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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 8
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
07. ClarksonSlays – Please Dont Love Me
I was worried when I read your intro that you would sacrifice emotion and personality for imagery and poeticism once again, but I was proven wrong. This was a perfect marriage of imagery and emotion, and your poeticism only enhanced the language and feelings of the song. The lines “In the sun I love you too/But in the moon’s shadow we fade from view” are legendary/iconic. The outro is probably the best thing you’ve ever done in your entire life, in ATRL and real life.
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But the bridge > the outro 
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 5,500
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Quote:
03. TheCheetahwings – Essence Of My Adolescence
You had a solid concept and some amazing lines here. Still, the meaning of the song was a bit muddled and confusing, especially when you introduced the romantic element (or was it spiritual? I couldn’t quite tell). The names of the crystals you defined seemed kind of forced in the context of the song, but I liked that you tried to elevate your language and include those words. You almost overdid the “ence” rhymes, but I kind of liked the repetition of it and it helped tie together your song.
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Mess This was one thing I was worried would be misunderstood because it really wasn't meant to be a romantic element. The "his" in "his presence" was mainly meant as a person who "swept away" my innocence though I guess I was far to vague for the context of the challenge  But I'm glad you liked it overall.
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Member Since: 4/4/2014
Posts: 10,514
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Quote:
09. Moonchild – Dandelion Dreams
I felt a big difference between this entry and others you’ve submitted, and I think it worked for the better. This week you ditched the fancy language and metaphors, and opted for something more simple, yet powerful. The line “I wish I could make it work without a note” had good intentions but was executed poorly. The rest of the song was beautiful. I almost want to go and write my own melody to this and claim it as my own. Anyways, fantastic job this week! I love this new side of you and hope you continue to incorporate this style in future entries.
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Thank you, GotSkill. I realized the problem with the "note" line after I submitted, but I've already fixed it in my personal collection. I'm happy you enjoyed it so much.
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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YES I didn't get universal panning for my comments this time.
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 1,131
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Thanks Huga and GS for your feedback! 
Huga: I get what you're saying about the predictability of the first verse, but it was kind of intentional because I wanted this song to have a vague beginning so it could build up to a point where the reader gets a nice point of view of the whole scenario. Maybe it was an odd choice so I'll take it into account. Thanks for the comments!
GotSkill: Thank you for the comments. I really want to keep this song because it really means something to me, so I'll take your advice and polish those lines you noted to make it better 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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Okay, finished my comments. 
Will edit Huga's with his Bu comment and also post Meowster's soon!
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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Added Bu's comment. I'll post Meowster's next page after maintenance or something. 
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 1,131
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Can't wait for Meowster's comments
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Member Since: 4/4/2014
Posts: 10,514
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Quote:
Originally posted by Sam
Added Bu's comment. I'll post Meowster's next page after maintenance or something. |
Mess. Not sure how we're going to get enough posts for the next page at this hour. 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Penis 
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Quote:
Originally posted by ClarksonSlays
Penis |
Heathen repent
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Member Since: 4/4/2014
Posts: 10,514
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Member Since: 4/4/2014
Posts: 10,514
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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Mess, I even finished three point-and-click games in this time. Let's goooo
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Member Since: 4/4/2014
Posts: 10,514
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Quote:
Originally posted by Sam
Mess, I even finished three point-and-click games in this time. Let's goooo
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Working on it!
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Member Since: 4/4/2014
Posts: 10,514
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We might have ****ed, not really sure, don't quite recall.
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 1,131
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Take me to your planet
Take me to your planet
Take me to your
Quote:
Originally posted by ClarksonSlays
Penis |
Your
Quote:
Originally posted by ClarksonSlays
Penis |
Your
Quote:
Originally posted by ClarksonSlays
Penis |
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hugamari
Heathen repent
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bitch you like it too
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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Meowster's Comments
Quote:
01. ughgabriel – Water Bones
That was really deeply personal. I really think that this might be your best writing yet, everything seems so fluid and natural, like hearing your thoughts echo back and forth. There was good flow to it. It's relatable to me, a lot of the verses are something I've personally felt, which, in my opinion, means you passed the challenge with soaring colors. Sometimes the most specific topics can have the most impactful appeal. Thank you.
02. swiftie13 – i
Interesting topic. I read your annotation afterwords. You can feel different motifs, struggles, personal details in every stanza. You dealt with hardships and identified issues that most wouldn't be able to recognize. You made some creative choices in here with your structure and syntax, the way that the chorus acts as an opposite parallel to the verses. I think the journey and poetic guidance that your song has is very appealing and strong reaching.
03. TheCheetahwings – Essence Of My Adolescence
"I saw visions of my adolescence / My glossy eyes of viridescence," yes, love this line. I like how you manage to fit these lesser known objects into your prose here, they do feel natural, whereas a lot of the time such insertions can feel abrupt or sudden. This particular song tells me about the pensiveness of your thoughts, your wonder, gleaming for understanding. It's a very strong song and I enjoyed how you wrote it.
04. MattyTacos – Broken Wings
The ending of the first verse felt a bit abrupt and sudden to me. Not where I was expecting the song to go, flow-wise. There's a lot of repetition within here, some that does it's job in reinstating your focus, others that can be a bit detrimental. Loved the post-chorus, "I’m a torn up paper airplane wanting to start again / Captivated by the wonders of what comes in the end," reads like poetry. I think the song fit within the challenge but I also think you could have done a little more to show more you in it.
05. UFO – Veil
My favorite part of this song is the pre-chorus, which I feel you used all the right images, comparisons, words to create something meaningful with a decent flow to it. This is a pretty good song - I love your style, there's nothing generic or cliche to it. Within the confines of this particular challenge, I think you told a good story about yourself and the veil that you use to cloak and shield and protect. It's a universal topic that can possibly reach any heart and soul.
06. Achilles. – The Man You Think I Am
A lot of your music is very personal, I can see it in the writing that a lot of this is something that you feel deeply about that hurts. That hurt of not being accepted or not being what everyone else has imagined for you is a universal theme that I think could hit a lot of people hard as a song. The first pre-chorus was my favorite part, you made the words come out as if they were utter truth with the flow, deep and purposeful.
07. ClarksonSlays – Please Dont Love Me
This was an improvement from last week's entry! I like the continuation that you set up with this track, Astral Lullaby was one of my favorites by you and this was a worthy piece to name as a successor. The bridge is my favorite part of the song. It is almost like an incantation with the way you've set up the rhyming patterns. The song in the context of our challenge very much feels within our guidelines. It's also kinda made me really think about the lyrics and how they relate to you. Huh.
08. 8thPrince – Inside
You have a real gift with flow, I think. There's a natural fluidity between your stanzas, line by line, you can really hear this within the prechorus here. The tone of this is autobiographical and that can be seen from the very beginning. Rather dark and honest for a song about yourself but I enjoyed it. The song fit within our criteria for the challenge.
09. Moonchild – Dandelion Dreams
"I wish I had the strength to cope / I wish I could make it work without a note" is so mundane but it absolutely nails the melancholy and sadness that comes from the ordinary daily things. You really drove in the "I" part in most of the song and I believe that helped establish a good connection between us as readers and you conveying your story. I felt that this song was a good insight of you and a hardship that you went through. Good work.
10. Vulnicura – Borders
I liked the topic you chose for this song - something that was very personal and brought out some inspired work from you. My favorite section was the beginning of verse two, "they say the mother is the first other / a soft touch, an innocent love / an emotion not easily found in the father / a living union of their distant harmony" something that you were rather blunt and forthcoming with that. I felt like I really got a sense of you within your writing and within the quality of the work that you gave, thus succeeding our challenge.
11. Dylobs – Behind the Armour
"I'll mask my brittle soul / In an armour so brave and cold" was my favorite line in your song, love the juxtaposition of the two and how you piece them together. The quality of your writing is really good here; however, I feel like the first stanza is almost a little bit too structured. I can't hear the greatest flow from it but I don't really have this problem anywhere else within the song. The lyrics to this song fit your prose well and I can believe the turmoil written as genuine.
12. HausofNiko – The Fame
Hm. This was slightly relevant to a lot of us in dealing with our internalized lust and greed with looking for something "more," maybe that should be deserved or otherwise, seeking some form of attention and notoriety anywhere. Very meta. I approve. There is a lot of truth here that you can find even on ATRL itself. I think that this fit our challenge.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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I love point and click games they're so easy they make me feel smart
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