[ForeverNow90]

This is probably gonna be long, but perch a bit

My Story

So my mom and I don't have a healthy relationship tbh and we both aren't trying to fix it, because my hatred for her dates back to high school where she was my tenth grade teacher. She used to embarrass me in front of the whole class by "shading me" indirectly and when I got home and confronted her about it she just said she doesn't want the other students to think she favor me because I'm her son. I tried to not think about how she embarrassed me in front of my friends, but the emotional abuse just got worse.

After some time I told my dad about it because he was worried cuz my grades dropped drastically. (I went from Top achiever to less than average). He spoke to my mom about it and they fought about it but soon just decided to let it go. I couldn't focus on my academics because I constantly thought about what my mom would say/do next.

To wrap this part up, I barely passed that year, but I made it by the skin of my teeth.

The next year things were fine, academically and socially for me, but I still felt an intense level of hate towards my mom, my sister knew about this because she experienced this too. I excelled so much that I was chosen as deputy headboy of my school and my mom fumed to an extent where she constantly dissed me about the smallest thing. It was as if she didn't like seeing me successful.

Anyway I've been dating girls my whole life and my mom never approved of any of them so after a while I just stopped talking about my girlfriends/bringing them home. I would confide in my dad who understands me better and who has been my best friend my whole life

But one night my mom and I had a huge argument so I just took off for the night and ended up at a bar. I didn't drink much at the time only socially, but I was SO mad at my mom that I got wasted as hell. I met this guy and I don't remember what he said or what I said, but I remember waking up on his couch the next day. He told me I was totally out of it, and he didn't want me to end up in hospital. We hung out at his crib for a few hours, we just talked and I told him why I ended up at the bar.

The next thing I knew we were kissing, but when I realized what was happening I pulled away and left. I was so confused by it all. I found his number in my pocket later that day and I couldn't stop thinking about the kiss so I called him, we met up and we spoke and he told me he is bi and he just went thru a bad break up with his girlfriend. We kissed again, but that's where it all ended.

I acted weird at home, so I told my sister about the dude I met and she gave me some great advice, and told me to tell my parents. So I did and my dad told me that he doesn't have a problem with me, because he raised me to make my own decisions and that he won't stand in the way of my happiness. My mother on the other hand started an argument again so she moved out to stay with my aunt (her sister). A few weeks later she got back after my dad spoke to her numerous times.

One day I called the guy again, but he didn't answer so I went to his apartment and I caught him in bed with his ex girlfriend. Of course I was devastated because I fell so hard for that mother****er. He told me he's back with his girl and that he never wants to see me again because I want to have a relationship, and he doesn't see himself being romantically involved with a guy

At that point I was an emotional mess. Because of the rejection from my mom and this guy I resorted to drugs. I started failing my classes at college and I was just totally out of it. Long story short, my dad booked me into rehab and I recovered.

I've met another girl after I came out of rehab, but it didn't work ouk because I would constantly think of the guy I met before and besides the girl just wanted me for my penis

At the start of this year I met a guy who's very supportive and share the same interests as me. We breathe in sync and we've been together for 11 months now

My mom acts like she's okay with me, but I know she's only acting because she doesn't want me to lose it again cuz it killed my dad inside to see me like that. I feel like she will never accept me and I'm content with that because my family except for her family support me.

[BadMonster]

Originally posted by ForeverNow90

This is probably gonna be long, but perch a bit

My Story

So my mom and I don't have a healthy relationship tbh and we both aren't trying to fix it, because my hatred for her dates back to high school where she was my tenth grade teacher. She used to embarrass me in front of the whole class by "shading me" indirectly and when I got home and confronted her about it she just said she doesn't want the other students to think she favor me because I'm her son. I tried to not think about how she embarrassed me in front of my friends, but the emotional abuse just got worse.

After some time I told my dad about it because he was worried cuz my grades dropped drastically. (I went from Top achiever to less than average). He spoke to my mom about it and they fought about it but soon just decided to let it go. I couldn't focus on my academics because I constantly thought about what my mom would say/do next.

To wrap this part up, I barely passed that year, but I made it by the skin of my teeth.

The next year things were fine, academically and socially for me, but I still felt an intense level of hate towards my mom, my sister knew about this because she experienced this too. I excelled so much that I was chosen as deputy headboy of my school and my mom fumed to an extent where she constantly dissed me about the smallest thing. It was as if she didn't like seeing me successful.

Anyway I've been dating girls my whole life and my mom never approved of any of them so after a while I just stopped talking about my girlfriends/bringing them home. I would confide in my dad who understands me better and who has been my best friend my whole life

But one night my mom and I had a huge argument so I just took off for the night and ended up at a bar. I didn't drink much at the time only socially, but I was SO mad at my mom that I got wasted as hell. I met this guy and I don't remember what he said or what I said, but I remember waking up on his couch the next day. He told me I was totally out of it, and he didn't want me to end up in hospital. We hung out at his crib for a few hours, we just talked and I told him why I ended up at the bar.

The next thing I knew we were kissing, but when I realized what was happening I pulled away and left. I was so confused by it all. I found his number in my pocket later that day and I couldn't stop thinking about the kiss so I called him, we met up and we spoke and he told me he is bi and he just went thru a bad break up with his girlfriend. We kissed again, but that's where it all ended.

I acted weird at home, so I told my sister about the dude I met and she gave me some great advice, and told me to tell my parents. So I did and my dad told me that he doesn't have a problem with me, because he raised me to make my own decisions and that he won't stand in the way of my happiness. My mother on the other hand started an argument again so she moved out to stay with my aunt (her sister). A few weeks later she got back after my dad spoke to her numerous times.

One day I called the guy again, but he didn't answer so I went to his apartment and I caught him in bed with his ex girlfriend. Of course I was devastated because I fell so hard for that mother****er. He told me he's back with his girl and that he never wants to see me again because I want to have a relationship, and he doesn't see himself being romantically involved with a guy

At that point I was an emotional mess. Because of the rejection from my mom and this guy I resorted to drugs. I started failing my classes at college and I was just totally out of it. Long story short, my dad booked me into rehab and I recovered.

I've met another girl after I came out of rehab, but it didn't work ouk because I would constantly think of the guy I met before and besides the girl just wanted me for my penis

At the start of this year I met a guy who's very supportive and share the same interests as me. We breathe in sync and we've been together for 11 months now

My mom acts like she's okay with me, but I know she's only acting because she doesn't want me to lose it again cuz it killed my dad inside to see me like that. I feel like she will never accept me and I'm content with that because my family except for her family support me.

Doesn't it feel good that it's eating at her from the inside and now you are the one who is making her fume? I'd LOVE it tbh Sounds intense though, I don't get how mothers could act like that toward their child... Let me not **** with your mind, but are you 100% sure she is your biological mother? I've seen mothers do this and then it was revealed the kid wasn't biologically hers

[ForeverNow90]

Originally posted by BadMonster

Doesn't it feel good that it's eating at her from the inside and now you are the one who is making her fume? I'd LOVE it tbh Sounds intense though, I don't get how mothers could act like that toward their child... Let me not **** with your mind, but are you 100% sure she is your biological mother? I've seen mothers do this and then it was revealed the kid wasn't biologically hers

I once asked my dad if he's sure, he said yes I even asked him to go through medical records, and it confirmed that she is my biological mother.

[BadMonster]

Originally posted by ForeverNow90

I once asked my dad if he's sure, he said yes I even asked him to go through medical records, and it confirmed that she is my biological mother.

Not you actually having consulted the medical records to check whether she's your real mum
Maybe she's jealous that you are achieving something she never did or had the possibility to? It's tough to be in such a difficult situation sis, I'm here for you

[Desert Rain]

You guys are so strong
Like, holding it together throughout all of this stuff.

[ForeverNow90]

Originally posted by Desert Rain

You guys are so strong
Like, holding it together throughout all of this stuff.

It's not easy sis, but we wouldn't be in these situation if we weren't strong enough to handle them

Originally posted by BadMonster

Not you actually having consulted the medical records to check whether she's your real mum
Maybe she's jealous that you are achieving something she never did or had the possibility to? It's tough to be in such a difficult situation sis, I'm here for you

I remember this one time I asked him what exactly did he see in her 20+ years ago, cuz I don't see it

Maybe. She's a bit like that to my sister as well, but NOT to such an intense extent. My lil brother is ha fave out of the three of us because he is straight, plays soccer and excells.

Thanks sis

[Lukey]

Originally posted by ForeverNow90

This is probably gonna be long, but perch a bit

My Story

So my mom and I don't have a healthy relationship tbh and we both aren't trying to fix it, because my hatred for her dates back to high school where she was my tenth grade teacher. She used to embarrass me in front of the whole class by "shading me" indirectly and when I got home and confronted her about it she just said she doesn't want the other students to think she favor me because I'm her son. I tried to not think about how she embarrassed me in front of my friends, but the emotional abuse just got worse.

After some time I told my dad about it because he was worried cuz my grades dropped drastically. (I went from Top achiever to less than average). He spoke to my mom about it and they fought about it but soon just decided to let it go. I couldn't focus on my academics because I constantly thought about what my mom would say/do next.

To wrap this part up, I barely passed that year, but I made it by the skin of my teeth.

The next year things were fine, academically and socially for me, but I still felt an intense level of hate towards my mom, my sister knew about this because she experienced this too. I excelled so much that I was chosen as deputy headboy of my school and my mom fumed to an extent where she constantly dissed me about the smallest thing. It was as if she didn't like seeing me successful.

Anyway I've been dating girls my whole life and my mom never approved of any of them so after a while I just stopped talking about my girlfriends/bringing them home. I would confide in my dad who understands me better and who has been my best friend my whole life

But one night my mom and I had a huge argument so I just took off for the night and ended up at a bar. I didn't drink much at the time only socially, but I was SO mad at my mom that I got wasted as hell. I met this guy and I don't remember what he said or what I said, but I remember waking up on his couch the next day. He told me I was totally out of it, and he didn't want me to end up in hospital. We hung out at his crib for a few hours, we just talked and I told him why I ended up at the bar.

The next thing I knew we were kissing, but when I realized what was happening I pulled away and left. I was so confused by it all. I found his number in my pocket later that day and I couldn't stop thinking about the kiss so I called him, we met up and we spoke and he told me he is bi and he just went thru a bad break up with his girlfriend. We kissed again, but that's where it all ended.

I acted weird at home, so I told my sister about the dude I met and she gave me some great advice, and told me to tell my parents. So I did and my dad told me that he doesn't have a problem with me, because he raised me to make my own decisions and that he won't stand in the way of my happiness. My mother on the other hand started an argument again so she moved out to stay with my aunt (her sister). A few weeks later she got back after my dad spoke to her numerous times.

One day I called the guy again, but he didn't answer so I went to his apartment and I caught him in bed with his ex girlfriend. Of course I was devastated because I fell so hard for that mother****er. He told me he's back with his girl and that he never wants to see me again because I want to have a relationship, and he doesn't see himself being romantically involved with a guy

At that point I was an emotional mess. Because of the rejection from my mom and this guy I resorted to drugs. I started failing my classes at college and I was just totally out of it. Long story short, my dad booked me into rehab and I recovered.

I've met another girl after I came out of rehab, but it didn't work ouk because I would constantly think of the guy I met before and besides the girl just wanted me for my penis

At the start of this year I met a guy who's very supportive and share the same interests as me. We breathe in sync and we've been together for 11 months now

My mom acts like she's okay with me, but I know she's only acting because she doesn't want me to lose it again cuz it killed my dad inside to see me like that. I feel like she will never accept me and I'm content with that because my family except for her family support me.

Wow... That's tough. I'm glad you're not letting your mum get to you now though. Also I can see your story being one of those coming of ages indie films.

[Adonia]

Originally posted by ForeverNow90

This is probably gonna be long, but perch a bit

My Story

So my mom and I don't have a healthy relationship tbh and we both aren't trying to fix it, because my hatred for her dates back to high school where she was my tenth grade teacher. She used to embarrass me in front of the whole class by "shading me" indirectly and when I got home and confronted her about it she just said she doesn't want the other students to think she favor me because I'm her son. I tried to not think about how she embarrassed me in front of my friends, but the emotional abuse just got worse.

After some time I told my dad about it because he was worried cuz my grades dropped drastically. (I went from Top achiever to less than average). He spoke to my mom about it and they fought about it but soon just decided to let it go. I couldn't focus on my academics because I constantly thought about what my mom would say/do next.

To wrap this part up, I barely passed that year, but I made it by the skin of my teeth.

The next year things were fine, academically and socially for me, but I still felt an intense level of hate towards my mom, my sister knew about this because she experienced this too. I excelled so much that I was chosen as deputy headboy of my school and my mom fumed to an extent where she constantly dissed me about the smallest thing. It was as if she didn't like seeing me successful.

Anyway I've been dating girls my whole life and my mom never approved of any of them so after a while I just stopped talking about my girlfriends/bringing them home. I would confide in my dad who understands me better and who has been my best friend my whole life

But one night my mom and I had a huge argument so I just took off for the night and ended up at a bar. I didn't drink much at the time only socially, but I was SO mad at my mom that I got wasted as hell. I met this guy and I don't remember what he said or what I said, but I remember waking up on his couch the next day. He told me I was totally out of it, and he didn't want me to end up in hospital. We hung out at his crib for a few hours, we just talked and I told him why I ended up at the bar.

The next thing I knew we were kissing, but when I realized what was happening I pulled away and left. I was so confused by it all. I found his number in my pocket later that day and I couldn't stop thinking about the kiss so I called him, we met up and we spoke and he told me he is bi and he just went thru a bad break up with his girlfriend. We kissed again, but that's where it all ended.

I acted weird at home, so I told my sister about the dude I met and she gave me some great advice, and told me to tell my parents. So I did and my dad told me that he doesn't have a problem with me, because he raised me to make my own decisions and that he won't stand in the way of my happiness. My mother on the other hand started an argument again so she moved out to stay with my aunt (her sister). A few weeks later she got back after my dad spoke to her numerous times.

One day I called the guy again, but he didn't answer so I went to his apartment and I caught him in bed with his ex girlfriend. Of course I was devastated because I fell so hard for that mother****er. He told me he's back with his girl and that he never wants to see me again because I want to have a relationship, and he doesn't see himself being romantically involved with a guy

At that point I was an emotional mess. Because of the rejection from my mom and this guy I resorted to drugs. I started failing my classes at college and I was just totally out of it. Long story short, my dad booked me into rehab and I recovered.

I've met another girl after I came out of rehab, but it didn't work ouk because I would constantly think of the guy I met before and besides the girl just wanted me for my penis

At the start of this year I met a guy who's very supportive and share the same interests as me. We breathe in sync and we've been together for 11 months now

My mom acts like she's okay with me, but I know she's only acting because she doesn't want me to lose it again cuz it killed my dad inside to see me like that. I feel like she will never accept me and I'm content with that because my family except for her family support me.

Oh my god What a story. It's great that it's had a mildly happy ending.

[ForeverNow90]

Originally posted by JustLuke

Wow... That's tough. I'm glad you're not letting your mum get to you now though. Also I can see your story being one of those coming of ages indie films.

Just give me 5 more years sis. The film is coming

[Miles Caulfield]

Originally posted by ForeverNow90

This is probably gonna be long, but perch a bit

My Story

So my mom and I don't have a healthy relationship tbh and we both aren't trying to fix it, because my hatred for her dates back to high school where she was my tenth grade teacher. She used to embarrass me in front of the whole class by "shading me" indirectly and when I got home and confronted her about it she just said she doesn't want the other students to think she favor me because I'm her son. I tried to not think about how she embarrassed me in front of my friends, but the emotional abuse just got worse.

After some time I told my dad about it because he was worried cuz my grades dropped drastically. (I went from Top achiever to less than average). He spoke to my mom about it and they fought about it but soon just decided to let it go. I couldn't focus on my academics because I constantly thought about what my mom would say/do next.

To wrap this part up, I barely passed that year, but I made it by the skin of my teeth.

The next year things were fine, academically and socially for me, but I still felt an intense level of hate towards my mom, my sister knew about this because she experienced this too. I excelled so much that I was chosen as deputy headboy of my school and my mom fumed to an extent where she constantly dissed me about the smallest thing. It was as if she didn't like seeing me successful.

Anyway I've been dating girls my whole life and my mom never approved of any of them so after a while I just stopped talking about my girlfriends/bringing them home. I would confide in my dad who understands me better and who has been my best friend my whole life

But one night my mom and I had a huge argument so I just took off for the night and ended up at a bar. I didn't drink much at the time only socially, but I was SO mad at my mom that I got wasted as hell. I met this guy and I don't remember what he said or what I said, but I remember waking up on his couch the next day. He told me I was totally out of it, and he didn't want me to end up in hospital. We hung out at his crib for a few hours, we just talked and I told him why I ended up at the bar.

The next thing I knew we were kissing, but when I realized what was happening I pulled away and left. I was so confused by it all. I found his number in my pocket later that day and I couldn't stop thinking about the kiss so I called him, we met up and we spoke and he told me he is bi and he just went thru a bad break up with his girlfriend. We kissed again, but that's where it all ended.

I acted weird at home, so I told my sister about the dude I met and she gave me some great advice, and told me to tell my parents. So I did and my dad told me that he doesn't have a problem with me, because he raised me to make my own decisions and that he won't stand in the way of my happiness. My mother on the other hand started an argument again so she moved out to stay with my aunt (her sister). A few weeks later she got back after my dad spoke to her numerous times.

One day I called the guy again, but he didn't answer so I went to his apartment and I caught him in bed with his ex girlfriend. Of course I was devastated because I fell so hard for that mother****er. He told me he's back with his girl and that he never wants to see me again because I want to have a relationship, and he doesn't see himself being romantically involved with a guy

At that point I was an emotional mess. Because of the rejection from my mom and this guy I resorted to drugs. I started failing my classes at college and I was just totally out of it. Long story short, my dad booked me into rehab and I recovered.

I've met another girl after I came out of rehab, but it didn't work ouk because I would constantly think of the guy I met before and besides the girl just wanted me for my penis

At the start of this year I met a guy who's very supportive and share the same interests as me. We breathe in sync and we've been together for 11 months now

My mom acts like she's okay with me, but I know she's only acting because she doesn't want me to lose it again cuz it killed my dad inside to see me like that. I feel like she will never accept me and I'm content with that because my family except for her family support me.

I'm really glad that it worked out for you and you're really an amazingly strong person for putting up with all that.

[Lukey]

Originally posted by ForeverNow90

Just give me 5 more years sis. The film is coming

I'll pre-order the DVD now then, saves me time.

[NICHOLE]

Love this idea, could you add me in as an official caregiver?

[ForeverNow90]

Originally posted by Miles Caulfield

I'm really glad that it worked out for you and you're really an amazingly strong person for putting up with all that.

Thanks. And a double thanks for creating this thread!

[Miles Caulfield]

Originally posted by ForeverNow90

Thanks. And a double thanks for creating this thread!

Thanks for the idea.

[RideOrDie]

My story is going to be a long one and it involves many screwed up things but it finally feels nice to tell them. Please, don't be harsh.

Think twice before reading.

It all started in late 2012. I was 13, it was the beginning of my teenage years so everything started to become challenging. One thing lead to another and I couldn't handle the pressure anymore. I'm gonna pass on the small details and just say that I've started to cut myself. It was minimal at first. I was depressed. I didn't let anyone know, I was scared of people's reaction. I always put on a fake smile when going to school. I forced myself to be happy. Deep inside, I wasn't. I was always the fat guy who cries everytime. I always cried with the music on. I always cut myself when I was home alone. I put my best effort to not let anyone sense anything. I was getting sick, I got addicted to pain killers and sleeping pills. I was socially inactive and I had completely shut myself out from the world. This continued for months.

Then, I had a breakdown. I went a little too far with the cutting and well, my arms and legs were all in blood. I had no idea how I've got myself there. I didn't realise what I was doing before it was too late. I don't know if anyone remembers/knows, but I wrote a blog on ATRL about comitting suicide when this was all happening. Anyway, luckily there wasn't anyone home so I had time to clean the wounds & blood. Fortunately, it was winter so the clothes were hiding. I had a rough time with the recovering process. It gave me extra pain instead of relief.

Eventually, I've had enough with all the emotional pain. It was so hard not talking to someone about it. So, I've picked three people from my class that I can trust and told them. They were nice enough to show support and talk to me daily. They cheered me up a bit for weeks. But it was just a phase, a phase that will lead to the actual disaster.

One day, when I was talking to one of three, we both came out to each other. And you know what I exactly did as a lonely, depressed, needy teenager? I fell in love. It wasn't simple "liking", it wasn't just a crush, it was mad love. We started doing things that couples do and eventually we became one. It took a while but he knew that I needed him and I felt like he loves me, too. In the meantime, I was eating healthy to lose weight (& I did). Everything started to get better. I wasn't cutting as much as I used to and I was happy. That lasted for a month.

When July came, all hell broke loose. He told me that he was going on vacation for 2 months (which meant the whole summer) with his family and he did all he could do to stay home, but they wouldn't let him. I was devastated and afraid but I needed to keep myself together for the sake of our relationship. And I did. One week before his vacation, it was 5AM and we had the crazy idea of me going to his house with my bike. (It's like roughly 6-7kms away) It was a nice summer morning and the sun was about to come it, it was all worth it. It was usual for us to stay that late in summer. I told him I'm coming so he didn't go to bed and I insisted. I've warned him about not putting his phone on silent. And he did. I've just wanted to visit my boyfriend and it was a wild but great opportunity. Instead, he went to bed, put his phone on silent and never woke up. It was a total of 5 hour ride. I was thirsty, hungry, sleepy and on the verge of getting hospitalized. It was very, very hot and my heart beat was at a critical rate. My parents were about to kill me because I've had put my life on risk. That was only the beginning.

When he went on vacation, we started to fight a lot over little things. I was getting jealous over everything and he didn't care. (I wish Beyoncé released Jealous earlier) Anyway, we fought daily. Not exaggerating, for two whole months everyday ended with a stupid fight and apology. He used to make excuses to not talk to me, he always tried to ignore me. I could see the hate in his every word. That's when I got back to my old routine and make matters worse. I was cutting, burning, starving myself. I've done every little thing to hurt myself. Every. Little. Thing. He didn't try to stop me.

After that, his vacation came to an end. We met up and forgave each other. We were still holding on to each other even after all that happened. We kissed, cuddled, did all the stuff we used to do like playing video games. It was a fun day until we were home alone. He started to go beyond kissing. I told him and warned him numerous times that I didn't want to do it that day. He wouldn't listen to me. He was holding me against my will and I was yelling and tried to run away. That's when he hit me. It was a hard punch right in my face. He choked, slapped, beat and forced me to have sex with him for about an hour. He was physically stronger than me. I couldn't do anything, I didn't want to do anything. My nose bled. I cried. But I let him. His face was emotionless. It was the most traumatic thing that I've gone through. I never told to anybody. I didn't talk to anybody. I never took help. I didn't left my room for days.

After everything was over, I learned from our mutual friends that he never loved me and used me just for entertainment purposes. I still see him everyday and he regrets nothing. He knows that I'm still cutting myself and he never gave me one apology about it. It was done for me. I am back to square one and it's even worse now. I have trust issues and I think that no one will ever love me. I am gonna be always alone when life passes right in front of my eyes. I'm a 14 year old teenager and my life ended before it's begun.

[Fingerprints]

Lemme try this I can't do the collapse tags and there's one or two triggering things in here so sorry

I have this friend who I've known since I was 7, and like, we were best friends and always went to places together and hung out in the summer like everyday. Then it seems like in August 2011 he became a jerk. Then last summer whenever I'd go swimming he would literally LIVE to comment about anything, anything at all about me. He ruined my self esteem and I was upset. He's a bad person, honestly, he finds r*pe to be funny, he has threatened me about it a few times, he used to randomly grope me though that's stopped. He calls me a wh*re, a ****, other messy things (I'm a virgin and I haven't even gotten a boyfriend damn it ) but luckily my overly protective (to a extent ) brother ALWAYS calls him out on that, and now next time my dad sees him he will drag him to the pitZ. But he says mean stuff about our other friends too, and he is really rude but then SOMETIMES, he's affectionate with me Like, hugging me randomly and stuff. That's because he thinks I would like him. And that will never, ever happen. So, I don't know what to do. I am simply awful at getting rid of people, because sometimes he could be a decent person + all the years i've known him, me and my other friends would probably side with me but idk who and So do I ditch him? I HAVE gotten better though, self esteem wise, due to my friends on here + other things

[thegmangrant]

Originally posted by BabyCantYouSee

It's so hard for me to fit in and make close friends. Because like thegmangrant said, I'm not the type of person to party, smoke weed/do drugs and have sex... But all the people around me do that stuff. I'm also not those nerdy/geeky type of people too. I'm just there. I feel like no group wants me. I only talk to people when I play basketball/soccer. But I can't exceed my relationship with them after the season ends. I just never have things in common with others. I think I'm a very weird person and I hate myself for it. I'm trying to appreciate myself more, but it's just so hard. I only do small talk with people, and I hate that **** because I feel like I'm sometimes an introvert. I only have 2 very close friends, which I'm very grateful for, but they are childhood friends. I was different back then. If they met me now, they probably wouldn't be close with me.

Also, I'm kind of socially awkward around girls. Whenever I talk to a cute girl, I stutter or I'm just so awkward... And I know I'm being awkward. It pisses me off. I have so much to say as a person but I just blank. I think that's a self-confidence thing though. How can I change that?

Glad to know you could relate

It's hard to feel .... like an alliiiieeeeeennnn

But in all seriousness, I've started to improve by just being more confident in conversations. If people react well, then those would be the type of people you want to associate with anyway. People don't respond well, then **** them and it's fine - you won't have to deal with them if you don't choose to.

I have kind of mastered that down, but it's at the point where I am trying out how to initiate new relationships with people. It's really all about getting involved in events that require some sort social interaction outside school or practices, etc. Like in high school, when I made new friends (although I am distancing myself and pretty much going back to the way I was 4 years ago ), I started to talk to a different group of people in school, but then I joined Ski Club and those group of friends were in it and I hung out with them in their group. Because of that, we kind of hung out and that caused them to call me over Winter break and we all hung out like that and from there on out, we all hung out often over the next few years.

It was good for me and I still like those friends, but they're just not me and don't bring out me anymore, so now I'm trying to figure out how to start over again. I know what I need to do, but it's easier said than done.

It's funny because I do have all these built in friends from high school still because I go to college close by my hometown, but I'm distancing myself because I feel like I'm staying the same while everyone changes. Well, I'm changing, but just not the same as everyone else. I do feel weird and like an outcast because of that and that's how I felt in the first two years of high school and funny enough, in my first two years of college I've returned to that.

I don't know what my point is. It's good to vent to someone going through something similar.

Originally posted by Starships

They say that if youre not into weed/sex/whatever, then DONT do it, do not EVER change yourself to try to fit in, because that will mak you even more unhappy

Great advice

[Demiboyx]

Originally posted by Cupid

I'm from the UK, there are good gays around. I could maybe find some organizations you could join. I went to some LGBT groups which were fun and had lots of nice people.

Wow what a coincidence lol, I used to go on some sites forums for gay UK men like fitlads and it was just vile

[Demiboyx]

Originally posted by RideOrDie

My story is going to be a long one and it involves many screwed up things but it finally feels nice to tell them. Please, don't be harsh.

Think twice before reading.

It all started in late 2012. I was 13, it was the beginning of my teenage years so everything started to become challenging. One thing lead to another and I couldn't handle the pressure anymore. I'm gonna pass on the small details and just say that I've started to cut myself. It was minimal at first. I was depressed. I didn't let anyone know, I was scared of people's reaction. I always put on a fake smile when going to school. I forced myself to be happy. Deep inside, I wasn't. I was always the fat guy who cries everytime. I always cried with the music on. I always cut myself when I was home alone. I put my best effort to not let anyone sense anything. I was getting sick, I got addicted to pain killers and sleeping pills. I was socially inactive and I had completely shut myself out from the world. This continued for months.

Then, I had a breakdown. I went a little too far with the cutting and well, my arms and legs were all in blood. I had no idea how I've got myself there. I didn't realise what I was doing before it was too late. I don't know if anyone remembers/knows, but I wrote a blog on ATRL about comitting suicide when this was all happening. Anyway, luckily there wasn't anyone home so I had time to clean the wounds & blood. Fortunately, it was winter so the clothes were hiding. I had a rough time with the recovering process. It gave me extra pain instead of relief.

Eventually, I've had enough with all the emotional pain. It was so hard not talking to someone about it. So, I've picked three people from my class that I can trust and told them. They were nice enough to show support and talk to me daily. They cheered me up a bit for weeks. But it was just a phase, a phase that will lead to the actual disaster.

One day, when I was talking to one of three, we both came out to each other. And you know what I exactly did as a lonely, depressed, needy teenager? I fell in love. It wasn't simple "liking", it wasn't just a crush, it was mad love. We started doing things that couples do and eventually we became one. It took a while but he knew that I needed him and I felt like he loves me, too. In the meantime, I was eating healthy to lose weight (& I did). Everything started to get better. I wasn't cutting as much as I used to and I was happy. That lasted for a month.

When July came, all hell broke loose. He told me that he was going on vacation for 2 months (which meant the whole summer) with his family and he did all he could do to stay home, but they wouldn't let him. I was devastated and afraid but I needed to keep myself together for the sake of our relationship. And I did. One week before his vacation, it was 5AM and we had the crazy idea of me going to his house with my bike. (It's like roughly 6-7kms away) It was a nice summer morning and the sun was about to come it, it was all worth it. It was usual for us to stay that late in summer. I told him I'm coming so he didn't go to bed and I insisted. I've warned him about not putting his phone on silent. And he did. I've just wanted to visit my boyfriend and it was a wild but great opportunity. Instead, he went to bed, put his phone on silent and never woke up. It was a total of 5 hour ride. I was thirsty, hungry, sleepy and on the verge of getting hospitalized. It was very, very hot and my heart beat was at a critical rate. My parents were about to kill me because I've had put my life on risk. That was only the beginning.

When he went on vacation, we started to fight a lot over little things. I was getting jealous over everything and he didn't care. (I wish Beyoncé released Jealous earlier) Anyway, we fought daily. Not exaggerating, for two whole months everyday ended with a stupid fight and apology. He used to make excuses to not talk to me, he always tried to ignore me. I could see the hate in his every word. That's when I got back to my old routine and make matters worse. I was cutting, burning, starving myself. I've done every little thing to hurt myself. Every. Little. Thing. He didn't try to stop me.

After that, his vacation came to an end. We met up and forgave each other. We were still holding on to each other even after all that happened. We kissed, cuddled, did all the stuff we used to do like playing video games. It was a fun day until we were home alone. He started to go beyond kissing. I told him and warned him numerous times that I didn't want to do it that day. He wouldn't listen to me. He was holding me against my will and I was yelling and tried to run away. That's when he hit me. It was a hard punch right in my face. He choked, slapped, beat and forced me to have sex with him for about an hour. He was physically stronger than me. I couldn't do anything, I didn't want to do anything. My nose bled. I cried. But I let him. His face was emotionless. It was the most traumatic thing that I've gone through. I never told to anybody. I didn't talk to anybody. I never took help. I didn't left my room for days.

After everything was over, I learned from our mutual friends that he never loved me and used me just for entertainment purposes. I still see him everyday and he regrets nothing. He knows that I'm still cutting myself and he never gave me one apology about it. It was done for me. I am back to square one and it's even worse now. I have trust issues and I think that no one will ever love me. I am gonna be always alone when life passes right in front of my eyes. I'm a 14 year old teenager and my life ended before it's begun.

:/ \:

[Gabe²]

No one gets my way of thinking on RL nor ATRL
It's really hard to explain your believes when people say I make no sense all the time.
I really wanna tell someone what's on my mind, but I'm really shy and if I do I think it will change the way people view and rather them to view me how they do now than how I think they will later. Like right now they view in a way in this way because the things I do but if I tell them why I do what I do that view will go away but I'm afraid/sure that then they will view me in a different way which might be worse