Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 8 - Page 393

keshaspearsxo

Quote:

Originally posted by Sam

K my comments are coming soon.

So is Kesha.

Buyonce1814

Quote:

Originally posted by Sam

K my comments are coming soon.

Let me take my BP pills

8thPrince

DAMN this working out thing is working out I look good haha

Aurora

Sam's Comments

Batch 1

Quote:

1. EuphorianSea – No Longer
What a strong start to this challenge. I much preferred this entry to your entry last round. “You’re no longer here with me / fading fast like memories” was a nice moment. I only had one problem and it would be the use of “silly” to describe death, which seems extremely out of place in this song. You had strong imagery throughout and clever repetitions that weren’t too wordy but kept it feeling like a song. If you’re going for darker themes this season you’re doing them very well. Excellent.

2. Girlicious – Mercury
Your ideas are strong, that’s not a problem for you. I like the comparison you’ve made between the lover and mercury. The next thing is you need to work on your execution. A lot of your lyrics are very blunt and feel disjointed… “Cold metal runs through your blood / it reminds me of a snake” is an interesting idea but it needs some finessing for it to properly sound like song lyrics. Perhaps instead of just blatantly stating “it reminds me of a snake” you could use leading words or metaphors to still get the same message across in a more creative manner. I like where you’ve gone with the song and it’s not a bad entry, but there’s definitely room for improvement, and I hope you get a chance to show us more.

3. Nait Phoenix – The Other Side (Tokyo)
As a complete song, I’m bopping.

The production honestly slayed me. But, I do have to stress that lyrics are the most important thing here, and they’ve never been more important when you’re only allowed 140 words. If I’m honest I think you could have cut out the introduction and breakdown and added a bridge segment with those extra 16 words… 24 if you hadn’t changed the last line of the second verse. That’s the main flaw with this entry; you haven’t used your words as wisely as I think you could have. That said I like what you did have. The smile/frown lyric was more of a frown for me but I liked the rest of the verse, the chorus was solid, and the second verse is much better than the first, but I don’t think the repetition was necessary. A really great bridge could have elevated this entry. Overall I preferred your entry last week, but this was still good.

4. Gavin. – Praying For Love
I’m not sure if this entry is someone praying for love from an actual lover or from the mother/father (or a church mother/father?), which is a bit alarming.

I think it’s a lover though? (the use of “baby” in the chorus makes me think this). There’s a contradiction where the chorus is essentially saying you keep praying for love (because it’s not coming), but the pre-chorus says “Cause [praying] gives me what I need”. There are good things though, you seem to have a good flow throughout the song, and you have some nice rhyming. I’m just not 100% certain about the message you’re trying to convey; a bit more clarity would have been nice.

5. Popsicle – Trick R Treat
I like that you decided to go with a Halloween theme. I actually preferred this entry to your last (although this is probably going to be an unpopular opinion). The pre-chorus did feel a bit like, “ooh, let me throw in a bunch of random scary terms like voodoo dolls and Ouija boards!!1” and I could have done without that, but the “nothing scary” made it a bit better. I wasn’t a fan of the killer/kill her rhyme. I’m not sure what “this psycho love got me on repeat” actually means. However that’s the end of my negative criticism. I like the chorus a lot, “I won’t hurt you but I’ll make you scream” was great, as was “And when the sun comes up / she’ll be down”. Verse 2 was better than Verse 1, and the bridge was good too. You had a clear idea for the song and I think overall you did a pretty good job.

6. KeshasFansRose – Freedom of Love
I’m still not really sure “what” the freedom of love is… the freedom to love whoever we love and be accepted for it? I like the meaning of the first verse but I’m just not sure how it ties in with the chorus. It starts off like an introspective song realising your dark side, but the chorus doesn’t appear to reflect that. Are you the villain because you didn’t listen to the freedom of your heart? I don’t think you used your words very wisely because there are some unnecessary parts moments where lines could be reworded to cut them down (and the use of “oh” is pointless), and I don’t think you have made every word count because I’m still not sure what the song is about. I like the parallels of the rhymes in the two verses though.

7. swiftie13 – Mother
I really enjoyed this entry. It wasn’t what I expected from the title, which is a good thing, but I like where you’ve taken it. The entire first verse is really strong and sets the tone for the song well… simple words like “wicked”, “sickly”, “exhausted” are special enough and all work together well, “Never has another creature bitten at such helpful hands” is so powerful and true. I think it was an important entry and you executed it brilliantly, everything flowed so well and you told your story in a creative manner (from the viewpoint of someone evacuating Earth). You used your words well. Great work.

8. conatus – Swim Back
Get To Heavenatus is back.

I enjoyed this more than your last entry. The flow is seamless, it really is, probably the best of the bunch so far. You used a very small amount of words, which was risky, but I do think you executed it well enough. Two minor criticisms, the use of “just like a horn” and “I’m not giving up my hope” does seem a bit contrived to force a rhyme or fit a syllable pattern. “I’m not giving up all hope” reads better to me. Perhaps you could have done more with the chorus, but its simplicity is endearing, and I think you did a great job overall.

9. JustLuke – Touch Us Now
I’ve made a point of saying that I don’t have anything against a good party bop. They’re basically all I listen to. Unfortunately, this isn’t a fantastic, lyrically impressive party bop. It’s a very run-of-the-mill party bop. In order to really sell this type of song, you need to have plenty of strong lyrical moments and techniques. Writing a good party bop is no different to writing a good meaningful ballad in that sense. But instead of beautiful and touching lyrics, you need clever metaphors, double entendres, very strong and unique flow etc. things that are going to make it stand out from the crowd. Everything in this song has been done before… feeling alive, no more working, partying, beer and boys to use as toys, not ready to lose, want to dance the night away, break the rules, no one can touch us, moon shining bright etc. I hope you can see this on reflection. This is the kind of song that might be a bop with some exciting production, but that’s not what PH is about. When you strip a lot of mainstream songs back to just their lyrics, they are terrible. This isn’t about writing the next Billboard Hot 100 #1 song. I know you’re capable of so much more than this.

10. Jaxswim – Youth
I really, really liked this. The first verse has a clear distinct rhythm and also tackles the idea of youth perfectly. In fact, this goes for the whole song. You’ve picked relatable memories to address from younger times and that’s a great technique. The middle 8 is also strong, particularly the second half of it. It’s easy to read, to understand, to relate to and to pick up a sense of rhythm and melody. For what you’ve gone for, I’d say it’s perfectly executed. I’m impressed. If I didn’t know you had a limit to stay under, I wouldn’t have guessed it either.

11. Vulnicura – Not The Same
This was an interesting entry, and in a good way. It’s not often that we get breakup songs from the point of view of the person wanting to end the relationship, so I liked your approach. The first verse is a great way to introduce that. The chorus has good repetition and I liked the “varying shade of blue” metaphor, and the bridge is really strong too. I like your use of “clouds” and “weathered”, and the prolonged rhyming from that word. It was a solid entry, and I really liked it.

12. Kworb – The Times
This was simply stunning. Your word choices are fantastic; unexpected yet never feel forced or contrived in any way. The parallels between the lyrics in each stanza are so well crafted and clever it’s almost unbelievable. This is not a ballad. This is not some overly emotional or mystical creation. It’s a love song with a positive vibe that just works. You didn’t even need to repeat a section. Everything was practically perfect… the rhyming, the language, the flow, the story and the length. Yes. You’re definitely one to watch in this competition.

13. Truffle. – Plastic Memories
I’m not really sure why the memories are plastic, which seems to be the main selling point of the song. I think if you had justified that, the song would have been better. But I kind of get the impression that you just wanted a unique title. That aside, you’ve got a good flow going on here. I think you could have gotten a bit more creative with the entire piece, some metaphors would have really helped (perhaps compare the memories to something plastic to justify the title). It was a nice entry.

14. RihsusChrist(ATG) – The Tragic Ballad of Paula Deen
You have some cute rhymes I guess.

15. ausdaniel – Wash Me Away
I like this song. “Freeze me with your ice of pain” is a peculiar lyric, but apart from that the rest of the chorus is pretty good. I really like the first verse… both verses are pretty strong actually, I like the “Disguised as sun, but I’m dark as night” lyric. The bridge is a good way to take the song, like a plea for forgiveness. I like that. It was a good entry and I think you used your words well, it didn’t feel like a word-restricted challenge.

16. Obsession – Compass
This was an enjoyable read. It was quite short, but I think you made the most of the words you did use, so you did well. I loved the “On every land, in every sea / You’re still the one who sets me free” lyric, and I wish you’d incorporated more compass and voyage related imagery into the song. It was a cute song and I think you could have maybe done a little bit more but you’re not far off and it was still a great entry.

17. JakeKills – Therapy
This was moving, especially after seeing what you said in the thread after listening to “Hello” about your father.

But I can’t let that affect my judgement. It was a very well put together song. You didn’t need to repeat any sections in the traditional sense, which was good. I found the repetitions at the beginning of each stanza interesting but it did end up detracting a little for me. I think without the “They think I need to be cured by the priest” lyric wasn’t necessary, or perhaps one (therapy) could be used for every odd stanza, and the other (priest) for every even stanza, just to give it a little bit less direct repetition. But it was a strong concept, which I’m sure so many can relate to, you once again had strong lyricism and flow and it felt complete. Well done.

Pecinta Mariah

Quote:

Originally posted by Buyonce1814

Week
1.
2.

Title
Sleep (Interlude)
Bitter Pill

Rank
#7
TBA

Score
8.18
TBA

Genre
Alt Hip-Hop
Country Folk

Sleep (Interlude)

Bitter Pill

opah

YASS @ Through The Rain reference

conatus

Wow, surprisingly positive feedback from Sam.

Thank you judges!

Speezy

Baagakdas Drag me

so maybe I placed outside to top 30

Truffle.

Huga: Negative/Mixed

Yeah,'originally the chorus was much "bigger" in a sense and powerful but I couldn't add everything in with the word limit

UFO

Quote:

1. EuphorianSea – No Longer
What a strong start to this challenge. I much preferred this entry to your entry last round. “You’re no longer here with me / fading fast like memories” was a nice moment. I only had one problem and it would be the use of “silly” to describe death, which seems extremely out of place in this song. You had strong imagery throughout and clever repetitions that weren’t too wordy but kept it feeling like a song. If you’re going for darker themes this season you’re doing them very well. Excellent.

THANK YOU

Gavin.

Quote:

Originally posted by Vulnicura

your song was so. good

there's still 3 judges to go!

The blowjob anthem of our generation

And yes at you getting some praise though. On that cloud/weather line

keshaspearsxo

Truffle.

Sam, they were plastic memories because the bad moments were melting (I was about to forget them)

Speezy

Buyonce1814

Quote:

Originally posted by Pecinta Mariah

YASS @ Through The Rain reference

! Not intentional.

Aurora

Sam's Comments

Batch 2

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18. ceremonials – Stockholm Syndrome
I like the twist on the conventional idea of Stockholm syndrome you’ve used; it’s a creative idea. Your flow is good throughout the song, and you have some great lyrics. “But I’ll still make your pillars fall / then watch your kingdom burn to ashes” was a highlight for me. I feel like the rhyme scheme wasn’t as creative as the rest of the entry and some of the wording of some lines could have been better, but overall it was a pretty good entry.

19. Speezy – Brighter Side
I’ll be honest; it was a pretty average entry for me. The concept isn’t that unique, a lot of the rhyming and lyricism was fairly stock standard and predictable for this type of song and I was looking for one redeeming moment that just thrilled me and I didn’t find one. You should try to experiment with your lyrics more, think about new ways to say things that haven’t been done before a million times. Try to use more slant and imperfect rhymes. Not everything has to be mind/blind, head/dead, survived/alive etc. This might seem like a fairly negative critique but there’s potential here. It’s not a bad entry at all. It’s just there, and just there isn’t going to be good enough in the following rounds. If you make it to the next round, really try to push yourself, come up with more creative lyrics, use some metaphors, and try to include some imagery so your lyrics make the reader “see” your song. But keep at it.

20. ughgabriel – The Sky
There were parts of this song I really liked. The pre-chorus is actually fantastic. The sky being the one constant is great imagery. I honestly think that should have been the chorus. The actual chorus… it didn’t do much for me. The bridge is nice but it could have added more to the song. Verse 1 was pretty average for me, but I loved Verse 2. “If the real mess was in my room or my head” was a standout lyric for me. The second verse and especially the pre-chorus are your best moments here, if you make it to the next round, think about why that may be and see if you can apply that to your next song.

21. Alesus – All A Lie
This is kind of great, the rhythm is really easy to detect. It’s not without its flaws, I think it’d be better off without the second part of the first verse (the “Getting large like a woman with child” lyric

) and a bridge instead of that. I wish you’d delved more into why he was sad, but that aside, it was a pretty well put together entry for the most part.

22. Urban_Fan – End Of The Line
You build me up, you break me down, my heart it pounds, yeah you got me!

In-ten-SHUN-uhl, in-ten-SHUN-uh-lee, you will hurt me, in-ten-SHUN-uh-lee.

Sorry, I couldn’t start this critique any other way. When listening to your Soundcloud link, TiK ToK and Unconditionally’s melodies came to my mind in those parts. That aside, this is yet another good example of how you don’t have to write an emotional ballad to do really well as some like to think. This is clearly an upbeat song and it works. Your melody is very clear from the way you’ve written the song (even without the Soundcloud link) and the lyrics are good. I’m not 100% sure about the usage of “reached a stop” in the chorus. I think if you’d done something like “Just stop” and then had a pause between that lyric and the “end of the line” one, it would have been even better. You stuck to the limit well and it reads like a full song. Nice job.

23. TheCheetahwings – Duplicity
The formatting this week is a thousand times better. Last week it was very hard to read, whereas this time it’s bold and striking and even better than being unformatted. If you received points for formatting you’d have a good score, but you don’t. Luckily, you don’t need any bonus points for formatting. Your song was good. Is it the most original concept ever? Probably not, but you executed it in a nice way. The hook of “Your love is duplicity” elevated your entry a bit, as you didn’t just go down the common “You’re lying / you’re cheating / you’re unfaithful” etc. path. The bridge is the perfect way to tie the song together, admitting that even if you knew for sure that your love wasn’t true to you, you’d still stay. It’s sad but it’s the way it is for so many. Nice work.

24. Kunst – Fox
This was pretty good. It had a kind of Taylor thing going on with the descriptive storytelling lyrics and the whole fox/hunter thing like from I Know Places, but it didn’t remind me too much of that song. But there were lots of Taylor influences I picked up on; like the Polaroid, being in the woods, playing the game etc. That aside, I liked the general meaning behind the song, and the ending was a nice touch. I would suggest trying to use more unique language, but overall I liked it.

25. DripDrip – Californian Coast
What*is*with*the*asterisks? Plus you didn’t include your word count, so I had to find it myself and remove every. Single. Asterisk. That aside, I like your unique approach. Is this told from the point of one of Ariel’s grandchildren or something? That would be cute. I still get a light Lana tea with some of the lyrics but it’s more of an influence than a direct copy so it’s not an issue. There’s a certain confidence in the way you’ve written this where you know it’s not like what anyone else will submit, but for that reason it works. I enjoyed this more than your last entry.

26. Pencita Mariah – Rays
I liked this entry and it was an improvement on last week’s for me. I think you should have begun the song at the first verse because the chorus is so long in comparison to the short verses it just feels like one too many repetitions. Also, the verses and chorus tend to blend into one another because they all end the same way, I think a bit more distinction between the verse and the chorus would have been nice. It was a lyrically solid piece and the meaning was there. There’s room for improvement but it was a good entry.

27. Buyonce1814 – Bitter Pill
This is so good. I love the concept of this song and I think you’ve executed it in a fantastic way. The chorus is so solid and really brings everything together. “As the colours change naturally” is such a wonderful ambiguous lyric because it infers a lot without specifying anything; it could be the colours of the trees as the seasons go past, it could be the colour of your hair going grey etc. The bridge just finishes everything off nicely. A really well put together entry. You’ve started this season really strong.

28. Qatari Monster – Lies
Hilary Duff teas in the chorus. It was a decent entry. I’d like to see a bit more creativity and originality though as a lot of it feels familiar or done before. It’s a pretty common theme so I was looking for your own unique spin on it or something and I didn’t really find that. The ideas are here but the execution still needs a bit of work, like I’ve suggested to a couple of others, try to express your ideas in more creative ways other than just stating your feelings. It wasn’t bad at all but it wasn’t anything new, if you can work on that I think you have potential.

29. inuborg – The Needle
I’m not sure if I’m missing something but I’m not sure what “needle” you’re referring to. It feels a bit disjointed between the chorus, the second verse and the rest of the song. If you wanted to make your song revolve around the story of Icarus, you should have maintained that theme throughout. I liked the first verse (even though fefe would have screamed “WINGS CAN’T MELT!!!1”, I think it works well. I just wish there was more cohesion with that and the rest of the song, because the bridge is a good way to take the song.

30. Dylobs – The Only One
Looks like we’ve finally found the “heaven/religion” of Season 8, “lies” (or is it “chains”? I can’t keep up)!

This was a good entry because if you’re going to take a subject which is so exhausted you need to put a new spin on it, and you did that. It’s sort of like Katy’s “It Takes Two” in the way you accept responsibility for being at fault as well. I liked that angle. The chorus is good and I like the second verse a lot, whereas the first verse is a little predictable. But that’s not so bad considering it appears to be a regular “you’re a liar!!1” type song until the pre-chorus. You’ve got a good natural sense of rhythm and while there’s room for improvement, I think if you do keep improving week after week you can go far. This is a good start.

31. jpow – Prove It
I did like what you were going for but it just fell a little bit flat for me. I would have liked to see a bit more playfulness in the verses. The chorus established the use of the “I know you want it” type lyric; there was no need for you to essentially write the same thing six times over between two verses. In a challenge where lyrics are limited, that wasn’t the best use of your words. You could have proven why he wants it by giving examples of why you’re so desirable, it was all tell and no show for me. The bridge had a good flow but the lyrics themselves were rather average, but at least it was something different from the verses and chorus which all kind of blurred into one. Try to make every section of your song have some unique element or part of the story so that the reader is taken on a journey from the start to the end of the song. I feel like I’m still at the beginning waiting for you to prove your worth, sorry.

32. Tiberius – Resolutions
I actually like the flow you have going in the first verse. The repetitions are catchy. I like the lyric “Today’s choices are tomorrow’s chances” a lot. The chorus but the “seed” lyric seems a bit forced. I don’t mind verse 2 but I preferred the first verse because of the way it was structured. The bridge didn’t add a whole lot but it wasn’t too bad. Verse 1 was definitely your strong point of this song and if you make it to the next round I’d suggest trying to apply more techniques like that to your future songs. Little interesting repetitions and such can go a long way.

33. 8thPrince – Champagne On My Parade
Reading the first verse of your song is how I feel right now trying to get all of these critiques done tbh.

My dedication > Anyway, it took me a second to understand the “Three years shy and eighteen sober” lyric, but I’m assuming it’s referring to the legal drinking age of 21 where you live (and being 18)? I like that lyric. As usual, this song is full of interesting moments. You really have a knack for that. The bridge is honestly a giant punch of genius. “If my hands aren’t preoccupied I’m useless” and “melancholidays” (I’m stealing this word, it’s an actual word now). Yes. The entire song is relatable, well put together and just an impressive piece of writing. Did I forget to mention the twist on “rain on my parade” is used well? Because it is. Loved this entry.

34. keshaspearsxo – Of Dreams
On one hand I like this entry. It’s like Eyes Show, Pt. 2 in a way. You even used the term “eyes show” in this song. It’s short and to the point and every lyric counts. If this were submitted last round you may have even gotten a higher score than what I gave you, and I already gave you a pretty good score. However, the challenge this week was to write a full-length song using 140 words and I don’t think you’ve achieved that. Not only did you still have 25 words to play with, the sections you do have are quite wordy. I like how you didn’t repeat any sections, and I don’t think that would have been fitting in a song like this, but there are still other ways you could have worked around this and made it read more like a full song. For example, having a recurring motif as every fourth line would have saved about 20 words just from what you’ve submitted, of which you could have dedicated to a fourth or even a fifth stanza, which would have made the song feel more complete. I like what you have and from a lyrical standpoint I think it’s sound, but from a technical and challenge point of view, I don’t think you used your 140 words as best as you could have.

Buyonce1814

Nervous for 394

Aurora

Look back.

conatus

Quote:

Originally posted by Sam

Look back.

Swim Back, its impact.

Truffle.

Quote:

Originally posted by conatus

Swim Back, its impact.

Buyonce1814

Quote:

27. Buyonce1814 – Bitter Pill
This is so good. I love the concept of this song and I think you’ve executed it in a fantastic way. The chorus is so solid and really brings everything together. “As the colours change naturally” is such a wonderful ambiguous lyric because it infers a lot without specifying anything; it could be the colours of the trees as the seasons go past, it could be the colour of your hair going grey etc. The bridge just finishes everything off nicely. A really well put together entry. You’ve started this season really strong.

! Thank you so much Sam. I'm glad you enjoyed it. It means a lot