Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 8 - Page 809

Aurora

Quote:

Originally posted by ausdaniel

1. UFO
2. Element
3. 8th Prince
4. Moonchild
5. ClarksonSlays
6. TheCheetahWings
7. Kunst
8. Ausdaniel
9. Achilles
10. Buyonce1814
11. Vulnicura
12. MattyTacos
13. Swiftie13
14. Dylobs
15. Ceremonials
16. jpow

Two of these are incorrect, review my post about ties!

Dylobs

I'm surprised I came 3rd last in your ranking since the other judges seemed to have the impression that they liked it

Oh well. Poor me.

ausdaniel

Quote:

Originally posted by Sam

Two of these are incorrect, review my post about ties!

Someone help, I don't understand the thing about ties mixed up with all of these songs I haven't heard.

Moonchild

Sam's Hints

1. UFO
2. Element
3. 8thPrince
4. Moonchild
5. ClarksonSlays
6. TheCheetahWings
7. Kunst
8. ausdaniel
9. Achilles.
10. Buyonce1814
11. Vulnicura
12. MattyTacos
13. swiftie13
14. Dylobs
15. ceremonials
16. jpow

Moonchild

I don't have the brainpower to adjust for ties atm. Someone, please.

Dylobs

Also why is swiftie13 so low as well.

Aurora

Eh, it's close enough I suppose.

Aurora

Sam's Comments

Batch 1

Quote:

01. Kunst – Every Whisper (a rainforest, epeolatry)
I loved this entry. You’re really stepping it up at this stage and that’s exactly what I wanted to see. Your title is great and fits the song. You’ve used the rainforest imagery very well and the comparisons you’ve made between exploring this rainforest and finding your lover are really strong. You had a good structure with some interesting rhyming and a strong purposeful chorus. Your bridge was very well done.

I think you harnessed the concept part of this challenge very well. The word usage wasn’t perfect but you appreciate your unique approach to including it. Epeolatry is the worship of words themselves, not necessarily the worship of the person speaking the words you like to hear. But I did think that was a creative spin on it and it helped it feel less forced, so great job.

02. jpow – Toxic Shocks (an electric shock, graveolent)
I thought this was an interesting approach to the challenge, but not necessarily the best one. Although it technically fits the brief, I don’t necessarily think of lighting when I think of, specifically, an electric shock, especially when another contestant actually has the theme of lightning. So that was a questionable decision. Some of the rhymes felt a bit forced (distance/instance, explosion/commotion etc.) because the lines were worded in an almost Yoda-like way to get the rhyme at the end. It doesn’t read very naturally. I found your song hard to follow too because you have no labels. This isn’t something you should be omitting at this stage of the competition.

As I alluded to before, I don’t think your concept harnessed an electric shock perfectly. It took a more literal approach to a lightning tragedy, which was an OK interpretation. You used your word well however, it doesn’t feel unnatural and you have the correct usage. The only slight criticism there would be that I feel you could have intertwined the “plants” better, it feels like it might only be there to support graveolent, but that’s a very minor thing.

03. TheCheetahwings – Rose (a graveyard, securiform)
This was really great. Your rhyming was a highlight in this because you used a good mix of true rhymes and slant rhymes and it kept everything feeling natural and didn’t feel forced at any one point besides one (more on that later). Your actual story was fantastic, had great progression from verse to verse and the bridge was a solid way to lead into the ending. There are plenty of great lyrics here but I loved “the words never spoken she could never forget” especially. This was a very cleverly constructed song.

The concept was executed (pardon the pun) brilliantly. I think you picked a very solid story to tell and it revolves around the death/graveyard well. This is a literal approach that is done well and doesn’t just shove your concept down our throats, so well done on that. I like the meaning behind the lyric using your keyword but I think it’s been forced a bit to have a rhyme there. Securiform is an adjective and so “shadow of securiform” seems unnatural, whereas “a securiform shadow” casts that image of an axe-shaped shadow (metaphor for death) well. But I think you had the right idea so well done on that.

04. ausdaniel – Were Only Beautiful (a waterfall, vafrous)
Same comment as jpow about labeling sections. It really helps. Please do it. There are really great moments about this song but there are moments that just seem very blunt and hinder flow and that shouldn’t be present at this stage, nor in a waterfall song. You start the song off really well with “We were a steady stream,” then “But that never seemed to work” just seems so blunt in comparison. You follow this with “cascading endlessly” which is another great poetic lyric with strong imagery. You just need to make sure that all of your lines have this because you’re clearly capable of it. It’s the finesse; it’s all about finesse. I do like your song but these blunt lyrics, which just don’t “fit” the effortlessly flowing vibe of the song, prevent me from loving it.

I do think you nailed the imagery though, when you got it right, you really got it right. You used the waterfall as a metaphorical concept rather than a literal interpretation, which is what I was looking for in this challenge. Your word usage wasn’t perfect but it works. Vafrous is another adjective and having it at the end of the phrase rather than describing something felt a little awkward, but it wasn’t anything terrible either.

05. Vulnicura – <Untitled> (a volcano, hierodule)
Please please please please PLEASE remember to give your song a title. This is Platinum Hit, not the next indie underground songwriter who is above labeling their work.

I’m sure you just forgot, but please remember! Luckily you have immunity this week, because this song was awful. Only joking. I definitely got Björk from this in parts, particularly the mutual core and tectonic references, but even the way the first verse and chorus was setup reminded me of her style a bit. It was a good entry and I enjoyed reading it. The chorus was great with the references to the Gods but also their purpose (dark, light etc.)

For me I do feel like you let the hierodule concept outshine the volcano concept a bit. It was still there, but the volcano seemed to be assisting the hierodule, when it should have been the other way around. I do commend you for trying to involve your keyword as thoroughly as possible though instead of just slotting it in somewhere and forgetting about it. The use of “wh0re” after the word was unnecessary however.

06. Achilles. – Telegony (Forgotten Son) (a nightmare, telegony)
LABELS. See jpow’s/ausdaniel’s critiques. I’ll start by saying that I liked the song you submitted. You have a good structure and the rhymes feel natural too. There is good progression and I like that you began each verse section with “I dreamed…”, that was a good motif to include. So you did very well on the general submission.

As far as fitting the challenge goes, it does fall a bit short. Like Vulnicura, I think you paid too much attention to your keyword and not enough to your concept. The dream motif really is just a motif, it isn’t the concept of your song, which is the lost tale of Telegony. On that, your keyword was “telegony”, not “Telegony”. There is a difference there. So you missed the mark a bit there. I like that you tried to go outside the box and I will take that into account, but you almost went so far outside of the box that you went outside of what the challenge was asking of you too.

07. ClarksonSlays – Thunderbolt (a thunderstorm, megascopic)
This was really fantastic. The majority of the song was really well worded, you used your concept metaphorically and it worked brilliantly in the context of your song. The only part I didn’t love was the first verse, actually. A lot of the lyrics didn’t make sense to me, or weren’t executed as well as you probably hoped them to be. The first line was cute, winter/summer combining doesn’t really make sense, Jorge will see you in court with crystalline

, and I’m not sure I like crystalline and verdant as descriptors for mountains and trees respectively. The whole verse just seems out of place and doesn’t relate to the song as much. But the rest was really great.

You executed your concept very well and I love that you took a metaphorical approach, lyrics like “the blasts of wind when your lips crashed on mine” were fantastic. The second verse is so, so much better than the first. The second pre-chorus follows that improvement on the first and the use of megascopic feels doesn’t feel contrived at all and makes for a great two liner. Excellent work.

08. swiftie13 – Genesis (a premonition, quietism)
I like this for what it is. I’m not entirely familiar with the concept but I did look it up and I can see how the genesis/Adam and Eve/premonition idea all ties in, so I do find it nice that you’ve taken a unique approach to it. But for me, it doesn’t really read like a song. Everything it too long… each line is too wordy, each section has too many stanzas. It’s almost like a rhyming history lesson. I think you (and certain others) are trying too hard to be outside of the box and it’s losing the essence of what this competition is all about. For me, personally, it was a misfire. I think you need to just tone it back a bit. You had moments of brilliance here though; you had some great word choices, which complimented what you were going for.

As far as the challenge part goes, I’m a little conflicted, because while it wasn’t personally my favourite entry of yours, I can’t say that it isn’t based around the concept of a premonition. Your keyword didn’t feel too out of place because your song did have a lot of similar wordy language, and it fit in with the story.

09. 8thPrince – What in the World (a satellite, fylfot)
I’m glad that you took this somewhat controversial match-up on because you were able to produce a great song out of it. I love that it’s from the viewpoint of a satellite, that’s so clever. I thought whoever got this one might liken the subject to a satellite just aimlessly drifting through life without any real sense of direction or something, but this was great. You used a lot of space-related imagery, which enhanced the song, and the little references were great. I’m not sure if you consciously decided to do this because of your comments last week but I love that you’ve toned back the crazy structures a little for this entry. There’s still some elements there with the 2-to-4 line stanza split in the chorus and your signature quotations, but I think the simplicity of the structure really brought it all together. You keep impressing me.

Your concept was definitely executed well and revolved around the satellite as asked. Your use of fylfot was interesting, and I like that you described them as “starry” rather than just shoving it into your song, it helped it feel a little more natural, but it wasn’t a necessity to your song; I can imagine it being just as good without it. Minor criticism. It wasn’t the best use of your word out of the bunch but it was definitely up there.

Aurora

Sam's Comments

Batch 2

Quote:

10. MattyTacos – Cant Feel Anymore (an oasis, uberty)
I don’t find this to be your strongest entry, lyrically nor thematically. You’ve really been raising the bar lately and this felt like a bit of a decline for me. In saying that, it’s still a competent entry. The pre-chorus is better than the first verse. I’m not a huge fan of the chorus, the “cold like coal” seems like a misplaced comparison, it doesn’t fit in with oasis imagery for me. The second verse is an improvement from the first, but the first line, “Something has got to give you if you want to live” doesn’t make sense to me. If that was an error with an extra “you”, you should proofread better.

Cutting to the bridge, it’s the best part of the song lyrically and it also fits in with the concept. You managed to make the uberty lyric feel natural and one of the best in the song, so congrats on that. You managed to achieve in five lines what the challenge was asking of you, which is incredible, but I really wish that extended to the rest of the song too.

11. ceremonials – Gasoline (a vineyard, kelebe)
The song started off on a really strong note. You probably had one of the ~easier~ combinations (if there was such a thing) because your keyword could actually be used within the context of your concept, so I was surprised to see that you didn’t really exploit this. In fact, the first four lines of your verse were the only part that related to your concept until the bridge. I’m not sure if you misinterpreted the challenge but your song was supposed to have the central concept of a vineyard, be that literal or metaphorical. Your inclusion of the vineyard theme was so sporadic that it had more of a “this has to be there somewhere” feel. The thunderstorm and constellations imagery just felt disjointed and borrowed, and then it turned into a song with fire/burning gasoline imagery. I’m not sure I agreed with a “wilting vineyard” or a “vineyard full of thorns” either, which were the only two lyrics relating to your theme.

Your technical elements were fine and your rhyming was good, but the song didn’t really meet the challenge for me. The usage of kelebe was fine but you found your own reference to it (the painting on the outside), rather than the actual usage of the object.

12. Buyonce1814 – Rebel Kings (a ghost town, boreen)
It wasn’t explicitly stated but one of the parts of this challenge was to test your creativity with language and to expand your vocab when writing, hence why everyone was given obscure words. For this challenge, you didn’t demonstrate that. “Big” is such an elementary level descriptor, and “We’re rebels. Big devils” just feels like you could have done so much more with it. That’s how I feel about a lot of the lyrics in this song if I’m honest. The concept is there. I like your ideas. But your execution wasn’t on point this week.

The verses didn’t sing of a ghost town as much as I feel like they could have, the chorus was a good anchor point and I’m glad that if there was a point that followed your concept, it was that. Your usage of boreen was good and fit in with the song, yours was another good fit and I’m glad you noticed that and used it to your advantage.

13. Moonchild – Starcrossed (a remote village, zendik)
So you really do have a thing for compound words like I noticed, huh?

I really loved this entry. I’m not sure if my interpretation is wrong but I got like a Brokeback Mountain vibe with two lesbian lovers from this song and an extremely religious and homophobic town. You never fail to keep a fantastic balance of meaningful lyrics, great flow and solid structure so your songs always feel like songs, but they’re always next level. This is no exception. Your concept is clear, it progresses well and has a strong chorus to bring it all together. ClarksonSlays will C U N courT for the Village By The Mountain plagiarism though in the bridge.

You stuck to your concept well without it feeling too forced, unnatural or having to be mentioned every other stanza, and your usage of zendik felt comfortable, like it wasn’t much of a struggle to include it. So, well done.

14. UFO – Awakened (an earthquake, alveary)
I really loved this. In the past you’ve had a “problem” with including senseless imagery that might sound nice but doesn’t really serve a purpose, this song doesn’t have any of that. Even your reference to your song last round was done tastefully because it refers to the memories of better days and it ties in with the evergreen motif. You’ve maintained the central theme of the destructive earthquake quite well, using the language like “aftershock” and “trembling” which compliment that. Your repetitions are catchy and not overdone. You don’t appear to have any forced language and that’s wonderful.

As I’ve already touched on, you used your concept well. Taking a metaphorical approach was definitely the best approach in this challenge, I feel. Your usage of alveary was technically correct and it didn’t feel out of place at all because it fit with the nature theme but I personally took it as a clever analogy to say that the alveary was like a barrier between you and the pain the harmful bees could cause, yet after this “earthquake” the bees no longer stayed in their alveary and were able to inflict the pain. Not sure if that’s what you were going for, but that’s what I got, and I loved that.

15. Dylobs – Im Prepared (a spiritual awakening, isagogic)
You really were blessed this round, this was almost too perfect of a match up to be random. However I don’t feel like you did as much with this as you could have. The verses and prechorus sections felt like they could have been brought together as they were both too short on their own. The chorus was pretty good, I’m not sure about “broken tears”, how do tears break exactly? I liked where the bridge was going but, again, I felt like you could have expanded on it. Also, remember to use labels please.

You kept to your concept well but I would have liked to see more progression. The subject doesn’t really get to this spiritual awakening towards the end of the song, I’d have preferred if you’d gotten to that revelation sooner and went more in depth on life after this spiritual awakening; more lush, descriptive language that paints the scene so we can not only read the lyrics, but “see” them. Isagogic was used quite well, so well done on that.

16. Element – Float Away (a balloon, paragoge)
This was definitely one of the more difficult combinations and you pulled it off very well.

I love how you’ve equated the balloon with childhood and innocence and how life tugs at that and forces you to let it go. The imagery is so relevant and powerful. You took a playful and seemingly uninteresting concept (a balloon) and attached a meaning to it, using it as a metaphor for something greater, which is exactly what I was looking for in this challenge.

Absolutely screaming at your usage of paragogue though, “your happiness screams,” bitch no that’s just me.

But I’m glad that your entry is the last one I’m judging as I can add this there and hopefully everyone will see it, this isn’t going to bring your score down a ton. It was a difficult word to use, you might have even been able to include an actual paragogue in your song, but including the word paragogue (with its true meaning) was difficult. You found away around it (albeit calling them irrelevant), and while it’s not perfect, it’s there, you nailed the concept and you produced a great song, so you’re still going to get a great score from me. That’s why you shouldn’t let these crazy words intimidate you.

ausdaniel

Very very happy with my comments! Thanks Sam <3

Dylobs

Well that was not worth spending 30 minutes deciphering clues for. These conflicting comments are very conflicting.

But I do understand how it was over simplified and I believe I should've made the song a tad longer and more complex.

Hopefully I can make it into the next round. What time do you think results will be announced?

Aurora

Quote:

Originally posted by Dylobs

Well that was not worth spending 30 minutes deciphering clues for. These conflicting comments are very conflicting.

But I do understand how it was over simplified and I believe I should've made the song a tad longer and more complex.

Hopefully I can make it into the next round. What time do you think results will be announced?

Probably in 12 hours.

Moonchild

Quote:

I really loved this entry. I’m not sure if my interpretation is wrong but I got like a Brokeback Mountain vibe with two lesbian lovers from this song and an extremely religious and homophobic town. You never fail to keep a fantastic balance of meaningful lyrics, great flow and solid structure so your songs always feel like songs, but they’re always next level. This is no exception. Your concept is clear, it progresses well and has a strong chorus to bring it all together. ClarksonSlays will C U N courT for the Village By The Mountain plagiarism though in the bridge.

You stuck to your concept well without it feeling too forced, unnatural or having to be mentioned every other stanza, and your usage of zendik felt comfortable, like it wasn’t much of a struggle to include it. So, well done.

Thank you for your critique, Sam! Any favorite lines?

The compound word title wasn't intentional.

And yes, your interpretation is accurate (with what I intended to convey, anyway)!

I imagined it with male lovers instead of lesbians, but it has the same meaning. I spoke personally with Clarkson Nation to use Village By the Mountain in the bridge.

Aurora

Quote:

Originally posted by Moonchild

Thank you for your critique, Sam! Any favorite lines?

The compound word title wasn't intentional.

And yes, your interpretation is accurate (with what I intended to convey, anyway)!

I imagined it with male lovers instead of lesbians, but it has the same meaning. I spoke personally with Clarkson Nation to use Village By the Mountain in the bridge.

Oh, I associate "witches" with being female, that's why I jumped to that. But at least I wasn't on the wrong track.

And that's good.

If you hadn't figured it out yet, my ties were 8thPrince/Moonchild (#3) and Jake/Bu (#9).

Buyonce1814

Thanks for the reviews judges. Taking the feedback on board. I think I spent time focusing on one area that the other areas began to lapse. I'll try not to make that mistake again.

Ps Sam - I wanted another quixotic moment but it just wasn't coming

.

Moonchild

Sam's Hints

1. UFO
2. Element
3. 8thPrince
3. Moonchild
5. ClarksonSlays
6. TheCheetahWings
7. Kunst
8. ausdaniel
9. Achilles.
9. Buyonce1814
11. Vulnicura
12. MattyTacos
13. swiftie13
14. Dylobs
15. ceremonials
16. jpow

Moonchild

GotSkill dragging me to the pits of hell for my chorus and Sam calling it strong.

*what-is-the-truth.gif*

Aurora

Quote:

Originally posted by Moonchild

Sam's Hints

1. UFO
2. Element
3. 8thPrince
3. Moonchild
5. ClarksonSlays
6. TheCheetahWings
7. Kunst
8. ausdaniel
9. Achilles.
9. Buyonce1814
11. Vulnicura
12. MattyTacos
13. swiftie13
14. Dylobs
15. ceremonials
16. jpow

This is the correct order.

Bonus: I thought I was being really harsh this week with the scores and my average was still like 7.8.

UFO

Quote:

Originally posted by Moonchild

Sam's Hints

1. UFO
2. Element
3. 8thPrince
3. Moonchild
5. ClarksonSlays
6. TheCheetahWings
7. Kunst
8. ausdaniel
9. Achilles.
9. Buyonce1814
11. Vulnicura
12. MattyTacos
13. swiftie13
14. Dylobs
15. ceremonials
16. jpow

Wait what

Nnn I missed a lot

Aurora

Quote:

Originally posted by Moonchild

GotSkill dragging me to the pits of hell for my chorus and Sam calling it strong.

*what-is-the-truth.gif*

I disagreed with GotSkill's critiques on quite a few. Just different flavours of tea this week, I suppose.