely one of the week's strongest entries. I think you've found a style that works for you, so you can't flop or completely underperform with it. Which is great. The highlight of the song was the end of the bridge for me. It was really simple, but it had a pace and a lovely sense of hopelessness that I really appreciated. There were a few overly ambiguous or plain lines ("I don't have a clue", "but only if I like it") and I also didn't really like "I put on my face", even though I get what you were trying to say. But other than that, my main concern is that I feel like I've read this entry before from you. I'm not saying you copied or rehashed another one of your songs, but the vibe, feel and content are a little familiar. I wanted you to maybe dig a little deeper or deliver something I hadn't read before from you or maybe something I wouldn't expect to read from you. It's still one of the better entries of the week though.
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I thought the first line said: "This was definitely one of the weakest entries" 
And YES! I'm definitely more comfortable writing lyrics than I was when I first started.
I get what you're saying. It's an issue of mine. I'm just not sure what ELSE to bring to the table.
Thanks tho 
The end of the bridge is one of my favourite parts too!
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Thank you for changing the color of the text for my review! I don't know if you did that knowing I can't read it usually, or you meant to do that for all reviews and only ended up doing that for mine (and GotSkills)
...it could've been an accident, too, but I appreciate it, regardless!
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