Yes, I'll definitely be here to read it.

Thanks and glad to help out.

Maybe you could delve deeper into the relationship with the Dad. Right now I'm reading this as:

"There was a boy who had an awesome Dad but he died and was left with his deplorable step-family, whom treated him like trash. He's built and probably good looking, and gay, but that's against his society's morals. *insert love interest*"

I mean, I could tell you how this will go and end just reading that.

I know you're adapting this from a story similar to that but that's what separates a good writer for a great writer; bringing originality to an existing story.

Why does he know he's gay? Has he been exposed to these terms and feelings before? If he's sheltered, and society looks down on the practice, how would he know this? Would he not contemplate why this boy left an impression after a brief interaction? You should account for his ignorance.

Why was he even visiting them? It's said the family was rather wealthy, but it's never expanded on. Do they provide services to the kingdom? Is it important enough that the King and his son need to come themselves to discuss?

And the last paragraph let's the reader know the rest of the story without reading it. He's gay too, they'll secretly get together, overcome predjudice and sabotage and eventually end happily.

(Also, when is this set? The original is thought to be around the late 17th, early 18th century, but Rugby suggests more 19th century, possibly late 18th. You should try to include a small indication to allow the reader to set the scene more easily in their mind, but try and be subtle, like someone saying it in dialogue, not the author specifically telling the reader, unless you can do it well)

if she were a woman/lesbian... perhaps.



1. delve deeper into his relationship with his father: i can do that.

2. it starts off sounding predictable, but it's not going to be. but i see exactly what you mean. i intended it to be that way.

3. bring more originality to the adaptation: i can do that.

4. give more background to how he discovered he was gay, etc.: i can do that.

5. explain why the king was visiting: i can do that.

6. the last portion about the prince having a secret too = he's gay too: that is the intention, to lead the reader to believe the prince is gay and they're going to live happily ever after, but it's never revealed, and it truly leaves the options open for the future of the story. i intended for people to conclude that the prince is gay, but that doesn't mean he is... however, i see exactly where you're coming from.

7. figure out the setting: i can do that

thanks for all the tips! i welcome the feedback and it will help me make the story even stronger. that's why i posted it to begin with, to get honest and constructive critical feedback, so thanks for your help!

No problem. I like that you say it's intended to be predictable, but won't be. I look forward to reading further.

Btw, re-reading my posts I seemed a tad rude. Sorry about that.

Interesting.

I agree with several of Erik's suggestions.

As I was reading, I found myself wondering why the king was visiting the family (as Erik brought up)... That should be addressed. Also, I'm not sure if you intended this or not, but the way it's written now is a bit fast-paced; you jump through a large period of time in a short amount of writing. Maybe try adding more detail at each of the age levels so that it doesn't rush right to the present day/ gay stuff. Build it up a little more.

I really like the word play "Cinder Fella."

it's ok. lol. you didn't come off as rude to me. and yeah, i want it to initially seem a bit predictable, but i don't intend to take the story exactly where i'm leading people to think it might go. there have to be twists. ;] people think they know the story, but if i'm already saying cinderella wasn't a girl, the differences won't stop there.

there shall be more! i will definitely need to improve upon the first part as well, though. taking into consideration the suggestions i've received.

thanks! i'll see what i can do about that. ultimately i'd like for it to start with the present point established in the story, but i do need to give more of a comprehensive backstory. initially the exercise told me to do it in 300-350 words... the entire story... and i had too much of an idea for the story to do it in so few words, so it was a bit rushed. i need to take my time to flesh some more things out so they make more sense. i see exactly where both of you are coming from.

p.s. everyone wants to know why the king was visiting... hint: lillith is somewhat of a harlot. that will be addressed in my revision. this is not the same fairytale so it can have slightly more mature themes than the original.