i wouldn't say it was something that has been said to me, but instead just an action and feeling that has been a recurring theme in my life lately.
that feeling of abandonment and loneliness when a "friend" does not talk to you anymore. i've had this happen to me more than enough times over the past couple of years that i've almost come to expect it to happen with all my friendships. i know that i invest way too much, far too early in a friendship, and i get punished for that when they up and leave, because i'm the one left so much more hurt than they are, if they are at all.
it doesn't help when i give off this persona that everything is fine in my life when it actually isn't; 99% of the people i know probably have no clue about my insecurities, my problems, my struggles i have in my life. suicide has been contemplated many times, or at least the thought of suicide, just so that i could imagine how people would feel if i wasn't around. would they care as much as i would if it were to happen to them?
because of this, i have remained skeptical with all my new "friendships" because i just don't want to feel that emptiness again.
Ok I was in 8th grade in a south american school (full of ****ing phobos and racist, descriminatory people) and i was happy there but i was the queer of the class room, they used to pick on me and i didn't like it so i decided to leave the school on 9th grade (the worst decision of my life) then i started to look for a new school and liked a catholic school (full of gays, *****s and drog addicts) well i decided to change my life and change myself and figure the way to be more manly, and at that time i was facing several identity problems and i was facing the darkest phase of my life, anyway i went to vacation to my aunt's house in Coro a very beautiful city and full of tropical greatness, beach a desert in the ****ing city it was awesome, i like it so much i love it, i wanted to stay, but the vacations were over and i had to go back to my house it was winter ( rain like monkey's ***) anyway i didn't leave my house for weeks and i started to isolate myself from the world, it was awful, i was afraid to leave my house and go out to the streets, i had to start 9th grade in my new school i was so ****ing nervous like never in my life, i went to the school, and i was so nervous that i think i started to walk funny and maybe very effeminate everybody was looking at me i felt vulnerable and lonely, and then some guy who wans't so far away from me said this: "You looked the new guy, HE WALKS LIKE A QUEER", I felt so ****ing bad like oh my god is going to happen again, that hurt badly, i was new and alone and that mother****er manage to make me feel like a a piece of ****, i felt a cold sensation in my body and i hold myself, when i get home i started to cry like never, i felt so weak, since that day i started to apart myself from people and wasn't able to open myself in that school, i never had friends there and it sucked becuase i was very confident and full of joy in my old school in my life in general, anyway i finished 9th grade and i'm alright now, i feel stronger than ever, and i can defence myself, i got an identidy and i'm happy, i'am a men now, but i will never forget that guy face and those words, i will never forget 9th grade sadly!
Don't take this the wrong way, but do you think she may already know?
Oh definitely! She just doesnt want to admit it. I mean im sure she notices how boys start to talk to me and communicate me after they get to know me. One thing about me is, once a boy gets to know me im like a poison that makes him weak whether he wants to admit it or not and I know she sees that because all my friends did as well as the rest of the school. She knows I take up for gay rights, weve fought over it plenty times the whole nine yards, buts its still actually SAYING it that makes you feel free.
In 8th grade, 4 guys cornered me in the back of the bus. One of the boys, said straight my face that I was a worthless piece of trash, teacher's pet that nobody likes. They continued to say things along those lines. 2 spit on me. The 4 girls in front of me sat there, laughed and watched it all happen. Still haunts me, and it kills me why those girls sat there and watched. **** was said and things happened all the time, but I never had the guts to tell anyone. I have always had trouble trusting guys since this.
I also have red hair. So I've heard about every ginger remark in the book, thought it doesn't bother me anymore.
I got that one **** back though. When I was on crutches when I broke my leg sophomore year, I tripped his ass in the hall way.
Oh definitely! She just doesnt want to admit it. I mean im sure she notices how boys start to talk to me and communicate me after they get to know me. One thing about me is, once a boy gets to know me im like a poison that makes him weak whether he wants to admit it or not and I know she sees that because all my friends did as well as the rest of the school. She knows I take up for gay rights, weve fought over it plenty times the whole nine yards, buts its still actually SAYING it that makes you feel free.
Oh definitely! She just doesnt want to admit it. I mean im sure she notices how boys start to talk to me and communicate me after they get to know me. One thing about me is, once a boy gets to know me im like a poison that makes him weak whether he wants to admit it or not and I know she sees that because all my friends did as well as the rest of the school. She knows I take up for gay rights, weve fought over it plenty times the whole nine yards, buts its still actually SAYING it that makes you feel free.
Oh, I see. I guess telling her even if she already knows could be astonishing to her...like you finally saying it would put a lot in a new perspective for her? Well....good luck to you!
Why so many Monsters in this thread, oh my god we are indeed very ****ed up, anyway i already posted my history, i hope you read i opened my heart
Stormy night come inside me like never before
Don't forget me when I come crying to heaven's door
I will fly on a challenger across the sky
Like a phoenix so you can remind them of the dream
I can't think of one specific instance where I've been called something that affected me deeply but of course I was subjected to usual insults but nothing really bad. I joke about people and stuff but I like to stick up for people when I see being legitimately mean to others.
i wouldn't say it was something that has been said to me, but instead just an action and feeling that has been a recurring theme in my life lately.
that feeling of abandonment and loneliness when a "friend" does not talk to you anymore. i've had this happen to me more than enough times over the past couple of years that i've almost come to expect it to happen with all my friendships. i know that i invest way too much, far too early in a friendship, and i get punished for that when they up and leave, because i'm the one left so much more hurt than they are, if they are at all.
it doesn't help when i give off this persona that everything is fine in my life when it actually isn't; 99% of the people i know probably have no clue about my insecurities, my problems, my struggles i have in my life. suicide has been contemplated many times, or at least the thought of suicide, just so that i could imagine how people would feel if i wasn't around. would they care as much as i would if it were to happen to them?
because of this, i have remained skeptical with all my new "friendships" because i just don't want to feel that emptiness again.
I feel like this too sometimes...when I got sick, everyone but my three best friends kind of abandoned me. Even though I got over them (and being ill), I actually find it dificult to invest in friendships now, though. But you're right about the statement of feelings can be worse than words.
