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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Batch 2
Quote:
16. Musickid203 - Tenfold
"What's are we now"  This was a mixed bag. Phenomenal chorus and good bridge, but lackluster verses. Throughout, however, you had an interesting rhyme scheme! In the first verse, "Haze/decayed" was really forced, while the "away" line was super predictable ("Haze/Daze" was super forced in the second verse as well). The SECOND stanza of the first verse, however, was really great, particularly the first two lines. In general, though, your verses had predictable rhymes with the occasionally forced rhyme. For the bridge, the "crumb" line was really awkward; I get that you were alluding to the chorus, but I wouldn't describe a relationship as breaking down into crumbs. I think you did a good job with the type, but this didn't have an extra level to it conceptually, which is what I'd like to see from you next week!
17. HausofNiko - Double On Tundra
What is with the castles and kings this round? Water imagery whew? Anyways, this #slayed Post-Man or whatever it was. Definitely your best solo song. That being said, there were still some "Niko" issues: stressing in the first verse was really wacky ("stranded/within", "king/happy"), and some of the syllable counts/meter got off (the "glaciers" line especially, but also the "vacant heart" line). You used the phrase "little did I know..." like you were going to directly lead us into something, but instead you used more setup in the pre-chorus, in other words, "little did I know... my heart is frozen solid" didn't read correctly at all. The rhymes were pretty simple throughout, but there weren't any particularly egregious. Finally, you kinda abandoned the castle/king metaphor, only using it in the bridge and first stanza. Still, this was a pretty proficient entry, please keep this level of work up, it's exciting.
18. jpow - Mataya
Alright, reading over this I kind of scalped you but your score or song wasn't really that bad. Just keep that in mind You did NOT need to say that you were at the bottom of the ocean THREE times in THREE lines  That was agg. If you're under the ocean a "flood" wouldn't sweep you away, I don't think that your song takes place in the Spongebob world where you have water in water  We need a better term for this as a panel, but these non-poetic, just straight up talk lines like "I’m starting to finally feel free" and "All I want to do is give up" are one of my pet peeves; you're writing a song not sending a text if that makes sense. I really liked the chorus, specifically the "Ocean's Halls" lyric, and you did nice job with your type. You should continue with your relatively minimalist style, but don't straight up talk to your audience!
19. theCheetahWings - Machine
WHY do people sleep on you? I don't get it. You're such a good writer, people need to start taking you as a threat. You've pretty quickly become one of my favorite writers this season. Anyways, enough eating your ass like a cupcake: the AAAAA chorus was just begging for forced rhymes, and it delivered! They weren't egregiously forced, but when you have a rhyme scheme that strict, you're terribly bound to its whim, and there aren't enough rhymes with "Gold" etc. for you to be able to deliver the punches that you could should you have chosen a different rhyme scheme with more freedom. The same is true for the bridge, but to a lesser degree. Some of the vocabulary felt a bit unnecessary as well, but for the challenge, I'll let it slide. Should you record this or whatever, I'd try to dumb it down a bit. Great job!
20. ughgabriel - Nocturnal
Label song structures pls. The chorus  I should drag you for that excessive vocabulary but the flow and the lyrics themselves there were SO good! "My onyx dove" was breathtaking. My only real issue with this entry all come back to word choice. For example, I cannot believes "illumes" is a word  The verses, in general, got super dense because of these massive words that you chose when they perhaps weren't practical; though not exactly a "massive", "Caressed" with fangs doesn't make sense either, even for all of its value in prose. You strayed a bit from Dark-type to Rock-type in this IMO, but it wasn't anything major enough for me to hit you with a point deduction. I hate you for the word choices, but I hate even more that they still work for me. I'm 100% sure the other judges will disagree, though!
21. Buyonce1814 - Lightning
This read like a Sparknote. The choppiness of the structure made this feel incomplete, ex. "Lonely heart, lonesome sleeps" (sleeps as a noun was really weird), "Blown out fuse, faded blues" and "Discharged our love, I've paid my dues." Really every problem I have with that comes to that issue. Your prose itself wasn't bad, and this was a sufficient entry for the challenge, but because of the choppiness, I can't really get into the nitty gritty.
22. Lucky#17 - Stranger
"It’s got me so shook" I screamed My thoughts on this are pretty succinct: your chorus was great, but the verses were lacking; too much telling and not enough showing (ex. "I try to sympathize, but my emotion is lax."), and that was by far the biggest problem for me. I didn't really get Psychic from this either. I liked the little Edison inclusions or whatever they were! I'm still waiting for you top... well, "Waiting." You can be simplistic and poetic at the same time, and that's the balance you need to strike.
23. Tylerbv - From the Ground Up
I really liked the structure of the chorus and the repetition of "You built me from the ground up." This got better generally as it went on: the super literal description of you being a lot of land and watching others was not appealing and bland. I'm glad that you moved towards the house metaphor, which is much more poetic than a bunch of socially aware dirt. I want you to take some more risks with your lyrics, go for images that we wouldn't expect (while remaining poetic of course), and reach for language that you and I wouldn't expect. That's my advice/challenge to you for next week.
24. Ceremonials - Anchor
You took my advice from last week and it worked, YAS! "You told me to be your anchor / I knew that meant I had to drown" I ooo'd at this couplet! Brilliant! The verses/pre-chorus were easily the best parts of your song while the chorus was the weakest. The first verse was ALMOST flawless except for the "washed away like dust" line since that similie was a bit of a reach. The chorus was bland with the "I can't be your saviour" line (I've literally heard/read that exact line approx. 478,376 times), and I didn't like the conclusive nature of the last couplet there (which seems to be a thing you love to do; that couplet SCREAMED "Ceremonials" to me). This was short, sweet, and effective. Don't know why you were shook.
25. Moonchild - Statue
I don't really have much feedback or advice to give you since this was all there essentially. I think you could've been a tad more specific about what specifically was "molding" the narrator, was it society in general or something more specific, say the school system? The rhymes were simple, but you managed to avoid forced rhymes, so I can't knock you too hard for that! I think you could up the vocabulary and adjectives a tad; a really detailed description of the statue/rock would've made this punch a bit more (find a happy medium between this and your entry last week). Still, another great entry.
26. ausdaniel - Dragon
Label song structures pls. I adored the concept, and for something that you threw together just 2 hours before the deadline, it wasn't half bad. The execution was too simplistic, though, for the example the first four lines of the chorus and the bridge. You played it safe and for what it's worth, it worked, but ignoring the circumstance it fell flat. Was there not a rhyme scheme in the first stanza? That was the most jarring part of the song for me. I'll just assume that you'll do better next week!
27. Element - Apathetic Heart
The way you described drinking alcohol was really beautiful, it makes me anxious to get hammered tomorrow night! Really nice word choices throughout, serving "cusp of greatness" or whatever it was. My biggest complaint was that this lacked a plot, and with that, this was bit short in general. This is a cute throwaway single, but nothing more. Are you still pressed for time like last season? I know you can do better and put more into your work, and I'm really eager to see that Element again. Still, for this level of the competition, it works.
28. Ventitonic - Venom of Aphrodite
You're really evolving and improving, that's good! We've gotten the basics down with the vocabulary, structure and rhyming all there; this was definitely your most "song-y" song yet! There were a few issues with this piece, mostly with the applicability/practicality of your lyrics: "drives 'em cruel" was a bizarre lyric, since the only emotions that would really work with that are "angry" and "crazy," "cruel" was a bit of a reach. "Smirk my way into / more than what you want me to do" was a tad rape-y (though I'm sure that wasn't your intent), and "sweet rendezvous drive" was a really forced (and bizarre) lyric. "Pried you off with a knife" was sorta weird as well (it's kinda rare that someone is pried off with a knife since knives are better for stabbing), finally "warned you that I’ll bite with pain" the pain part was a bit redundant since, no ****, bites cause pain! If you don't send your songs to other contestants already, I think you should, I can think of a few contestants that would be able to help you with this stuff (but I won't call them out bc awkward).
29. Urban - Momma
Label song structures pls. First off, let me say that I'm sorry this was written from experience  As for the song itself, I was really dying for this to be ABAB no ABCB; I'm not sure why, but I really think that would've made this more ballady and poetic, and also flow better. It wasn't that the rhymes were predictable, but the lines themselves were, they lacked nuance, images, and metaphors, the real meat of songwriting. You did an okay job executing the type, but it was really just the parts where you explicitly mentioned fighting that I got your type from this. The emotion in this was really strong, but you didn't effectively utilize the songwriting medium to make your emotion even more potent. You're writing lyrics for a reason, make sure that you fully utilize the form in the future.
30. Dylobs - the Tell Tale Heart
SCREAMING at the hyperlink in your song  Risky with a Monster on the panel though I was expecting you to write a song about a different topic while using the Tell Tale Heart as a metaphor or just a title, not you writing an entire damn song based off the actual (amazing) Edgar Allen Poe poem  The issues here were mostly forced rhymes due to the super restrictive rhyme scheme (AAAA) and you using only (or mostly) perfect rhymes; "fad/glad", and especially "tick/sick" since you committed a grammatical sin for a rhyme that wasn't worth it! I loved the outro, the conclusion and story was great, but the rhymes throughout were really disruptive. sorry im short circuiting and I don't have much to say, i can give you more feedback tomorrow if you'd like
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 31,895
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Member Since: 1/2/2014
Posts: 2,955
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Wow that review was not as bad as I was expecting... :O
Also so cut about Demi's break up with Wilmer oml
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Element
Buy delirium on iTunes
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Co-signed
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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I got a shiny not legendary...what does that mean?
If you wouldn't mind, could you please give me more advice tomorrow? 
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
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Mess I didn't realize I said it three times
So I won't get top ten like I wanted but it doesn't seem like I'll be eliminated which is nice
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dylobs
I got a shiny not legendary...what does that mean?
If you wouldn't mind, could you please give me more advice tomorrow? |
Yeah no problem; I apologize, my eyes are starting to burn and I have to pack up all my **** for tomorrow
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ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I, I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What's going on?
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Omg thNks hunter 
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Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
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Quickly, I'm in a record store rn and my dad asked if I wanted an album. Troye Sivan standard is 10 and the deluxe is 20, is the deluxe worth it?
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
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Now is Azumarrill a stage two or three?
(Depends on how you count azurill)
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Member Since: 2/7/2014
Posts: 3,371
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dylobs
Quickly, I'm in a record store rn and my dad asked if I wanted an album. Troye Sivan standard is 10 and the deluxe is 20, is the deluxe worth it?
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Yup!
I want you
Color me blue
^ this is what everyone in this comp should strive for
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dylobs
Quickly, I'm in a record store rn and my dad asked if I wanted an album. Troye Sivan standard is 10 and the deluxe is 20, is the deluxe worth it?
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no
and stage 3 @jpow
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 7,250
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A bite doesn't neccesarily have to hurt does it
like a little nibble
Thanks for the review, you always (usually) wrap with a bow and make it encouraging. I don't normally send b/c I'm too embarrassed but it looks like Matty is going to have to put up with me
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ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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what's this I've never seen it before
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ventitonic
A bite doesn't neccesarily have to hurt does it
like a little nibble
Thanks for the review, you always (usually) wrap with a bow and make it encouraging. I don't normally send b/c I'm too embarrassed but it looks like Matty is going to have to put up with me |
I always try, I don't want anyone to be left bald, discouraged or hurt 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Vision
what's this I've never seen it before
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Reverse Google image search ha, or someone else can help you out 
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Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 21,143
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jackson
Here's a few ways you could go about it using fire as an example
-write a song about fire
-write a song using fire as the central metaphor
-write a song about anger and rage or other emotions associated with fire
-write a song with a flow or structure that alludes to fire (this one's a lot harder tho)
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Just like to retroactively point out that my clunky structure was obvi me writing my song to imitate falling rocks like in a rock slide!
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 7,250
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