Hugamari's Comments
Round 3, Batch 2
(lmao here I was thinking nobody was getting a 10 this week. )
Ceremonials & ughgabriel
Couldn’t find y’alls title, sorry. Anyway, this reminds me of Jackson’s entry from last round, but more long-winded and on-the-nose. (Relatively, that is, because the only blunt line here is “...they see such sacrilege in a man who lies with a man.) I do think this was very wordy, though. You used a lot of descriptors in this entry, and while it does help put a picture in your head, it also adds to the feeling of “Platinum Poetry”. If you were to trim it down a bit, I think it would go a long way. Moving on, I think this is the embodiment of what people expect a Platinum Hit entry to be, but not particularly what we want. Heavily religious in tone and relating to a topic most (if not all) of us could resonate with, but it loses its impact with every round. I won’t do too much on it since it’s only round 3, but for future reference: if you’re thinking about writing a song about being gay, it’s been done before and Achilles. Is already planning on doing it again, so you should really make sure you present your idea in a new, interesting way.
Auburn & Dylobs - Spider and the Fly
Okay, so first off, +1 for original concept. This, to me, felt like a dark-toned children’s book (this is about the biggest compliment I could give out if you know my taste), and although you may not get brownie points from some judges because it wasn’t an emotional story about being shunned by your parents for having a boyfriend in the 8th grade, I actually love this concept. It wasn’t overly complex in execution, which is an element that, to me, really works in your favor given the odd concept. Also, since this was Dylobs on here, it’s clear the details in this story serve a purpose. I want to mention that I really like the ending. I actually went and reread the whole thing after I got to the end, and it was like a new experience. <3
Moonchild & Aurora - Breadcrumbs
Well it’s short so it was easy to get through. I suppose you also have an interesting concept, but I felt you left it a bit too simple. It was a very elementary feeling piece. The biggest thing, to me, was that there weren’t any lines that really stood-out to me, or any moment that gave me an “ooooh” moment, if you get what I mean? It wasn’t bad technically, just plain.
Minho & 8thPrince - Longest Day
The imagery is nice, and you have a cute concept. The best I can do is nitpick at this. “Chasing traces of rays”, although I get the point of it (the repeating “a” sound), it feels like a bit of a tongue-twister, which doesn’t really have a place in songs unless it’s purposefully made to be a tongue-twister. “Very longest” isn’t needed; “longest” is sufficient. Whether that fits meter or not is a different question. The final chorus was a highlight to me, as that’s where it all came together. You did that nicely. Good job.
Jackson & Citrus - Vilomah
I’m torn between lines that I thought were too blunt and lines that I absolutely adore. For your sake, I’ll share some of the ones I thought were great.
“Maybe if I pray, tonight will turn to yesterday”
“...but if I had, maybe guilt would have a simpler home”
“...it’s you and me in separate beds, in a house of empty rooms”
I suppose you explicitly stated there was a crash...multiple times, because the judges would’ve been too stupid to get it otherwise, but I still think every time after the first was too blunt. Something else is that I thought the entry was very wordy, and I know there is a story here, but it still felt just a bit too long. This is still one of the top entries for this round, though, so way to go.
Swiftie13 & Achilles. - Under The Same Moon
Wow talk about a match made in Heaven. :’( I was SICK of seeing God in all these entries, but I’m going to just overlook that because you managed to tell a story without having an essay, and there’s still the pieces of writing that I like from both of you in here, like swiftie’s knack for emotion, and Achilles.’ way of making a chorus really stand out and sound genuine. It all came together so wonderfully, and the simple idea of “being under the same moon” has such a bittersweetness to it. That made the whole entry for me. Thank you.
Conatus & Gladion - On Christmas Days
“There’s tears in my years” made me laugh. I thought doing a Christmas song was fun, and it was definitely a cute way to end this batch for me. The only thing for me is that Christmas songs are really all one of the same because the idea has been beaten to death and will be for ages to come. In the context of Platinum Hit, though, it’s refreshing. As far as Christmas songs go, this one is alright. Not astounding or anything, but something tells me that’s not what you were going for.
although you may not get brownie points from some judges because it wasn’t an emotional story about being shunned by your parents for having a boyfriend in the 8th grade,
bitch i'm done you better shade the judges and 90% of the other contestants
Do Hor and I really have distinct enough styles that you could tell I wrote the chorus(es) just like that?
Quote:
if you’re thinking about writing a song about being gay, it’s been done before and Achilles. Is already planning on doing it again, so you should really make sure you present your idea in a new, interesting way.
My gay **** is so iconic, I can't.
It's true, though; when Hor suggested writing about a parent/child relationship, I almost said, "A song about coming out to your mom." I guess there's always next round!
and 
though
is my shady emote.
and 
are my only signature smilies but 
I thought doing a Christmas song was fun, and it was definitely a cute way to end this batch for me. The only thing for me is that Christmas songs are really all one of the same because the idea has been beaten to death and will be for ages to come. In the context of Platinum Hit, though, it’s refreshing. As far as Christmas songs go, this one is alright. Not astounding or anything, but something tells me that’s not what you were going for.
