| |
Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
|
Citrus was snug tucked into his bed
Visions of Vision dancing in his head
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
|
Quote:
Originally posted by keshaspearsxo
Is Views a good album? I've never listened to a Drake album but Halsey gave it a shoutout in Tokyo Narita and I follow whatever she says
|
Eww no. She's probably bandwagonning. Take Care is amazing and his best album.
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
|
Quote:
Originally posted by feelslikeadream
Eww no. She's probably bandwagonning. Take Care is amazing and his best album.
|
"Told the driver "keep it goin'," he can run the meter
So we could finally hear Views on some decent speakers
Yelling every time the beat dropped like a cheerleader"
Would the queen of tumblr lie?
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Moonchild
Thank you for the review, pears. I think you've done well as a judge, and I've enjoyed reading your critiques.  I still think my song was sufficiently weird, but I've received similar reviews from three judges so I guess not. 
I'm glad you appreciated the lyricism! I'm for sure still experimenting with my style. I wanna be more pop-friendly at some point, I think, but it's fun to explore songwriting freely atm. It never hurts to be versatile.  Thank you for judging us! |
Thank you mama, I've tried! !
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
Ladies and gentlemen, we have our finalists...
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
ALL REVIEWS
Quote:
|
Originally posted by 8thPrince
Hugamari –
This is about your dog, correct? From what I remember, your dog hates thunderstorms.
Played through the eyes of a young child, the naivety translates well in regards to fear of common occurrences in the night, furthering the sort of “things that go bump in the night” storyline you have going on.
Unfortunately, I don’t think this reached the level of uniqueness we were pushing for this week. You mentioned how the song can be interpreted as a home intruder situation: instead of that being a subtext, that should’ve been at the forefront of the piece. I think something like that would be more interesting and true to the challenge than you trying to make the song more palatable by drawing on (admittedly hard to find) metaphors.
Citrus –
One of the other judges floated the idea of this being about a fetus slushy getting sucked down the drain after a botched bathtub abortion, but sadly I don’t think that’s the case. Would’ve made for an interesting song!
I like the initial mention of getting sucked down the drain and what the narrator experiences as it happens, as it’s presented in a literal way, which is interesting. However, the second time around when you use that same imagery in a metaphorical sense, the song begins to get more typical, which you would’ve been better off avoiding this week. The suicide attempt narrative becomes too surface-level with the bridge, and I don’t believe it was the unique concept we were aiming for this week. Perhaps an emphasis on the (What I assume to be) hallucinatory journey down the pipes would’ve been better. Your audience would’ve made the connection to a suicide attempt on their own, most likely.
Cheetahwings –
You’ve put in a lot of work to spice up this song and make it stand out structurally. Different rhyme scheme, unique sequencing of the song parts, distinct stanza length: but I feel that the most important part of this challenge, the concept, wasn’t novel enough, nor did the way you describe your concept come across as distinctive. At its core, the song is about a guy who’s bad for you, described as the devil. It’s not new ground, exactly. While that totally could’ve been an OK concept for this week, a really inspired metaphor should’ve been used, rather than describing this negative influence as a demon.
Again, I do appreciate your efforts to make the piece distinct in regards to its structure!
CountryBritney –
I think this is a lot closer to what I was looking for this week. Technique-wise, it got a little precarious this week in regards to meter and the odd adlib/parenthetical, but the song is so off-the-rails already that it only contributes to the feeling that the piece might fall apart at any second.
“If pretty is what you aim for…” is a great one-liner. The “leatherface on the fireplace” is also a good hook. So is “bodice out of body parts” You threw a lot of strange ideas at us, but the piece still had a pop sensibility with its catchiness. To point out a weak spot, I would single out your bridge, which gets a bit too bleak in its forwardness.
With a little more polishing to get the song tight in regards to stressing and meter, this would’ve hit on both our call for an exceptionally written song and a song with a unique concept. As is, it’s solid. You did well with this challenge.
Feelslikeadream –
Unique concept, but ultimately boring and not very witty with how obviously outrageous the whole thing is. The subject kind of begged for an over-the-top comedic tone, but it’s described in a manner that’s like a police procedural.
The innuendos are pretty lame and already played out, you even use some twice, like the gun/pistol line. The writing here’s just not as sharp as I’d usually expect from you, which is disappointing. I had hoped that anyone who couldn’t hit upon a unique concept would go for just writing a solid song, but this song isn’t that. The challenge may seem stupid, but being able to writing concepts that have never been done before in an engaging and digestible way is important for a truly great writer. There are thousands of songs about falling in love for the first time, but it’s the song relating the awkwardness and pain of that experience to wisdom teeth that sticks out (pun intended). Do you see what I mean? A novel presentation can elevate a common concept, the concept itself doesn’t have to be totally out there.
Moonchild –
You’ve got some metaphors in here that range from interesting to already been worn-out, such as relating a heartbeat to any sort of percussion instrument. I liked the mention of an IV drip, I think an extended metaphor based around something like that, rather than bouncing between several isolated metaphors, would’ve been more engaging, and give the piece better focus.
As is, the song’s very well written, but the metaphors don’t really dress-up the song to the point where either the presentation or the concept is novel. I could see this as a single for a pop starlet, which isn’t the greatest sign in relation to the challenge.
|
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
Formatting tributes is such a bitch
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
|
Quote:
|
This is about your dog, correct?
|
ipajfapfkj this would be so shady if Hugamari's song wasn't actually about his dog
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
Quote:
Originally posted by UFO
ipajfapfkj this would be so shady if Hugamari's song wasn't actually about his dog
|
Well, it wasn't
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 4/4/2014
Posts: 10,514
|
Thank you for the review, 8th. I'm proud of what I've written this season, and I've enjoyed the entire experience. My fellow writers, the judges, the last-minute SPRINT in my writing process. This has been really fun, and I'm sad that the season is coming to an end. I'm nervous for the results, but there's nothing left to do now but wait.
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
Well, it wasn't
|
Oh what
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
|
I keep getting dragged for being too blatant in my metaphors but if I'm subtle then Jackson gets confused. Where are my points for complying with the ADA?
Thanks for the review 8th. I planned a trip down the pipes first, describing the sewer and what not. But I scrapped that idea since Pears had so vehemently dragged that type of storytelling for me the last couple of weeks. All's well that ends well.
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/18/2013
Posts: 2,811
|
Quote:
|
Originally posted by keshaspearsxo
Undeniably strong conceptually - this is something totally different and something I couldn't have anticipated. You captured the challenge aim really well. You created such a unique character and concept yet the lyricism is still strong, and I love how it isn't just typical writing style, you really embodied the character quite well which makes for a strong entry. The pretty couplet is among my favourite lyrics of all I've seen. I don't think it was perfect but with a challenge like this I wasn't particularly expecting perfectionism.
CB, I've loved getting to see your entries. It is clear that writing is certainly a passion for you, and it's been awesome to be a part of that. What I love about your writing is I always find it very ambitious. If anybody is the #Enigma of this season - I'd designate it as you, because I'm always surprised and never particularly know what to expect from you. Your style is just great and always feels very introspective and thoughtful, something I love in writing which craves me to want to see even more. Among the remaining contestants, you're one of the ones I know least about - but you've always been a joy in the thread and I hope your PH journey continues after this season. Despite being the only remaining new player, you've certainly held your own. The best of luck to you!
|
Not me tearing up at a review  Seriously, as good as Swiftie is as a judge, and as much as I wish we could have had both of you as well as 8th, Temp and Jackson, you've been a really great person to take over 
I was really pleased with the 'pretty' couplet. And I'm glad I've finally had a line that I love, that the judges have picked out as well. Thank you for your review 
Quote:
|
Originally posted by 8thPrince
I think this is a lot closer to what I was looking for this week. Technique-wise, it got a little precarious this week in regards to meter and the odd adlib/parenthetical, but the song is so off-the-rails already that it only contributes to the feeling that the piece might fall apart at any second.
“If pretty is what you aim for…” is a great one-liner. The “leatherface on the fireplace” is also a good hook. So is “bodice out of body parts” You threw a lot of strange ideas at us, but the piece still had a pop sensibility with its catchiness. To point out a weak spot, I would single out your bridge, which gets a bit too bleak in its forwardness.
With a little more polishing to get the song tight in regards to stressing and meter, this would’ve hit on both our call for an exceptionally written song and a song with a unique concept. As is, it’s solid. You did well with this challenge.
|
Thank you so much for this review. Glad it was what you were looking for
-----
Let me just say, that I have loved every second of being in this competition. From learning how to actually make my songs work as songs instead of poems, to getting to work with some incredibly talented people and for getting honest opinions of my songs. It's been an amazing experience.
I still hope I get to the final, but no matter how it works out. Whether I miss the final three or whether I'm competing against two other contestants. I'm glad that it's with you five
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
|
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/18/2013
Posts: 2,811
|
So excited to see who the final three are 
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/18/2013
Posts: 2,811
|
No idea who to nominate for the Grammy awards.
So difficult when you haven't seen everyone's work.
Who's done a water song and a troll entry?
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
|
Quote:
Originally posted by CountryBritney
Not me tearing up at a review Seriously, as good as Swiftie is as a judge, and as much as I wish we could have had both of you as well as 8th, Temp and Jackson, you've been a really great person to take over
I was really pleased with the 'pretty' couplet. And I'm glad I've finally had a line that I love, that the judges have picked out as well. Thank you for your review |
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
|
Aww, I won't be here for live results/tributes  Congrats to Country, Citrus, and whoever else makes the top 3. (What if it's Cheetah and it's a battle of the three C's  )
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
|
The home intruder part was a joke fldsfjlhbsdf  I typed that whole essay as a sort of meltdown, so I figured I'd end it on a joke to not sound so bitter. Did it actually seem like it could be interpreted as such? My prowess as a writer!
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 5,500
|
Quote:
Cheetahwings –
You’ve put in a lot of work to spice up this song and make it stand out structurally. Different rhyme scheme, unique sequencing of the song parts, distinct stanza length: but I feel that the most important part of this challenge, the concept, wasn’t novel enough, nor did the way you describe your concept come across as distinctive. At its core, the song is about a guy who’s bad for you, described as the devil. It’s not new ground, exactly. While that totally could’ve been an OK concept for this week, a really inspired metaphor should’ve been used, rather than describing this negative influence as a demon.
Again, I do appreciate your efforts to make the piece distinct in regards to its structure!
|
 I definitely get the metaphor/concept isn't nearly as weird/strange/unique as it could've been, probably will end up being my downfall. I'm glad you seemed to like like the song itself alright though
|
|
|
|
|
|
