Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
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Originally posted by Cupid
batch three.one
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ceremonials - This opening verse honestly just scalped me. "as they began to brighten" I wish you didn't use "began" here. It sort of dulls it for me. "for the light of day" same here, light of day feels sort of redundant. Also, constellation and consolation is a bit of an iffy rhyme for me. Too similar. I honestly love the theme and vocabulary here, but I feel like there's a few minor word disappointments and dodgy rhymes. I could do with a tad more story and a little less repetition, but I'll chalk that down to challenge restrictions. Great job!
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Jaxswim - "since I seen you but I need you" no, no, no! This is terrible English. I don't really know what the story behind this song is. It feels rather generic/basic. I'd like to see you be more experimental with your rhymes and vocabulary please, and put some personal emotion into it.
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Legacy - "Loving you more than you did" this line triggers me, I don't like it. "and ended up dead, Dead inside your arms" Ended up dead is so... randomly blunt? Also, rule #1 don't use the same word to end a line as you do to start the next. The rest of the song after this was really nice, I wish you had taken out the dead part because it sort of sticks out like a sore thumb, it doesn't fit. I like the personal emotion behind this - stay true to that.
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8thPrince - "Odd phenomena follow" I feel like there should be an S on the end here. "I’m the loner who gets convicted" Slay, I love this. The crowds line in the pre-chorus is the only flaw there, it's too clunky. You had a really interesting theme and some intriguing imagery going on here.
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Achilles. - "ringing their toll" This triggers me. "For whom the bell tolls" - toll is used to describe the ring, I don't think you should put ring in front of that. It's sort of like "ringing the ring". This is easily one of the best choruses i've read so far. I'm struggling to find anything else I can critique, I really love how everything ties together, the flow/meter, the imagery/vocab, the rhymes etc. Let's just hope you haven't peaked too early.
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Borderline - This was an interesting one for me. You have a unique and interesting theme, and you clearly know how to make a song flow nicely. On the flip side there was a lot of repetition "innocent/passing", a lot of points were repeated "youth/young/kids" etc. I think you could have expanded more on some of the themes here. But definitely a good start to the game!
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DripDrip - "that left the water get full" what? "torchure" what? Torture? I honestly wish you just started with the last 4 lines because they slayed me. The rest left me really confused.
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minho - I could definitely hear this being sung. Maybe one of the most pop-ready entries so far. I'll be honest the theme/imagery didn't do much for me here. The middle of the song was probably my favourite. The chorus is rather generic. Great flow though.
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TheCheetahWings - What a great opening verse! My one criticism: "You said “You don’t belong in this place” I wish you would have replaced the second "you" with "we" or something else, similarly to how you did in Verse 2. The bridge tore off my wig. I'd like if you didn't repeat two lines in the chorus, but that's a minor gripe. Today I regret the day I put this wig on.
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OreGuy - This was rather disappointing, did you sent to a mentor first? The English wasn't the best and there was no story really behind the generic phrases. Going forward, I think you need to identify a certain moment or story in your life and go into more detail, avoid the cliches, use the mentors and other players help to refine your meter/vocabulary.
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wow this beyonce tea!
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