Quote:
Originally posted by RyanC
I am  |
This was a tumblr post I created a few weeks ago:
What has happened between us? We’ve known each other since 2006. You and I were only casual friends for our first two school years of knowing each other, but we still enjoyed being around each other. We had tons of laugh together, and we used to talk to each other pretty often. Then, in our 3rd year of college, you and I got really…close. We started talking to each other ALL the time. We’d eat lunch together, go out to dinners together, text, call, and message each other, and talk ALL the time. Then from 2009 to late last year, you and I told each other EVERYTHING. You knew about all of the drama with friends, all of the drama with my family, all about my family, all about my friends, all about my thoughts, dreams, hopes…and…you knew EVERYTHING. It was the same the other way around, too. I knew everything about you, your family, your friends, your thoughts, your dreams, your hopes…just…everything. You started dating HER last year but we were still close. I had nothing against your relationship, but I was…jealous. I was jealous because I liked you. But I let it go for you two to be together. My feelings faded away pretty quickly, but why did our friendship too? You and I were closer than friends. We were like siblings. In fact, we were like the same person. We knew EVERYTHING about each other. EVERYTHING. Then you just stopped talking to me, and after I tried talking to you, things got worse. You seemed to resent me for even accusing you of ignoring me. After she left you for that other guy, I wanted to ask if you were okay, but I didn’t think I could. I felt like there was no way to because we weren’t talking. Now I realize you must have felt like you couldn’t talk to me, because after that big fight in February, you told me that I hadn’t been there for you when she had left you. We haven’t talked in 4 months, and it’s killing me. I still have all of the texts and messages you sent me, because I can’t bring myself to delete them. That’s all I have left of you anymore. But things were starting to look up because I never talked about how I felt with anyone. I just pretended, after we fought and I said our friendship was over, that we had never been friends. But now that I’ve been revisiting it with one of my friends because she’s going through a similar situation, I’m hurting all over again. But what I hate most is not knowing if you care. I always thought you cared about our friendship a ton, like I did and still do, because you always used to promise me that I was one of your 5 real friends, that I was special to you, that we would be friends forever. It was dumb but I remember all of that. Now it’s gone and it’s heartbreaking to know that I still remember those things and I still care but I don’t think you do. But what hurts the most now is seeing you. Whenever we see each other at school, we both go silent. Just today, you were skipping down the hallway jokingly, but when you saw me and I saw you, you stopped and went silent. I did, too. I don’t know if I looked sad, but I saw a hint of sadness in your face. Or maybe I’m wrong and you DON’T care anymore. That’s what’s killing me. I don’t know if you care and I don’t know if I should even try to fix this.
But I know that you almost killed yourself. I know that you hate your parents and feel like they only give you money and no love or anything. I know that you and your sister aren’t close but you wish that you two were. I know that you feel that you can relate to girls better than you can guys. I know that you’re actually way more manly than you can seem. I know that you hate showing emotion because you don’t see the point. I know that you feel like no one will ever love you. I know that you’ve been hurt time and time again and you now close yourself off. But I know that you’ve become someone different than who I used to know you as.
So now I stand here, not wanting to see no more. I wish I could just blind myself, now. I want to talk to you again and see if we can fix this, but I feel like there’s no reason to. Last time I tried to apologize to you, you didn’t respond. Even though my friend told me to just say hi to you and try to start fresh, I feel like you’d ignore me or make fun of me if I did. And your friends hate me anyway. And even if they didn’t, I feel like you may not care anymore and that I’m the only one that cares. And that if you don’t care, then I’ll make a fool out of myself. But I also feel like, if we did become friends again, that things could never be the same again. What’s worse is that we’re BOTH going to Korea, to the same university. I remember you and I choosing to do that last summer because we wanted to stick together and make the move to a new country easier on each other. Now we don’t even talk so the pain will have to follow me to Korea.
I approached him two days after posting this (he never saw it, though) and asked if we could talk, and he said he never wanted to be my friend again and that it was dumb of me to think he would want to. I then found out that he had rebuked his Korean exchange right after we stopped being friends in February so he could stay in America once I went. But it's closure so I'm not sad. I just thought he was better than that.
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I just like my Hollister.