Originally posted by Courtney Love

Kelly seems to be doing okay now.

She’s been sober for how long? Less than a year? Good for her! But it wasn't that long ago when Kim Stewart was screaming, “Courtney, what are we going to do? Kelly Osbourne is blue on the floor!” Kelly wasn’t doing that well back then. For some reason, Kim Stewart also called me when Paris Hilton got pulled over for her last D.U.I. And Lindsay Lohan called me after she was arrested. The judge presiding over her case was the same judge who presided over mine. He was a very sweet man. I think he was an ex-alcoholic himself. I told Lindsay to just get it together and trust the judge, and Lindsay's father called me for advice every day. I'm not even that friendly with these girls. What am I, a junkie Auntie Mame?

Originally posted by Courtney Love

So how did you resolve the Kelly Osbourne emergency?

After Kim Stewart called I rushed over to help her—she was lying unconscious in the bathroom at Rod Stewart's house. I reached into her massive boobs and I pulled out a tennis ball filled with a substantial amount of blow and 80 milligrams of Oxy. I tried to flush everything down the toilet. But there was a person there who begged me to keep the drugs so we could use them later. I was like, “No, no, the drugs must be flushed! The West Hollywood sheriff is outside.”

So, it was kind of upsetting to hear that she was trashing me on national TV. Apparently, Joan Rivers ran a red-carpet clip of me on Fashion Police, and Kelly Osbourne kept saying I looked like a crackhead, which was really strange, because she knows perfectly well that I haven't touched a narcotic since 2005. In fact, I was wearing a glamorous Givenchy gown that was sent to me personally by the head of Christian Dior. I looked impeccable in every way. And I was sober as a judge.