ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 8/19/2013
Posts: 56,234
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GotSkill's Comments
Batch 2
Quote:
22. Doubt (Intro)
The line about “talking to a stone” doesn’t really make any sense and shouldn’t be here at all. Other than that it’s a good entry and a good intro. It isn’t particularly attention grabbing but I think you’ll stick around long enough to give us those entries as well.
23. Devil, Come With Me (Intro)
This is my favorite entry yet and I’ve already read 39. It’s so beautifully hauntingly dark and poetic. It almost reads like a somber southern hymn. It was just a hair away from getting a 10 from me, but if you keep delivering like this you’ll get there. There’s really nothing I can criticize.
24. I Can Be Good (Interlude)
This is kind of a run of the mill sex song. It isn’t bad, but it isn’t that great or even sensual. The rhyme scheme bugs me a bit the way it seems like random lines rhyme at times. I do see some room for growth here, however, so I’m not giving up on you quite yet.
25. Wonderful (Intro)
How did you manage to make basically every line here have a forced rhyme in it? It seems like you let the rhyme scheme take full control of the song, just writing the first thing that came into your head that rhymed. The flow is also completely off here. There’s no sense of rhythm whatsoever. The concept is good and I like the last two lines but I’m very let down by the rest of it.
26. I Only Come Out At Night (Intro)
This song is so beautifully emo. I love the concept and it’s very relatable, especially for the angsty teenager crowd. If I could point out one thing I’d change, it would be changing the line “only I am real” to “only then I am real” because it fixes the flow of that verse and makes more sense to me. Your language is stunning; poetic without being overly poetic and dark without being too gruesome. As one that loves to write dark songs, I’d recommend stepping out of your comfort zone while the competition is still early and you have some room to innovate, so be mindful of that next week.
27. Oasis (Interlude)
Might I just start by saying your flow is absolutely flaw free. This should be the standard to the other contestants. You could experiment with it a little, but I can’t really complain there. Your language is pretty but I did find the meaning of the song to be a bit muddled by the poeticism of the lyrics. Remember to keep the balance between sounding pretty and having emotional impact.
28. Wishing Away (Interlude)
This was another song I kind of had mixed feelings about. Some of your rhymes, such as “longer” and “squander” read as forced and lazy. While using slant rhymes is a good thing, you have to make sure they fit just as well as a traditional rhyme. Still, I found other rhymes to be quite clever and added well to the setting, such as “violence” and “silence”. The song was nothing revolutionary but I did like your structure.
29. Intro
This was cliché and boring from the beginning to the end. It was too short to really go anywhere as well. I hope you spend a little more time on your next entry’s lyrics before playing around on vocaroo.
30. Poison (Interlude)
While the language and themes were quite familiar, you made it work well as an interlude. It was the perfect length to convey what you wanted, even if I did want a bit more. I love the phrase “poison works in mysterious ways”.
31. Uptown Haze (Intro)
This is too short to give me any idea of who you are as a writer. If you submit something this short it should be nothing short of brilliant, while this was nothing more than mediocre.
32. Drink Me (Intro)
Your writing style is so unique. I’m intrigued as to what you’ll submit in the future. I love the themes and concepts here, and even though the whole Alice in Wonderland thing is beginning to be overdone in music you brought a new, unique edge to it. I did find a few lines to be awkward or out of place, especially in the “could taste like green tea” verse.
33. Astral Lullaby (Intro)
Your material is really great. The lyrics are beautiful and poetic. Still, your meter and flow are both completely out of whack so that lost a few points for me. Try sending your entry to someone that got good marks on their flow this week and have them help you out. If you fixed that this entry would have been near flawless.
34. Intro
I’m not really a fan of the 100% spoken word thing and I wish this particular entry was a bit longer. Other contestants pulled the extremely short thing off well, but nothing that interesting happened here that made the length worth it. The second stanza is my least favorite of the three, especially the last line where the rhyme is both forced and cliché.
35. Addicted to the Future (Interlude)
Structurally this was a bit of a mess. The eyes are starry line was a mess. The theme was a mess until the end when it started getting better. I like the theme and the mentions of past, present and future. Next week try to develop your poeticism and structure more and you could improve greatly.
36. Little Girl (Interlude)
If this was a full song it possibly could have been a ten. I almost wish the last verse didn’t resolve the conflicts in the middle of the song because they were enthralling and devastatingly fantastic. Poetically this was spot on and tugged at my emotions appropriately.
37. Aphasia (Interlude)
I would have no idea what any of this meant had I not read the description. After reading it I liked it a bit more, but remember who your audience is and that you’re not writing for doctors or Harvard graduates. You could have written a much more powerful song about the same thing with different language. Your structure was interesting, but I liked it.
38. Love Wounds (Intro)
You took creative freedom with the structure much too far. It was a bit of a mess. There was no visible rhyme scheme, which would have been OK if there had been any sort of structure. This is the right part of the competition to experiment, but make sure you’re submitting songs and not free verse poems. Still, as a poem it was good but nothing extraordinary.
39. The Desperate Housewife (Interlude)
Your flow was on POINT! I love your title and the whole concept of this song. You paint the women’s emotions well. If you had elevated the plot and feelings in the song a bit more it could have been my favorite from this round.
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