tbh mine doesn't even serve song and my lashings will be universal but I'm fine with that; I have nowhere to go but up and I'm gonna apply all my criticisms next round
No More Crying
Scorching blazes surround the rubble around me
Dejection as far as the eye can see
Leashed torture's a normality
I drown out the noises of lunatics with miracle sweets
I detect the wild jaguars before my journey to paradise
A little girl's a casualty of a firmly ignited family war
Her existence is a mere nuisance to terrorize
Rejection is the prime melody of her heartstrings
Her and depression develop a tight camaraderie
Caressing her body with tight tethers
Her sanity slowly depletes while hearing the screams
The embrace of the girl's best friend tightens
As she discovers freedom is an unattainable measure
Amidst emotional turmoil she finds a shining pill sideboard
Every pill is downed as grim fate verges
The parents sprint as a rescue squad to find they're late
They never got to explain their love for her
Explanation
I really wanted to make my first entry (and my first song ever) a very dark and personal story inspired by my abusive parents. I wanted to be able to tell a heartbreaking story in 140 words. The girl in the story represents me; although it isn't completely accurate to real life. At the beginning of my entry I started out with a suicide in 1st person to show off the girl's perspective while using language such as ''miracle sweets'', ''wild jaguars'', etc to showcase how mentally unhinged she is and how she perceives reality. I then cut to (past?) tense to show off a story of how that came to be, with a heartbreaking ending in 3rd person to show off a different perspective that contrasts with my beginning. If this was an actual song, I would definitely utilize my tone of voice and studio equipment to aid with my transition from the beginning.
Finally, my title may be my favorite part of the entry because of how depressing and solemn it is. When reading the title, you would probably think that this is some uplifting anthem but in reality it's named No More Crying because you can't cry anymore when you're dead.
This song feels like a breakthrough of sorts. A sacrificial lamb of sorts to get the juices flowing again. I've now got lots of song ideas just coming to my head and feel more motivated.
aw thank you it's the first song/poem/creative writing/whatever i've ever written and I've been dragging myself on so many aspects cause with literally anything in general I expect to be godly when I first begin and then when I'm not I get super down about it. (and i know that's irrational) it's nice to know someone sees potential though
the Temporal review helped me a lot, I didn't realize I had so many mistakes even tho I sent the song to several other contestants to just get an ''I like it'' maybe they didn't see the mistakes as Temporal did, but anyway I will try to get better for the next challenge
the Temporal review helped me a lot, I didn't realize I had so many mistakes even tho I sent the song to several other contestants to just get an ''I like it'' maybe they didn't see the mistakes as Temporal did, but anyway I will try to get better for the next challenge
I really had a lot of questions about my writing because yeah, English is not my first language, and no one said anything so I thought it was good but I will try to get a Mentor to read the song next time
the Temporal review helped me a lot, I didn't realize I had so many mistakes even tho I sent the song to several other contestants to just get an ''I like it'' maybe they didn't see the mistakes as Temporal did, but anyway I will try to get better for the next challenge
loved your critic
Send your song to me next round. I'm famous for being honest and knowledgeable