ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Originally posted by Temporal
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Batch Two
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Announcement 2.0
Disappointment cancelled!
This batch was MUCH better, I no longer feel like this season is crumbling apart like I did for most of PH9. |
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1. Ceremonials & ughgabriel - The Edge of Winter
Okay I gave you a lot of comments, but they’re pretty much all nitpicks, don’t freakout. I liked this a good bit, my main issue was that the lines were a bit too long for song lyrics, and verged more on poetry. This was an issue I had with you, Ceremonials, last season, so fix it fat. Still, good job.
- “Open/Frozen” was forced
- “And it had been so long that I'd forgotten my fate” this line didn’t work with the others
- “alert” was a weird word choice, just the way it sounds is a lot more biting than the rest of your vocabulary which was softer; the super forced rhyme accentuated this. (This is a nitpick fyi)
- Chorus = Wig
- “consecrate” too many syllables; it breaks the flow
- “Heaven/Devil in” was kinda irritating? Idk it was just a biT of a reach for me
- “I find shelter on a cold, barren cave floor” you had another double adjective that wasn’t bad (“vast snowy landscape”) but this one was
- “A distant cry for help awakes me from my slumber / Beware of those who search for God but try to send you under” these two lines don’t really work together with the first line setting up a plot, and then the 2nd line completely veering away from it
- The outdo was good, but it wasn’t very lyrical; it could work if it was spoken though I suppose, but that’s a LOT of spoken word for a song
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2. Auburn & Dylobs - Spider and the Fly
This was pretty good; a perfectly acceptable entry. The concept was a bit shallow, and there were a few missteps, but otherwise this was fine.
- “Threat/Head” was super forced
- “Where you sit and watch and see” this wasn’t executed well with the double ”and”
- “A frightening beauty I can't ignore” I wanted a “that” between “beauty” and “I”
- “I may never recover from this risk / The girls of your past you do not miss” this was clumsy
- The bridge and outs rhymes punchedT
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3. Moonchild & Aurora - Breadcrumbs
fff at the length serving Moonchild second half of PH9 length. Anyways, this felt more like a short poem than a song. There wasn’t enough meat here, and the plot was too vague (which could’ve been remedied had this song been longer I think). I got the Hansel and Gretel motif, but again, this song just was half-baked ( ). I mean lyrically it’s fine, but I just don’t have much to give here.
- “If I got lost, the voices / of, "Why are you like this?” wtf is this messy ass line break
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4. minho & 8thPrince - Longest Day
This was pretty good, but it started out VERY rocky. Thankfully, it settled into a nice groove later on with the choruses being great, scalpT a bit (sans the last couplet of the 3rd which was meh with the rhyme)!
- “It's the warmest night / Once again I find myself in Antarctica” the “once again” made this really jarring, but I think this stanza as a whole would’ve been jarring without it anyways. “Lapis” was an interesting inclusion, but perhaps not the best one.
- “The midnight sun transforms the pole into its throne / The unrelenting light provides me no relief” this is such a mouthful and way too dense
- “I’m the start of dusk” too direct
- “Not a day passed where judgement failed to rain from the sun” you tried a biT too hard here
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5. Jackson & Citrus - Vilomah
Not y’all hyperlinking to a ****ing Duke University article 
Seriously though, **** y’all. This was the collaboration I didn’t know I needed. I’m slayed. Deceased. There were a few minor things, but I don’t feel strongly enough about them to not give you a 10 for the utter devastation I just witnessed.
- The final chorus moved a little bit fast from the bridge, it was much more of a leap than the rest of the song
- “The first time in a while your name had cast its urgent glow” the use of urgent glow here was weird, it makes it sound like the “urgent glow” was a recurring thing when the rest of the song doesn’t make it seem the most plausible.
- “Now I've moved into the guest room cause God knows that I can't sleep” and “Now I am not the dazzling wife I was when we were young” needed a biT more nuance
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6. swiftie13 & Achilles. - Under the Same Moon
The cliché of “under the same moon/stars/sun/sky” etc is one that I’ve always adored. I love it so much. This was y'all's first time with the Citrus-y style IIRC, but in comparison to the song before it, given that the format/styles/subject were very similar, this didn’t pack the same punch for me. Obviously, that won’t effect (affect?) your score, but I felt like I needed to note that given the context. This was a good song though, don't get me wrong, just short of a great one though.
- “The hardest thing I’ll ever have to do / But I'd do it again 'cause I love you” this was sappy
- “And I hope it's soon” a bit banal
- “But I always wake up to remember / I don't even have a single picture” this needed a rhyme to punch more
- The first stanza of the bridge bridge was a tad on the sappy side, but was still good
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7. Conatus & Gladion - Christmas Day
The collaboration that served Nicki and Taylor at the VMAs level unexpected! This song was pretty elementary, mostly due to the rhyming, but it was a Christmas song, so I can forgive it somewhat. In general, though, the concept was a bit too shallow and falls into the AIWFCIY rip-off zone that every Christmas song post-1994 has seemingly fallen into.
- Still “heart/apart” is a sin even in Rhyming 101
- “There's tears in my years as the sun's going down” “tears in my years?” What?
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