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Discussion: ATRL Cares | Vent and Support
Member Since: 12/19/2011
Posts: 14,246
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I'm so bad at making new friends and meeting new people. I know this is a common complaint, but this has gotten to the point where it's so bad, that I have absolutely ZERO friends atm where I currently live. I have several friends in San Diego and Sacramento, but I'm so alone here in Santa Barbara (where I currently live). My awkwardness just really drives people away from me, I guess 
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Member Since: 9/15/2012
Posts: 22,487
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Quote:
Originally posted by coolcristobal
I'm so bad at making new friends and meeting new people. I know this is a common complaint, but this has gotten to the point where it's so bad, that I have absolutely ZERO friends atm where I currently live. I have several friends in San Diego and Sacramento, but I'm so alone here in Santa Barbara (where I currently live). My awkwardness just really drives people away from me, I guess |
Try going to gatherings and such in the area, you're bound to meet people that like you. I know it's not easy to strike up a conversation with a stranger, but just give it a shot. The worst that could happen is that they think you're weird and have already forgotten about it by the next day.
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Member Since: 5/28/2012
Posts: 7,065
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Quote:
Originally posted by AMIT
Okay lemme try this again, because the last time I posted this on another thread no1curred.
If someone wants more context I'll write it down on another post... I'm just not really in the mood rn.
So anyway, I hooked up with a boy recently in a trip I had with my friends in a way I never could have imagined (because life). He was really sweet and all, he told me that he isn't out to his family yet and was concerned about it obvs. He came to me in a very silly way, using some kind of lingo I didn't understand, but everything went fine either way. So we kissed a bit, then we went to meet up with everyone afterwards, got really drunk and then slept together (literally, we didn't have sex or anything). BTW IT WAS AMAZINGGGGGGGG
We hit it off pretty well, but then on the last day, we woke up, everyone started to prepare everything because we had to leave and stuff... and we didn't talk at all anymore... he never even said goodbye.  I was like OK then.
I came to talk to him on Facebook a couple of times. He's now traveling because his family isn't from here and he's gonna spend New Years Eve there in his native town with his High School friends.
The problem is that I didn't bring the whole thing up yet. He's like a CONCEALED book. I have no idea what does he want, if he wants to hook up again, or keep acting like nothing happened (  ). It's weird because he's college friends with my high school friend and we hang out pretty often still. Idk what to do honestly.
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I'd say either outright ask him what he wants, or just drop him. If he's going to be avoidant and not give a clear reason for anything, you don't need him in your life.
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Member Since: 12/19/2011
Posts: 14,246
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Quote:
Originally posted by Adem!
Try going to gatherings and such in the area, you're bound to meet people that like you. I know it's not easy to strike up a conversation with a stranger, but just give it a shot. The worst that could happen is that they think you're weird and have already forgotten about it by the next day.
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That is another problem of mine: I'm horrible with conversations. I can usually last 1-2 minutes before I've nothing else to say and everything turns awkward  This pretty much happens with everyone, even with my stepsisters/stepbrothers.
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Member Since: 8/17/2013
Posts: 20,947
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Quote:
Originally posted by Miles Caulfield
I'd say either outright ask him what he wants, or just drop him. If he's going to be avoidant and not give a clear reason for anything, you don't need him in your life. |
True, but like Cupid said, I think he's got some stuff of his own he needs to deal atm, I've been trying to picture myself in his situation and it must be pretty stressful for him indeed. I'm gonna try to bring it up the next time though. 
and I'm desperate so I kinda do need him tbh 
Quote:
Originally posted by Cupid
Well it sounds to me like he has work to do on himself. If he said he's concerned about his family and he isn't out and stuff, it seems like he has issues going on at home and probably isn't in the right place to start anything up with a guy. Maybe the best thing you can do is just be a friend to him? He probably needs support right now, in a friendship way. Coming out is hard. After he's dealt with his problems, he will realize you've been there and stood by him and hopefully things will work out.
My advice would be not to rush into anything or pin too many of your hopes on him, it sounds like everything has been pretty casual up until now. If you really like him and want to see if anything can happen, just be honest and tell him you'd like to go on a date or that you think he's cute or something. The worst that can happen is he will say no, then you pick yourself up and move on.
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You know what you are right. I don't think he has many gay friends as well, so it'd be nice for me to help him out on that aspect. I now think that's the best way to go indeed! It's dependent on him too though, obviously. I can't force him to be my friend.
I'll try to bring it up soon and see how it goes. I am trying to not to be too hopeful about all of this and honestly it is hard, but it's better this way.
Also, I appreciate you guys' replies! I don't have anyone to talk about this atm and I was freaking out.  
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Member Since: 4/29/2012
Posts: 29,059
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Quote:
Originally posted by I Am Music
My issue is I don't speak on my problems like at all no one not even my closest friends or family know about what I think or feel. You will know what I am thinking only if I tell you and even then it will be what I want to tell you.
I am open but not too open you will only get the surface of who I am while I keep the deeper stuff to myself.
I have times where I get depressed some days due to my lack of an outlet but in my mind no one wants to hear your troubles so why talk about them?.
I get asked all the the time how I am doing I could be a total wreck but you wouldn't know I'll just say "I'm ok" and go about my day.
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This is basically me but it's gotten to the point where I can't even have a simple conversation with anyone or even give them advice. I use to be able to support a conversation and have hour long conversation and make all my friends laugh with ease even if I was depressed but now I just can't anymore. I have distance myself from basically everyone I had in my life and I hate it because I see my friendship deteriorating but it's my own fault and I know that.
I feel like I can't talk to my friends because some of them are religious and will pull out "God has a planned for you" or they think that their problems are worse and I shouldn't be complaining because them being with 3 different guys who were all their love of they life in 6months isn't comparable to my "silly" problems.
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Member Since: 9/15/2012
Posts: 22,487
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Quote:
Originally posted by coolcristobal
That is another problem of mine: I'm horrible with conversations. I can usually last 1-2 minutes before I've nothing else to say and everything turns awkward This pretty much happens with everyone, even with my stepsisters/stepbrothers. |
I think you need to look for someone who just really likes to talk so you can just sit there and listen tbh.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 59,202
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Most of the time I'm an unhappy person, I don't mean to be though. It's just I spend my life in my bedroom basically, it all started back when I was in school, I had friends, I wasn't one of those kids who wandered alone looking for something to do (that wasn't until my final year) but I started playing Xbox and I started staying in more till eventually I barely went out. My final year in school was really horrible, I couldn't wait to leave, I was so unhappy as my friends who I would hang with turned against me and I realized they were the wrong group for me but it was too late then so I decided to stop being around them and rather stand on my own or do something to keep myself busy. So once school finished, I had basically no friends, only a few but I never really talked to them afterwards, not even my closet friend which is a shame as we are on good terms, but next step was college and I had no idea what to do as I chose subjects that my ex-friends picked and I was like "What am I doing? I don't like this" so I ended up not going as I was confused to what I wanted to do. A year went by and nothing changed, I was inside playing Xbox everyday becoming more unsociable and I still had no plans on college which made me more unhappy because I wanted to go college I was just too scared to go on my own without anyone to support me if I needed help etc. So I carried on with my everyday life and then found Tinychat and soon after Xbox turned to Tinychat turned to both. I've made good friends online just not in person with anyone, I don't think I'm a nasty person, it's just I'm not confident and when people talk to me, my mind is going at a thousand mph, trying to work out what the right thing to say is, it's like I'm a baby learning how to talk. The more I thought about this, the worse I got and it just carried on. I've tried to work on it and I think it's better then what it was but it's still quite bad. I think I've been clogged up in my house for so long that I've got tired of talking and seeing the same person everyday which is my mum and when she tries to talk to me most of the time I'll be like "I don't care" or I'll try to quickly end the conversation, I don't know why because I have nothing else to do. It's not all doom and gloom though because I'm doing an Open University course when I'm doing from home in Game Testing, however I barely study because I have no motivation although I really want to do it because it's something I enjoy doing, playing games. Sorry for this long paragraph, I should of written a book instead, I would of got money out of it. 
I don't know what to do now though, I'm not depressed, I've been depressed a few times but most of the time I do just want to cry, I don't know why, I'll be listening to a slow piano song (Lea Michele - Battlefield) for example and although it's nothing to do with me, the melody its self makes me want to... It's weird. I keep telling myself that I'm going to change this, but I honestly don't know how or when I'm going to. Maybe when I get a job it will help me but until then I'm not sure. I have one friend really and even he isn't a friend, he lives across the road from me but we barely see or speak to each other, we're both guys and we kinda "messed" about and since then it's kinda ruined the friendship... I'm bi, but no one knows and I don't think I'm going to announce it, I don't see the point... Unless I end up liking a guy in person, then I might.
Once again, sorry for this long paragraph, I just thought I'd write it down, tell my story. It's not like I'm doing anything else, I'll probably go onto Tinychat now. If there's people in the room that is. Thanks for reading if you did, if you haven't I don't blame you.
My story so far... To be continued.
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Member Since: 6/5/2009
Posts: 13,743
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Quote:
Originally posted by KingSebert
I feel really alone most of the time. I've lost pretty much all my close friends and I'm in the closet and I'm unsure of my future it just sucks
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I feel alone too. I have kind of learned to embrace it. I'm kind of a weird hybrid person. I'm not a drinking, drugs type person at college, but I'm not with the cookie cutter crowd either. I've always separated myself from friends that I felt brought the worst out of me. I mean, I still see people, but I keep to myself a lot more.
Everything happens for a reason. I encourage to put yourself into some sort of club at school (high school, college) or if you're not involved with any of those to involve yourself in an event or activity that interests you and gets you involved that share something mutual with you.
Take the alone time to learn about yourself too. I mean, you learn a lot from being around others, but when I'm alone, I evaluate those interactions, whether they be recent or past relationships. Sometimes my loneliness helps me realize the type of people I want to be around or the person I want to be.
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Member Since: 6/5/2009
Posts: 13,743
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Quote:
Originally posted by coolcristobal
That is another problem of mine: I'm horrible with conversations. I can usually last 1-2 minutes before I've nothing else to say and everything turns awkward This pretty much happens with everyone, even with my stepsisters/stepbrothers. |
It happens with me too. When I made new friends when I was like 15, it was so weird because these people were so different yet they wanted to be friends with me. I stayed silent a lot at first because I didn't want to say anything stupid, but I would still try to interject here and now.
I learned in my Interpersonal Communication class that listening is effective. Although for interactions to be satisfying, equal contribution should be expected, but at first, it's nice to let other people talk about themselves (in this case). A. People love to talk about themselves and B. You learn about that person or group of people and by learning and observing, you can learn the best ways to interact with them? Try it out and see if it works for you.
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Member Since: 6/5/2009
Posts: 13,743
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Quote:
Originally posted by JustLuke
Most of the time I'm an unhappy person, I don't mean to be though. It's just I spend my life in my bedroom basically, it all started back when I was in school, I had friends, I wasn't one of those kids who wandered alone looking for something to do (that wasn't until my final year) but I started playing Xbox and I started staying in more till eventually I barely went out. My final year in school was really horrible, I couldn't wait to leave, I was so unhappy as my friends who I would hang with turned against me and I realized they were the wrong group for me but it was too late then so I decided to stop being around them and rather stand on my own or do something to keep myself busy. So once school finished, I had basically no friends, only a few but I never really talked to them afterwards, not even my closet friend which is a shame as we are on good terms, but next step was college and I had no idea what to do as I chose subjects that my ex-friends picked and I was like "What am I doing? I don't like this" so I ended up not going as I was confused to what I wanted to do. A year went by and nothing changed, I was inside playing Xbox everyday becoming more unsociable and I still had no plans on college which made me more unhappy because I wanted to go college I was just too scared to go on my own without anyone to support me if I needed help etc. So I carried on with my everyday life and then found Tinychat and soon after Xbox turned to Tinychat turned to both. I've made good friends online just not in person with anyone, I don't think I'm a nasty person, it's just I'm not confident and when people talk to me, my mind is going at a thousand mph, trying to work out what the right thing to say is, it's like I'm a baby learning how to talk. The more I thought about this, the worse I got and it just carried on. I've tried to work on it and I think it's better then what it was but it's still quite bad. I think I've been clogged up in my house for so long that I've got tired of talking and seeing the same person everyday which is my mum and when she tries to talk to me most of the time I'll be like "I don't care" or I'll try to quickly end the conversation, I don't know why because I have nothing else to do. It's not all doom and gloom though because I'm doing an Open University course when I'm doing from home in Game Testing, however I barely study because I have no motivation although I really want to do it because it's something I enjoy doing, playing games. Sorry for this long paragraph, I should of written a book instead, I would of got money out of it.
I don't know what to do now though, I'm not depressed, I've been depressed a few times but most of the time I do just want to cry, I don't know why, I'll be listening to a slow piano song (Lea Michele - Battlefield) for example and although it's nothing to do with me, the melody its self makes me want to... It's weird. I keep telling myself that I'm going to change this, but I honestly don't know how or when I'm going to. Maybe when I get a job it will help me but until then I'm not sure. I have one friend really and even he isn't a friend, he lives across the road from me but we barely see or speak to each other, we're both guys and we kinda "messed" about and since then it's kinda ruined the friendship... I'm bi, but no one knows and I don't think I'm going to announce it, I don't see the point... Unless I end up liking a guy in person, then I might.
Once again, sorry for this long paragraph, I just thought I'd write it down, tell my story. It's not like I'm doing anything else, I'll probably go onto Tinychat now. If there's people in the room that is. Thanks for reading if you did, if you haven't I don't blame you.
My story so far... To be continued. |
I can totally relate! I just said it in a previous post, but I don't find it with crowds the way the typical college student seems to fit in (as least by my perception). There are some people I am still friends with, but only will visit with every once a while because they brought out this evil side in me. A side I still battle from time to time, even here on ATRL when I enter places like Stand Your Ground.
I may give you this advice, but this is something I struggle with as well. In order to be more confident in yourself, it takes practice when interacting with other and that means putting yourself out there. It's very scary and intimidating. Trust me, I know. I feel confident communicating with others in my classes, but I never take the opportunity to expand friendships and then I have end up staying in more and more and more as time goes by. I used to be very social and went out to hang out with friends all of the time. Now, not so much. A lot of times, I am ok with this, but now I find myself having little bits of social anxiety even talking to my family. Not so much, but just a little.
Sorry for going on about myself. I relate to you, so I wanted to share what's on my mind while trying to help you. Basically, I totally get the lack of motivation to be social, but something I have to remind myself is that when you put yourself out there, it is rewarding and totally worth it. As I learned in my Interpersonal Communication class, social interaction is ESSENTIAL to our survival by keeping us happiness. Happiness is important for our overall wellness. It's takes trial and error and that is such a scary thing to do. It's easier for me to say this to you, then to actually carry out my own advice. But it is worth it. I've experienced it in the past and am definitely going to try my hardest this next semester to create new relationships with others.
EDIT: Sorry for the post-whoring, everyone! I just relate to a lot of people's posts in here and felt compelled to respond
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 59,202
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Quote:
Originally posted by thegmangrant
I can totally relate! I just said it in a previous post, but I don't find it with crowds the way the typical college student seems to fit in (as least by my perception). There are some people I am still friends with, but only will visit with every once a while because they brought out this evil side in me. A side I still battle from time to time, even here on ATRL when I enter places like Stand Your Ground.
I may give you this advice, but this is something I struggle with as well. In order to be more confident in yourself, it takes practice when interacting with other and that means putting yourself out there. It's very scary and intimidating. Trust me, I know. I feel confident communicating with others in my classes, but I never take the opportunity to expand friendships and then I have end up staying in more and more and more as time goes by. I used to be very social and went out to hang out with friends all of the time. Now, not so much. A lot of times, I am ok with this, but now I find myself having little bits of social anxiety even talking to my family. Not so much, but just a little.
Sorry for going on about myself. I relate to you, so I wanted to share what's on my mind while trying to help you. Basically, I totally get the lack of motivation to be social, but something I have to remind myself is that when you put yourself out there, it is rewarding and totally worth it. As I learned in my Interpersonal Communication class, social interaction is ESSENTIAL to our survival by keeping us happiness. Happiness is important for our overall wellness. It's takes trial and error and that is such a scary thing to do. It's easier for me to say this to you, then to actually carry out my own advice. But it is worth it. I've experienced it in the past and am definitely going to try my hardest this next semester to create new relationships with others.
EDIT: Sorry for the post-whoring, everyone! I just relate to a lot of people's posts in here and felt compelled to respond |
Yeah I understand. I've been trying, I've had work experience so I've had to interact with people just once that's over I go back into my normal ways.
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Member Since: 5/17/2009
Posts: 18,731
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I know what I want to say, but I don't think it will make sense.
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Member Since: 4/24/2011
Posts: 4,998
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Quote:
Originally posted by ForeverNow90
This is me basically. My close friends and family knows I'm bi, but I don't tell anyone outside of my circle about my sexuality. And I don't have gay friends at all because the one I had told me that I'm just closeted and need to admit that I'm really gay. So I just stopped talking to him, because I'd rather surround myself with people who want to be friends with me for my persona, not my sexuality. You're right, if you're gonna come out, you should do it for YOU, not to please others  |
Quote:
Originally posted by Cupid
Great advice
I think you might have got a bad impression of the gay community though, maybe you were looking in the wrong places. There's lots of organizations and such where you can volunteer and meet new people who are friendly and not bitter. You'll find some normal friends soon enough.
fff @ me clogging up this thread, I can't help it I love getting involved with people's stuff.  |
Exactly, I'll come out when I've found good friends and not just throw myself to the deep end just for coming out's sake.
I've tried finding good gay friends but it's just impossible, maybe it's my area, maybe it's the UK, idk
Thanks guys
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Banned
Member Since: 3/19/2012
Posts: 7,835
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They still haven't reopened the blogs 
I need some mess in my ATRL life. Hurry up already!
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Member Since: 6/15/2012
Posts: 33,138
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Quote:
Originally posted by JustLuke
Most of the time I'm an unhappy person, I don't mean to be though. It's just I spend my life in my bedroom basically, it all started back when I was in school, I had friends, I wasn't one of those kids who wandered alone looking for something to do (that wasn't until my final year) but I started playing Xbox and I started staying in more till eventually I barely went out. My final year in school was really horrible, I couldn't wait to leave, I was so unhappy as my friends who I would hang with turned against me and I realized they were the wrong group for me but it was too late then so I decided to stop being around them and rather stand on my own or do something to keep myself busy. So once school finished, I had basically no friends, only a few but I never really talked to them afterwards, not even my closet friend which is a shame as we are on good terms, but next step was college and I had no idea what to do as I chose subjects that my ex-friends picked and I was like "What am I doing? I don't like this" so I ended up not going as I was confused to what I wanted to do. A year went by and nothing changed, I was inside playing Xbox everyday becoming more unsociable and I still had no plans on college which made me more unhappy because I wanted to go college I was just too scared to go on my own without anyone to support me if I needed help etc. So I carried on with my everyday life and then found Tinychat and soon after Xbox turned to Tinychat turned to both. I've made good friends online just not in person with anyone, I don't think I'm a nasty person, it's just I'm not confident and when people talk to me, my mind is going at a thousand mph, trying to work out what the right thing to say is, it's like I'm a baby learning how to talk. The more I thought about this, the worse I got and it just carried on. I've tried to work on it and I think it's better then what it was but it's still quite bad. I think I've been clogged up in my house for so long that I've got tired of talking and seeing the same person everyday which is my mum and when she tries to talk to me most of the time I'll be like "I don't care" or I'll try to quickly end the conversation, I don't know why because I have nothing else to do. It's not all doom and gloom though because I'm doing an Open University course when I'm doing from home in Game Testing, however I barely study because I have no motivation although I really want to do it because it's something I enjoy doing, playing games. Sorry for this long paragraph, I should of written a book instead, I would of got money out of it.
I don't know what to do now though, I'm not depressed, I've been depressed a few times but most of the time I do just want to cry, I don't know why, I'll be listening to a slow piano song (Lea Michele - Battlefield) for example and although it's nothing to do with me, the melody its self makes me want to... It's weird. I keep telling myself that I'm going to change this, but I honestly don't know how or when I'm going to. Maybe when I get a job it will help me but until then I'm not sure. I have one friend really and even he isn't a friend, he lives across the road from me but we barely see or speak to each other, we're both guys and we kinda "messed" about and since then it's kinda ruined the friendship... I'm bi, but no one knows and I don't think I'm going to announce it, I don't see the point... Unless I end up liking a guy in person, then I might.
Once again, sorry for this long paragraph, I just thought I'd write it down, tell my story. It's not like I'm doing anything else, I'll probably go onto Tinychat now. If there's people in the room that is. Thanks for reading if you did, if you haven't I don't blame you.
My story so far... To be continued. |
I can relate to this. I myself am NOT sociable, period. I spend far too much time at home and never go out. I also don't have friends. But unlike you, this was something that I've lived with since forever, really. It doesn't bother me, though.
And the fact that it doesn't bother me is what bothers me.  I WANT to feel something. I WANT to not feel so indifferent, but I don't.
As human beings, I think it's VERY important to feel. Whether it's being sad, or being stressed, or being overjoyed. I feel NOTHING. I never feel sad, but I never feel happy. It's a constant state of indifference and it perturbs me.
Anyways, back to your story. All I wanted to say was that I too am very closeted and rarely go out and I'm afraid of how that will affect my future seeing as I'll being going to university in a year and a half.
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Member Since: 6/15/2012
Posts: 33,138
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Quote:
Originally posted by thegmangrant
I feel confident communicating with others in my classes, but I never take the opportunity to expand friendships and then I have end up staying in more and more and more as time goes by.
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The sheer ACCURACY in this one sentence. It applies to me on so many levels.
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Member Since: 8/17/2013
Posts: 21,866
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Alright I might as well let some bats out of the cage
20, single, and never been in a relationship. Why is that? Cause I'm scared shitless of what's going to happen. I don't want to put my heart out there and have it broken. It's hard but I'm trying. Each time my mind says I'm ready, 5 seconds later it's back to square one. I also feel as though a guy won't like me because of my physical appearance. I'm not too thin nor overweight ( I'm classified as a Pup). It's just in the gay community that we seem to be focused more on looks rather than personality. Starting in February I'm doing the internship of my dreams and (it is said that) 50% of the guys are gay. I have a feeling **** is going to go down while I'm there.
Advice? 
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Member Since: 8/17/2013
Posts: 21,866
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^^^ And just as I submitted that I got a message on Jack'd
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Member Since: 8/17/2013
Posts: 21,866
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Quote:
Originally posted by Cupid
Put yourself out there Funky, as weird as it sounds, do you actually want to live your life never experiencing heartbreak? Isn't it better to find love and lose it then never find it at all?
The worst that could happen is a guy says no, then you just dust yourself off and move on. There really is somebody out there for everyone and there will be lots of people out there who will be attracted to you, but if you never try, you'll never know.
Sounds like your internship could be what finally gives you the courage to go for it! |
Being introverted has its weaknesses
Alrighty, this internship will probably bring something. I can feel it
And thanks for the advice
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