| |
Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 9
Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 7,250
|
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
 Batch 2
Quote:
21. OreGuy
I like the supernatural/fantasy spin on your piece. However, like mentioned for some entries above, this lacks a consistent meter and rhyme scheme. I can't give more in depth feedback without a grasp on these concepts being present, so please follow the tips I've give above in implement them in your next song. Perhaps incorporate the mystic vibe of this piece, as well?
22. Jpow
Your meter is pretty consistent, with a solid rhyme scheme, if predictable. May I suggest you not invert sentences just to fit the rhyme scheme, however ("into the noise I drown", for example.).
This is pleasant enough, though a bit dull. I don't get much of an emotional spark from this, despite the good use of the senses in your song. Perhaps it would help if your protagonist had a greater response to the events in the song: they're just presented events happening in sequence, at the moment. The character experiences them, but they aren't truly significant. Try doing something more extreme, next time, and try to force out a response from your reader.
23. Tylerbv
I'll start with this: I really adore the concept of your song. It's tailored to the challenge by giving your audience an "ultimatum" of sorts to dive into your album. Good job on fitting the brief. However: it's more of a speech or poem than a song, as is. The flow is just a bit too loose. I feel like the meter is almost there, but the stressing so wildly fluctuates that the song reads as if it is meant to be spoken. Also not helping is how some lines are linked to the following, yet others are standalone. It doesn't read naturally.
You need to grasp stressing: how syllables are emphasized between lines. Hopefully with some research, help from contestants, and judges, you'll be able to make your songs a bit smoother.
24. Wild Child
I like that you're trying to be descriptive in your songs, but you've gone overboard with fleshing out, to the point where it just becomes unnatural: no object needs three adjectives preceding it, like you did with "old rusted cold chains". Detail is effective in small, measured strokes, not large smatterings.
Also, not everything is worth describing: "My face is dirty from the soil on the ground" is sort of an obvious statement, and could've been substituted for a line that advances the plot of your song an extra step.
Really work to prioritize what you want the audience to know, and what they'll be curious to hear about as you right. Follow that and you'll strike a good balance on imagery.
25. Buyonce1814
Interludes are usually more free-form, but for a songwriting competition, you may have taken too much liberty in writing free verse. I really am only confident in reviewing what essentially are songs with a pop-structure, so be aware that I'm knocking you for lack of rhyme scheme and ambiguous structuring/flow.
What works here are your subtle detailing: the Angelou reference playing off the snake metaphor, and the piece being framed as a daydream through the coffee mention at the beginning and the beverage burning the speaker at the end. Those are smart touches. Less impressive are the parts where you overload on imagery: "sweet...whipped cream" and "warm...eyes" are two examples of some ridiculously indulgent prose, which is a bit hilarious being followed by conversational language like "damn, baby". Multiple lines stating the exact same idea while only changing a single word also make this piece longer than it really has to be: it's overly indulgent, in all honesty. I think your songs will have more impact with you cutting back on prose, and focusing on embellishing what needs to be noted by your audience.
26. Ughgabriel
Good job, technique wise.
Your diction has me torn. Your concept will relate to people, and is easily understood, but when "psychotropics" is the key word to your piece (This isn't really elevated language, it's pharmaceutical jargon.), you really shouldn't get more complicated than that. Every line has a word worthy of being tested in a SAT exam, and it just seems like you were trying to fulfill a quota of some sorts, or formulaically went through the song and replaced simpler words.
I feel like this shuts your audience out: would people in the heat of this situation assign these words to these thoughts and actions? Would the inebriated characters be able to pull up these kinds of words? I feel like so many of these elevated word choices deadens the passion of the piece.
Use what comes naturally: sometimes the first word to come to mind is the rawest one.
27. YoungCalifornia
Glad to get a bit of variety with a rap entry.
I like rap music: but the introspective and socially-conscious stuff is not my thing, unfortunately, so I don't care about the content of this rap. So let's talk about technique:
Your flow: it's very "birth of rap"-era. Cool time because the beats were good, but unfortunately, their rhymes and flow sort of blew. Your flow is pretty weak, and the rhymes aren't that unpredictable. Don't get me wrong, the meter is pretty solid: just not varied or interesting.
Interest is the one danger for rap lyrics in Platinum Hit, I feel. For me, I need something with merciless wit, something shocking, or extraordinarily clever to really get me to sit up and pay attention to rap lyrics. I feel like you can get away with being rougher when you work with rap in Platinum Hit, so I'm interested to see how you will tale advantage of this genre.
28. Ceremonials
This definitely fits the brief as an outro, in regards to theme, framing, and length, so good on you for tailoring to the challenge.
I also feel like the language and detail is at an appropriate level (Take notes, other contestants!), where your words work together to establish a scene, rather than a single word sticking out for the sake of being noticed.
I've said a lot of nice things, and I know you think highly of this song: but it's a bit boring, to be fair. It's lacking personality or voice. I don't know what to say, except the concept didn't hit with me this time, which happens. Everything relating to technique was sufficient, but your style and an interesting concept is missing.
29. Petals
There's a start to a proper meter here, you just need to learn to be consistent in what meter you're going to use.
You understand the basics of songwriting technique, but I don't get the feeling you have a grasp on the emotional aspect:
"What you said hurt to me"
...Should never be a line you let get put onto paper (Or a word processor.) "What did this person say? Why was it hurtful? How much did it hurt?" These should all be questions you're asking yourself as the songwriter, as that statement above is vague and uninteresting. The audience wants to know more, and it's up to you to omit vague ideas, and elaborate on what they stand for. That is how you write songs that are emotionally-charged. Always keep this in mind going forth, looking out for opportunities where you can enrich plain statements of emotion.
30. Navyofbadgals
Like the nihilistic theme of failure: reminds me of Swans' Failure (Great song which everyone reading should checkout, btw). While not as good as that song, tackling that theme is appreciated.
First thing of note: you successfully played with structure in the first stanza by using seven lines, using the odd seventh line for emphasis, which is how experimentation with structure should be used.
Some of the rhymes are hackneyed: place/space, shame/blame, and especially blue and undo. (Undo in itself really shouldn't be used outside of the context of CTRL+Y, it's a verb that doesn't have great emotional weight.). Work towards rhymes that are a bit less expected. Also, there's no need to format for emphasis: we get the contrast of you being blue in black without needing it in italics. Making it more obvious actually lessens the impact of us arriving at the realization on our own.
Sadly, one of your key metaphorical devices, the seashells, was unfortunately underdeveloped. There was no way I could've put together that they represented companionship, going solely off the details in the song. The seashell idea needed to have more meat on it. Remember that you can't expect postscripts to fill in for context.
31. SorryImLuke
Like I've mentioned for a few previous entries, the meter and rhyme scheme to this is predictable and without much contrast. More important I feel is a discussion on development of a story in your song.
You need to prioritize what is necessary to note in your songs. The events as they unfold here read like a laundry list of the narrative, with all parts given equal importance. It's, again, without contrast, and it's a chore to read. You must learn how to heighten tension and give release, when to pull punches and when to throw down: as here you present the events in a very one-note manner.
In your next song, try building up to a pivotal line or idea, with each line leading into the following one, until ultimately you hit the main idea of your song.
Finally, avoid overuse of ellipsis in your song. (That is, saying "I must away" instead of "I must go away", the omission of implied words.) It is helpful to excise obvious/unnecessary points in your song, but the usage here impedes on the flow of reading, rather than making it enigmatic.
32. Achilles
I like the idea of an examination of a media circus: but for a spectacle, this fails to get the pulse really racing. I think you shorted us a bit on detail and wit.
It's one thing to point out that celebrity deaths are a big deal: it's an obvious truth. What I want to know is, what's your stance? Is this a good thing? A bad thing? You need to really exaggerate for a satire like this to work, and that why I think you should've turned the piece on its head: the last line "VIPs, plan your deaths today" is a great slogan, and the most interesting part in this piece. I want to hear more about that. A song about celebrities planning their own deaths for immortality would make a really effective satire, and would've been a much more interesting of a concept. I feel like you were onto something brilliant with this, but couldn't take it the whole way.
33. MattyTacos
You strangely had some issues with stressing in this song: something I wouldn't expect from a previous winner. Be more meticulous.
This was a risky concept piece, and I don't think it worked out. You're trying to present the dilemma of a comfortable lie and an unknown truth, but your character already sounds set on picking the truth. It's ok if that's the conclusion they arrive at, but it's not fun for the audience to not watch them arrive at that decision. Here, you just present alternatives as the correct choice. It's not nuanced, and there is no conflict here.
There are some clever plays on words ("company, not actors"), but otherwise, this is underwhelming, coming from a previous champion. I'd like more balance in the examination of both sides of a conflict, moving forward.
34. TheCheetahWings
Ah, this is how you implement an unusual structure: you use it consistently.
Your concept is nice: I like the idea of a person pretending to be distant, yet having someone push through to them. (The tie-in to the glass you mentioned, which is both cold and transparent, is also a nice touch.)
Overall, you made no glaring missteps, and stuck with your concept and structuring. Good job.
35. Jaxswim
This is probably the most commercial-pop reading piece we've gotten so far. The meter's almost there, with some pretty obvious and unnatural-sounding rhymes (glee/me, for example).
Your song is titled "Welcome to Me", but who is your character? They sound like a mischievous screw-up: why then, would they use language like naïveté and dismay? Why would they care if they don't cause their father glee? What exactly defines their character? What is it they keep screwing up? This is a song using vague statements of confidence under the guise of actual character and voice.
Your characters need to be either more extreme, or more widely nuanced then this. At parts, there are some similarities to an actual personality, but you make missteps by voicing thoughts that they wouldn't have. Really think about what your song's characters would do, and paint a more vivid picture of their actions.
36. ausdaniel
First of all, the meter and flow is pretty solid for the most part.
While I appreciate the simplicity, you fall back onto cliches too often, instead of using original ideas ("write me off, story of redemption, eyes on me, I'm about to steal the show".). Always be weary of stringing together sayings, rather than saying the same ideas behind them in new ways.
While pleasantly presented, and appropriate for a intro, it's not nearly enough for me to really dig in to and savour. I'm sure you'll add more detail as the songs get longer, but this is just a bit too anonymous.
37. Dylobs
Please refrain from inserting dancehall emojis in your entries.
This is of perfect length for the challenge, and fits as an intro: good job for tailoring towards the brief.
This has a lot of elevated language, but is employed consistently in proper usage so that it doesn't distract, so, good on that. The last line is also a great "button" on the piece.
Overall, it's good. Have more confidence in your future entries, and just remain consistent in structure and diction. No more dancehall emojis.
38. feelslikeadream
You're a veteran with a master on the techniques, so there's nothing much I can say there. Let's get to the subjective talk.
I thought the second and third stanzas of your piece were the best. The random detail of 37th street is great, as it hammers in how driven the character is to get to this location. Naming the street makes it real to the audience.
Also nice is the silhouette being framed by a window sill, just like a cutting portrait.
The introductory stanza is pretty unnecessary to the grand scheme of the song, and I felt like the piece would've been more concisely stated without it. Additionally, what I'm assuming to be your refrain, the italicized bit, is also fairly weak for a chorus. Compared to the finely-tuned details in the preceding stanzas, I'm afraid you'd have to top even that, and up the ante. As is, I was a little underwhelmed by the end of your song, which is the most important part. You need to make your choruses the payoff in some way.
39. keshaspears
Solid marks for stressing and meter. As to be expected from a PH finalist.
Essentially a post-estrangement piece, I enjoy your twist on the concept focusing on steps to better yourself, rather than dwelling on the feelings resulting from the failed relationship.
A little dull for me personally, as I'm more interested in a well-executed examination of the immediate messy bits after estrangement. I'm sure there are others who enjoy the learning process, however. It's all subjective. I want something more extreme in the future, that's all.
40. Citrus
Surprisingly simple and effective. Very cute, with the appropriate use of language and length.
The only misstep I see is the "let my clothes drop" line. It's much more vulgar and sexy in connotation than the rest of the song is, what with its romantic and "warm-fuzzies" tone. Be aware of what connotation some words might carry.
I'd also like to point out: this is a very simple narration, which works for a ordinary scene that would last as long it takes to read your song, but might be too restrictive for use in longer narratives, or detailing events more dramatic than this. You'll need to expand your descriptive techniques, inevitably. But for today, it works.
|
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
|
Moonlight - 7/10
Cute but nothing special
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
Phew, I'm tired. GS will post his B3 reviews in a few. Goodnight all!
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 5/6/2012
Posts: 15,354
|
8th coming through with these essays on mobile.
Come through Jackson!
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 26,488
|
Quote:
22. Jpow
Your meter is pretty consistent, with a solid rhyme scheme, if predictable. May I suggest you not invert sentences just to fit the rhyme scheme, however ("into the noise I drown", for example.).
This is pleasant enough, though a bit dull. I don't get much of an emotional spark from this, despite the good use of the senses in your song. Perhaps it would help if your protagonist had a greater response to the events in the song: they're just presented events happening in sequence, at the moment. The character experiences them, but they aren't truly significant. Try doing something more extreme, next time, and try to force out a response from your reader.
|
There goes my hopeful top 3 spot this round 
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 15,127
|
I'll rate later
But Top 5-
Sometimes
Touch It
Bad Decisions
Knew Better/Forever Boy
Be Alright
Side note "I Dont Care" sounds like "Wit it this Christmas" a little bit
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 2/7/2014
Posts: 3,371
|
Quote:
35. Jaxswim
This is probably the most commercial-pop reading piece we've gotten so far.
|
I don't think this was meant as good/bad necessarily but this is like one of the best things I could have heard 
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
|
A B3 entry just snatched my highest score! Poor Huga! Reviews delayed a bit, probably coming in about an hour
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Jackson
A B3 entry just snatched my highest score! Poor Huga! Reviews delayed a bit, probably coming in about an hour
|
Welp!
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
|
Quote:
37. Dylobs
Please refrain from inserting dancehall emojis in your entries.
This is of perfect length for the challenge, and fits as an intro: good job for tailoring towards the brief.
This has a lot of elevated language, but is employed consistently in proper usage so that it doesn't distract, so, good on that. The last line is also a great "button" on the piece.
Overall, it's good. Have more confidence in your future entries, and just remain consistent in structure and diction. No more dancehall emojis.
|
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 7,250
|
1. Moonlight 5.4/10
2. Dangerous Woman 7.8/10
3. Be Alright 6.6/10
4. Into You 10/10
5. Side To Side ft. Nicki Minaj 5.89/10
6. Let Me Love You ft. Lil Wayne 10/10
7. Greedy 10/10
8. Leave Me Lonely ft. Macy Gray 6.7/10
9. Everyday ft. Future 10/10
10. Sometimes 7.98/10
11. I Don't Care 7/10
12. Bad Decisions 9/10
13. Touch It 9.2/10
14. Knew Better / Forever Boy 8.2/10
15. Thinkin Bout You 7.23/10
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Ventitonic
1. Moonlight 5.4/10
2. Dangerous Woman 7.8/10
3. Be Alright 6.6/10
4. Into You 10/10
5. Side To Side ft. Nicki Minaj 5.89/10
6. Let Me Love You ft. Lil Wayne 10/10
7. Greedy 10/10
8. Leave Me Lonely ft. Macy Gray 6.7/10
9. Everyday ft. Future 10/10
10. Sometimes 7.98/10
11. I Don't Care 7/10
12. Bad Decisions 9/10
13. Touch It 9.2/10
14. Knew Better / Forever Boy 8.2/10
15. Thinkin Bout You 7.23/10
|
This is all that matters!
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
|
I need to edit my sig 
Edited
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/6/2015
Posts: 18,803
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Ventitonic
5. Side To Side ft. Nicki Minaj 5.89/10
10. Sometimes 7.98/10
15. Thinkin Bout You 7.23/10
|
These are oddly specific scores 
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Hugamari
I need to edit my sig
Edited |
Aw it's cute
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 7,250
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Dylobs
These are oddly specific scores |
I'm the good person who breaks ties in rates
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Temporal
Aw it's cute |
It was cuter when there was a 1 after the J, but 2nd ain't so bad.
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
I love how I saw goodnight then continue to lurk
Every time
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
|
Thanks for the review 8th. When I write my first chorus next week (if we write a full song instead of an intro), I'll try to make it as good as Betty Boop 
|
|
|
|
|
|
