| |
Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 8
Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
|
If you ever decide you need to talk to someone @Sam, my inbox is open for you! 
Excited for the comments even though they aren't about me.
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
|
Sam's Comments
Batch 1
Quote:
1. Monster (Interlude)
I liked this. The standout for me was, “What was I supposed to do, you wouldn’t listen to the truth”. It’s a simple idea but it’s relatable and has a good rhyme that doesn’t feel forced. I definitely see it as a spoken interlude, which is fine for this challenge, and it did leave me wanting more, but not in the way I meant. I’d like to see more from this interlude; another stanza or two with some more creative language would have really elevated this entry.
2. Eyes Show (Intro)
*zooms in screen* that’s better. This is a very good example of how you don’t always need perfect rhymes and repeated sections to make a good song. A little structure goes a long way. I can sense the rhythm and there are plenty of lyrical highlights. It’s not without it’s flaws, some of the lyrics are endearingly nonsensical and there’s the odd unnatural rhyme, but overall this is a very solid entry.
3. Avant Garde (Intro)
I think there’s at least potential here. There is structure. “Drinkin’ from the sweet divine” is an interesting moment. The edits helped your score. However, you promised avant-garde, and I can’t say you executed that all too well. A lot of the rhyming was very simple (game/same/fame) and some of the phrasing was a bit awkward (“Now it’s time for my fame”). It felt a bit like a first draft rather than a final entry.
4. Fake Reality (Intro)
I like the title, but I think it could have been incorporated into the song better. You’ve got a melody in mind, which is good, but you need to make sure that the rest of the song is as strong as your melody. There is very little rhyming in your song, which when sung is very clear. Rhyming isn’t always essential with a good flow, but I think this song definitely needed some rhymes in the places where blank/find, life/now, fine/someone were. You do have some strong individual one-liners though, I think you just need to work on putting them together in a better way.
5. Young Heart (Intro)
I don’t like to use the word ‘perfect’ often, but this was close to it for me. It really read like a genuine intro to an album. It’s short but not too short, it tells a story, it has structure, it has great imagery and strong comparisons (colors, then the rainbow), it has subtle slant rhymes (rainbow/come true, found/earned) and I generally liked the message in general. Everything I wanted from this round. Well done.
6. Free (Intro)
This is a very cute entry. I didn’t really have many problems with it. I liked “Don’t need instructions, I’ll pave my own road” and “Don’t need a direction, just need to fly”, they definitely embodied freedom. You have a good sense of rhythm, rhyming and structure, so you’re off to a good start. The parts in parenthesis were unnecessary and detracted a little. Overall, it was an enjoyable read.
7. Chains (Intro)
I like the darker concept you went for. This might seem a bit ironic, but for a song titled “Chains”, it did feel a bit disjointed in parts. There were distinct sections, which on their own were strong, but they weren’t tied together as well as I believe they could have been. I like the second and third stanzas, how they mirror each other, and use the word ‘reflection’. Not sure if that was intentional, but I found that very clever.
8. The Opposite of Emo (Intro)
The first to stanzas show lots and lots and lots of potential. The boy in the first, the girl in the second, it’s not exactly original but I still like it. The AABBB rhyme pattern is executed well both times, and there’s a good sense of rhythm. However, the last part wasn’t necessary in my opinion, and the whole thing could have been maybe twice the length. I wasn’t a fan of the “G. Loom” lyric either.
9. NeverEnding Limit (Intro)
Not sure if this was intentional, but I like how you took the “infinity” theme of the season and made that the theme of your intro, like it’s your intro into Platinum Hit 8. I really like everything up until the neverending limit lyric is actually used in the song, even without the Soundcloud link you can tell it has a good flow and rhythm. The rhyming is tight. It’s great, but I’m not 100% sold on the neverending limit lyric, I feel like it’d be better if there were two more syllables in there somewhere. But I’m nitpicking. It was a solid entry.
10. Wilderness (Intro)
lovesong will see you in court! Only joking. I think you have a strong concept here, which I like. Your execution was rocky in parts, but you fixed a lot of the problems with your edit. Good calls. Some lines are a bit too wordy, this making it hard for each line to flow into the next naturally. It’s not too bad though. You’ve used slant rhymes, which are great, it’s a good length and it’s a complete story with good progression.
11. Thinking About You (Interlude)
I really like this one. This is going to sound like an odd criticism, but the main thing I’d like to comment on is that it does read a bit too much like an actual full song rather than an interlude. Interludes can tend to be on the longer side so it’s not too much of a problem, but I can see how you could easily turn this into a full song. There are some lines I think could be reworked (Wouldn’t you listen to a love song, not read one?) and I didn’t like the dish/recipe lyric, but the good moments definitely outweigh the bad here. Nice work.
12. Empire (Intro)
It was a simple and straightforward entry. I think I would have liked to have seen a few more creative lyrics, but you did have a couple of good ones, particularly the waving flags imagery and the call of a thousand gongs. The phoenix to the sun was nice too. The rest was all just there for me. It wasn’t bad but it didn’t excite me either, and I think the title ‘Empire’ promises epic and grand, which I didn’t entirely get.
13. Kingdom Bells (Interlude)
I like this entry. It’s short, yet it’s just not too short. When you have so little lyrics, all of them have to punch. Thankfully, most of them do. I really loved the “poorly paved streets” line and the three that follow it, as well as the “empty drums” lyric and the three that follow that. I like the rest too, just not as much as those sections I mentioned. I think you could have done a little more, but what you did was good.
14. The Real Thing (Intro)
There’s something really great about this entry. You didn’t even have to include a Soundcloud link to get your melody across, and it comes across very strongly. I like that a lot. The melody is perfect, the structure is good, I like the concept and I like how you’ve executed it. If I’m honest I think the main chorus-like section could be better, but it’s still a solid entry and your melody is definitely going to boost your score for me.
15. Regret (Interlude)
When my comment about your song is longer than your actual song, we have a problem. The challenge was to submit a short complete song, and what you’ve submitted is more like a verse, or half of a verse. Read aloud it’s no more than 10-20 seconds, and the challenge was more 1-2 minutes. That aside, what you did provide showed strong potential of greatness. I just wish you didn’t sabotage yourself by submitting something so short; even just another six lines would have made this entry so much better. I hope you don’t regret that.
16. Salaam (Intro)
I found this entry endearing. It was nice, even with some grammar mistakes along the way, I was able to fill it in and you still got the message across. I like the “knock, knock” motif. The rhymes were nice, flow was good for the most part and the concept was nice too. All around it was just a nice entry. Didn’t blow me away, but I definitely enjoyed it.
17. Origin (Intro)
This was a great entry, Gaga. It did remind me a bit of Jessie J’s Price Tag (in a good way) and I like your take on the song, challenging the current music industry. I read it as a rap, and it works as one. I wish the final stanza wasn’t in all caps though. But I love the concept, it was definitely a unique take on the challenge and I think it paid off. Great work.
18. The Last Days (Intro)
This is a beautiful entry, which it shouldn’t be, because it’s technically about death and lost lovers.  But it’s really good. You’ve executed it quite well… really well, actually. It makes me want to hear the rest of the album (ideally full of post-breakup love songs), which was what the challenge was all about. Lovely work.
19. Memory Attack (Intro)
The spoken part.  I honestly loved it. Couldn’t fault it. I really liked the sung part too. One minor criticism, I think I would have preferred less of the repeated “my memory is my damn worst enemy” and more new lyrics, but that’s just me. It’s an extremely well put together entry, you’ve got a clear concept in mind and you’ve executed it well. Very enjoyable read. Interesting concept, too!
20. Neptune Blue (Interlude)
There are definitely moments with this entry. There are some really great lyrics here. I do wish there was perhaps a bit more structure… there’s still some, but it’s very loose. I feel like some metaphorical language is what this entry needed perhaps? Some planet-related imagery added too. It was a good entry but I think it could have been better. I’m not sure why the person you’re referring to is ‘Neptune blue’ either.
21. Infinity (Intro)
It got better as I read on, I found. Others had similar concepts and I think they might have executed it better, but in saying that this isn’t a bad entry. “It’s not important to impress the others more than yourself” is a standout lyric. I like the entire “Even if you lose” section that follows it. You had some good rhymes and a unique structure, and it was an enjoyable read.
|
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 37,384
|
Everyone understands Sam, life happens and this site should always come second to real life 
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 10/18/2010
Posts: 29,224
|
I skirted by with Huga... Which I'm cool with.
Oh, Sam, thank you so much!! 
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/2/2012
Posts: 17,518
|
Oop perched for another dragging for me
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 1/13/2012
Posts: 13,577
|
 thanks so much for the feedback.
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
|
Sam's Comments
Batch 2
Quote:
22. Doubt (Intro)
I like the structure you’ve used. This is another good example of how you don’t need the standard verse, chorus, bridge etc. for a song, there’s similarities between the rhyme scheme of the first and third stanza, and the second, fourth and fifth are progressions of one another. The more I read it, the more I found things to like about it; interesting structure, a good flow, some nice lyrics… it was short yet complete and left me wanting to know the next part of the story. Solid work.
23. Devil, Come With Me (Intro)
I’m a little conflicted with this entry. There are definitely moments of greatness; I really like the third stanza (birds/bells) and I like how you’ve repeated those two lines (angels/place). The first three lines confuse me, because the piece comes across as quite dark, yet the beginning shows that there are no wolves crying or souls dying… the absence of crying wolves and dying souls infers happiness to me. Whereas when used with the absence of angels, birds and bells, it’s clear it’s quite ominous. You had a good rhythm, tight rhyming and it felt like a complete intro so ignoring the first three lines, it was still quite a good entry.
24. I Can Be Good (Interlude)
This screamed Revival-era Selena Gomez to me for some reason, like a mixture of Good For You and Me & The Rhythm. Maybe I’ve just been listening to those songs too much lately. But I was actually impressed with most of it; it wasn’t too graphic for a sexy song and left enough up to the imagination. “Load me into your gun” is one of my favourite lyrics this round. My main criticism is that I think it reads a bit too much like an incomplete song rather than an interlude and that did affect your score. But if this were a complete song, with a second verse and bridge, I’d really love it.
25. Wonderful (Intro)
This is another one of those hauntingly beautiful entries. It was short but in a good way, you didn’t need any more than this. It screamed intro. When you have so little lines you really do need to make them all stand out, and I feel you did exactly that. There’s no filler here. Everything I wanted from this challenge. Well done.
26. I Only Come Out At Night (Intro)
This is so good. Everything is on point. Structure, meter, rhyming, progression and length are all just right. It has a relatable concept yet it still feels authentic. It reads like an intro and feels complete as one. There are so many interesting moments with the way you’ve set up lyrics to rhyme or contradict the previous line (in a good way), and nothing feels forced. I’m looking for a negative and all I can say is that some individual lines could maybe have some tweaks. Just minor things; a word added here, a word removed or replaced there, etc. But I’m nitpicking. It was near perfect for me. Excellent stuff.
27. Oasis (Interlude)
I like this entry. The concept is nice and I like the title. The use of “chest” in the second stanza is a sore thumb in a sea of good rhymes. It had a good flow in parts, but some of the lines felt too long to properly flow onto the next. Otherwise you actually had some nicely worded lines, with a little more work this could have been at the top end for me.
28. Wishing Away (Interlude)
There’s a lot to like about this entry. The wishing away motif is great and the structure is creative and consistent. A few lines could have been shorter to help with the flow but the majority of lines were a good length and it was easy to read. You had some nice rhymes here too; some of them were a bit simple and slightly forced, but there were enough interesting slant rhymes to balance that out.
29. Intro
I’ll start by saying I’m not a fan of the Oooh’s. It’s only the first round so I won’t be too critical on that, but this is predominately a lyric writing competition, and they add nothing lyrically. That aside, the rest of the song shows some promise, but it’s not entirely there for me. Everything just needs a bit more finesse. You have the bones of a good interlude, you just need to take it that step further and perhaps find more interesting ways to convey your message. Try to use some comparisons or some metaphorical language, even an inside rhyme or two could have elevated this entry.
30. Poison (Interlude)
You’ve done a good job with making your words count. This entry is on the shorter side, but it doesn’t feel like it; it feels complete. I made a similar comment about another entry, but when you have an entry this short, every line needs to be important, and your entry is a good example of that. “I pretend to struggle but I don’t fight it” is a great lyric. Minor criticism, I would have preferred if “poison” was only used in the first and third lines in the final stanza. Using something else like “venom” just to change it up would have made it better for me. But it was a good entry.
31. Uptown Haze (Intro)
First of all, thank you for not rhyming “haze” with “daze” or some other drearily predictable forced rhyme. Like some other entries, this leaves me wanting more, but I want more from the intro itself rather than being ready for the following song. This is dancing on the edge of being too short for me, even with the repeat of the second stanza (which you could have written once and said x4). If it were exactly twice the length, it’d be a really strong entry. As is, it’s just a decent one. The first stanza is solid. I wanted another one of those.
32. Drink Me (Intro)
I hoped it would be Alice themed from the title, so thank you for not disappointing me. I find myself judging this from a different angle, because it’s so unlike any other approach, but that’s what I love about it. For what it is, it’s really excellent. It sets the tone for what I’d imagine would be a fantastical journey of an album and that excites me. You’ve taken the story of Alice and highlighted some of the noteworthy moments but you haven’t just crammed in random scenes from the story to bulk out your song. It reads like a proper intro and I want to go to Wonderland now. Thank you for this. I loved it.
33. Astral Lullaby (Intro)
A part of me thinks this entry is really special. It’s another really unique approach in which you’ve crafted your own legend, which I think is great, but a part of me isn’t sure how well it works as an intro for an album rather than just a standalone piece. But if this is the theme of the album, well, who am I to say it doesn’t fit as an album intro? You did have some really brilliant moments though, like constellations becoming supernovas, “galaxies dividing” (stunning imagery) but there were also some phrasings I didn’t like “flew open”, “frozen solid”. Overall it was an impressive entry.
34. Intro
I really enjoy how everything is phrased, which strangely isn’t a common thing for me. Usually there are at least one or two lines where I think a word could be changed or something swapped around, but everything is so good with this entry. The looking back/forward in each stanza is great. I love “We have been in debt to ourselves, and now it’s time to pay it”, one of my favourite lyrics of the round. This is a perfect example of making every word matter. Two small comments, perhaps a fourth stanza of equal quality would have made the entry even better, and a title (perhaps “A Better World”?) would have been nice. But it was a very solid entry.
35. Addicted to the Future (Interlude)
Not going to lie, you kind of took me by surprise when I got to the song title. Those four lines (future, past, present, last) are so so so so good. Easily the highlight of the song for me. But that’s not to say the rest of the song wasn’t good, there were plenty of nice lyrics in this song, “Love is more fun when it’s a mystery” was another high point. The second and third stanzas mirroring each other was clever. It’s a solid entry that kept getting better as it went on.
36. Little Girl (Interlude)
Little Birds, its impact.  This was a cute entry. I think you could have done more with it, added more pretty imagery, especially considering it has such a cutesy title. I know the song isn’t cutesy and happy, but I think you could have used the contrast between cute or beautiful imagery and the sadness of the girl and done something more with that. It’s a light and delicate entry and you’ve executed that well. The question lyrics remind me of a young girl trying to figure out the world, not sure if you intended that but I liked it. It was a good entry, but I think could have been a bit more special.
37. Aphasia (Interlude)
This was special... moving. The first two sections were the ones I found the most creative in the way they were worded. It would be so hard to have all of these thoughts and not be able to convey them. Writing from someone else’s point of view about an illness they have is such a unique approach and I do think it has paid off for you in some ways. I’m not 100% sure that this is a perfect album intro rather than a great standalone piece, but the main focus is the quality of what you’ve submitted and what you have submitted is very good.
38. Love Wounds (Intro)
This is an interesting entry for me to judge because I personally don’t like the concept of a person being with an abusive man and enjoying that relationship. But, that aside, you have done well for what it is. It did feel complete and it was a good length. I would have liked to see some more imagery and some rhyming but it had an interesting structure and you had a clear concept and executed it well.
39. The Desperate Housewife (Interlude)
The font. No. The end. Yes. Shock me. When I think of desperate housewives I think of secrets and mystery and you really nailed it, honestly. It leaves me wanting to know what did happen to her. I need to know! It’s a creative entry and one of the better examples of an interlude. Perfect length, too. Really great work.
|
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
|
Mess @ Gaga  thanks sam!
I knew I shouldn't have put it in Caps.  I imagined it very orchestral though so I felt it fit. Maybe it's one of those things you have to hear the melody for 
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/2/2012
Posts: 17,518
|
Oop not a dragging. Thank you Sam!
So two decent reviews and one dragging
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
Quote:
33. Astral Lullaby (Intro)
A part of me thinks this entry is really special. It’s another really unique approach in which you’ve crafted your own legend, which I think is great, but a part of me isn’t sure how well it works as an intro for an album rather than just a standalone piece. But if this is the theme of the album, well, who am I to say it doesn’t fit as an album intro? You did have some really brilliant moments though, like constellations becoming supernovas, “galaxies dividing” (stunning imagery) but there were also some phrasings I didn’t like “flew open”, “frozen solid”. Overall it was an impressive entry.
|
 Thank you Samantha 
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
Two praises and one decent review. Lovesong and Fefe better pull through for me! 
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
|
Sam's Comments
Batch 3
Quote:
40. The Unknown (Interlude)
I liked the different rhyme patterns you used throughout, especially rhyming the second and third lines in the first two stanzas. The slant rhyme of mind/dying was good. I think the fourth stanza isn’t as strong as the first three but overall it’s a solid entry and I enjoyed it.
41. Play Ball (Intro)
You do realise that the term “wildest dreams” is now sole property of TAS Management, yes? Jokes aside, this had a lot of Lana influence in the lyric choices but it didn’t feel like a Lana song, which I think is a good thing. Probably a few too many “handsomes”… actually, that’s my main critique. You reuse a lot of specific language (shooting stars/shoot for the stars/shooting for the stars) and I think it would be better if you came up with new ways to describe different things. That said, I liked the entry, and “Third base first date we’re doing great” put a smile on my face.
42. Sleep (Interlude)
Yes. Yes yes yes. I loved everything about it. It had a really great yet distinct flow that was still easy to follow, and I think you’re right, it had that slight disjointed feeling like dreams where you end up somewhere and you don’t know how it happened, but it was done in a way that still made the interlude work as a whole. Creative, relatable, strong prolonged rhyming, nothing is forced… you took me on a journey and I want to know what’s next. Amazing job.
43. Visionary (Intro)
There were some really great parts about this entry. I loved the “I can’t see the future, if the past has left me blind” lyric. Every part had at least one lyric that I really liked, which was great, but there were also parts I think could have been worked a little further. The first stanza is solid, I’d have liked to see a rhyme where the grasp/mind lyrics were, “spirit past their live” could have been phrased better I think and “lost the track of time” the same. But I like the entry overall and I’m nitpicking little things that I think would have made it better overall.
44. The Beginning (Intro)
The last two lines were my favourite part of the whole entry. It was a reasonably solid entry overall, the flow is a little bit inconsistent in parts but it’s good for the most part. I think another stanza could have gone a long way but the three you have do show some progression. It was a good entry.
45. Blue Eyes (Intro)
I think if you removed the section headers it’d have been a better intro but that’s such a minor thing that I’m going to ignore it. The bridge could be reworked a little I think but I love the pre-chorus and chorus sections and I thought it was a very good entry and with a bit of finessing it could have been a top entry. Nice work.
46. Nomads (Intro)
I like the meaning of the song. I liked the third stanza a lot, probably my favourite part of the entry. There were some errors (Men needs) and I’m not a huge fan of “gibberish” being used, but I like the meaning behind the lyrics. It’s a good concept but I think the execution needs some work. That’s my main critique for this entry, the ideas are there but I’d like to see some more creative expressions. Overall I still liked the entry.
47. So Stay (Interlude)
This was great. The “so stay” motif was perfectly used, “The words speak like an instrument” was one of my favourite lyrics of the round and even though it was short I think you made every line count. Some more progression would have been nice, perhaps another stanza to convey that. But you have submitted is really good.
48. One Day (Intro)
The self-questioning lyrics are a good approach to this challenge. You should have used “things” instead of “thing” but that’s a minor comment. Honestly I think that a lot of this entry was good. There wasn’t a lot of creative lyrics or imagery but it was all put together well and I feel like that would have just made a good entry great. So it’s still a good entry.
49. December (Interlude)
Aside from the fact that December is always hot for me, I enjoyed this entry. It was very short but it read nicely, had a good comparison between the cold weather and the feeling of coldness inside, and the inclusion of snowflakes was good imagery. You had all of the right points and I just feel like you could have brought more to the table, used this as a start for an amazing final product. But it was still a pretty great entry.
50. Masquerade (Intro)
This was one of the more creative entries. I liked the language you used throughout, it definitely elevated the entry a few levels for me. I really like the first three stanzas and the final line but I’m not completely sold on the rest. The first two lines of the fourth stanzas are nice; I’m just not sure what they’re conveying. But it was a great entry, felt complete and was just the right length.
51. Haunting (Intro)
I’ll start with the negative, the way you wrote the middle section was a bit distracting, with the extra letters. I know what you’re trying to convey but it doesn’t work so well for me, simply writing the words would have been better. That aside, the entry is really great. I don’t have any criticisms about the rest of the entry because I really liked it all besides how you wrote that one section. Nice work!
52. Twilight (Interlude)
I actually think this would have been a better entry without the spoken part. The rhyming was great and followed an interesting pattern, but I wish the third stanza followed that pattern that the first two had. It was a great entry, stunning imagery and word choices, interesting structure and rhyming, good length and showed good progression. Solid work.
53. Fool's Luck (Intro?)
The first verse is a strong start. I’m not sure about the last two lines of the first stanza in the chorus (and the third since they’re the same) but I like the first two lines each time, and I like the two lines (fool/dice, cards/drain). I don’t think the ending was necessary, but it tied in with the rest of the gambling metaphors and it wasn’t exactly a bad addition either.
|
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
Twilight continuing to tug at our weaves 
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
|
Going to add the mystery judge's scores to the averages table, then will post lovesong's comments.
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 58,053
|
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Sam
Going to add the mystery judge's scores to the averages table, then will post lovesong's comments.
|
|
|
|
|
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
|
Quote:
Originally posted by Sam
Going to add the mystery judge's scores to the averages table, then will post lovesong's comments.
|
Where's the average table?
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 58,053
|
I cant wait to see who this mystery judge is
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 7,105
|
Quote:
40. The Unknown (Interlude)
I liked the different rhyme patterns you used throughout, especially rhyming the second and third lines in the first two stanzas. The slant rhyme of mind/dying was good. I think the fourth stanza isn’t as strong as the first three but overall it’s a solid entry and I enjoyed it.
|
Yas! 2 positive reviews and one negative.
I also agree with what you said about the fourth stanza being weak compared to the rest.
I wrote it in last minute because I felt like the song was too short lol
|
|
|
|
Member Since: 2/7/2014
Posts: 3,371
|
I'm pretty much in love with this game already
Glad my reviews are good so far but I hope in the future I can get to be like the ones that are really blowing the judges away 
|
|
|
|
|
|
