I shouldn't have said this. I met this guy on Xpeeps and all. We got to know each other for the past three weeks. He lives like 20 minutes away and we haven't met anything. Well, this past week my parents left the whole house to me and myself for the whole week. And of course this was my plan to meet him. So he injures himself and he couldn't come over. So yesterday, I was feeling lonely and depressed because we haven't met or anything. And I said "I'm so lonely, but of course you wouldn't know" and now my relationship is done with. I'm trying to win him back but it's not working. I keep telling him I love him and I want to be with him, but he says he's not worth it. I tell him he is. I dont' know what to do. I didn't even mean it that way. What I mean was, I've been lonely the past 5 years and he wouldn't know that because I haven't told him and he hasn't met me yet. He took it the wrong way. What should I do? I fu'ked it up. I'm such an idiot. Now no one loves me. This was my one shot at making a really good friend (or even more than friends). His past three texts were so negative that I just feel so mad and sad. I don't want to lose him. I really don't understand my life. Why do I always f'ck it up. I try to make friends and in the end, I screw it up. I don't even know why I'm living. But I am. Anyways, I will update this tomorrow and the days after telling you what happens. I really do hope we make up again, but it looks unlikely at this point. I'm going to cry myself to sleep now (I did that today by the way at 2pm, I cried for like 15 minutes).

And to truely show how much I care about him, I WON'T POST THE CONVERSATION we had on our phones. That would be very mean and cold hearted.

post it

No, I won't. I probably f'd it up by showing him this thread has it is. I'm going to let him figure out what he wants by himself. I'm not going to force him to like me again. It's up to him now. I did my part. I really do hope he talks to me again. I really will miss him. But...who knows. Time will tell.

Kevin, I know you're feeling a lot right now and it's overwhelming but maybe just try to rest for the moment and concentrate on this afterwards. From what I've seen on the board you're only just accepting that you're attracted to guys and trying to be comfortable with yourself whilst battling with doubts and now you're in a really stressful situation with another person. I don't want to sound insensitive but are you perhaps rushing yourself, even just a little? I ask because it sounds like perhaps you're trying to prove or really let yourself know that you are attracted to guys and that this will solidify it and perhaps take away some of the doubt or make that doubt lessen or make you feel better. But now the situation has hit a rough spot and it's making the stress worse. I'm not trying to demean your feelings for this other person at all, but sometimes in a situation like this you just need to take a step back to be able to focus better and see what you want and what you need to do.

For example, you haven't known him long and I know that doesn't mean you don't love him or vice versa but it does mean you two haven't known each otehr for very long and possibly don't know tons about each other - even if you might know more then other people in each other's lives. That's still a lot to fit into three weeks. What I mean by that is that you can't be sure of what the other is thinking or how the situation is likely to pan out because you haven't known each other long enough to take note of that kind of behaviour. Hence you're best bet is to just try and explain what you really meant, but when you're calmer and more able to say what you mean clearly. You don't have to leave it for ages, but it gives you time to word what you want to say, and think about things. I.e. how negative were his texts? Were they so negative that it makes you wonder if their reactions are too negative? Are you pressuring him maybe because it sounds like he may also have slightly low self esteem (the him saying he's not worth it part - unless he was trying to get some space) and/or he may be uncertain of the situation himself? You don't have to answer these questions here, they are just for you to think about.

What I would suggest is write to him properly i.e. not a text - or leave a message for him, whichever way you're comfortable with and you know is private for him. Apologise, show you care about his injury and that you understand he was hurt and so couldn't see you, explain what you meant with your comment, that you didn't mean to upset him and you'll think before you act next time, that also you were hurt by his messages and would like to talk whenever he is ready. Don't rush, push or pressure it and then know that you sincerely apologised, regretted what happened and learn from the mistake. After that it's his call and you're going to have to be patient and accepting, because yes, it might not work out but if you're going to even think about relationships you are going to have to realise that you will probably have to go through endings.

Some other things to think about - are you really ready for relationships? I know that people tend to think they are ready and totally sure their feelings etc when they're younger because feelings can be so strong but unfortunately most of us only ever realise the mistakes with hindsight. In this situation, you have the 'benefit' of knowing that you're not sure about yourself (oxymoron I know) but regardless of your feelings (could really be hormones - I'm sorry, but it really is a big possibility and when you put that with confusion and inexperience it's not a helpful recipe - plus it goes with the word 'youth' realllllly well) you should take some time for yourself. You have to realise that if you're unsure abotu yourself and unahppy with your circumstances, that state of mind will cause issues between you and a partner, issues that need time to resolve and not everyone has a partner able to go through that with them, let alone if you both need to go through it and what if some of that figuring out time needs to be done alone? That will only cause more hurt and confusion between two people in such fragile positions. You can't things like this, because they are underlying - they wont always just go away or solve themselves because you are or seem happy in a situation that they contradict i.e. if you were happy and convinced yoursel fyou were happy with your partner, that might distract the underlying issue(s) but for how long? Until/if you break up? Will you keep tryiing to hide them partner after partner? How much hurt will you go through before your really resolve them? You at least need to get to a stage where you are more comfortable with yourselve before working together with the rest of the stages with someone else.

You also need to remember that this is not necessarily your only chance or your last chance at 'happiness' or finding a good friend and/or partner. Contrary to what some like to say, humans generally live a very long time, much longer then most other animals and unless you live most of your life in a concealed environment you are likely to come accross a lot of people in your years ahead. I know that might not sound like much and all you really have to go on is your past but put it this way, if you want to have a chance of a satisfying friendships and maybe a relationship it's best not to reduce that chance by pushing yourself into things and perhaps pushing other people which conversely may push them away or you away from them (it happens alot).

Hopefully you'll both be able to resolve it amicably and Kevin, many people make these same mistakes so don't worry, you're not alone.

EDIT - I've just seen that you're leaving things to him now, well hopefully you'll both realise it was a misunderstanding and be able to continue being friends or at least move on without the negative feelings between you.

Thanks Adora, you never cease to impress me. I think I will just give it up on trying to make friends. It will never work out. Never. I just wasn't born to make any friends.

And the reason why I made a big deal of this was because I had a friend for like 3 weeks and it felt good to have someone. But now my life is going to be boring. I have nothing to look forward to now. I miss him.

Kevin, u dont have to look for friends. They'll come no matter what. It's inevitable.

Lol Liyoh has a point and it's ok Kevin, I haven't really 'spoken' with each other on threads here for a while and it wouldn't have felt right if I didn't reply here. I'm glad that you're not so pressured now but try not to let the pessimism take over. Remember that you have friends and correspondents here on PF, I know it's not the same but it's a start and it counts .

I don't know if frienships will never work out but it probably is a good idea to not try so hard, many people find that when they just relax and feel ok that things like making friends is easier because and once the foundation is set they can then later go through hard times that might come along. Lonliness is a tough thing but many, many people go through the same - kind of ironic eh - and many of them later find that it doesn't have to stay that way and things don't necessarily stay the same forever or until it's too late.

In regards to having nothing to look forward to - that's trick but can be dealt with by doing or planning to do things that you like or are interested in, something that you wouldn't mind doing alone even and you never know, you could meet people interested in the same things. It's kind of like this board but in physical life. The hard part though it making sure you do the things you plan. Or you could try taking an interest in something a family member does and try to get involved with it if they don't mind. That might not sound too thrilling but you like I said, you never know .

I feel like this needs to be told to you. I know its harsh but thats the way I am and you know that.

How and the f.uck do you expect to make a relationship with a guy that you met on XPEEPS. You're kidding right? He has his ass and other parts splashed all over that site.

That a good relationship not make.

Instead of feeling so sorry for yourself you need to go out and make real friends and stop crying around when someone is mean to you. thats just the way it is.

stop the crybaby ****

Exactly what i was thinking (although less harshly)

There are pleanty of fish in the sea.....
don't get hung up on someone.. .it's not worth it

go friend!!!

another guy is for you. I understand you because I'm near to your situation but don't worry, better things will happen and you'll be happy for that.
I've been lonely the past 18 years, in other words, I've been lonely all my life so don't worry

"DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY"

kevin

For someone that "recently" came out, you're speeding way too fast into things, me figures.

^ lmao. I personally think that you should move on man. This is not worth crying.

before u go start having relationships, u need to help yourself first. you are so unstable kevin. you keep saying "im so ugly" (not that i dont agree) "nobody loves me" "ill never have friends." with that attitude, youll never get anywhere. you need to seriously get over yourself. everyone has their insecurities about themselves, obviously you are still not over on yours. you better start on it instead of fùcking whining about it. its pathetic that u have to restort to online relationships. are you too scared to do it in real life? let me guess, youre afraid of rejection? wait thats not even a question. you are! you need to start taking risks. rejection is part of life. not everyone is gonna accpept you or want u as a friend. but somewhere out there, there's someone that will take u as u are. dont lose hope, just keep trying. and dont tell me youve done everything. its not hard to have friends kevin. you havent tried hard enough. sometimes, the ones you want wont want u back. honestly, i wouldnt want u as a friend but hey life goes on. when one's self esteem is this low, u cant be picky on who u want as friends or lovers that is. maybe that's your problem also, you're picky? no?! kevin get a job or something, start making friends, go out more cause obviously thats something youre missing, a fùcking life. start growing some balls and just suck it up! if youre ever down again, feeling left out and all alone... just remember god loves u. lol