Sit back, relax...and re-live the year's major events in music, thus far...
JLO & MARC ANTHONY SEPARATE:
Once a major 2000s artist, now bordering on has-been, coming off a divorce and massive CD failure? Sounds like Sam Ronson is in luck -- again!
Miss Jenny from the Block must have spikes falling out that ***** because she cannot keep a man. She's like the Cassie of marriage now. With the impending divorce from Marc Anthony, this marks her 3rd divorce (not including her other three high profile relationships that ended, including one engagement to Ben Affleck).
It's not all falling apart for JLo though. She helped boost American Idol to its highest ratings in years -- proving analysts wrong that the show would die without Simon Cowell. While the public showed no love for "Love?", her lead single "On The Floor" was her biggest hit in years, peaking at #3 on the BB Hot 100.
ADELE SLAYING
Adelephant literally devoured your favorites. She busted Britney's bum knee. Ripped off every strand of Beyonce's hair from the root. Popped holes in Katy Perry's breasts, and slapped the **** out of Rihanna so bad, that even Chris Brown blushed:
Rolling In The Deep slayed this year: 4 million copies sold in the US alone, and has sat a-top the Billboard Hot 100 longer than any other song this year. Adelephant gobbled up seven VMA nominations (Britney, Rihanna, Beyonce, Lady GaGa = 8 combined)...and this is all before the Grammy's next year.
While major CDs from Britney, GaGa, and Beyonce continue to fall down the charts -- Adele's "21" continues to remain in the Top 5 on the Billboard 200.
Katy Perry continues to slay radio; begs for CD sales:
It's like people just sit and wait for her singles to release instead of buying the whole CD. I bet if I walked up to a Katy Perry "stan" and asked them to sing a verse of "Peacock", they would not be able to, because no one supports her non-singles.
When was the last time you ever saw an artist strip naked so many times and it still not affect her CD sales? When was the last time you saw an artist promote non-stop, and still not affect her CD sales? Nearly 5 #1 singles....and still can't sell a CD?
However, E.T. is the best selling song of the year thus far and Katy Perry is on track to tie Michael Jackson's record of 5 consecutive #1 singles on the BB Hot 100.
Katy is also slated to ~***~ away as a huge winner at this year's VMA's -- ****ing, blowing and scissoring her away to 9 VMA nominations -- the most by any artist this year.
Kelly Rowland FINALLY Releases CD, Didn't Promote:
Kelendria Rowland finally releases "Here I Am" after dozens of leaks, tons of buzz singles and years of work.....only for the bitch not to promote? Kelly honey, you are not Britney Spears...you need to promote your sub-par work to stay relevant and sell more than 75K CD's.
Britney continues to be lazy, a laughing stock -- doesn't give a **** what you think:
Britney continues to be....nu-Britney, aka, a 75-year old grandmother on her anti-depressant medication during a pap-smear. Britney broke the first-day spins record with Hold It Against Me back in January (later smashed by Born This Way); then slept, fished, attended little league baseball games and weddings until it was time for Femme Fatale release day performances on Good Morning America and Jimmy Kimmel.
After un-inspired dancing in the over-hyped and painfully awaited Hold It Against Me video...in Britney's next video, "the bitch" was caught using a body double.
"What's practical, what's logical? What the hell, who cares?"
Later...Britney admirably pole grinded with Rihanna on the Billboard Music Awards, her first major awards performance since the 2007 VMA Gimme More performance had people saying gimme less...only to throw it all away an hour later doing a humiliating catwalk strut, miming two verses to "Till the World Ends".
It's not all doom and gloom for Britney, though. Britney is having unprecedented success with singles this era: 2 #1's on the Hot 100 this year. "Till the World Ends" peaked at #3 and is the biggest radio hit thus far of her career. "I Wanna Go" broke her recent 3rd single curse and is currently sitting at #11. Femme Fatale opened at #1, giving her 6/7 #1 CD's on the Billboard 200.
Searching For That Rihanna Reign:
Man Down - #59 on the Hot 100
...Still searching for that Rihanna Reign. Is the reign down there Rih?
...No? Oh alright. I'll keep searching for that Rihanna Reign:
California King Bed - #37 on the Hot 100
......Hmmmmm, is the Rihanna reign here?
0 Solo VMA Nominations
...Nope.
Sorry Rih.
On a lighter note, RIhanna's tour is finally stabilizing....and S&M peaked at #2 on the Billboard Hot 100 before the remix with Britney propelled it to #1. With S&M peaking at #1, Rihanna scored her 10th #1 on the Billboard Hot 100, tying Janet Jackson's record. Rihanna is currently preparing for her "rih-release" later this year. Rihanna also became the Queen of Facebook, knocking off Lady GaGa as the artist with the most "likes".
FUN! FUN! FUN! FUN!
It's the best, worst song you've ever heard in your life! The Black Plague re-surfaced in 2011 in the form of Rebecca Black -- who took over the world by storm with her song "Friday". Friday went viral in just days, and eventually gained the attention of massive celebrities like Simon Cowell and Lady GaGa. Rebecca Black even appeared on Jay Leno, and did a short performance of the song. Before it was taken down for legal disputes, Friday surpassed the 100M views mark on Youtube. Fun, fun, fun indeed. It very well may be the TRUE song of 2011.
I Wish I Could Dance Without The Chezza, yeah. US X-FACTOR:
Cheryl Cole is not known by the US general public.
Nicole Scherzinger is not known by the US general public, unless she's standing in front of 6 pole dancers and deemed The Pussycat Dolls.
The only difference is that Americans can actually understand Nicole Scherirkfkodofofodofddoodle.
So while Cheryl Cole was hired and even taped an airing of the US X-Factor, she was quickly sacked and replaced by Nicole (who was originally supposed to be a co-host). Cheryl who wanted to use X-Factor to help jumpstart her music career in the US, was publicly humiliated and abandoned by Simon Cowell, who originally fought for Cheryl's job on the show despite Fox executives disagreeing.
Cheryl said: Simon, Promise This, please don't fire me.
Simon said: I have 3 Words for you: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah -- I promise.
Simon said: Just kidding, it's not Better To Lie in this case, you're fired.
Simon said: You're going to need a Parachute for your falling US career.
Beyonce had a major leaking problem this year. No, I'm not talking about period blood leaking from her vagina...we all know she doesn't ovulate. Children are not in her agenda.
I mean, "Run the World (Girls)" leaked days before its slated release date. Even when the track leaked, it took her team 3 days to send the track to iTunes. Poor management -- Father Knowles must have been rolling in his grave...or in between the sheets with another mistress.
"Run the World (Girls)" never made it passed #3 on iTunes, and despite high profile performances on Oprah, and the Billboard Music Awards -- the song slid down the charts faster than...well....
Despite all the setbacks and poor management issues. The King B, got her **** together! Best Thing I Never Had is a Top 20 hit on the Hot 100. Beyonce's album "4" surpassed expectations without shady 99 cent deals, selling 310,000 copies and debuting #1 on the BB 200 (tying Britney's record of 4 consecutive #1 CD's). "4" debuted on top of the UK Albums Chart and is lighting Brazil on fire.
Beyonce was awarded the 2011 Billboard Millennium Award, and tore the house down with an "inspired" performance of Run the World (Girls).
Beyonce was also the first black American female to headline the Glastonbury Festival. Beyonce
SLAYED her 90-minute set. The King B needs a barber, cuz none of these bitches can fade her.
Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta:
This bitch needs to ditch the Haus for a HOUSE and sit the **** down. You're over exposing yourself bitch. Billboards, commercials, magazines, interviews, television, radio...youtube domination, social media slaying. Lady GaGa is ****ing EVERYWHERE this year. I can't even take a scheiße these days without thinking of her.
This ****ty **** raped the music industry with her long discostick. Her motorcycle ass ran right over 99.9% of the *****s releasing music today and there is no doubt about it.
Even Judas, which fell harder than...well....
....managed to debut at #10, keeping her Top 10 streak alive. And while The Edge Of Glory video was a hot ass mess filmed on my 2003 Sony Handycam and directed by Boo-Boo and MiMi from the New York projects, the song still peaked at #3...and some critics called the video "raw"....in a good way. The ****?
The bitch didn't fall here, she was bowing to herself.
Who the **** else?
Also, none of this would be possible without Amazon.com for their shady 99 cent deal, Best Buy for selling Born This Way with phones, major payola getting "Born This Way" spun at the top of every hour on major Top 40 stations, and for paying Britney Spears to be comatose the entire year.
Side Note: RIP Amy Winehouse & Clarence Clemons.
What did I miss? What did you like/dislike most about this year so far? What was major, what wasn't major? What are the major disappointments and surprises thus far this year??
