Note: Sorry for this being REALLY ****ing long but if you're interested, please take it for a read. This is one of the saddest moments I've ever been through in my life and I need to talk about it since I'm too afraid to talk about it in real life.
I just got in the hugest fight with my mom. Me and my mom are really close but today we went sooo far apart. Days ago, I got really mad at my sister and called her a '****ing ****'.. so, I was already over it but there was still loads of tension between me & my sister. So my mom today, while we were all downstairs, is going on a cruise in a few days and said that she wanted a family meeting, and said it would be her "goodbye speech" when she leaves. So we're downstairs and she automatically starts talking about me calling my sister a **** and how it's not acceptable. So I get annoyed and sit on the floor, eating my spaghetti that was just made, and ignoring my mom when she would talk to me. She got pissed off and kept yelling at me to get up, get over there, etc. So I got up, but instead went out of the room and went upstairs quickly. When I did that, she got even more mad and followed me up shortly afterwards. I went into her room, where I was in before this, and took her laptop (since mine is still being dumb) without the cord, I also took my iPod and earphones. She went after me and tried to grab the computer away, but I held on and kept saying 'no' over and over again. We kept spinning around and around in a tug-o-war and she gave up and let go.
I went into my room and she was basically on her final nerve, I continued to her ignore her and kept my iPod and laptop close so she wouldn't take them. Instead, she took my phone charger and cord to the other laptop out of my wall and stomped out, leaving blurred words behind. After about two minutes I was already hysterically crying and feeling as though someone had just died or something. I told my friends on facebook that me & my mom just got in a huge fight and that I think it was time to confess something to her.
Minutes later, she gave in (to be honest, she was probably worried from how loud I was crying) and came upstairs. She asked me what was wrong and was basically begging me to talk to her and I didn't know what to say. She kept asking random/funny questions like if I got a girl pregnant or if I'm going to kill her with an axe later tonight, to lighten up the mood. I kept saying 'no' to all of them seriously, and then she brought up the question 'Are you gay?', and knowing inside that I'm bi, it hurt- but I said 'no', thinking it was way too soon to ever confess to that. I was going to confess about how I've been wanting to kill myself, and I was ready to do it- but once the moment came, I just couldn't.
Instead, she was trying to get me to throw hints at her at what's wrong, and she brought up if people were being mean to me at school, so I just decided to go with that - since it kind of is true, but it's always been at basically every school.. not just this one. She asks me what kind of names or what they've been saying to me and I said "ginger" and "fat", and she went on to say how she was basically in my situation when she was young and was always called those kinds of names, picked last in teams, etc. At this point, I could barely even breathe from how hard I was crying and wanted to tell her about my problems, but I was so nervous to do so. I ignored eye contact the whole time and to sum it all up she basically suggested that when summer comes we start working on a healthier lifestyle and for me to search up Weight Watchers or something to see what would be good for me and has my favorite foods but at lower calories. I said okay and she went downstairs and made me another bowl of spaghetti (since she fed the other one to the dog, and I got only 2 bites out of it anyway), and tears were still shooting out like crazy, and when she called me down to come get it, they just kept pouring over and over. Both my sister and mom said that they loved me and I said "I love you too" under my river of tears but I still felt sad and I felt that I wasn't opened up at all. I could've told my mom anyday that I've been bullied in the past but that doesn't change me feeling better. I'm still sitting here crying my eyes out, feeling like **** and feeling worthless.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Rock Bottom has officially been reached.
But I'm so sick and tired of having 99.9% female friends. I try to make male friends but I either get attracted to them or just get irritated. Mostly irritated though. I don't know. I need to become more open or something....like when my friends are talking about girl stuff I'm over here like...
. Justin Bieber could never 
I cant with you 
