Tournament: 💎 DIAMOND HIT 💎 - Page 123

jpow

Sent my song - I'm imagining it as a futuristic jazz electronica but I know it'll be dragged.

See y'all in PH11!

Moonchild

Quote:

Originally posted by Tymps.

@everyone I need someone to write lyrics for a melody I just came up with, if you do it I'll actually mentor you

Send it!

Tymps.

Quote:

Originally posted by Tymps.

@everyone I need someone to write lyrics for a melody I just came up with, if you do it I'll actually mentor you

Bump, it's like a jazz-infused happy pop song about love (I know I was complaining about love songs last night in Dubtrack but I only hold other people up to those standards not myself!!)

This is the chorus melody: http://vocaroo.com/i/s0sVD6CjzDo6 excuse the singing

PhreshDiamond

Quote:

Originally posted by Temporal

Temporal's Batch One and Two Reviews[/color]

Well, this entry was quite sassy.

- “Hetero heels clack on the pavement” automatic 0 since heels are always gay
- “Gassing about all my achievements” who tf “gasses” about their achievements? You ain’t slick with the Weezing reference either!
- “Back to the main event I’m leading, apologies to those competing.” wait this was low key a good couplet

Thanks for the kiis!

[/font]

gassing = gossiping

its an English slang word, people gossiping/chatting about my achievements, not my own, thought it would be cute with the koffing and weezing reference

I'm shocked I got one positive comment

Temporal

^ Let me give you a little score bumP for gassing. I understand the dialect barrier can be a bitch so I don't want to penalize you for it.

keshaspearsxo

If ur actually going to just text it to me my inbox is swamped more than cupid's ass

Jaxswim

So am I in batch 3?

SaintWest

Quote:

Originally posted by Temporal

2. SaintWest - Bulletproof
You spelled your title “BULLTEPROOF” in the PM sahfjs Proofreading is essential kids! Anyways, your flow and rhyme scheme were good, which puts you in a good place for the round, but the concept - or at least the way you delivered it - was a bit shallow. The rhymes were also a bit predictable ("Shield/Heal" and "Pain/Veins").

- “But pain is never broken” was a weird line to say at the least. It seems a bit redundant since pain can’t be broken? I just don’t get what you were going for here.
- “I try not to let them keep me down / But I love their words more than I love myself” Again, I’m confused: this makes it seem like the words are negative, but you love them? I can see that you may have been going for a poetic paradox here, but it doesn’t make sense.
- “Oh look, I lied again” was clunky and too colloquial.

This was decent/good, hoping to see some more improvement in the coming weeks!

Mess over me misspelling the title.

But I'll take "decent" over a full on drag!

Just for funs, "But pain is broken" was supposed to kind of refer to the idea that some people think they can get rid of, or breakaway, from the pain over a certain situation, but we never really get over/breakaway from pain, it only lingers, haunting us when we're reminded of it. Could've been made way clearer, but now I know for next time.

And "I try not to let them keep me down/But I love their words more than I love myself" was just more of a response to when people say things like "Why do you let what they say affect you?" It's the idea that you stay hurt because you value what others thing/say about you more than you value what you think of yourself. Again, next time I'll do better.

Goodluck to the next batches.

PhreshDiamond

Quote:

Originally posted by Temporal

^ Let me give you a little score bumP for gassing. I understand the dialect barrier can be a bitch so I don't want to penalize you for it.

scream thanks

Let me rise from dirt bottom to slightly less dirt bottom

beatinglikeadrum

My song was about leaving somebody bc you know it won't work cause this person it's too good for you.
You love this person and you're not afraid to face the pain for higher level of love.

swiftie13

wow thnx Temporal. I agree about the flow not being your standard lyrical flow but I was just trying new things, welp

keshaspearsxo

Quote:

Originally posted by Jaxswim

So am I in batch 3?

Yes

Jaxswim

Quote:

Originally posted by keshaspearsxo

Yes

batch 3 represent

get to it Tempura

jpow

Quote:

Originally posted by keshaspearsxo

Yes

is this me too or is there a batch four

swiftie13

wait just changed "we kept on growing" to "we kept on flourishing" welp, flows better and i like it more

swiftie13

A Sunflowers Dance

A Sunflower’s Dance

Her feet have burns from desert sands
Upon which she built sandcastles
Until she could afford some land
There, she built a home

A humble home with a warmth
To shelter all her children
From the cold of the outside world
That wasn’t ours to own

Immigrant hands, scarred with all they let go
Cultivated a garden
An alchemist, she planted gold
Out of what seemed nothing

A garden grown with sacrifices
That weren't yet obvious to me
Sacrifices I’ll justify
So she can rest easy

Her tired eyes poured out rain
Nurturing the garden
Despite the neighbor’s complaints
We kept on flourishing

Her sights are set beyond the fence
Where glory takes the form
Of a sunflower's dance
And to this day, she reminds us

Petal by petal
They’ll pull you apart
Look to the sunflowers
Avoiding the dark

Petal by petal
They’ll pull you apart
Look to the sunflowers
Avoiding the dark

Beyond the fence
Glory takes the form
Of a sunflower's dance

Explanation:

First of all, excited to participate in platinum hit once again. Thanks for judging!

Anyway, this entry is about my experience as an immigrant's son and how I watched my mom fight for what we have now. I'll never be able to thank her enough for all she did despite every circumstance being against her (abusive husbands, being illegal, being a woman of color in America, having difficulty with English, you name it). The desert sands alludes to her literally crossing the desert when she immigrated from Mexico to the United States (I trust you all won't contact ICE) where she found temporary living situations (sandcastles) before finally finding a permanent home, and it wasn't until then that my father brought my sister and I to the US again and we finally reunited with her (happiest day of my life). I saw the constant struggles and constant harassment from our neighbors (we lived in a nosy development in Southern Delaware, oh god). Yet here we are, I'm in college, we have a better home, stable income, and Trump ain't taking her anywhere even over my dead body. She and I bond over gardening and sunflowers are our favorite flower (do you get my obsession with mothers and sunflowers now?) and we used to obsess over other gardens over fences because our yard was too small to have one, but now we grow a beautiful one every year. She has also always reminded us (and has set the perfect example) to look towards the light because focusing on the negative will only set us back. Sunflowers represent that, both a literal and symbolic way for me, with their little dance following the sun being equal to mom focusing on the positive and getting ahead in life.

Achilles.

Swigie your poem is so beautiful.

And your explanation.

----

I want "Mr. Owl ain't **** 'cause I can suck for years" printed on a t-shirt.

PhreshDiamond

Did anyone complete the list of Hugamari's picture hints? I can't work out which of the bottom ones are mine

MattyTacos

Swiftie that was so touching

swiftie13

Quote:

Originally posted by Achilles.

Swigie your poem is so beautiful.

And your explanation.

drag

thank you Matty