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Tournament: PLATINUM HIT 8
ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 4/3/2014
Posts: 18,319
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Quote:
Originally posted by HausofNiko
i only changed the ferrari line to starry
BTW RIP to my favorite line ive ever written, which i took out because everyone on ATRL + in real life said it had to go
How many times do I have to say that I'm sorry
I'm begging on my knees in front of your Ferrari
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I like it 
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Member Since: 10/18/2010
Posts: 29,224
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Aw, GotSkill, you doll. 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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GotSkill's Comments
Batch 3
Quote:
40. The Unknown (Interlude)
This was a very strong concept. I wish you had done a bit more with it. The lines were too short for you to really do anything with them, but the shortness conveyed a sense of desperation that, while it may have been unintentional, elevated the song to a level the language itself didn’t
41. Play Ball (Intro)
This was such a Lana wannabe song. In some ways you pulled it off. The language was interesting and the metaphor of playing ball made me content. As an intro, however, I don’t think it really works. Had this been labeled as an interlude it probably would have gotten a better score from me. An intro sets up an album. This was much too lengthy and I can’t see the themes of this song encompassing any good album.
42. Sleep (Interlude)
This is so fascinating  . It was by no means perfect but it instantly makes you one to watch in this competition. You weren’t afraid to play with the structure and with the rhyme scheme, but online other competitors you pulled it off and kept it feeling like a song as opposed to a poem. The various styles of writing confused me a bit (such as the one line of slang and the one random allusion to Snow White) but those complaints are only minor. Great job overall.
43. Visionary (Intro)
I’m not quite sure what you’re trying to say with this intro. Your language muddled the meaning far too much. I appreciate a good metaphor but you overdid it here. Still, I didn’t find it quite poetic enough to be pulled off. I would also like you to pay more attention to flow next week.
44. The Beginning (Intro)
Really the only thing here that strikes me is the concept of the first verse. I love how you related the shards of glass and a bloody past. Past that I wasn’t as amused. Your meter was off on every verse and certain lines (“Desert that, that keeps me free”) didn’t really make any sense to me.
45. Blue Eyes (Intro)
This works well as an intro. Although I don’t usually like love or hate themed intros, I can see this easily setting up a P!nk or Kelly like breakup album. Nothing here blew my mind but the entry was solid overall. I would, however, work on your meter a bit.
46. Nomads (Intro)
I feel like there’s a good song behind the glaring errors here. Your song starts out on a typo which you should have read over before sending to us. Instantly it makes your song appear more awkward. It took me a while before I could gain my footing here. You do seem like you have some potential in this competition, however. Next week try spicing up your language and proofreading your song 
47. So Stay (Interlude)
Your language is captivating. I love the meaning here and the words you used in the song are perfect. Your flow could use a bit of work but it wasn’t anything atrocious. I’m looking forward to what you have to bring to the table in this competition. Hope the anxiety attack wasn’t about the song because it was actually very good.
48. One Day (Intro)
Oh a spoken intro my favorite
There’s a typo in the 3rd line and there’s really no structure here. It’s also too short and I don’t really know what you’re trying to get at with this song.
49. December (Interlude)
This was one of the shortest entries we received this week, but I actually love it  . It’s a perfect example of how a short song can be complete. The sentiment is short but clear and interesting. I can’t wait to read a full song from you.
50. Masquerade (Intro)
“a dancer in brown, taken by black” the racism   You had great imagery. I think this works better as an interlude, unless you planned to make the dancers a central theme to the album in which case that would be awesome . I love the various references to pop culture even if they were unintentional. Anyways, this was a good, solid entry. Not much to complain about but nothing to write home about.
51. Haunting (Intro)
Way too many people mentioned silver and gold this week. Aaaalll the eeexxxtra leeettteeeeeeeeeeerrss were unnecessary and hindered my ability to comprehend your writing. I think this works better as an interlude. I don’t like the “they crossed” line. The entry wasn’t terrible but I wasn’t a huge fan of it 
52. Twilight (Interlude)
What does liminal mean?  I love that word lemme steal it. Anyways, this was basically flawless and I love it. I almost wish it ended with “hold my…” instead of the spoken part though. It holds the tension much better.
53. Fool's Luck (Intro?)
The writing itself is fairly average. Your structure, flow, and rhyme choices could all use a bit of work but nothing major. I did love your theme, however, and could see it carrying fluidly throughout an album.
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Member Since: 4/4/2014
Posts: 10,514
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Quote:
Originally posted by ClarksonSlays
Cosigned
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Thirded.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 22,001
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jaxswim
Oh in that case I actually really liked yours lmao, I'm surprised you're not getting more praise tbh  |
maybe gotskill read the wrong entry?  jk
hopefully the rest of judges like it
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by HausofNiko
Thank you so much <3
I thought yours was fantastic, the meter was a bit messy but it kind of went with the song and in my opinion made it better (For it being an interlude / intro)
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Bitch you should've mentioned the meter wtf  IMO it was only really "messy" in the second verse, and even then it was failry straightforward (11/7/10/7) with isn't crazy at all, but maybe compared to the other verses which were fairly even sylabically it was messy
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 7,105
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Quote:
40. The Unknown (Interlude)
This was a very strong concept. I wish you had done a bit more with it. The lines were too short for you to really do anything with them, but the shortness conveyed a sense of desperation that, while it may have been unintentional, elevated the song to a level the language itself didn’t
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I'M CONFUSED IS IT GOOD OR BAD?
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Member Since: 7/15/2012
Posts: 30,915
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Ok dear Sam please keep the op or second post updated with everything please because I can tell there will be many more pages when I wake up and I cannot go through them all
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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Quote:
Originally posted by ClarksonSlays
Cosigned
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Cosign it fat
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Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 13,381
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This photoshoot is everything
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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WAIT, the Ferrari lyric. 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by MattyTacos
This photoshoot is everything
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I want to lick his jawline so bad omfg
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 22,001
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Quote:
Originally posted by ClarksonSlays
Bitch you should've mentioned the meter wtf IMO it was only really "messy" in the second verse, and even then it was failry straightforward (11/7/10/7) with isn't crazy at all, but maybe compared to the other verses which were fairly even sylabically it was messy |
the line that was messy i told you about
besides that i thought it was great
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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Quote:
Originally posted by keshaspearsxo
Ok dear Sam please keep the op or second post updated with everything please because I can tell there will be many more pages when I wake up and I cannot go through them all |
Yes, I'm going to add links to the comments in the second post!
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 43,104
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Quote:
Originally posted by HausofNiko
the line that was messy i told you about
besides that i thought it was great
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I ended up changing it tho
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Member Since: 2/7/2014
Posts: 3,371
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Are we getting comments from the secret judge too?
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 14,512
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Well at least it wasn't a terrible review
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Member Since: 8/7/2015
Posts: 7,105
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Yas! Praise my avi (and my fav) 
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 22,001
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Which is better
How many times do I have to say that i'm sorry
I'm begging on my knees in front of your Ferrari
How many times do I have to say that i'm sorry
There's a tingle in my heart, and my eyes are starry
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Member Since: 4/4/2014
Posts: 10,514
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Quote:
50. Masquerade (Intro)
“a dancer in brown, taken by black” the racism You had great imagery. I think this works better as an interlude, unless you planned to make the dancers a central theme to the album in which case that would be awesome . I love the various references to pop culture even if they were unintentional. Anyways, this was a good, solid entry. Not much to complain about but nothing to write home about.
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Oh. I hope I give you more to write home about in future rounds.
But yeah, the pop cultural references were intentional, particularly with the Rocky Horror Picture Show and Requiem for a Dream.
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